Becoming

Today, I visited old posts again,

and it felt strange, 

like reading the diary 

of someone I used to know. 

The words were mine, 

the feelings too, 

yet the person behind them 

felt so far away. 

I guess that's the truth of living. 

Every day we quietly,

become someone new,

so slowly we hardly notice it,

until one day 

we look back 

and barely recognize ourselves. 

And still,

every version was me. 

The hopeful one.

The lost one. 

The one who don't know how to love. 

The one who love too much. 

None of them disappeared. 

They simply became 

the person I am now. 

Maybe that's comforting. 

It means we are capable of change. 

Capable of surviving.

Capable of becoming more

than who we once were. 

But growth is never ours alone. 

The people we loved are changing too. 

Because while we were becoming new versions of ourselves. 

They were becoming someone else too. 

Bare

Today's writing is difficult for me,

because I know not everyone 

will understand this feeling. 

But I think you deserve an explanation. 

In my early twenties, 

my skin broke apart before my eyes. 

Acene bloomed endlessly across my face,

deep scars settling into places 

I thought would never heal. 

I spent thousands 

on skincare, supplements, hope -

trying to fix something 

that made me afraid of mirrors.

People used to ask me, 

"Where do you get that confidence?"

To speak so freely, 

to stand before crowds, 

to become visible without fear., 

But what I truly heard was this:

"How can someone who looks like you 

stand so boldly without shame?" 

And perhaps they were right. 

No one asks beautiful women 

where they get their confidence from. 

Beauty is often mistaken 

as confidence itself. 

So when people looked at me with surprise,

I understood what they meant. 

I did not look like someone 

who should have confidence in her bones. 

And the truth is

I didn't. 

I hid my shame behind composure. 

I smiled like I had accepted myself

long before I actually did 

No one knew how deeply 

I mourned my own reflection.

Until slowly,

I learned gentleness towards myself, 

I learned that healing 

is not always immediate, 

but it is possible. 

My skin began to recover.

The scars softened. 

My face grew brighter, healthier. 

And people began asking me

to share my breakout journey. 

At first, I hesitated.

But eventually, I did. 

Because if my story 

could help someone survive theirs, 

then perhaps the pain 

had not been meaningless after all. 

And for a while, 

it felt beautiful

to turn suffering into comfort 

for someone else. 

Then one day 

a man asked for my before-and-after photos. 

He said he wanted to recommend my skincare brand to his customers. 

I trusted him, so I gave them willingly. 

Months later, 

I discovered my face 

had traveled far beyond my permission. 

Passed from group to group,

shown in classes, 

shared among strangers, 

who knew nothing about the girl 

inside those photograph. 

And suddenly, 

what once felt empowering 

began to feel violating. 

Yes, I wanted to help.

But I did not want my vulnerability

to become public property. 

There is a strange loneliness 

in seeing your insecurities 

circulate in rooms 

you have never entered. 

Since then, 

every request for my photos

has felt heavier than before. 

Because people only see testimony.

They do not see the trembling hands

that once took those photo in secret, 

or the courage it took 

to let the world witness them. 

Not everyone will understand this feeling. 

But those who have carried shame 

in their own skin 

probably will. 

Assalammualaikum,

I would like to start this entry by apologising if what I am gonna write today, may conflicted our views on certain things. Many knows that I have successfully recovered from severe breakout. 

When I was a teen, my skin was oily. When I was in college, I had combination skin. When I started my degree, my skin started to get frustrated and rebellious. Hence, acne all over my face and it left deep scars. Deep and dark I shall say. 

Then, I spent thousands for my skincare and supplements to get my skin clear. I was sad but I try not to think a lot about that. I was ashamed of my skin, but never once I show it. I hid in disguise. I grateful for abundance confidence Allah lend me, that's the only reason I could survive.

Until I met Artistry x Nutrilite 

When I recovered. My skin started to clear, and getting better, I couldn't be more than happy. That I finally finf skincare that match me (in and out). Ofc, I would be willing to share my experience to everyone. I hope my stories could help them pass theirs too. 

But I could only be happy if I am the one who delivers the message. 

This is the toughest part to say. I swear..

Once, someone asked my before-and-after picture. I give it to him. I thought he could use that to help someone else. Never did I know that he also shared my photo with his group. I know he mean well, but it just makes me uncomfortable knowing that my picture was in the hand of countless strangers. 

Since that, I don't feel good about sharing my acne stories to people. Especially letting then having my before-and-after picture. 

This is not a feeling someone with no experience will understand. 

When sparring partner request to share my pictures, ofc it put me on the edge. I know I could help, and I really wanted to. But I just don't feel good about that and I hate that feeling. 

Inheritance

Because I am a woman, 

the world taught me 

how to carry burdens 

that were never mine to begin with. 

Others fail, 

yet it is my shoulders

that are asked to endure;

as though womanhood itself 

were an inheritance of blame. 

And slowly,

day after day, 

the world has made me afraid -

afraid to one day bring 

a daughter into a life 

that delights in breaking wings 

before they ever learn the sky. 

Not because I hate women. 

No. 

It is because I know too well 

the weight they carry.

I am not asking for revolutions, 

nor do I hunger for crowns of equality.

I only wish for a world 

where men remember 

the duties they were given, 

and women are no longer taught

to shrink themselves 

for the comfort of others.

Because a woman's place 

was never merely in the kitchen,

nor hidden beneath voices 

that tell her to be quite 

to yield, 

to understand, 

to endure. 

I know the beauty of gentleness. 

I know the grace of patience, 

But I despise the way 

those virtues are turned into chains, 

binding women 

for the rest of their lives. 

Perhaps my knowledge is still small. 

Perhaps I know too little,

too little of religion 

too little of the world.

Yet I know what it feels like 

to live conquered-

by traditions, 

by families, 

by invisible hands deciding,

how woman should love, 

how woman should breathe.

And every time I try to speak, 

the world whispers softly:

"Be silent,

You are a woman"

Silence Is Not Distance

"Are you pushing people away?"

No. I am not. 

"You will end up lonely if you keep doing this," they say. 

"Make more friends" 

I don't respond. Not because I have no answer, 

but because not every explanation is owed, 

and not every silence is rejection. 

I do not resent them. 

I understand where they come from. 

They try to care in the way they know how,

and I am grateful for the good moments, 

for the people who shaped me, 

for the kindness that found its way into my life. 

But I've learned something along the way,

even good friendship does not erase loneliness.

Tell me.

Can someone truly carry the weight of your entire inner world?

I have been a good friend before. 

I know what it means to be present, to listen, to stay. 

But I also know this; 

even the closest people only ever see fragments of you. 

A sister sleeps besides you, 

yet does not know every thought you bury. 

A mother hears your stories, 

yet never the ones you can bring yourself to speak. 

A partner may love you deeply, 

and still there will be corners of you they will never fully reach. 

We are, in the end, 

solitary minds living shared lives. 

I once pray for someone 

who would know everything about me. 

But how could that exist,

when I myself am still learning who I am?

So I began studying myself instead. 

Not to close myself off from others

but to stop abandoning myself in the process of belonging. 

And no, I don't "push people away."

I simply learn to prioritize. 

Sometimes growth looks like choosing sleep over late-night talks, 

choosing work over invitations. 

choosing dicipline over distraction.

Not because people matter less, 

but because direction matters too. 

Growing up is not about liking or disliking people. 

It is about knowing what must be done, 

even when it means saying no. 

Still, people ask for explanations. 

But not everything needs to be explained

to be valid. 

Listening is kind - yes. 

But forced understanding is not healing. 

Sometimes the most respectful thing 

is to let people carry their own weight 

without demanding they unpack it for you. 

Everyone is already carrying enough. 

Work, dreams, family, survival, uncertainty.

Do not add more simply because curiosity feels like care. 

Respect is not intrusion disguise as concern. 

Respect is space. 

And about the future, 

about love, about marriage, about being "pity-worthy" 

I do not argue. 

Because I trust that what is meant for me 

will understand me in ways beyond explanation.

Not perfectly, not effortlessly

but truthfully. 

And perhaps that is what marriage is

not completion, 

but continuous understanding 

between two imperfectly known worlds. 

Above all, I've learned this,

respect people's paths. 

We never truly know 

what someone had to survive to become who they are. 

We only see the surface of decisions 

that were once prayers, struggles, and quite endurance. 

So give people space. 

Let them lead their lives in their own way. 

And if I seem distant, 

it is not absence. 

It is simply this, 

I am still here, 

just learning how to exist without losing myself. 

Covid-19: Sebuah Pengalaman

Dua minggu sebelum kerajaan mengeluarkan arahan kawalan pergerakan kepada semua rakyat Malaysia, saya sudah pulang ke kampung dua minggu lebih awal. Bukan untuk bercuti, tetapi kerana saya telah diberhentikan. Saya bekerja didalam bidang perkapalan dan mengurus aktiviti eksport dari United States yang berpangkalan di Malaysia. 

Sejak bulan disember yang lalu, saya dan rakan sekerja dapat merasakan bahawa statistik 

Network Marketing: How tainted the industry is?

Ever heard network marketing or multilevel marketing (MLM). Just the sight of the alphabet M.L.M has made you feel loathed. Am I right, am I not? The fact is, multilevel company is just another type of business method to promote a product. However, MLM industry has been tainted so badly by irresponsible people who gain profit by misuse the real concept of network marketing. 

I do not deny the fact that many MLM company out there are scam. They show you bundle of money and a ferrari. They claim to earn all that in merely a month. Be it network marketing or other type of business, there is a process before you gain profit. Network marketing is not "skim cepat kaya". 

Just like a knife. If you use it to cook for your loved one, then it is good. If you use to kill people, then it is bad. What makes network marketing bad is because of irrespomsible people who misconduct. They use the platform for a wrong purpose. 

"Are you pushing people away?" No. I am not

"you will end up being lonely if you keep pushing other people away. make some friend" they say. I didn't reply because it's fine if people don't understand my situation as long as I am very clear of my principle. I do not blame or resent anyone for this differences. I embrace and appreciate these kind of people with their effort to help other people by being a good friend. 

However, do you think  being a good friend is enough to make someone feels good about themselves? I have been there -- being a good friend. However, do not look at it in a wrong way. It is a good experience that mature us. I am grateful that Allah sent those people in my life, that they grow me for who I am today. Good memories are memories just as bad memories. And when we had the good memories, why do we only focus on the bad one? 

And through these experience, I learned that life is a lonely journey. Even when you sleep next to your sister, you won't know what really happened to her, what is in her thought and how she could be possibly get hurt by her friends, or even you. Even if you tell your mom everything about you, there will always be some stories that is left untold. And no matter how much you love your spouse, there are some thoughts that you never share. 

you know, I dramatically pray, so God will send me a partner who knows everything about me. But how can it be possible when me myself, didn't fully aware and know myself. Therefore, I learn to sudy myself. Only by knowing myself, I can know, what kind of partner that I need to ensure my growth mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually and materialistically (correct ah my spelling?) 

And yes, I always get that "don't push me away". I don't push people away -- I really don't. As you grow up, you learn how to prioritize, like mastering your marketing plan is much more important than accept your friends invitation to watch movie. You go to sleep instead joining your friend's pillow talk party, because you had meeting tomorrow morning and you just do not want to spoil your mood in case you are late because you lack of sleep. When you reject the invitation, doesn't mean that you dislike that person.

"growing up is not the matter of likes or dislikes. you just do what you need to do"

"Then explain" they said. I know people care, however, even if they care about you what they can really do? They can be a good listener -- do you really think that being a good listener will help lift up the load from someone's shoulder? Unless they asked for it, yes it would help. But when they didn't say anything, don't force people to explain themselves to you when they are not obligated to do so. No matter how much we care about other people, I sincerely feel that "respect people's space" is far more important than needless kindness. 

work, side income, part time job, business plan, growth, family -- people had enough on their plate, don't add any. be respectful for people space. Learn to know you thin line between personal and private space. You may enter someone's personal space but not their private space. 

"Pity you husband" they threatened. I don't comment on this because I am confident in God's promises to me. That He will partnered me with the best man, who specially made for me. we will clique, no matter how different we are. And marriage is not the end of relationship. Marriage is an institute of endless learning about human minds and feelings. 

Anyhow, I learn that, above all -- respect. Always respect whatever decision people make for their life, because we never know what they went through, set through, prayed through and cried through. Even their decision may seem ridiculous to us, but that's that. We are not in their shoe. We can give our feedback, but we cannot force them to receive and practice our advise, because we also won't follow people advise when we feel their judgement is untrue and unfair -- for the fact that they know nothing about us. 

Therefore, keep your cool. #socialdistance and even I don't talk to you, I always keep you in my prayer. And don't try to know everything just to get hurt. Learn to give people space to set everything together, because some people road maps are tangled beyond repair. "jauh dimata tapi dekat dihati" 

"you are not okay alone, you just get used to it" I don't deny it. Perhaps, there is some truth in her assumption, but no one knows what no one knows. Focus on self betterment, so whoever that someone will be, whenever that someone will come, you are already at your best to accept him/her wholeheartedly, without regret. To be really sure, to go through a hell-roller-coaster ride together with a stranger who you barely know for few months or years -- for your lifetime. 

- end.

Accepatance: How hard it is?

Today I go out with my ex-classmate (primary school). It has been years since we met each other, but we still following each other on instagram, so we do know what they are up to now. Basic information from whatever we are showing to people. And because of my ig story about foundation, she wanted to know more about my foundation Artistry Youth Extend Foundation. We set an appointment, and we meet. 

That's not the main point actually, but I am telling because I am happy to get to see her again. why? because I always get to learn something when I meet and talk with people. If you look closely to your conversation with people, you will realise that, there is always someone's else side in you and there is always someone's else story that match your. This is because, we are all actually living and facing the same situation, but at different places, time and scale. 

She talked about her roommates (not badmouthing), we just discuss on a topic - acceptance. How we define acceptance and are we truly accept people for who they are just like what we claim to be? Deep down, you know better. There is so much things about someone that you dislike, you loath -- you just can't accept them. You said they are rude, they lack of common sense. You use every reasons possible to validate that your actual feeling & perception towards them is not wrong. That that person, is wrong! -- and just because they don't think like you, they don't dress like you and they don't share the same common sense as you. 

You ignore the fact that you both come from different region, different belief, different education background, and receive different parenting. The simplest example of doing the dishes in someone's home. When you pay a visit to your friend's house, you insist to do the dish when your friend kindly reject your offer because your friend's family do not want people to be in their kitchen -- just because. On the other hand, as someone who raised to be helpful and polite, you insist because you must set an example, because that's what are you raised up to be, how you're taught. 

of you who wanted to be helpful and your friends who do not welcome people into their kitchen, you conflicted. Even common sense is not really a common things actually. Now you realise how much the word "common sense" weighted?

Now, do you believe me if I said, when something bad happen, sometimes it is not about who is right and who is wrong. You just look at the same thing from different view and nothing is wrong with that. So, how to deal with this kind of situation. Always take the first word of what people said. If they said, don't come in, just stay outside. If they said, to leave the plates on the table, and do as you told. If people blame you for being so dimwitted, at least you are saving yourself in case they are not joking. By the way, we need to stop saying things we don't mean. If not, it will trouble us like this. 

As for me, when I at home. My mom need to give a clear direction, if not, I am doing exactly what my mom told me. I have learned to set my boundaries since I was a kid. We can never blame someone for how they grew up to be, but as long as everyone embrace the differences that we had, we can solves these conflicts. 

I asked earlier about how we sees ourselves in other people stories -- remember? You know why you are so mad of other people? simply because you cannot accept you. You don't love yourself much enough for you to accept your strength and embrace your weakness. Because once you do, you will get this realization of the concept of acceptance. You will be more open to see the difference between you and your friends. You won't question why they choose to do different things from you. You won't get mad when they don't stretch their mattress like you do. 

I guess that is the overall concept of acceptance. 

Till then. 

What I shop at my shop?

My ex-classmate, Hanis and I

She wanted to buy my foundation Artistry Youth Extend Foundation. However, the one I had is quite dark for her skin, so I asked her to choose her own color at my shop. Woman being a woman; you only intended to buy one thing but you will end up piling up everything in the basket. just like how we love a man, we intended to love one time, but we keep fall for him over and over again. -- (cringe)

Tropical Herbs Post Natal Care - Last two weeks, I give a call to my close cousin, Fauzan. His wife is expected to due in April. She's pregnant. I asked if they already prepare post natal care. This is what most husband leave up to his mother or mother in law. Gentlemen, please alert because your wife and you are in this journey together. On my way to shop (exactly two weeks after), he calls me and confirmed to buy one set. The best thing about this set is, you don't need to top up anything. A complete set for 44 days. 

Soy Protein Nutrilite - Basically my current favorite drink. because it is not only good for weight management but also for glow and fluffy skin. This one is mine, because I just finished my lost-count-bottle. DYK? Our body do not store protein, therefore we need to replenish every single day. However, there is no way that we can get enough protein through our daily diet which mostly ruined because of our stubbornness to eat junk food. I shall discipline myself. 

aren't supplement not good for your kidney? yes, if the product is not go through R&D process. The reason why I choose this brand Nutrilite is because of their expertise. Behind every tablet, there is a thousand scientist who do a continuous research to ensure you get a high quality nutritiousness supplement.   

do we really need supplements? yes we do. Ignoring supplement is like walking under the rain with broken umbrella. You feel protected but you are drenched in rain. I will talk more on nutrition thingy on specific post later on. 

Artistry Hydra V Cleanser - I started my nutrilite journey on February 2018. I started my artistry journey on January 2019. Synergy-cally, they do wonders to my skin (there will be a special post on this, you will eventually get to see my "before" photo). I started with trial pack, in tiny tiny little bottle with RM60. Wth -- so pricey, I said. But I have spend thousands to repair my face, why not spend another sixty, for one last time. And it worth all the wait. That tiny trial pack last for seven months, just imagine if I started to use the original size? This manufacturer is crazy!! Why they produce a product that can last that long, people can save so much money. How many months I don't buy skincare anymore. Lastly, on August 2019 I bought Artistry Hydra V (set; cleanser, toner & moisturize). Unfortunately I lost my cleanser, so I need to buy another one. By the way, till this day March, 2020. My toner is still half bottle full. Eight months and counting. I do a calculation, I roughly spend only RM28 per month, for premium product with this effect. I am proud for being saving-money-genius not only my parents, my husband will also proud of me. He must be feel assured if he knows that I love to save money this much :) 

Artistry Youth Extend Foundation - DYK? Once upon a time, I am an ugly duckling. I don't wear make up. Just lipstick and powder (if I remember to put some). Most day I go out bare face, unfortunately without sunblock also. That's why I am darker. There is one time in my life, when I follow my mom to Mahkota Prade (MP). She entered Watson. While waiting for her, I play around make up section. I look at the fancy lipstick on the shelves and took one. Nude color just entered the market that time. So I try one. It looks too bright on me -- my lips becomes white and powdered. I go to my mom, showing off my lipstick. she asked me what I am wearing. Judging by her looks, I wiped out my lips thinking it looks bad on me and I realised that it won't come off!!! what's wrong with this lipstick, is it smudgeproof (i don't even know this word before). I confidently walk out from the drugstore, only to know later on, that I am actually wearing concealer on my lips. From a girl who don't even know what concealer is, to a woman who can make up herself for events, Artistry has changed me a lot -- for a bigger and better purpose. 

Artistry Essential Make up Wipe - I first use this product when my cousin bought it for me. I don't ask about the price though. It's a wipe tissue and it comes in handy everytime I get so lazy to get the rag to wipe spilled coffee on the floor. I will clean my desk, my mirror with this wipe tissue not knowing that a box of it cost RM30, and it is not a normal wipe tissue!! It is a make up remover which content premium ingredients to help you remove your make up efficiently. I am so done!!! That's how people are. we never truly appreciate something until we realise its value. 

did I said anything about "don't eat junk food?", you read wrongly. 

it's lunch time

Emotionless emotional

That's why I choose to remain silent. For I know we think differently. For I know we see things differently. And for I know, being different is no one's fault but human being, they blame each others for looking at the same picture, from different angle. 

1. I don't like being pushy. So when I seek for help, I will only ask for once. Sebab aku bukan jenis nak kena dapat apa yang aku nak, by putting other people dalam keadaan dia susah dan tak selesa. If I want what I want, I will get it, by help from people if I need it, but not forcing them into it. There are two major different. 

2. If someone call for help, don't wait for them to explain the situation. Some people are just not good at it, or, if that could be done, they won't seek for help leh. Think! And I would feel pathetic to explain an essay long before I could get an help. That's why, when people come for my help, either two; I will help, or I won't. Whatever comes later, I shall be responsible for the conseqences of my action. I won't go to them and tell them "why don't you tell a little sooner?" Sebab orang bila dah minta tolong, means, dia sendiri dah dalam keadaan tak selesa. So, if you nak tolong, you tolong, no matter in what condition they are in -- unexplained. 

3. And people have right to express what they are feeling. But one thing though, adab bila minta tolong, kalau orang say yes untuk bantu, alhamdulillah. Kalau orang tak nak tolong pun, alhamdulillah. Either way pun, kau tetap akan belajar. You will learn, that -- no one is going to stay. Mereka takkan selalu ada. And it is a very lonely journey. Dan tak ada apa pun yang salah. As I said, adulting is not easy. You need to handle everything in your plate by your own, you don't have time to bother what is in other's. No hard feelings.

4. However, situasi diatas hanya valid kalau kau minta tolong dari stranger or someone yang not really close with you. But if you had deep relationship dengan people, it might get a bit twisted. Why? Because there is string attached. And normally, when you know someone personally, you know their stories. And when you know their stories, you stored everything in your memory. And when you feel left behind, (they don't really put you behind la), people just have their own priority and you cannot get angry when you are not someone's priority. 

5. However (again!), even robot had feelings nowadays. When someone close to you make you feel like you are not a priority, it makes you somehow bitter. But you wanted to understand them. You wanted to tell yourself that it is alright. You wanted to tell yourself that it is okay, and you are not losing the world. But then again, to put yourself in someone shoes, to understand that they don't have intention to hurt you. To understand every bit of what is happening around, you won't be able to do that with a smile. And I, cannot do the process with a smile. I need my own time, my own space. 

6. And don't bother to know what people hid inside. Don't push people to explain, when you are not ready for the truth. Because when there are two people, one of them is emotionless, another is emotional. Of course thing won't go as they both planned. So, instead of wondering what was in each other's mind, just know that you guys are actually looking at the very same thing, but from different angle. And what work best? Associate with those who look at the same direction as you, from the same angle. 

7. That's why. Reposition is a need. Not to put the blame on people. Not to create a distance. Just so, both parties could be enjoy the scenery comfortably. Because they speak the same language at equal frequency.  

This is the logic and rational. But when you involve your emotions, this rule is void. 

And darling, adulthood is no longer about what we like/dislike. We just need to do what we need to do. That's it. Even if it is uncomfortable, you need to do it. Just like moving from your sister house to your friend's. Not because you don't love her, just because staying together will benefit no one. Sebab lebih dari orang lain, kau yang paling faham hubungan kau dengan famili sendiri. 

Tak semua orang was blessed with family yang sync. Yang masuk air sama2 and get along well in whatever condition. Some, they realised that the gap of their personality tu is very different. And if staying together makes things worst, why stay? If keeping a distance could save it from getting worst, why stay? So, even if it is uncomfortable to put a line with family, if it was something you need to do, for better purpose, why stay?

Being emotionless like this will end up making someone feels lonely. But truth is, life is a lonely journey. 

Difficult me

Do you ever feel like you are a complicated person?

As far as I remember, I was cheerful. I love to play and laugh a lot. Until I was eleven, I am not as cheerful. When I was twelve, I was bullied verbally. No one dare to make it physical and they know who my father is. Growing up as bullies survivors is tough. 

The flame in the eyes, the fire within the body -- you just don't tolerate anymore. I get so cold that no one is right except for what I believe. I get so protective and defensive. I hurt others to save me. My words were so vicious and I do that to protect me. I know, I cannot hurt people just because I was hurt. But I was forced to be matured, when I am not ready. Rebellious -- when I was thirteen. 

After finish high school. I went to college. First time away from family. I learnt how to tame my anger. To do self reflect. To learn and accept the decree. To forgive others and most importantly to cure me. I need help, I know. I need to seek for help, because I am not strong enough to go through this alone. 

Slowly recovering. I became cheerful again. Degree is the most memorable years for me. I got to do a lot of things without any difficulties. I made good friends, eat good food, joint good programs and it helps me to evolve and improve my character. 

But along the way, I am used to be alone. 

I may seem friendly on the outside, but once I step into my room -- it's me time. And I enjoy me time a lot, that I could sit there, reading, watching movies and I would love if people don't talk to me. My small circle consist only me and the diameter is one feet only. Which means, in my private circle, it only fit me.

You can have fun with me, when we were outside. But not when I am with me. 

Precious Time

I learned from my dad to respect time, especially when it involved other party. My mom always told me, "make sure people don't wait for us, it's okay if we wait for people". My parents is a teacher. When I was in school, my dad was in charged of sending me to school because my mom went on another side. My dad will depart exactly at seven o'clock in the morning after talked to his plants and I shall be inside the car by then or else, he will drove away -- ignoring me who's wearing my shoes in front of the door with toast in my mouth. 

He will left me with a glaring eyes and cold goodbyes. It was enough to make me uneasy for the whole day knowing that I will pay a price when I came back home that evening. Do you think, I get to skipped school? Do you think it ever happened in our household where both of our parents are teachers (to add on the note: my dad is 'cikgu disiplin'). My mom will send me to school and I was lectured all the way to school, but it is a rare event because my mom is not a nagger - really. She was different from any other asean moms. If it was repeatative in regular basis, yes, you will kena then. 

When I was in college. I practise that, no, in fact it was in my blood. I was the first on the bus. I was the first in the class. I was the first arrived at meeting point, and I always the one who wait for my friends for dinner. At universities, I met more people who practise differently. 15 minutes late is normal for them. Making people wait is their part time hobby. They made me wait for hours and I hate wasting my time for people who don't appreciate it. I fed up. So I decided not to wait, anymore. If they want to meet, I'll make sure they had arrived. If they want to go out, I'll make sure they are ready. And eventually, I am becoming them. I started late to classes, meetings, appointments, etc. 

When I started my internship at Mont Kiara, I stayed in Shah Alam. 32 km away, and connected by Federal Highway (the one and only). I SHALL TRAVELLED 32KM EVERY MORNING ON FEDERAL HIGHWAY. I won't make it, if I get out on normal hours. Hence, I hit the road as early as 6.15am. I arrived ay 7am, and had extra two hours before the company operate. Because of that, my boss favor me, professionally. He is a Korean with a wife and two children. They have stayed in Malaysia for nearly 20 years. He told me that there are still lot of skills I need to learn, but he liked it how I manage my time and give me A+++ for that. 

I left the company after I finished my intern. We still contact each other and now running business together. + point for being early, you were taken seriously by other people. 

August 2019, I messed up terribly. I late for every appointments and meetings. I don't feel like meeting people, and the world. I just wanna date my bed. I can locked myself for one week, alone. I demotivated, crushed, messed. However, through this experience, I learn a valuable lesson. The reason behind being an early bird, why is it important and how it can affect your life.

It happened through series of events, but I will tell you one of it; 

1. My business partner, Amway conducted a training in Van Andel Hall, Petaling Jaya. I was registered to the course a week earlier. I received tentative and it was scheduled to start at 8.00pm. Working with partner who also emphasize their ABO to be time discipline, they always start right on the dot. On that day, 7.00pm I still laying on my bed, contemplating whether to go or not. Then I received a group photo from my team. They received selfie lamp as door gift. I want that. (Fact: I easily fascinated by most random & simplest thing). I was so determinant, not to really attend the training buat to get the selfie lamp..it is so cute, you can clip it on your phone. I arrived at 9.06pm and registration counter has been closed. I was asked to just enter the hall. 

I felt so dumbfounded, betrayed. 

Most of the time, we get annoyed and angry because we know it wasn't anyone's else fault but ourselves. That we don't deserve to feel wronged. 

However, I am a goal goer. The next morning, I go to the office looking for person in charge in last night's training. I asked for my doorgift (I paid for my training and I attend it -- even a little late. But I deserve to claim what shall belonged to me) I insisted, and I got it. The perk of being persistent 💪Eventhough I was happy to get what I want, but I realised that I can get it effortlessly if I just attend the training as per scehduled. I didn't need to waste fuel and exert my energy for something that can be done if I just respect the time.

From this occasion, I learn the truest purpose of being early. Better wait than wasted. Starting from that day, I have decided to be an early bird again, even if it means I need to wait people for hours (it rarely happens  now), and looking back, I can benefit a lot if I am early. 

1. I get to choose my seat.

2. I get to park in any box of my choice.

3. I get extra hints for exams

4. I get to prepare myself before company operated.

5. I can read books while waiting 

6. Etc 

I hope you can learn from my mistake. I realise that being late will only make things worst for us. Slowly, it will kill your productivity, because you feel like it's okay. Let's discipline ourselves and be at least 15 mins earlier for every meetings, classes and appointments. Make it our new normal. 

And I feel like, that's the way Allah correct me. You know what you do is wrong, but you ignore that feeling just because you feel like it won't matter as long as you are not troubling anyone else. 

Nutrilite & Network Marketing

The Nutrilite company had been founded in the early 1930s by Mr. Carl Rhen Borg, a biochemist who while studying in China in the 1920s had develop several unique theories on nutrition. 

Mr.Carl started Nutrilite products in 1934 and he began to conceive of a supplement that could be added back into the diet that would bring diet back into balance and would help them strengthen people's nutritional status and thereby help them to prevent disease rather than to cure it. 

It has been 84 years Nutrilite was developed and the first supplement is Double X. It is still exist until today. Just imagine, consuming 84 years old supplement which was improvised and perfected by science. Ongoing research and development by more than 1000 scientiest behind the scene. How impressive!!

So, how does Nutrilite was connected to Amway and how all networking bussiness started? I will continue on later post. But it must be cleared to you now, that Nutrilite itself has been existed way before Amway was established. 

This is why I choose Nutrilite. 

A place where we star.

We wanted to save people but we were drowned.

We wanted to understand people but we were misunderstood.

We wanted to be kind but we were betrayed.

We wanted to accept openness but we were unaccepted.

And in this society, how can we survive?

I blame God, for putting me in this situation,

A situation where I never win.

I blame God, for not letting me win,

I blame God, for making it so difficult for me.

But blaming God won't change anything.

I am still like this.

Losing.

pss//for everyone dream to be placed where they star. 

She.

She was cold.

Her heart stoned.

People say, she is heartless.

But yes, she indeed has lost one.

That's why,

She cannot understand emotions

That's why,

It was never important.

She has grown

Adulthood has turned her to a cold bitch.

That's why,

She always remind.

Not to expect anything.

Not to hope for anything.

Because she has failed to save herself.

How could she save, anyone else?

ofvalidationandselffreedom

You know why we feel that we never good enough?

Because we seek for validation.

We feels like we need to get validated,

In order to feel enough and to feel belong.

When we think validation is what grading us,

Putting us into categories  and labelled us.

It is a pure border that limit our potential.

We might think it is the best think to do,

For grading and validation will help us through

In decision making but, it is not the whole truth.

Untitled

I had this thought.

What if I hold onto you.

What if I never let you go.

What could possibly happen to us now?

But I need to let you go. 

I need to leave you behind.

Because I am not your choice.

I know you have decided.

You tried so hard.

So I wouldn't get hurt.

But both of us know,

There is no other way. 

So, if people says I didn't fight.

They are wrong. 

If people says I didn't tried enough 

They are wrong. 

For I give my very best 

For I fight real fierce

And I love the hardest 

And if the path written 

is not directed to you, 

Then they will be another love story, for me.

For us all. 

That Woman

How much more shall I gaze to you alone? 

If I continue loving you like this, will you love me?

When I take a step closer, you took two step away.

What should I do then? 

Should I really listen to you and give up?

Should I listen to you and stop loving you?

You think I am that fool of not trying?

I did. But you still in my mind. 

Standing next to me.

The Little Mermaid

Unlike Arel's, Little Mermaid doesn't live happily ever after with the prince. The prince is married to a woman who he thought, was saving him from drowning. Little Mermaid couldn't tell him the truth because she had changed her voice for a pair of leg. If she couldn't make the prince fall in love with her, she must kill the prince to stay alive. Long story short, Little Mermaid could not kill the prince because she loves the prince. And so, she turns to bubbles. 

A sad ending. It really is. 

The saddest part is, she sacrificed herself for someone who does not even know her sacrifice. For someone who barely know her. For someone who do not even notice her absent. And the pain she beared, are all for nothing. She disappears, like bubbles. Bubbles, that is all what she means -- to the prince. 

You came. Bothering me, all the way you can. Because you find me strange. Because you never see my kind in your world. The fairytale you live in, is a place too far, for me to reach. Hence you propose to me, to be your "Little Mermaid". You want me to answer your curiosity. And after you are done with me, you need me to disappear. Because you know, both of us will never make a perfect fit. 

Are you a fool? How stupid a person can be? Will there any woman begins any relationship she knows will end? "Not every relationship ends with marriage!" You said. So what, you want to play with my heart and marry someone else? You love me too much but you cannot picture a future with me? Is it?

Now answer me. Little Mermaid, is that all I can be?

The Path to Love

I may hurt you. 

Over and over again.

Some to save me.

Some to save you.

Some to save us.

Some to save others.

You may hurt me.

For the same reason. 

And yet, 

I have this fantastic hope,

that we will keep loving 

each other again. 

I know, I will hurt you somehow.

Even if I said, it was unintentional. 

Because when you said, I hurt you.

Then that's it. 

No excuse can defend me 

from the fact that I am hurting you.

But as cliche it may seem, trust me, 

I love you still, even more, even deeper.

Should I write poems or stories? I wonder, and because I haven't decided it yet, I cannot move on. I didn't start to write either poems or stories. And I guess that how we have been living our life. We questions why we stuck at a place we are uncomfortable to be with. We see a clear vision of our goals but we cannot just make a step towards it, and why it is so? 

Perhaps, we are hesitating. Perhaps, we haven't decided what should we focus in. And that's exactly why we are stuck like a nail onto the wall. We feels the odd of being alone in such a big wall. Hmmp, hhaha, I actually contemplating to use hmmmp or humph to show the sign of a sigh. If I cannot make a small decision like that, how can I handle big one? I hate myself for that. For thinking too much, for being too scared of trying. What's the worst thing can happen if I just try it out? 

We are not deciding, contemplating and hesitating and yet we want our independence for our heart is longing for a freedom. But nothing can be done, if we stuck. So, I found out that we actually need to free ourselves first, form our own mind. Saying it is a piece of cake, doing it is another level of courage and bravery. Where can I buy it from? The bad news is -- we can't buy them anywhere. 

The good news is, we know now that we are stuck. What we can do now, is to find the reason. Family, friends -- these two won't be away from our list(s) of reason(s). They are, to be truth the hardest reason that we want to admit for having. However, we stuck again, for we don't know which part of them that hold onto us. 

Takut

Takut.
Takut apa orang kata.
Takut apa orang fikir.
Takut dengan segala imaginasi,
yang hanya bermain dalam kepala.

Lantak.
Lantaklah apa orang nak kata.
Lantaklah apa orang nak fikir.
Sakit perit kita bukan dia yang rasa.

At least,
Itu yang aku cuba rasionalkan.
Supaya hati terpujuk.

But no --
I do care.

Dan jujurnya masih fikir.
How unjust can world be to me.
How can the whole globe go against me?

But no --
Aku yang against dunia.
Bukan dunia yang against aku.

Bila aku terlalu melihat pada
apa yang aku tiada berbanding ada.
Bila aku terlalu mahu pada
apa yang aku tak perlu.

Maka mulalah.
Serabut dalam jiwa.
Triggered.
Yang lama2, makan diri sebenarnya.

Promosi Glister

Bismillah

Assalammualaikum and hi earthlings, okay, today nak share fasal ubat gigi glister ni. Since kecil aku memang pakai brand X with no reason at all. Mungkin sebab lahir2 je, mak ayah memang dah pakai brand X, balik kampung pun, atok nenek pakai brand X juga. To the extent yang aku tak pernah persoalkan pun, kenapa eh kita guna brand X. Pernah tak anda pun rasa benda yang saya? Setiap bulan, kita pergi kedai, for the sake of nak beli ubat gigi, yang secara automatik kita dah register dalam kepala kita untuk beli tanpa, syarikat tu bersusah payah nak paksa kita beli brand dia. 

Tapi, itu sebab kita tak ada pilihan lain. Kita membesar dengan itu, but now when we have another option, the question is, are we brave enough for the change? 

Aku pakai glister ni, pertama kali masa masuk degree. Beli dengan makcik aku, dengan harga RM27+ if I am not mistaken. The bad news is, habislah duit aku RM27 semata untuk ubat gigi je kan. Siapalah yang gila sangat spend sampai RM30 untuk ubat gigi. Tapi, the good news is, aku guna satu tube ubat gigi tu for one whole year. Dua semester aku pakai ubat gigi dari tube yang sama. Ha, jangan kata aku tak gosok gigi eh, aku tembak kang. Hhaha. It's true. Aku pun impress sangat. Jimat gila, sebab texture dia pekat dan hanya pakai sikit sahaja macam biji saga. Tak payah macam over nak pakai sari hujung berus ke hujung berus macam dalam iklan TV tu. 

Tapi disebabkan aku dengan makcik aku jauh, bila dah habis, aku end up beli je la brand X dekat pasar raya macam biasa. But to be honest, I don't feel the different, sebab waktu tu memang gigi aku tengah sihat kan. Aku pakai yang pemutih tu, yang ada arang. Dua tiga tahun ni kan, brand X banyak betuk keluarkan ubat gigi baru. Bermacam jenis ada, dan setiap bulan juga aku tukar yang lainnya. Lama2 aku perasan, gigi aku dah cepat ngilu. Aku tak boleh nak siat tebu guna gigi macam aku selalu buat dulu. Dan setiap kali aku gosok gigi, gigi aku akan berdarah. 

Rejection is beautiful: yes darling!

Rejection is beautiful. 

From it you learn patience.

Towards it you learn courage. 

And in the process, it hurts. 

It hurts because we don't understand. 

We thought we could be un-rejected.

Even when the verdict is crystal clear.

So we keep being, whoever we don't want to be.

Untitled

Aku pinjam keyakinan para mentor, aku genggam erat segala mimpi dan impian. Jangan lepaskan. "Never let people take your pen and overwrite your story". Sentiasa pegang tu dalam kepala. When they know not the whole story, ramai yang mengatakan aku "gila" atau mungkin taksub dengan apa yang aku lakukan sekarang. Berhenti kerja for the sake of running a business, yang kata orang "tak nampak mana arah tujunya". Nope, you just not see it yet. 

Tak kurang yang mempersoalkan "kenapa kau berhenti kerja? kau dah la best student. then, kau buat apa sekarang?" Knowing me, aku jenis yang plan ahead. Aku jenis picture my life not only ten years ahead but 50 years ahead. People know me as a thinker, a planner -- I don't really jump into something without proper & deep thought. Lagipun, aku masih muda, dan aku tak akan memperjudikan masa muda aku untuk perkara yang sia-sia. 

Dan aku nampak itu dalam Amway. Itu yang Amway tawarkan kepada aku. Healthy lifestyle (financial freedom + time freedom). And why am I not giving myself a chance to work real hard for these two to three year, in order for me to enjoy a fruitful results after? No. Ini bukan skim cepat kaya. Sebab tu aku percaya pada Amway. Sebab dia bukan perniagaan yang kau kena labur ribu2, esok kutip wang kau dua tiga kali ganda. Tidak, Amway bukan business sampah seperti itu. 

I believe in working hard, dan itu apa yang Amway ajar. Kau nak apa-apa pun, kau kena work hard. Kau kena ada usaha. Mana2 perniagaan pun, nak mula memang ada modal. Bezanya, modal permulaan Amway sangatlah murah jika dibandinglkan kita nak melabur modal untuk buat R&D product, packaging, open store dan sebagainya. Dengan hanya RM90, kita menjadi partner kepada Amway yang telah pun berusia enam puluh tahun!! Kalau Amway tiada strong foundation, they cannot stay this long, sebab tu aku percaya pada Amway. 

Dengan sembilan puluh ringgit itu juga, kita dah ada stores hampir 80 buah negara. Pergi shopping di kedai Amway, ibarat shopping di kedai sendiri. Every cents you spend will eventually goes back to your account and the best thing about Amway is that, ia sangatlah meaningful untuk dibuat bersama-sama. We build the business together. Jadikan ini business keluarga. Jadikan ini business bersama dengan rakan baik kita. 

Sempena fisikal year 2020 yang baru bermula, aku memasang impian dan harapan yang besar untuk fight 'goal' kita next year to #gosydney2020 

Peliknya manusia, kita sentiasa berdoa kepada Allah supaya dimurahkan rezeki, supaya diberikan rezeki yang tak putus2, supaya dikurniakan rezeki yang tak disangka-sangka, tapi bila Allah dah datangkan cara, kita pula yang memilih. "eh tak nak yang ni Ya Allah. tak nak" 

Jadi, say "YES" to the offer, even when you don't know you can do it or not. Bagi peluang dekat diri sendiri to receive what you deserve. 

InshaAllah, of hard works and prayers, semuanya akan terbalas. 

ofconfusionandsabr

Bismillah.

Belajar untuk sabar.
When there is no response.
When there is no answer.
When you literally had no idea
of what is happening on the other side of the world.

Learn not to be upset.
Learn not to feel disappointed.
Learn not to discourage.
Learn not to --

At least that's what I wanna tell myself.
For that is how I want to feel comforted.

Because it was so hard here.
It was so hard to even breath.
It was so hard to wake up on another day,
and knowing that there is no such progress
that you are doing.

At least that is how I tried to persuade myself.

So let us start with something very common to happen in life. How to handle rejection, letting go and moving on. And this is not applied to such romantic feelings only, because it happens in most of relationship -- between friends, siblings, family, career and every single thing that happenning in our life. How to purely letting go of it?

We are human 

Ofhabitsandhobby

Bismillah. I have loved writing since I was a kid. Banyak kali dah aku repeat this statement. Tak tahu kenapa macam perlu sangat buat desclaimer yang bukan sekarang je yang aku suka menulis. Menulis, membaca dan bercakap bergerak seiring dalam kes aku. Sebab tu, panjang tulisan aku macam panjangnya bebelan aku. Those who knows me can relate well kot.

moh le tengok muka happy den recovering from breakout

Dulu aku gunakan medium seperti blogger dan facebook je. Aku ada instagram, twitter dan tumblr pun masa dah masuk college. Still actively writing about life or most of the time about random feelings after watching dramas and movies. But after a while, aku macam a little bit slow in writing. Sebab rasa macam, who's gonna listen? Even if aku try regularly update blog, tapi aku masih struggle to the point yang aku betul2 rasa kena perah my brain for an idea. Kalau tak, dulu idea flow macam air terjun je.

Vocab jangan cakaplah. Boleh rasa vocab tu tak berkembang sebab sekadar baca tapi tak guna. So tak lekat. That's why sekarang ni aku cuba mula semula. I am getting that part of my old self back. Yang jenis jujur dalam penulisannya. Dan aku mula berfikir, yang aku ni sebenarnya menulis untuk diri sendiri. Untuk setiap rasa yang tak mampu diluah dengan kata. Aku convert jadi perkataan. Moga dengan wording, aku tetap dapat rasa seperti aku menyampaikan ia.

And I was so fall in love dengan poems. Dulu selalu sangat hantar poems dekat NST. Untuk setiap poem, dia bagi RM20. Banyak juga aku hantar. Rajin. Poems aku biasa buat in english. BM pun ada juga. Tapi sejak slot school times dah tak ada. Aku dah tak hantarlah. Hmm.

Tapi alhamdulillah, sekarang aku nak mula
semula. Doakan aku istiqamah ya. Sebab menulis ni is like terapi bagi aku. Dan moga nukilan ini mampu membantu aku, andai kata satu hari nanti, aku lupa tentang semua rasa yang pernah mendiami hati aku. Dan moga esok2, aku tengok kembali pada hari ini, takut2 aku lupa pada impian yang aku pernah aku tanam dan percaya. Sempena raya korban ini, aku ikhlaskan segalanya dan aku akan belajar untuk mensyukuri setiap sesuatu ❤ 

of many people I cross path to

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful

I know his name. A brief of his story and the whole mysterious stories is still unknown to me. He is quite a big name in business that I currently grow. I am pretty sure that he doesn't know me. Too many people follows him already and he won't recognize me at all. I know that fact. 

Knowing that fact, it is so weird that we suddenly had each other's number and he didn't alert me when he came to my house to meet my parents to propose me. 

However, my parents reject the proposal. He was turned down but we had mutual feeling. My mom told me that I am not allowed to marry him. Knowing that, I feel sad, but I din't contact him at all. 

The next day, when we met each other on the event, our eyes met but we both pretend like nothing happened. I suddenly received a notification, he whatsapp me. 

He was being sulky because I didn't comfort him after the rejection (how am I supposed to, we barely talk to each other). Then I tell him what I truly feels and he suddenly said "I'll wait for you". 

And I ask "promise?", "promise" he said. 

I don't know it can be so comforting knowing that whatever happened, there is always someone who keep waiting for you. Someone you can rely on, someone you can build a family with. 

~~ alarm clock ringing ~~

I woke up how can a dream feels so real when in reality it is surreal?

I do know that man in real life. but just as my dream, he doesn't know me because he is a big name in a business I just started to build. We met few times but he never recognize me, and we don't have that kind of feelings. Nope, I don't have that romantic feelings towards him. I adore him as a sifu in the business, nothing more. I will definitely look at him with different way after this -- erghhh. I hate my heart for moment like this. It's funny but terrifying.

"Ya Allah, genggam rinduku saat aku terlalu merindukan kehadiran dia. 

Ya Allah, sabarkan aku tatkala aku terlalu menginginkan dia. 

Ya Allah, tenangkan aku saat aku tak mengerti cerita yang kau tuliskan untuk aku dan dia"

"O Allah, your humble servant beg for your guidance" 

Sunday Class

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful

For an introduction, I would like to inform all of you that we have been organizing two hours class to share some knowledge about products and business stuff, so you are being mentored by those who have succeed in this business. I firstly join, not because of the business, but because I need an escape where it can brings and give me positive energy, and thankfully, I found it here. 

Class will be on every Sunday (9.30am - 11.30am), suitable for all age range. Many comes with families. This class was divided into three to four section. 

1. Nutrilite (Vitamins & Supplements) - 30 mins 

2. Cooking/Demo - 60 mins

3. Sharing - 15 mins

4. Marketing Plan - 15 mins

I will surely share the contents in each section later on.

This class is open to all, the more you invite to spread the news is the better. Two hours for earn some knowledge will never hurt you and will always return back to your favor. I know many want to stay and spend their Sunday at home, but believe me that it worth your two hours. 

I firstly join in January 2019. I have been so consistent attending the class without failed. The only reason why I go, is because I need to know what is inside the food I am eating. I learned that nowadays, due to the need, we could no longer avoids eating "poisoning food". Fast food, food coloring, we are taking it at high percentage. However, there is solution to counter the result caused by this behavior. We will learn more and share more.

N E X T  T O G E T H E R