Experience;

Today is the first day I drive on the road without adult one. 

I go to the town. Bought things. 

Thanks to ayah and mama because finally they give their trust in me. 

Ia tidaklah segila yang saya bayangkan sebelum saya melakukannya

a little words...

Appreciation

'Enjoy this present as you might not able to have it in future'

Kadangkala I failed to give appreciation to the most
important person in my life and out of my acknowledgement
the person I love get hurt because of me.
From the earnest side of me, I am truly sorry =_='

mereng; meet

Even this once meet does mean nothing to you.

I never blame you.

People ever said that Allah will never meetkan you with

someone Which will do nothing with your life.

l believe, you have your own part in my life.

This journey is still long long enough.

we will meet again.

1 sure it will be so soon.

Haha!!

sometimes l found it funny.

To you; till meet again.

xoxo.a little words...

The way l Salah Tafsir

Nowhere. I am thinking.

 About something that does not last forever.

For this 13 years, I have ask them to respect my choice 

and understand the way I live my life.

Now l completely understand why they Always act

like they know better then I do,

but actually they are not talking lies.

It was me who never have trust!

Now I have shown them that my stand is not available,

soc I made a decision that l want

to live my life as they want me to.

let me learn and start a new chapter that I may not

get or that I will regreat Once more time.

I accept everything and l hoping for HIS bless.

a little words.. ...

BlurbbIuvpaa

Assalammualaikum,

Things happen and, hey I am here!!!

Look at the mirror Where there is someone who exactly look like me.

l wonder, how she live and how her life was going.

I always hope she will say that she's doing fine.

She smile almost  to everyone and people wonder what make

her feel so happy like flying.

She doesn't answer

But the truth that she hide deep inside is so very much painful

 that no one have willingness to enter even for sharing.

She talk to much, but I wonder what make

she cries so very much at the night, when else immersed

in their own fantastic dreamland.

Actually she is a sinner.

She realise the biggest mistake she ever done.

But the most painful part is when she know that the

mistake she have done is actually under her control.

and because of her mistake

today she is doing the punishment.

l give them afake until they reveal the tRuth.

Daddy Bidi;

Steve said, to overcome you fear you must come nearer to the fear. 

Do it

Like when you want to kill your enemy, 

you must know his weakness. 

Daddy Bidi is someone who high in spirit.

But it is so hard to get know him more than what my classmate and I

met in the class. 

And he hard to smile too. 

He is not someone who will talk nonsense. 

His speech always have value to hear but he ask no cent.

His mind content with such a brilliant idea. Economic!

For me, I love to have a conversation with person like him,

who can give us different ideas which open 

my eyes wider. ( I kan sepet )

But, its hard to be close to him. 

He is different

Everyone have no much courage to talk to him or denying what 

he is saying but when it is about Chemistry

my classmate never compromise. They will make it right!

Last year. 50 days before SPM

I remember how the situation was when I met him. 

I never thought that I would talk to him that way.

It such a pathetic but gorgeous with full of dignity. Haha!

"sir, I know 50 days left and I might be too late. But late is better than never right?
I want to make it. Its okay not to get A, but at least I want to change the 

grade I stay right now. At least there is some changes. At least I can grab a little more compare to get no any. At least I want to test this potential. At least I want to give it a try. At least, something will change. At least I don't want to wasting the times left. I want to use it. Please help me sir.."

As a teacher. I don't know either he believe in me or not,

but I can feel that he is more concern about me. 

Give me the extra exercise.

and I will give him the exercise I have done to be mark but until now

he never return even one!

Sir nak buat kenangan kot. Kenangan sangat!

So yesterday when I got the result, 

My Chemistry not Mr.A but she close to. 

For some, it may look so pathetic as you guys maybe got higher,

but its okay with me here. 

I look it as my personal achievement. 

I met Sir Zabidi in his room with Ili and Ekin. 

Saying thank you and all. 

Then, he smile at me.
 "Good la. I thought you get D. Tak sangka eh, you can grab at last minute. You don't give up at the last minute as some did. Ada orang, rasa tak boleh buat terus give up. At the middle, dah give up"

Finally, the word I waiting for so long, 

I don't give up

I hope, just if I can not to give up at all the subject,

 my result gonna be better than this. I guess

but nothing is matter. I am done with it.

At the end. I want to say very much sorry to Sir because have not 

use the times I have as I should. 

Thank you sir, budi baik mu akan ku kenang hingga ke hujung nyawa. 

You teach me something that I couldn't get at anywhere else. 

Ya Allah, please bless him. Give him strength so he can stand toughly with his principle 

and teach much more student and make them better than me and also better than my batch. 

I hope I can see him after this. Again. As a student of Law and I promise

if I success to be a lawyer I will give him free service. If Allah will. Amin...

I got what I deserve. Chill dude;

Selamat malam, tidurlah sayangku, siang kan tiba bercahaya, 

bermula baru, semua untukmu. 

I got this message last night at 00.09 from Afiqah Lias. 

So,  I know I must stop worrying and let face any possibility.

Redha 

This morning, I do nothing. I don't know what should I do. I recite Quran and 

praying until I feel like I am bold enough.
I told myself so very much times that I will be bold and its okay.

Whatever happen, I will never regret and will accept. 

After telling Allah about this worryness and fear, I falling asleep.

Suddenly my phone rang so loudly that I am waking up. 

At 10.30, I change my cloth to kurung and  check all the windows and door.

I ride my LC to Ekin's palace. 

I go to the grave, I ask her to bring me along as I want 

to feel the environment and the feeling we are there. 

Don't be so weird. 

The only time I go to the grave is when my late uncle died. 

itupun just once, with many people 

Then after fetching up Ili, we go straight to smkda.

I park my LC at the canteen's back.

I don't know that I am so very late, because pengetua already announce 

the straight A's archiver. 

I know one of them is not me, so I smile. 

Then, my friends and I are queuing up making a line to take the slip. 

When it is my turn, my nerve doesn't wrecking. 

All the fear have gone. 

I don't know where they are going. 

  I look at the slip and then I look at Cikgu Roslan's face.

I think, he didn't expect that I get that bad.

Me myself, expect that at least I can get 6.

but, you know the truth really hurt and it it bites. 

but I get what I deserve

But still I do not cry. Not even a drop. I feel like I can bear

or maybe, I don't feel anything. 

Seriously. Maybe because I already know that I have no hope? 

or maybe because I know my potential

or maybe because I know that I am not work hard enough
or maybe because that was what I deserve.

But, but I redha. Sincerely I accept it 

Then I tell mama, ayah and kak Farah.

I know they upset but they know banyak mana je I punya effort.

I think they upset more because of my behavior.

Just if I can be a little bit kind, 

but that does not change a thing right now. am I right?

But I am so glad and very much thankful to Allah.

because the strength He give me, 

so I am able to face with them all. 

After that, I meet my teachers, to say thank you for teaching me. 

dengan muka tak malu eh !

Then I go back to my LC to go back home, 

but suddenly mama call. 

She ask me to come back home quickly because she 

will pick me up at 3.00pm to back to our kampung belah mama at Paya Dalam.

Because my pak wek( atok in bahasa jawa) was admitted to hospital

and my anak buah meninggal dalam perut ibunya. 

Things happen simultaneously. I feel the burden. Hard.

I thought it was enough till there but ayah call mama from Sg Rambai

saying that atok belah ayah was admitted to hospital due to the accident that occur 

at pekan. 

Ya Allah, if you want to test me then only test me Ya Allah. I can't give them a good news today. I beg you please give them a big good news to them tomorrow. Please Ya Allah, I beg you please. I have no more wish or there is nothing else that I want. I just want you to at least don't make them worry and please Ya Allah please, bless them and give them a good news. 

The Result

Ya Allah, terima kasih kerana pinjamkan kekuatan ini

. Terima kasih Ya Allah kerana tabahkan hati kecil ini.

 Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku bersyukur dengan apa yang aku miliki. 

Kekecewaan itu pasti terselit disana dan disini,

 tetapi tiada apa yang perlu aku tangiskan  

kerana aku aku sedar dimana silapnya. 

Ya Allah, pinjamkan aku kekuatan agar aku mempu 

untuk berdepan dengan mereka Ya Allah. 

Ya Allah, berikanlah sesuatu yang lebih besar buat mereka 

agar luka mereka tak sedalam sekarang Ya Allah.

Ya Allah tiada lain yang aku mampu katakan selain ucapan syukur 

padaMU Ya Allah. 

Seteruk apa pun keputusan itu, Itu rezeki yang kau berikan untuk ku. 

Aku terima Ya Allah. seadanya.

The Teary Eyes Of Mama

This evening, mama was crying in front of me,

when we talk about the result which come out tomorrow. 

Actually, we didn't have a deep talk, 

mama told me about her yesteryear form 5 student who 

came and pay her a visit. 

Suddenly her eyes got teary. 

I can not even look at her face. 

My face cannot up straight. 

With this kind situation, how should I face her 

if tomorrow I didn't reach the expectation?

Ya Allah, I didn't ask much. I just praying and hope the result I will get tomorrow is good enough to make her relieve and happy. I just..

The time is nearer. I couldn't even count my fingers correctly

even though I know its completely 10. 

Ma, I love you so much. I have ironing all the cloth for tomorrow. 

I have mopped the floor and I have washed all the cloth. 

I already make everything done. 

Tonight, it is not about I want to avoid you.

Tonight I just want to be in my room. 

Tonight I just want to lock my door earlier. 

I cannot help myself feeling guilty when look at your tears. 

Mama, I love you. 

Please give me your bless. 

Allah will not give me His bless if you're not blessing me, ma. 

I know you love me so much and you always

think about your children more than you think about yourself. 

Ma, I cannot even promise you anything. 

but..I hope it will be well. 

Beta'sian.

21 March 2013 

The date I waiting for three month. 

whatever happen tomorrow, I will accept. 

Redha

To all families and friends, I am sorry for all my wrong doing 

towards you, either I mentioned it or not. 

Please forgive me for the wrong doing I have done towards you 

either I notice or not. 

Ya Allah, give me your bless. Give my cousins your bless. Give my friends your bless. 

Pay them the result they worth for. I hope their hardship will worth 9A+

Ya Allah, I am just your little servant who always lose when fight with her lust. 

Ya Allah, give your little servant a strength tomorrow. 

I know I have commit so much mistake, but I do know that you are the one 

who will forgive my mistake. 

Beta'sian, good luck, may Allah with you now and always 

and together we praying for the success tomorrow . Amin Ya Rabb

Spm;

Many things happen to me right now. 

Even the environment is different.

So much thing that make me angry right now 

like doing all those same thing.

But I really don't have any interest to talk about it.

My topic focusing on 'spm' 

Few days ago, I thought I will be okay like feel fine

even though I know the result wouldn't be that 9A+.

But why the reality that happen now,

is so much painful?

Ya Allah. You know what inside me. Ya Allah I need 8A's .. Aminn..

I am waiting for the postmen.

She really pissed me off right now. 

I think this is a reflection from being miserable. 

I don't know SPM result will matter so much like this ='(]

-mix feeling-

Please Listen.

I want to tell that youngster, so they will not repeat my mistake. 

I want to tell them to wake up now and realise

that SPM is everything. It is a start of your life. It was your first step. 

I want to tell them to prepare themselve. Cause the world wouldn't be so

nice. Anything can happen. 

I want them to stay strong and don't collapse like me or don't 

give up like I ever when problems showed up. 

I want to tell them to study hard instead of study smart. 

I want they understand the whole chapter and even 

the single word, hey couldn't miss. 

If they can do that, at least they will not feel what I feel right now.

Regrets always comes late. 

Struggle

struggle? I don't think that I have struggle enough 

when I was a candidate of SPM last year.

I know how I am doing and my family and friends also know

that I never put any much effort

eventhough I know the result which will come out 

tomorrow will change my life. 

My parents and people who concern at me have 

warned me but I didn't listen to them.

So, why should I worry these day. Right?

serve me right. Haha (itching)

I really scared. But the feeling is right here. Killing. 

Even the quotes said that struggle is just a part of our story

but it does not work on me.

If I want something I must struggle to get, 

just then, I get it. If not, I will not get it.

I know the fact but still I ignore. But, things happen now.

I cannot even go back. 

So, serve you right Rhan!! ( please don't laugh at me)

Beta's 

All of us can do it. Amin Ya Allah..

Can I still smile tomorrow? Ya Allah, give me and my friends success. Aminn..

A's

Tomorrow all the questions will be answered.

Whether the answer will make me smile or make me cry-

I will try to accept.

But the things that matter to me right now is

I don't know how to confront with my parents if the result that

come out is not what they hope for?

I am afraid if I cannot even achieve my target.

What if my bad dream really come true?

How do I avoid it? or how do I explain to them.

Explain the reason why I cannot get 9A+

after 13 years working hard? - not hard enough I guess

They invest so much money on me.

I know there is no way to regret it now but

I couldn't stop myself from feeling this way.

Mindy Project

perfect life 

Mindy believe that she can have a perfect life 

just if she follow the line she have drawn.

Its look simple but the matters is things doesn't always work

as we hope it will. 

xoxo

spm;

I have no more words.
Today I don't know what to say.
This mix feeling make me feel bad because I didn't
know what I feel,
either sad or curious or maybe scared.

I don't know.
But situation make me guilty just so suddenly.
I don't want to be like this
I don't want this feeling.
It killing me.

I know everything can happen tomorrow.
and I must be ready for all the possibility that might come.
But..as times pases. Its like torturing me.

You know. I don't know. 

Reasons

Everything happen for a reason. 

If I didn't drink that Nescafe last night,

I might not meet the night which mean so much to me.

Or maybe, I learn something.

Something that will last forever, I hope it will. 

Ya Allah, please help me. I know I always find you when I was in trouble. I always promise that it will be last, but you know it wouldn't. If you have guide me, please don't take it back. Protect me ya Allah. Give me your bless. I am sorry to be such an ungrateful servant and I am sorry to be such a mengada person but I only have YOU to lean on. I only have You. I know I only have You. 

Can't Sleep

This is all because of Nescafe that I drank a couple minute 

before I enter my bedroom and now the 

problems shows up. 

I can't sleep

Because of that I take out this lappy to accompany me, 

I thought it will just take a while, but I was wrong.

I cannot even feel asleep.

Just if I know this is the implication,

I will hold on and wait for next morning to drink nescafe. 

Ahh, but mama drank nescafe too but why she 

can freely sleeping. 

I though caffein wouldn't work because yesteryears

when I was in big exam year. 

I used to drink coffee and nescafe' to avoid from sleepiness,

but it didn't work even I drink almost one jag. 

And it will really really not work when I was revising Sejarah.

The caffein also being choosy. 

peliks

Somehow I tiba-tiba pelik dengan my own habit 

yang suka spent so very much time in front of lappy. 

Layan the social networking but at the same time I hate 

when so much people approaching me. 

When I think about it, I ask myself

'Na, what is the function you  open account facebook or what is the reason you

build up your blog where you update you 

punya entry almost everyday?.'

Okay, sometimes I just don't get myself on the track. 

I love it but hate it at the same time. 

I love involve myself in this social network but I hate 

to follow their update. 

Its not like all of their update. Ada some update yang

impressing me but ada some other update

which I think, kau tak payah update pun tak apa. 

I tak nak tahu.

The fact is I don't even have the right

to like it or not because that was what people think kan,

so lantaklah diorang nak update apa pun. 

Haissh ='(

doesn't feel awesome

License P;

I have get my driving license at late January.

I am so happy as I know I was among my friend who got 

their license earlier than other. 

After all, its not a competition pon. Saja feeling that way.

But I am so upset with myself

because I am not able to drive well till now. 

I keep being scold by my dad. 

I know I must overcome this fear

but eachtime I feel that I can,

the situation will just let me down like that.

Now I realise, after I force myself drove to kampung, 

I have overcome my fear,

but now the problems is when the fear was gone,

I still not able to drive well.

I don't blame the tester cause make me pass. 

I don't blame ayah for scolding me.

I just upset with myself and it become double so to find out

Mirul already brought his friends out to Melacca town.

I am so jealous =(]

Memory

[the picture tak ada kena mengena dengan cerita]

When I was with Nenek, M-j, Pa-a, E-cha, G-ha, T-ka and Syak

I notice that we are not same like a few girls group who

will non stop talking about marriage. 

Yeah, we ever have that kind of conversation but usually

it is more about the characteristic which a man have to required 

to be our husband. kecoh sangat!!

But the most of our conversation is more about friendship. 

I guess so. As I remember. 

And I will tell all my friend those same sad stories I had. 

What a pathetic life I had?

Force them to feel guilty and lure them into my emotion.

Ergh. So very mengada, right?

When I think about all those memories, 

I am the one who feel guilty because troubling them 

with all my past sad stories. 

I know, no one wish that it will come to that far 

and things happen. 

I just need to forget the past and enjoy this present life. 

I just need to learn from my mistake.

Unfollow.

I am done with 'unfollowing blog' that I ever follow. 

It was not because I having mental breakdown or such a 

weird syndrome. 

I do that because the list is long to the down but more 

than half from them didn't update their blog for about more 

than one year. 

so there is nothing that I can do other than unfollow 

their blog, because I want to enjoy the present which I cannot

get it in future. sarcastic sangat!!

Honestly, I just want to post something 

which honestly come from my deepest heart and

not influenced by the writing of others.

Because I notice that there is one blog

which most of what she's saying in her blog is 

what I am thinking. 

It just I have no courage to write it because 

I scared I may hurt people I love. 

I don't know how she able to make it.

Maybe she think people who she talk about

doesn't read her blog.

or maybe all her friends were open minded. 

accept the fault and apply the principle of 

forgive and forget. 

so. I unfollow. so here, the in-est side of me.

Pronunciation

I notice something, that each time I read English medium like magazine, papers or novels. I will read it out loud. Because I love the way my voice pronounce it and I want to get the right pronunciation. I notice when I do it in public, people will look strange at me. 

Maybe they think that I want to show off but the fact is there is nothing to show off. I am not someone who born with mat salleh surrounding. Both of my grandparents are melayu-jawa. Each time I went back to kampung, they will talk in their slang. 

No one want to practice English with me and to enter the higher level in law, I need to full the requirement which is getting at least Band 4 in MUET. ( at least ok )

It seem easy to ones who familiar with english speaking at home but I'm not one. So, I really don't care if you think I want to show off or 'bajet bagus' or 'kerek' or whatever you think. Sometimes I never think about my appearance when its about to do what I like. Erk!

Plkn

plkn

talking about this make me regret some way. I should just do what Mirul did few months ago and maybe I will feel different today. Having such a great experience make me envy them. I'm jealous : (]

Travel.

one day. I will reach there. I will

Not expecting 9A+

I asking myself. Can I do it? 

Nope. I already do it.

I'd answered all the question paper. 

The matter now is how the result?

will it be good?

or 

will it be great? 

or

will it be 'sobbing'? 

Ya Allah, I am nothing without you. Honestly from deepest heart. I beg you please give me some strength, so I can withstand all the possibility that will occur. I know how much my effort and I know I didn't worth 9A+. I didn't expect that high. Not because I am giving up but I know how far my potential and I know what I have done during this time. I know where I wasted my time for and I know it very well. 

I didn't expect that 9A+ nor 9As but I expect it will be good. Maybe just good enough for me to make myself as one of those who qualify to enter UIAM. Please..

Muka Buku;(spm)

Facebook terasa hidup kembali, sekembalinya kawan kawan dari plkn. Mungkin kerana keghairahan mereka melepaskan gian membuatkan facebook saya semakin meriah. Sejujurnya, saya ada dua akaun facebook. Bukan kerana saya ni popular ataupun terlalu banyak fan (tak ada fan pun), tetapi kerana akaun Facebook pertama saya telah dipenuhi oleh orang orang yang saya kira 'musuh dalam selimut'. Bukan saya tak boleh remove 'musuh' itu dari friend list saya tetapi saya masih memerlukan laman sosial facebook sebagai medium untuk saya berurusan dengan dia. Lagipun, saya dah tak larat nak menatap muka dia. Rasa sakit hati tu akan datang sendiri.

Mesti anda semua kata yang saya ni sebenarnya ada penyakit hati. Yelah, orang buat tu sikit saya sakit hati. orang buat ni sikit, saya sakit hati. Tetapi, saya tak akan salahkan anda kerana saya akui perkara itu. Hati saya ni dah kotor dan agak tercemar. Saya sedang merawat hati saya dari sisa sisa toksin. Saya selalu doa agar penyakit hati saya ni dapat dibendung. 

sudah lari dari tajuk

Makanya, dari kerana itu. Saya biarkan akaun facebook pertama saya menjadi official dan saya buka lagi satu akaun facebook dan akaun facebook yang baru itu adalah personal account . Maksud saya, hanya orang yang saya kenal sahaja saya add dan orang yang saya kenal ja saya approve. Kiranya, anyone who I can tell a bit about their life. Tapi ada juga yang tak pernah chat. Contohnya, macam beberapa  jejaka yang saya pernah nampak dan saya rasa dia ada ciri ciri untuk menjadi stock gorgeous saya, maka saya add la depa. Hehee =)

Jadinya, jumlah kawan dalam akaun facebook saya yang kedua hanya ada 116. Akaun orang lain saya intai, majoritinya dah mencecah ribuan orang. Tapi ada saya kisah? mwheeheh

Sepanjang cuti SPM ni bukanlah saya lansung tak ada chat dengan kawan-kawan cuma tak sekerap biasalah. Betul kata orang, time kita nak periksa memang banyak sangat dugaan. Muka buku yang tak ada apa apa tulah yang saya nak hadap hari hari. Sekarang ni bila dah ada masa bukan main lama, satu minggu berapa kali je saya hadap facebook tu. 

Yelah, saya ni bukannya jenis manusia yang dikelilingi gadget. Saya cuma tahu facebook, twitter dan blog saja. Yang instagram instagram tu semua saya tak tahu. Yang skyping skyping tu pun saya tak tahu. Malah yang orang dok sibuk kata 'jom whats app whats app' tu pun saya tak tahu benda. Hidup saya memang seperti seorang cinderella digabungkan dengan sedikit dari cerita rapunzel. Sedeyhh.. 

Tapi saya ok je. Tak mati pun kan. Haha!

Tapi minggu ni jadi active sikit, sebab 16 Mac 2013 haritu, kawan kawan dari plkn dah balik. So, masing masing nak share pengalaman. Yelah..3 bulan kan. Ditambah pula dengan segala wish bagi keputusan SPM yang akan diumumkan pada 21 Mac 2013 nanti. ( cuak kot ). Moga Allah permudahkan segala urusan. 

Sebenarnya, masing masing sedang berkongsi rasa. Almaklumlah, debaran SPM tak sama dengan PMR. Macam macam yang bermain dalam fikiran. Tengok gambar, masing masing tersenyum. Bila chat, masing masing buat muka =) ataupun setiap kali di hujung ayat mesti ada 'HAHA!'menandakan yang masing masing okey dan fine. Realitinya? Hanya Allah yang tahu, betapa berat bahu terasa. Betapa gigil kaki ini melangkah. Untuk gagah berdiri di hari yang bakal menentukan hala dan tuju, kekuatan yang dimiliki harus bersumber dari Yang Maha Esa iaitu Allah, atau mungkin waktu itu nanti saya akan rebah. 

Saya sendiri tak tahu. Apa yang bakal terjadi nanti. Saya reda =)

Semampunya, saya cuba. InshaAllah

Such A Misty Eyes;

When I feel down,

 I didn't hope people will tell something

encourage me. 

I prefer them to embrace me,

so I will feel safe and I know

 there is at least someone who

 I can lean to. 

Yup, I cannot think 

the way you are. 

That is because I don't understand 

the way you are thinking. 

I told you so many times but 

you couldn't hear. 

Not because of you can't, but 

because you refuse to. 

There is some things that cannot 

be done, the way you hope it will. 

There is always some thing that obviously 

be an obstacle to your plan. 

I name it attemption.

Look into his eyes, you will know 

that he is scared of you. 

He think that you are scary. 

Pity him please. 

Look into his eyes, and you will know.

Because those teary eyes will tell

you that he, himself never want 

to be what he is today. 

Such A Rude Boy

When I was in standard 6.

I ironing my own uniform for both morning and evening school. 

This long period holiday 

I use to help my parents a little bit here and there. 

Like doing laundry, tidy up the house, taking care of the koi

and the bamboo. 

I don't ask any single cent from my parents but they 

give me as 'upah' so I can still buy anything that I think I 

want like my facial things or maybe some new slack and blouse. 

but things that annoying me is when I need to 

iron all Kimi cloth. 

Look, he is already in her Standard 6. 

He want to be in boarding school next year, so I thought 

I need to teach him a little here and there.

And the most important thing, he must expert

in ironing his own cloth. 

But Kimi has different character from all of my siblings. 

He is really hard and to make him listen to an order, I need ayah. 

I know , he is busy with all extra class

which is pretty much.

But, after all he must learn to think about himself. 

The part that make my heart tore is;

he can spent his time playing football at Taman's field and then 

doing homework till midnight. 

If he had time to playing, why he can't iron his own uniform. 

Usually, I will still doing it because I didn't want 

to make mama mad. 

I do it for mama, not because I really want to help him.

but the one who gain profits? of course him.

The most painful fact is, he never says thank you but 

he always treat me not like her sister and 

I think I don't have any time to spent to helping 

such a rude boy like him. 

I am just tired doing things that I don't want to 

Bebest

I tried my best to be the best 

among this best five high competition and 

when he look down at me I feel 

like nothing left beside anger. 

I want yelling and shouting but 

I really cannot do that. why?

why I am stuck to the rule you make?

I want my freedom back. 

I don't want to hold back this feeling because

it hurts me so very much I, I couldn't tell. 

The rule of respect. 

How I try to respect people,

I always get in situation where people

does not respect me, 

so why should I stay with this?

I may explode and you don't even think

about me?

I hate to be tied with anything. 

I want to walk free.

I just want you to be there supporting me,

not controlling me. 

This feelings is mine. 

Let me know the world. Please. 

I am getting tired explaining to them that I am not okay

with the rule they made and they think I am okay with that. 

Hey you. You don't know my potential 

sometimes I think Allah purposely doing this to me. 

Maybe to show me that HE is the one who never leave me behind. 

After all, that is true

Ya Allah, the time is nearer. 

This feeling spoil my mood. Even the nap wasn't that calm. 

Give me your bless for this Thurs Allah. Aminn..

Respect

Apa pendapat anda, kalau 'seseorang' tak kiralah sepupu ke, siapapunlah, masuk bilik anda tanpa keizinan. Bukan itu sahaja, cuba bayangkan bila depa dah masuk bilik anda, depa siap kunci lagi pintu bilik sampai anda tak boleh nak masuk. Saya rasa itu bukan setakat tak hormat tapi itu dah dikira kurang ajar. 

Maaflah, saya ni bukan jenis orang yang hatinya baik sangat. Susah untuk saya mengikhlaskan barang barang saya daripada disentuh oleh orang lain. Tapi jangan salah sangka. Kalau setakat adik beradik saya tu, saya tak lah kisah mana. Sama darah kan. Lagipun keikhlasan saya ni bergantung kepada perasaan saya juga. 

Kalau saya tak berapa rapat sangat dengan seseorang tu, ataupun saya ada tak berkenan dengan perangai dia ke apa, saya memang susah nak ikhlaskan hati saya. Bukan saya nak pilih kasih tapi saya ni manusia. Hanya manusia biasa. Perasaan yang macam tu datang tiba tiba. Saya tak boleh nak control. Ditambah pula, saya ni bukan jenis yang mudah suka pada orang. Saya seorang yang ramah. Boleh dibawa bicara dan ketawa, tapi untuk suka dengan seseorang tu, saya payah sikit. Hati saya tak sebesar mana. Payah nak buka ruang untuk banyak manusia. 

Kepada sang tetamu. Saya tahu anda tu tetamu dan saya perlu respect tetamu. Tapi sepatutnya, anda pun perlulah respect harta saya. Tak kiralah apapun hubungan antara kita. Saya cuma tak suka anda ceroboh ruang peribadi saya. Anda tak layak berkongsi dengan saya sebab saya tak suka kongsi apa apa pun harta saya dengan anda. Haiiishhh.. 

Tapi benda ni semua terkecuali daripada a few people macam mama saya, adik beradik perempuan saya, cousin yang saya sayang macam Pipa dan Kak Ika. Yang lain tu, tolonglah peka dengan sinbol NO ENTRY pada pintu bilik saya tu. Saya tahu anda sedang cuba nak tackle hati saya, tapi saya tak suka orang lain suka suka hati je nak masuk dalam hidup saya. Tak kisahlah anda tu lelaki atau perempuan dan samaada saudara saya atau bukan. 

Bila saya menolong, itu tak bererti saya terima anda dalam hidup saya. Menolong tu kadang kadang jadi habit saya. (kadang kadang). Kalau saya betul betul boleh terima anda dalam hidup saya, biasanya saya yang akan text anda dulu ataupun bila anda message saya akan response ataupun saya ada tulis sebarang stupid things dekat wall anda. 

Maafkan saya. Saya dilahirkan begini dan apa yang saya tahu, proses kehidupan saya mengajar saya untuk menjadi saya yang ada didepan anda sekarang. Saya bukan tak cuba ikhlaskan hati ni, cuma saya tak mampu nak kawal hati dan perasaan saya. Jujur, hati saya sangat sakit bila anda..ya anda(tetamu di rumah saya) masuk kedalam bilik saya dan menguncinya. Saya tak tahu kenapa tapi hati saya terasa bisa. 

What you want and what you don't

I am so jealous with them who know 

what they really want. 

Steve Chandler once said in his book,

don't list what you want, 

list what you don't want. 

I does not understand what he means by that

when I first time read it 

but steve give a cause why he's saying that;

'when you list what you don't want. You will automatically

know what you want and will give an effort

to achieve what you want and clearly know what you don't want instead.

If you list 'things that you want' you might 

not be able to see the solutions

'How to make things that you don't want really not come after you'

So Rhan, the future out there is yours.

Believe in it and stay strong. 

define what you want and what you don't.

You can define it well.

SPM

This heart beat rise each second and the feeling is like

there is a bomb planted in this heart and 

I am waiting for the death that I was informed to. 

I scared I don't reach their expectation,

they will not saying that they are disappointed but 

how could I smile in front of them after that?

For this thirteen years since I was in kindergarten 

until last year.

They invest so much money for me.

How can I look at their face when the result which 

come out soon doesn't reach at their expectation?

I think how good or bad the result will be. 

I think about my parents reaction and 

how should I react after get the result. 

The result doesn't come out yet

but the questions is full, here in my mind. 

Beta's all A's. InshaAllah. May Allah Bless. Good Luck guys. 

PMR dan SPM berbeza

waktu PMR lain ceritanya. 

PMR tak macam SPM. 

PMR tentukan kemana kita. 

SPM tentukan siapa kita.

sama ada yang meminta

ataupun yang memberi

sama ada yang berada diatas 

atau yang berada dibawah

sama ada yang dihormati 

atau yang dipandang enteng oleh masyarakat

lepas ni

dunia kita ialah dunia diluar rumah. 

dunia diluar sekolah

dunia yang sebenarnya dunia

dunia yang luar dari jangkaan sedar kita. 

kalau sebelum ni, 

kita boleh berleka leka.

gelak sana gelak sini

tapi lepas ni, 

kehidupan tu , dunia ni ibaratkan seperti satu perlumbaan. 

sepatutnya kita tak perlu berlumba pun

tapi dunia dah tetapkan itu sebagai peraturannya. 

Kita terpaksa follow

The Stand;

image is not available

I believe most of us can accept 

advise and opinion, 

but we absolutely hate a comparison.

I just fine when you compare with 

other in front of that crowd known people. 

Look, I just want to make it clear here. 

When I am not say a single words

about your action,

that does not mean that I am okay with it,

but it is because of respect I plant 

in my self for person like you.

I lack at here and there.

I notice it but ignoring it.

For now, I don't know either it right or not

but, yeah it seem so like me. 

I just want to make you clear, 

that comparison doesn't suit me. 

I will not keep it in my heart but I mind it.

To me, if you can accept me 

just the way I am. 

I believe we do well together.

You just need to give yourself a 

space to see my kindness or my abilities,

so you will accept me just the way 

you accept other people. 

-lols-

Randomize

All I ever wanted was the world. People say I am difficult but I said it always someone else 's fault. 

I don't know what is real and what is not. 

The things I aim, I want to hold it tight. Like I can imagine its already there. 

Knowing that I need to wait a little more, 

it make me scare. 

To describe this feeling is impossible for people to understand but 

this is the way I live my life

-non sense-

Blurbing Action!

This time she's gonna fix her heart and make it bullet proof . She says never never bite more than you can chew. This time she's gonna get real, love the skin she's in . She says a winner never quits, quitters never win. She said this time that she is built to face anything . This time she's gonna live to work, she's not working to live.She says it seems too good to be true, well then it probably is .This time she's gonna pick herself up no more breaking down . She says if he's looking for love then she don't want to be found .This time she's gonna raise her head choose the righteous path . She said better to have and not need, than to need and not have 

When you shoot across the sky like a broken arrow . You fall of course 

AAAAAAAA'S

.SPM.

WOULD YOU BE GREAT? 

When people ask about the result,

I was stuttered.

Hey, the result does not come out yet

how can I answer your question. 

I might look relax but the 

rate of my heart beat rise each second. 

Don't put me in any miserable situation. 

The result doesn't come out yet 

but of course each of spm candidates-12

can assume their own result 

based on their effort and the answer they choose

for each questions. 

I just hope that the result 

would be good. 

I really hope

so, when I still can laughing 

when I still can running man-ing 

It doesn't mean that I don't care.

  I am -speechless-

One Millions Women Purple Walk

Happy Women Day =)

Sebenarnya saya ni bukanlah orang yang mengingati Hari Hari rasmi yang ada di Malaysia ni. Bukan sebab tak penting tapi tak juga kerana penting sangat, cuma otak saya tak cukup kolum untuk hari hari tu semua. Yang saya ingat birthday mama ayah saya, adik beradik saya, a few of my friends punya birthday and a few date yang saya rasa ada makna buat saya.

Sempena Hari Wanita tahun ni. Kerajaan ada anjurkan 'One Millions Women Purple Walk. Dah nama pun ada purple can, so secara vetonya warna purple mendominasi dataran Putrajaya pada pagi yang barakah ni. Seronok rengok depa ramai ramai senamrobik. satu..dua..tiga..lapan.. lapan lagi. Haha!

Dalam family, aku dikelilingi oleh tiga orang wanita.

1. Mama
She is beautiful. Keturunan jawa. Dia garang (student kata ) tapi pada saya, taklah garang mana. Saya senang kalau bercerita dengan dia sebab selalunya dia mempunyai pendapat yang saya boleh terima. Saya suka bercakap dengan orang yang ada idea tentang masa depan. Its like...susah nak cakap. Kawan mama pernah tanya rahsia mama.

Rahsia bagaimana menjadi kawan kepada anak anak. Sebab mama, Kak Farah dan saya selalu bergurau senda walaupun dikhalayak ramai. Kami tak kekok untuk bicara soal hati dan perasaan kami dengan mama. Sebagai seorang yang sudah dewasa, dia tahu yang kami sendiri tak mampu menolak segala perasaan yang bergejolak dalam hati. Kerana itu, dia menjadi tempat untuk kami sandarkan segala perasaan ini supaya perasaan ini nanti tak memakan diri kami.

2. Kak Farah
Dia ikut wajah mama. Kalau ditanya siapa kawan saya. Saya akan kata, itu dia..classmate saya. Tapi kalau ditanya siapa kawan sejati atau dalam bahasa omputih 'real friend', saya akan jawab -kakak saya-

kenapa?

Dah berbelas tahun dia kenal saya. Selang satu tahun dari saya tak menjadi penghalang untuk kami berkongsi ceria dan duka. Dia pelindung saya. Pernah saya suarakan pada Tuhan, saya tak perlukan seorang abang jika saya ada kakak seperti Kak Farah. ( saya memang tak ada abang pun )

Pernah satu hari, sewaktu disekolah agama. Ada seorang budak lelaki. Syafiq namanya. Syafiq tarik kerusi saya kebelakang sebelum sempat saya duduk dan ini menyebabkan saya jatuh. Sakitnya..hanya Tuhan yang tahu. Macam nak patah pinggang ni.

Perkara tu, sampai ketelinga kakak saya yang kelasnya hanya bersebelahan dengan kelas saya. Kak Farah masuk dalam kelas saya tanpa permisi dan apa yang saya nampak 'Kak Farah sepak pipi Syafiq'.
Bukan tu saja. Banyak lagi yang jadi. Sebab tu, bila orang tanya, saya ni tak cemburu ke dengan kakak saya, jawapan saya -tak-.

Kalau nak diikutkan, secara kasarnya..ya saya akui kelebihan kakak saya terserlah berbanding saya tapi apa lagi yang saya mahukan. Selama ini dia yang menjaga saya. Perit jerih hati ini, dia tahu semuanya. Jadi perlukah saya berhasad dengannya sedangkan saya tahu setiap manusia itu ada destini hidup sendiri?

3. Baby
Adik bongsu saya. Ahh.. dia bukan wanita pun. Baru sembilan tahun. So, perangai dia yang annoying tu membuatkan saya tak ada benda nak cerita fasal dia melainkan ...

saya selalu buli dia
saya sangat suka buli dia
hari hari saya buli dia
sebab dia sahaja yang boleh dibuli
kesian dia..dibuli oleh saya.

Selamat Hari Wanita.. =)

We are not capable.

you can do many things but you can not do everything

we are all like that.

we are human who born without any super power,

so admit it when you cannot do it 

and leave it to the one who master about it. 

Sometimes we must admit that there is people 

who is able to do things that we are not able to do.

That is why, people have so much different characters.

so we can help each other.

In other words, complete each other as human being 

and cooperate together to build a strong bond

between we human. 

we are a great creatures created. 

we are different colors with beautiful light.

we are just we.

I love the way I am and I love the way you are. 

Story on the Road

Semalam Pak cik treat us a dinner. Maybe because nak menyambut tiga bulan lamanya tanpa anak sulung beliau yang merantau ke ceruk mana ntah atas urusan 'plkn'. Kadang kadang aku terfikir juga,

 'its good to be there. Meeting other people. Get myself out of the circle to find some new friends, so my circle will be bigger. You know, its like changing stories, so I can learn from them. But I was so unlucky that I was not nominated in the list, but I am glad that I didn't get any offer for plkn program. At least, I can read a lot of books and at least I can get my driving license earlier. Haha'

Even my birthday was on 13 dec, but Alhandulillah I get my licence at the end of January.

Tapi asyik le kena 'hempuk' bertubi tubi dengan ayah sebab cara aku bawa kereta macam orang tak sayang nyawa. Hehee..

Ayah pun pelik siapalah tester yang bagi aku lulus. Then aku bukalah cerita, how aku boleh lulus dengan hanya one try. Percubaan pertamaa...ceh.

"Orang(me) naik kereta dengan JPJ, bagi salam semua. Enjin dah siap hidup. Orang tanyalah tester tu, perlu ke matikan semula enjin tu dan jawapannya adalah -tidak-. Lepas lengkap lima perkara, bawalah kereta macam biasa. normal. Then dekat traffic light, jari jemari aku dah beku sebenarnya sebab aircond dia kuat sangat. so, untuk mengelakkan sebarang ketidakselesaan berlaku maka dengan penuh sopan dan santunnya aku tutup penghawa dingin untuk pemandu. TAPI sebelum tu, aku tanya dulu tester tu.

sekadar beradab.

'encik..saya tutup aircond saya yer'

tester tu mula buat muka pelik sebelum tanya 'kenapa'

Jawapan aku mudah sahaja. 'saya..semputtt..' Haha!

Dan aku lulus JPJ test even dengan dua kali enjin mati. Twice guys. It was twice and I pass?
Yeah..I pass.

-miracle happen-

SPM;

20.3 or 21/3?

rumors is everywhere.

Mereka tak tahu hati aku 

sudah berkocak 

maha hebat.

Even genius student pun, 

crying in the morning when thinking

about her result. 

Inikan pula aku yang

sekadar biasa biasa sahaja. Ahak!

Berada dalam kelas 

sains tulen tak menjamin yang 

kau akan dapat good result

and then be a doctor!

It wasn't simple as that. 

For me, I can say that I meet

my path but, 

like I ever said before. 

I need to wait for the result,

which will be the only key.

The key to open the door,

to the road I have chosen to be as

my path so I can reach to my destiny. 

"we can change out fate but we cannot avoid from destiny"-C.H