"If misfortune befalls you, a similar misfortune has befallen other people as well", all this time I thought I was alone. I was fat, dark and short (and still am). When she is belittled because her skin, I was belittled for being accused of having feelings towards a boy who I merely thought as a good friend because our parents knew each other.
I knew him since we were seven. I knew he liked a girl from another class when we were nine. When I was ten, I am once his post man, sending those hand written love letters and I am happy for them. That girl was kind, what is the reason of not letting them to like each other? and when we were eleven, out of nowhere, in laboratory during science subject, I was being rejected in front of my classmate even though I am not making any confession.
It was too fast and sudden that I am not able to defend myself. It was already embarrassing, I thought it would stop there but it wasn't. I was mocked and was labelled "tak sedar diri", there were rumors saying I like every single boy who talked to me. So
they thought I am such "kuat perasan" kind of girl. I remember when the boys distancing themselves. Yesterday he's a friend and next day, he's ignoring my voice.
I remember the exact feeling they give, how could I forget when it comes to me and bugging me. It is my nightmare and until today, I will sometimes dream about that in my sleep and waking up sweating for holding in my anger. That's why, it isn't a past for me, because sometimes the dreams feel so real, that they are in front of me, and I wanted them to pay every single things they had done to me.
The struggle is real and unlike the girl posted the story, I wasn't able to keep it up. I have stopped listening to what people says about me. I believe it's time for me to make my voice heard. I have get used eating alone. I have get used walking alone and I have get used to do everything by my own, hence not having friends when I was thirteen is just fine.
And while I am alone, I am building up my defense system. I talked harshly to boys and not talking to them when not necessary. I know I only gain more haters than friends by being like what I am decided to be, but I think, what is wrong to gain a little bit more haters when you already had many. Since that day, I only did things which seems right to me. The only voice I listen to is my own. The one and only person in this world who I can trust, is me.
I am right when I am right and I am right when I am wrong. I am on my way of being perfectionist that I believe no single mistakes can happened if it wasn't us who choose to be wronged. I regain my confidence. Even when I was fat, dark and short, I can proudly stand in front of the crowd and give command. I am undefeated with words, be it students or teachers, when I think it wasn't right, it wasn't.
I was cold-hearted, egoist, selfish, arrogant, impolite, hard-headed, insensible, lack of common sense and ill tempered. Trigger me once, you will feel the hotness of my fire. I was rarely smile. I make people paid their mistakes but my heart is not yet satisfied, hence I getting harder and harder to people because I believe, if I am being soft, they will belittle me -- again.
When I was fourteen, I made three friends. They are people who involved in the plot of ignoring me when I was eleven and twelve. Even if they didn't plan it, but they joined the force. They didn't help, but I don't know why, I was opened up to make them my friends and be their friends. However, I do love them, sincerely and genuinely.
But a me being me. Never did I know, the symptoms that I showed is actually a sign of individual with rebellious disease. Rebellious is indeed a disease. I never know that during five years of battle in rescuing my twelve-years-old soul, I am actually losing myself. Never did I know that this battle I am fighting is not my fighting alone. My family fight to have me back. My family fight to retrieve my pure soul which is innocent and beautiful.
I am changing and I didn't know. I hurt my parents and I didn't know. When I was being harsh with friends and outsider, never did I realize that I am being harsh with my siblings. When I was disrespecting a teacher, never did I realize that I am started disrespect my mother and when I hate those who plot the game, never did I know, that I am hating myself more.
I was thirteen when I found out about the one who plotting the entire game. She had a fight with her bestfriend and one day during school holiday, her friend came to my house and told everything to me. I never asked why she told me all these but I never thanked her either for telling me. After she had a fight, I don't know how, but some of my classmate when I was twelve came and seek for my forgiveness, because they hate me, just because everyone hate me. And everytime, I am not responding to such sorry(s). I smiled and walked away.
They were sorry because they told me that they are just a child and they are not able to make a wise decision, but did they didn't know or pretending of not knowing that when they did all that to me, I too, was a child, and I too - just a twelve years old soul. We were both kids when you guys being harsh and I am being harsh-ed.
When I was seventeen, my friends leave me. They make me feel exactly what they did to me when I was eleven and twelve. That is why, I believe no one but myself, because some people just never change. They makes me undergo that dreadful feeling twice and making it worst. I was not mad when I knew this, but I was speechless.
I was numb to it that I was speechless. I was speechless to the reason they were leaving me. They were leaving me because I was egoistic, selfish, arrogant, ill tempered and fat. I can accept everything except for being fat. I was not laughing even I found it funny, but I wasn't cry either when I found it to be sad.
I walked away.
Somehow, my friends and I found our way back together. Of course it will never be like before, but surely it was for the sake of a friendship, because there are some genuine soul who still wanted us to be friend. So, be it. After all, I have started to love them as family and family members do hurt each other, but they always get back, don't they? but a broken glass wouldn't be the same anymore, and that is just how our friendship is.
When I was far from family, I learn to find myself. This time silently. I started by taming my ill tampered and bluntness. I stop being sarcastic and only being straight forward. Some still not liking me for being too straight forward but me being me.
Boys? I still didn't make any boy friends. Since I was thirteen, if not necessary, I will not talked to a boy (because I do not want make them think that I like them). I did not it to be re-occurring. Hence, when I entered college I've get used to it - not talking to boys and always even I did, I spoke very harshly with fierce tone.
But Allah had planned the journey beautifully.
Somehow, today, I had many boy friends that girl friends. I spend out my times with more boy friends (of course with two loyal girl friend of mine). We create memories and they are the people who look at people with their hearts. They are the one who appreciate friendship for what a friend is, and not for what they want their friends to become.
They are a true gentlemen.
And sometimes, a true gentlemen wasn't meant to be our knight, but it was just enough by being friend. Enough to know that true gentlemen, exist.
But I wonder, what is so wrong if someone like you? It was their absolute right to have that feelings and you have the absolute right to not feel the same way, but it is necessary to belittle someone's feelings? or is it because she is not pretty? and why - just because the one who likes you is not pretty and hot, are they deserved to be punished for their feeling? Are they deserved to be laughed at? Are they deserved to be toyed? Are they deserved to be mocked for having sincere and genuine feeling? What would you feel, if it was your daughter suffering?
p/s: I've a lot to discuss upon this matter, but it will be super extra-long post. Perhaps we can set a meet up if you wanna me to tell you more about this. Have a good day everyone, do not forget to be kind!