When he's someone's else

Sesetengah dari kita lebih selesa berkawan dengan lelaki berbanding perempuan, kerana bagi kita berkawan dengan lelaki ini mudah. Cara mereke berfikir itu mudah, tak serabut dan tentunya kurang drama jika dibandingkan dengan kawan-kawan gegirl kita. But, never did we know, lelaki ni pun sama je tahap complicatednya. Sepertimana lelaki rasa perempuan tu complicated, macam itu jugalah pandangan perempuan terhadap lelaki, sebab apa? sebab kita tak sama.

Tapi bukan soal complicated atau tidak yang kita nak cakap hari ni, tapi soal macam mana harus kita bataskan persahabatan kita antara lelaki dan perempuan.

Batas-batas asas yang paling perlu dijaga tu tentulah semua dah tahu. No matter how close you are to that person, batas-batas asas yang berlandaskan syariat Islam, perlu dijaga -- strictly. Tapi yang kita nak cakap hari ni ialah, bila kawan lelaki kita tu dah berpunya. Tak kiralah dah kahwin ke, baru tunang ke, atau baru berkenalan ke atau baru declare and confessed their feelings to each other -- the things which we need to do is distance ourselves.

Sebab apa? sebab nanti bila kita pula yang berpasangan, bila nanti kita pula yang dah berumah tangga, kita pun mesti nak kawan perempuan suami kita faham, yang from today onward, aku ni kawan dia. From today onward, aku kawan baik dia yang paling halal untuk dia. Dan hari itu akan tiba, bila mana kita harap kawan perempuan suami kita jarakkan diri dan bagi ruang untuk kita dan suami kita. Takkan kita nak biar suami kita ada kawan baik perempuan kan?

and if we never want it to happen towards us, we must first not to do it towards others. Jadi no matter how much we claimed it was all just friendship, jangan tipu diri sendiri. We all knows it could take us somewhere else. Jadi jangan mula bermain dengan api yang sudahnya nanti akan rentungkan diri. Semoga kita sama-sama dilindungi dan dikasihi Allah. 

When I do my math wrong

I am so freaking out about me finishing my internship end of this June, 

so I've always make a count down to relieve my anxiety,

its telling me that it's gonna end soon and things will end eventually.

However, I am bad at math and skip day 70 to 89,

hence my count is totally wrong from the start.

Today, on my calendar, I mark 117 days left,

but the actual number is 108 days left.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!! Haha

Anyway, it makes me smile this morning, 

looking the number narrowing down,

and yeah, I am happy.

Full House Farm

I have the idea when I was eighteen, 

and the idea becomes clearer as I get older.

FULL HOUSE FARM

I love to eat grilled lamb.

This is all because I watched this one movie chef.

Very often, my friends and I went to grilled + steamboat restaurant,

just to eat free flow grilled lamb.

I wanted to eat lamb everyday, 

but the its quite expensive and pricey, 

hence, I am thinking of having them at my backyard, 

so I can have it anytime I want.

but there is so much more can be done,

I am looking at the opportunities 

if this idea isn't just on the canvas.

FHF will be divided into villages.

1. OMMA VILLAGE - Omma Village is the first village you will see after you pass the entrance, but it is most suitable to visit as the last stop when you touring in FHF. In Omma Village, there is where our restaurant located, called Omma's Kitchen and also Omma's Groceries. 

Omma's Kitchen - we have variety of high quality meat that you can choose and our chef will serve you the fresh meat right in front of your eyes. Enjoy the delight!

Omma's Groceries - the vegetables in the groceries are all organics. The vegetables are planted at Baby's Village. The main items sold in the groceries is all from FHF itself. We didn't sold our product outside. Customer can get organic food with cheaper price with us in FHF.

2. ABEOJI VILLAGE - Abeoji Village is symbolizing fatherly figure who act as the head of the family and organize the needs of a family. This is where our main production occur. We have one big building with spacious space inside. The size of the building is two football field. It is where the goat being slaughtered and where the processing of meat occurs.

The quality control office is located at the second floor with transparent glasses, so they can keep checking on our quality. The building is separated into two section, one to process the meat, and the other one is to process the milk.

3. NOONA VILLAGE - This is where the goat from different type of species stayed. We have around more than twenty species, and they are living in big space. They are free to mingle around. The size of the field is four foothball field. You can touch the goats and feed them. 

4. DEE VILLAGE - is the smallest area in the farm, because it is where we have small chalet. We have ten of it, where family can rest if there are taking a trip, because the chalet get one big pool and also facing waterfall. We make it small, so the customers could have privacy and conducive holiday. The chalet always full, so it is advisable if you could reserved before coming.

Camping site (in construction)

Facilities; 

ATV

Flying Fox

Jungle Trekking

5. PREDO VILLAGE (equestrian + archery)

6. COSTA VILLAGE (fruit farm)

7. BABY VILLAGE (vegetable farm)

What I wanted to be

Since I was a kid, I really wanted to be a lawyer.

Not because I really understood what justice is but because 

I love the struggle and determination of a lawyer to win the case. 

I don't really see the impact of defending wrong person at that time, 

I just young and foolish [at that time]

When I grow up with those korean-legal-drama, 

I understood what justice is, 

and I know being a lawyer is not as easy. 

I know that you must put everything on the line to serve the people, 

the good one, the one who been jeopardized, the one who was sacrificed 

to cover up someone's else crimes, 

and I know, I must put everything on the line including my life 

to uphold justice for a better Malaysia.

and that's what I gonna do. 

but it's all about what has fated for us. 

I wasn't go to law school. [which yes, I am regretting it]

if and only if I persuade my mother a little bit more, I could just get in,

I could just be a lawyer.

But that was five years ago and nothing I do now could change it.

I am now a bachelor in maritime operation .
I cannot undo the decision, neither did I want to spend more time
taking another degree in law.
Because it's now time for me to contribute back to my family.
I will need to work and earn money too.

I know I have time limit,
and this is not like playing chess in computer where you can undo your step,
I need to move on, perhaps, this is the path that Allah wants for me,
that's why He allow this to happen.

InsyaAllah

of family and career

When I was eighteen, I thought being twenty five is good. By that time, I will own car, house, and money to travel anywhere. I imagine living in a mansion with all branded shoes, cloths and handbags hang in the wardrobe. Complete cooking utensil that I can use to cook for myself. Giant screen for me to watch movies in my own home theater. A line of imported cars, audi, range rover and buggati. Also, I had one small pretty mansion at New Zealand behind the mountain, just to look at the scenery and watched my goats playing police and thief.

It was all in my imagination. 

Now that I am twenty three, things are getting real. I know that a mansion wasn't cost hundred thousands but millions. I know that branded shoes, cloths and handbags can cost five months and more of my allowance/salary. I know that the cost of maintaining imported car is not as affordable as I maintaining my SAGA FLX (I love you momo ?<3) and having another house in foreign country behind a mountain is so ambitious (so like me). 

I know it was all possible if we work really hard for turn our dreams into reality. I furthering my studies at Johor and Lumut, Perak for my diploma and degree respectively. When I was in Johor, I will come back twice per month, and the spirit is still rage in me. When I was in Lumut, I am six hours away from home and I don't know why, I have started to feel bothered by the distance. 

Now that I am in KL, working as an intern. Renting a room, staying far from family and friends, make me thinks about my career in the future. I know that I will need to stay where I can find suitable work within my major and mostly the office is based in KL and Selangor, but city is not my place. I just wanted to stay near my parents, working in Melaka and come back from office to look for their faces. 

Maybe because I've started to realize that they are not so young anymore. The wrinkles appear, their body often aches, their leg is not that strong. And yes, I am afraid, that I'll be losing them in the process of catching my dream. I would like to live up my dream, but with them around me. 

#emotionaldaughter

She who thinks otherwise

She always sending secret messages for him publicly. Messages that she knows will never be able to reach him. Messages that she knows will never understood by him. She wrote about him in her poems, in her words when she spoke, in the caption of every picture and in every pictures taken. 

Today, the boy is uploading a screenshot-ed lyric and the 'i want to thank you' was bold in white. She knows that it wasn't meant for her, that it wasn't conveyed to her and is wasn't directed to her. However, she refuse to listen. She insist, that the message this time, would be for her, because she deserve a thank you.

She deserve a thank you for loving him so much and get nothing in return. She is okay with that for it was what she expecting from the start. She deserve a thank you for giving so much love and accepting the fact that she could not be loved back. She deserve a thank you for understand that it was his right of not choosing her. She deserve a thank you for letting him go. 

And all she wanted to reply is 'welcome'. Welcome for coming to her life and now, please live happily, please love unconditionally.

because all that she ever wanted for him, is happiness.

You're stronger

"If misfortune befalls you, a similar misfortune has befallen other people as well", all this time I thought I was alone. I was fat, dark and short (and still am). When she is belittled because her skin, I was belittled for being accused of having feelings towards a boy who I merely thought as a good friend because our parents knew each other. 

I knew him since we were seven. I knew he liked a girl from another class when we were nine. When I was ten, I am once his post man, sending those hand written love letters and I am happy for them. That girl was kind, what is the reason of not letting them to like each other? and when we were eleven, out of nowhere, in laboratory during science subject, I was being rejected in front of my classmate even though I am not making any confession.

It was too fast and sudden that I am not able to defend myself. It was already embarrassing, I thought it would stop there but it wasn't. I was mocked and was labelled "tak sedar diri", there were rumors saying I like every single boy who talked to me. So
they thought I am such "kuat perasan" kind of girl. I remember when the boys distancing themselves. Yesterday he's a friend and next day, he's ignoring my voice.

I remember the exact feeling they give, how could I forget when it comes to me and bugging me. It is my nightmare and until today, I will sometimes dream about that in my sleep and waking up sweating for holding in my anger. That's why, it isn't a past for me, because sometimes the dreams feel so real, that they are in front of me, and I wanted them to pay every single things they had done to me.

The struggle is real and unlike the girl posted the story, I wasn't able to keep it up. I have stopped listening to what people says about me. I believe it's time for me to make my voice heard. I have get used eating alone. I have get used walking alone and I have get used to do everything by my own, hence not having friends when I was thirteen is just fine.

And while I am alone, I am building up my defense system. I talked harshly to boys and not talking to them when not necessary. I know I only gain more haters than friends by being like what I am decided to be, but I think, what is wrong to gain a little bit more haters when you already had many. Since that day, I only did things which seems right to me. The only voice I listen to is my own. The one and only person in this world who I can trust, is me.

I am right when I am right and I am right when I am wrong. I am on my way of being perfectionist that I believe no single mistakes can happened if it wasn't us who choose to be wronged. I regain my confidence. Even when I was fat, dark and short, I can proudly stand in front of the crowd and give command. I am undefeated with words, be it students or teachers, when I think it wasn't right, it wasn't.

I was cold-hearted, egoist, selfish, arrogant, impolite, hard-headed, insensible, lack of common sense and ill tempered. Trigger me once, you will feel the hotness of my fire. I was rarely smile. I make people paid their mistakes but my heart is not yet satisfied, hence I getting harder and harder to people because I believe, if I am being soft, they will belittle me -- again.

When I was fourteen, I made three friends. They are people who involved in the plot of ignoring me when I was eleven and twelve. Even if they didn't plan it, but they joined the force. They didn't help, but I don't know why, I was opened up to make them my friends and be their friends. However, I do love them, sincerely and genuinely.

But a me being me. Never did I know, the symptoms that I showed is actually a sign of individual with rebellious disease. Rebellious is indeed a disease. I never know that during five years of battle in rescuing my twelve-years-old soul, I am actually losing myself. Never did I know that this battle I am fighting is not my fighting alone. My family fight to have me back. My family fight to retrieve my pure soul which is innocent and beautiful.

I am changing and I didn't know. I hurt my parents and I didn't know. When I was being harsh with friends and outsider, never did I realize that I am being harsh with my siblings. When I was disrespecting a teacher, never did I realize that I am started disrespect my mother and when I hate those who plot the game, never did I know, that I am hating myself more.

I was thirteen when I found out about the one who plotting the entire game. She had a fight with her bestfriend and one day during school holiday, her friend came to my house and told everything to me. I never asked why she told me all these but I never thanked her either for telling me. After she had a fight, I don't know how, but some of my classmate when I was twelve came and seek for my forgiveness, because they hate me, just because everyone hate me. And everytime, I am not responding to such sorry(s). I smiled and walked away.

They were sorry because they told me that they are just a child and they are not able to make a wise decision, but did they didn't know or pretending of not knowing that when they did all that to me, I too, was a child, and I too - just a twelve years old soul. We were both kids when you guys being harsh and I am being harsh-ed.

When I was seventeen, my friends leave me. They make me feel exactly what they did to me when I was eleven and twelve. That is why, I believe no one but myself, because some people just never change. They makes me undergo that dreadful feeling twice and making it worst. I was not mad when I knew this, but I was speechless.

I was numb to it that I was speechless. I was speechless to the reason they were leaving me. They were leaving me because I was egoistic, selfish, arrogant, ill tempered and fat. I can accept everything except for being fat. I was not laughing even I found it funny, but I wasn't cry either when I found it to be sad.

I walked away.

Somehow, my friends and I found our way back together. Of course it will never be like before, but surely it was for the sake of a friendship, because there are some genuine soul who still wanted us to be friend. So, be it. After all, I have started to love them as family and family members do hurt each other, but they always get back, don't they? but a broken glass wouldn't be the same anymore, and that is just how our friendship is.

When I was far from family, I learn to find myself. This time silently. I started by taming my ill tampered and bluntness. I stop being sarcastic and only being straight forward. Some still not liking me for being too straight forward but me being me.

Boys? I still didn't make any boy friends. Since I was thirteen, if not necessary, I will not talked to a boy (because I do not want make them think that I like them). I did not it to be re-occurring. Hence, when I entered college I've get used to it - not talking to boys and always even I did, I spoke very harshly with fierce tone.

But Allah had planned the journey beautifully.

Somehow, today, I had many boy friends that girl friends. I spend out my times with more boy friends (of course with two loyal girl friend of mine). We create memories and they are the people who look at people with their hearts. They are the one who appreciate friendship for what a friend is, and not for what they want their friends to become.

They are a true gentlemen.

And sometimes, a true gentlemen wasn't meant to be our knight, but it was just enough by being friend. Enough to know that true gentlemen, exist.

But I wonder, what is so wrong if someone like you? It was their absolute right to have that feelings and you have the absolute right to not feel the same way, but it is necessary to belittle someone's feelings? or is it because she is not pretty? and why - just because the one who likes you is not pretty and hot, are they deserved to be punished for their feeling? Are they deserved to be laughed at? Are they deserved to be toyed? Are they deserved to be mocked for having sincere and genuine feeling? What would you feel, if it was your daughter suffering?

p/s: I've a lot to discuss upon this matter, but it will be super extra-long post. Perhaps we can set a meet up if you wanna me to tell you more about this. Have a good day everyone, do not forget to be kind!

of misfortune and blessing

We never truly knows what tomorrow will unfold,
so, for every misfortune that befalls us,
don't be so quick to judge,
can be, that misfortune is a blessing for us.

Try to not only think positively,
but also try to look at our life in positive way,
regardless what happened in life.

When something bad befalls me,
I'll always refrain myself from saying "malangnya nasib aku"
because I afraid that Allah will angry at me
for not receiving the test that perhaps
He gave me is to give another blessing for me.

and I never want to be an ungrateful servant

of lying and being honest

I was scrolling down twitter timeline when I came across this one tweet. She is my high school friend, one of my bestie tho. She said how can a person say she's honest when she lies?. This made me ponder for a while - are we really not a honest person just because of one lie, 

or is there any person who can come clean and tell me that they never lied (even once) in their life?

and is it only took one lies to actually determine whether or not that person is honest?

I'm just coming to think about this deeper, not having intention of saying anyone wrong in this matter. My friend have an absolute reason for feeling what she feels and for thinking what she thinks. Maybe that girl has caused a terrible mistake towards my friend and my friend just had enough of the drama. She's not the type of cari pasal tho!

but that is it, I am asking you and me -- are we being justified because of our lies? if yes, how many of us can make it out, of being, a honest person?

I wonder

May Allah bless you :)

I wanted it to be special but I do not want to make you feel uncomfortable.

But I do hope the very best for you. I hope Allah bless you with happiness you ever deserve, send you a person you have longing and grant you all your wishes.

I am glad, that I met you and even I may not be in your next chapters, I hope the chapter I am in, is the blissful one for you.

I am happy for you and happy birthday. I am grateful that you are being born.

The boy who never understand

I don't get it why when some people in love, 

they couldn't be themselves.

Like they are not being their usual self.

Those crazy, upside down side.

because when I am with you,

I eagerly wanted to show you myself,

I wanted to show you how crazy I am,

how different I am

and maybe, I've tried so hard 

for something that not even you realize.

You have no idea for being my friend

I still remember your reflection on the glass, 

coming over from behind, 

I shut my eyes trying not to see you,

trying to ignore you,

trying not to have any feelings for you. 

but when I open my eyes, 

you were there,

you call my name and give me that smiles I always have crushed on,

and I've got no choice but to smile back.

happily.

to be honest, I've always happy that you were there, 

that you were reachable when I am in need, 

those insignificant moment for you is indeed significant for me,

but unfortunately you have no idea.

when you get hurt,

I was nervous.

I wanted you to stand strong even if you're broken, 

but sometimes, I feel like lending my shoulders, so you can cry your tears out,

so your heart will not feels that heavy.

and I've always recognize your broken kind of smile,

and everytime you did that, 

I feel like running to you and tell you 

that it's gonna be alright 

but all I did was stand too far and wishing only good things will happen to you

or standing so close to you and ignore everything I see in you.

Love

Regret will not last forever

I regretting it now for not going to the interview last January. 

I might be able to get a new routine. 

I might not be here in this office if I am a little bit firm with my decision. 

All of these keep playing in my head, 

distracting my focus in life. 

and I don't know why this time, 

all I did is let it be.

One side of me tells me that 

this is all what I need to go through to gain experience and become stronger, 

it is Allah's plan that is good for me and perhaps, 

this is what the best for me.

I must have faith that it will do good to me for the good things to happen

and for the reasons to become sensible.

but the other side is, 

this is a battle,

you must fight to win,

Allah didn't put you in any situation just for you to go with the flow,

sometimes you need to stand up and fight, 

for it will make you a stronger fighter. 

it's true, 

until when will I say, 'oh this is Allah's plan, so I only need to follow' 

but from my own side, I did nothing to deal with the situation

or even change it. 

so now, I really don't know what should I do.

You get what you give and sometime what you didn't as well

Remember that everytime we wished pain for someone else, 

that wish becomes prayers for us too.

And when people we wished to have bad fall upon them, 

will we be happy for seeing them fall on the ground?

no, it will never fill the happiness in our heart.

it only instill hatred and we will become crueler without we even realize it.

and always remember, 

what people shows to you is just a thin layer of onion, 

they didn't show you all, 

they didn't show the tears and broken piecies,

because they hope, by sharing the happiness,

you too, will be able to taste the happiness.

do not use their happiness 

as a tool to give them pain.

perhaps, they have had it a lot.

it just, they cried behind your back.

and hey, 

be kind.

to everyone.

in any possible manner.

in any situation.

because no kindness 

cost you any waste.

it may already hard for them, 

do not make it any harder.

You're different

I was so sad last week.

I feel like crying but not in any position where I can to,

so I swallowed my tears back inside. 

My heart aches.

Along the day, I feel so restless. 

until someone hug me

and I feel relieved.

How magic her touch is.

She makes me feel cared and loved.

She makes the problems goes away for the moment.

and she makes me see life better for a moment.

and I don't know,

if that is what we (humans) may really need,

perhaps just a simple yet sincere hug,

to get through the rough day.

Agree with him

Haha, I guess he's right!

Just come anyone and says this to my face, 

I gonna love them for good. haha!

Sometimes it only takes one right words 

to make someone open up to you.

and for me, 

I always lose with words. 

I shall take literature more seriously in class. hhaha

but he's right.

maybe when life seems perfect to us,

but we still unsure with the choice we made, 

we feel the emptiness inside, 

it means that life isn't perfect from the start. 

because we are emotionally damaged,

we failed to recognize 

what kind of perfect imperfect life we should live.

I am fine

I have think about it for the last weekend, 

for someone that is not important in your life, 

don't waste your time and energy to dwell on them. 

so, here is the thing with my supervisor, 

i rant about him a lot,

and he's now quite famous among my friends 

because I told them all and also 

updating about my supervisor on instastoriessss and also in twitter. 

but I am still not happy with myself doing this. 

because I feel bad ranting on people. 

because sometimes my supervisor is not so ill tempered. 

I need to remind myself that everyone have different stories behind

Plus, I will only see him throughput my internship period 

which approximately will end in 127 days. 

So, I will just stop ranting on my supervisor. 

Make the stories in the office known to public. 

and stop making him famous for that. 

because once I finish my internship,

I would never want to have any kind of relationship with him. 

I gonna hate if people remind me of him.

so better not to tell them about him. 

because he's not someone important in life.

he's not worth thinking of. 

so he can do whatever he wanna do. 

and I'll say whatever I ever wanted to say. 

he always scold and yell at me for no reasons.

he can do that as he please. 

but he will need to bear the affect because I am going to talk back. 

masuk telinga kiri, keluar telinga kanan, 

-- that way, I will survive just fine --

a liitle word

You know that feeling of 

having too much and speechless by it.

Too many problems at one time 

and you are numb to it. 

It's like you have no suitable reaction 

for this kind of moment.

Your heart get so tired you wanna cry, 

Your body aches so much you wanna cry, 

You headache is killing you, you wanna cry, 

and yet not even a little tear comes out.

You feel empty inside.

while hoping that 

everything gonna be alright. 

cause you believe, things will be alright by times. 

believe. 

Home

Home is my remedy 

and a primary source of pain 

that is constant and sharp.

Home is where I find calmness,

and where my battlefields begins.

Home is where I love to be 

and know that the risk to 

get disheartened in return.

Of going back home or not,

in between of that, is a me,

who often, get confused.

I love home.

but it's hard and hurt 

to be around.

And everytime I go back,

I am not actually giving myself a chance,

but also the one staying at home.

A chance of seeing me,

for one more time.

And a chance for me, 

to love them once more time.

They can do it, 

because in front of my own two eyes,

I see them love others just fine,

it just me

But after all,

we all know the answer, 

a home is a home 

no matter what.

And by that, 

it means, 

a home is a place 

where one should return,

no matter, 

how high you fly 

how far you travel 

and 

how painful the distant.

Come back home.

Just come back.

The rest, will settle

I hope

The who had so many loves

and all I ask you to do, 

is bear with the pressure 

of receiving the attention I give

and you did a very good job tho!

I've so much love inside me, 

no one willing to share, 

so instead of sharing, 

I guess it's better for me to just give.

Though I know, 

It will be also me, 

who will hurt the most.

Love

The one who can't be enough

I've always had this is mind,

am I not accepted because of my physical?

am I left out because of my face is breaking out?

people says, confident make you beautiful 

and so, I be one.

But it isn't enough.

I still felt as I'm being left out.

Can't the world just accept me for I am?

Can't the world accept me just the way I am?

Can't I remain fat and still being loved?

Can't I have dark skin, blemished skin, scars,pimples and still being loved?

Because I believe there is place for people like me.
Because I believe a person's love is beyond all that we can see
from the appearance.
Because I believe a true love that comes from the deepest heart
are limitless.

I know, I must make an effort.
I know everything I will receive after that is worth my effort.
but what about other people's effort?
how about your effort to accept me just right?

I could really understand if it was a stranger who cannot accept me,
but what makes it difficult and hurt is because,
I felt left out when I am with those people I cherish in my life.
The one I've been living with since my day one.

That's why it's difficult to bear.
That's why it's hard to tell.
That's why, even for writing this, 
my heart resist.
But somehow, my fingers managed to win.

Don't ever change, for anybody

Change is needed.

Change for betterment is necessary,

as we grow up, 

we grow old, 

we made mistakes,

and we learn, 

that's why, we change. 

but a change just to fit in someone's else life is wrong,

you are being unfair to yourself. 

God create each one of us differently for a reason, 

to diversify the world,

to make it beautiful with our own colors, 

that's why we couldn't be the same.,

because we are needed to complete each other not against each other.

however, if you are not accepted to where you feels you belong, leave.

if it means that they will hate you -- let it be.

After all, we are not born to please everyone. 

The purpose of us living in this world is to please our God

and if He pleases with us, that alone should be enough.

so if you wanna hate me 

for being me, 

go ahead.

She who love too easily

We call girls who love too easily cheap.

They are cheap because they fall too easily.

They are cheap because they love too quickly.

They are cheap because they trust too blindly.

 and it happened repetitively and very often end sadly.

But no.

She is brave enough to take the fall.

She has spacious heart to forgive and give chances to people.

She believes that good people still exist,

and she believes, she will find a person who makes world

a better place to stay. and she believes, that person could be you.

But then again, 

go ahead and laugh.

because you might not be able to find a girl,

who can love as much as her.

She is still looking.

"You are too self-centered"

she told herself

and wonder if that's the best or the worst.

she's just trying to get to know

herself better.

she's just trying to understand 

herself better.

so she could embrace all the flaws

and cherish her power

for she knows that there must be 

something she could do to help the ummah, 

to give and contribute.

but there is another side of her,

which think this might not be the best,

because she's too self-centered 

that she's always look at things 

and relate back only to her life.

when people seek advice from her, 

she could relate things in her life.

on her birthday, 

she told how grateful she is to be born, 

on her friend's birthday

she told how grateful she is to be born as their friend.

whatever happened, it always her at the end.

whatever happened, at end only her that matters.

and so, she get confused.

of what to do and what to be.

He Knows

"He knows" I was speechless when I heard that. He eventually find out about my feelings towards him but how? That is what I have been thinking right now, ever since I know about he-finding-the-truth. I know someone might have told him but I don't know who, because I think I told almost everyone who close to me about him. Hhaha, I am a fool, I know. 

I know someone might have told him, but I cannot guess who and I would never dare to tell the faces passed on my mind everytime I think about the criminal because I afraid I might not want to be his / her friend anymore. Hhaha. Because I really really wanted to trust everyone who dear to me. I really really wanted to believe that they are not betraying me. And for once, I really really wanted to feel that I can entrust them with my secrets. But hey, what am I imagining?? and hey, it was me who contribute to what is happening. 

I took some time where I realize that it wasn't that bad if he knows. Because just as I told you in my previous post, I don't mind if he knows about this as long as he doesn't bring it up. If he had the same feeling, he will come forward. If he doesn't, he will remain silent. And as long as none of us bring it up, nothing could go worse. We can still be friend. We can.

For having this feeling for someone is our absolute right. For not having our feeling returned equally, is their absolute right. No one is wrong and no one is right. However, no matter how genuine you think your feeling are, never ever let your feeling to control your action. Keep your mind sane! Do not let your feeling take over your logical and relevant-ness 

Love and stay in love

To a new place

I moved out from Sri Putramas 1.

The room I rented for my internship.

It is just 4km away from my office. 

MYR400 including all utilities, 

fully furnished, got astro, wifi, sofa, 

just perfect for anyone to stay! 

but it wasn't perfect as it seems.

things happened and yeah, 

I packed my things and moved out 

without any second thought. 

because the owner is at fault, 

I get advantage of getting my deposit back.

all praises to Allah to ease my way.

However, in return of getting out of a hell, 

I need to face heavy traffic jammed.

I currently stayed at Shah Alam with my sister, 

(temporarily) before I found another house. 

I travel 40km every morning and 

another 40km in the evening. 

It took me literally one hour in the morning 

and two hour in the evening 

(depending on the traffic) 

Previously, when I stayed at Sri Putramas, 

I arrived at home before 5.30pm, 

and now, I arrived around 6.30pm to 7.00pm.

don't ask me how the traffic is!!

Previously, I always had time for myself. 

I can cook. I can watch dramas and streaming movie online, 

and that's also means that I had quite a lot of time 

to spend on reminiscing my fate. 

Today, once I arrived, I'm taking shower, 

perform my prayers, and all I wanted to do is sleep. 

and everytime I woke up the next morning 

I feel like, please tell me it's only twelve o'clock 

I feel exhausted

But. I never say I don't like it. 

Because at least, I didn't cry anymore. 

At least, I got my sister to talk to. 

She can get mad at me for messing her bed

or hang my cloth at the wrong hook.

But still, I never feel like going back to Sri Putramas.

At least when my schedule is pack, 

I won't dare to think about unnecessary things. 

So I can be much happier than I have always been. 

Right?

and writing this while reminding myself

that later on 5.00pm I need to be ready to face jammed!!

oh nooooooooooo  

The day they come

The day I met them,

I feel very happy 

that my face brighten up.

Tho I am exhausted, 

There is no sign of me getting any tired.

I want to make them feel like home.

I want to feed them like a whale.

Even we did nothing much,

but I am happy, 

by just talking to them

and they listening.

When it's time for them to leave,

I have lost my words, 

I don't know what this feeling is, 

but I literally sad inside.

Can I go with you?

and I started to think,

what happened if 

I pack and just leave?

And the moment the car gone 

from my sight, 

I started to miss them -- again.