How does it feels to be blamed of what happening to you?
How does it feels to be told that you're not deserve to fight back?
How does it feels to be told that you must swallowing all the insults, 
How does it feels to hear all these from someone you love the most?

Now,
I feels like a paper being crumpled by hands.
I feels like a doll being spitted.
I feels like a bird without its wings. 
I feels like a child who lost two eyes.

It feels like you being killed but still alive.
It hurts deep inside, not because of what is said, 
but because it was said by someone whom very dear to life.

Thank you for the memories

I can love as much even when I get less in return, 

because I have faith in Allah that He will give me more,

if and only if I willing to wait for a little bit more. 

We cannot force a relationship,

We cannot love when it wasn't love,

and we cannot hate when it wasn't hatred,

let it flow. 

People says that I am a coward,

for not wanting to fight for what I loved, 

but dear, we should had recognize, 

a fight that we have lose right from the start.

I can fight if he's willing to be fought for.

I can love if he's willing to be loved.

I can give happiness if he willing to receive.

But the fact is, nothing I can do 

when the only thing he did is refusing me. 

And so, 

I need to give myself a chance, 

not only to love someone,

but to be loved back, 

and if he's not willing then look for the one who do.

Because at the end, 

when we aren't meant to be, 

we will not be.

and I believe, 

this time, 

it wasn't only his happiness that matters, 

but mine. 

Hence, I would like to close my chapter about him. 

and I wanna says, thank you for the memories.

Dear self, 

Beringatlah untuk menjadi seorang wanita yang engkau ingin jadi, a woman who strong enough to protect people, who tender enough to comfort people, who firm enough to make decision. I want you to always remember about who you wanted to be. You wanted to be an independent enough to get things done and you wanted to be someone who bring the happiness to your family. 

Therefore, when you meet a man, and he couldn't encourage you for your dreams, leave. When you meet someone who ask you to forget your dream just to live his dream, leave. If he ever asked you to stop doing of what you are doing for your future, then leave. Unless, he able to change all his assets under your name, got 5 million mansion secured, got range rover under your name -- than that would be fine. 

But still, never forget 

Semalam
bertegang urat dengan tuan rumah 
panas whatsapp group sp1-17 bila tuan rumah 
mahu bawa teman lelaki mat sallehnya.
semua bantah kecuali sekutunya. 

semua undang-undang yang dia cipta 
tak applicable untuk dia, 
dia terkalis dari semua tata tertib yang dia mahu orang jaga

padahnya, aku dapat notis keluar rumah
atas sebab ketidakpuas hatian, 
atas sebab tak bersetuju dengan dia,

aku ambil peluang ni,
sebab dia yang kick out kami, 
maka dia kena pulangkan semula deposit kami, 
aku pun tak hadap duduk dengan tuan rumah perangai tak semegah,

tapi ayah pesan "cakap elok2" 
walau dengan apa jadi ayah tetap pesan "jaga adab" 
penuh sopan santun ayah ajar untuk aku jadi,
tapi dengan manusia2 macam ni, 
jarang aku boleh, 
tapi sebab ayah pesan, maka aku turutkan. 

What happened if he knows?

"kak, what happens if he knows that you like him? he is your best friend, wouldn't it damage your friendship? it will be super awkward, doesn't it?"  I looked at her who worried if things like that happened to me, because she knows how much this man dear to me and being treated like a stranger if he ever happened to know about my feeling is sure the most hurting.

But I never afraid if he knows about my feeling. The one who insist of not telling is me, because I afraid if he knows that I like him, he will feel uncomfortable to be around me but none of my feelings towards him is untrue. So, if he happened to know, be it. 

The only prove that valid is when that very "i like you" come out from my own mouth. He cannot simply assume by listening to other people's stories. I believe he is matured enough not to judge people by other people saying. And I know, he is not type of guy who will come and ask me whether or not the news he heard is true.He will never come to me and ask me whether or not I like him. He is just that kind of guy. The most he would do, is let it be. 

So unless, he or me say anything towards each other, anything else wouldn't be a problem. So as long as he never brought up the issue, I think we both can still be a friend.

And, to like him and to have feelings towards him is my absolute right. But I also know that to not returning the same feeling is his absolute right. So, if we both can respect each other's right, nothing happened will ever affecting us. However, I know the fact, that no matter how good our friendship are, once he has found her women, I will need to let him go -- as a man, and also as a friend. 

At the end, I know, I couldn't have him, either as a man or as a friend.

Love

When he doesn't love me back

"Doesn't it hurts" she asked. Looking me at eyes, waiting for my answer I guess. Girl, you know what? we cannot always get the love we give to others, but we will surely get it even when it is from a different person. 

Of course we ever had crushed on someone and very often we mistook it for love, because no real love started before marriage, - believe me. When you are now with your boyfriend, it isn't true love yet. Once both of you get married, what stay between you two -- that what love really is. 

That's why, I won't cry. If he doesn't meant to be my knight, then I will be just fine because one day, if my husband ever asked me whether or not, I ever cried for a boy, I will proudly says that I never cry for a boy. I don't know, perhaps I am being overreacted, overthink or whatever people name it, but it just passed my mind. 

Logically, twenty years of marriage life, takkan you will not have time to ask questions like that? I mean, if it was me, I will asked my husband on our very first night to tell everything about his past. For some people, past it past, but I believe, the past is what make this present exist. And believe me, the past wasn't really a past as it can comes back anytime. 

Therefore, I would like to prepare myself for those unexpected moment. If someone ever come to me and tell me that she has memories with my husband, I would like to let her know that I know about it. Because when I am about to love my husband, I would like to love everything about him. His past and history. His present and his future. 

And believe me, when I love someone, what I wanted is not only to be loved by him but also to be a protector because no matter how strong a man is, he also has a gentle heart that must be tendered and I will be the armor.

That's why, I cannot cry merely for a boy. I won't cry just for anyone. As I believe, if he's not for me, then Allah will surely put my heart at ease. InsyaAllah

Love

To let go what dear to you

"It's hard" he says. With tears running down to his puffy cheeks. Even when I couldn't see his face, I think I can imagine how he will react upon the news he just received, the one he just tell me, the one that breaks him, the one that I never thought of happening. His fiance finally called off the engagement.

Relationship is not easy as we think it is. It not only require your commitments but things beyond that. And believe it or not, no matter how good we are in our relationship when God has decided that this is not meant for us, then be it.

In the softest way, Allah break their relationship. Even he might found it hard now, but slowly, he will get better and happier in the future. Believe it or not, if we could put aside our feeling just for a moment and think rationally, isn't by breaking the relationship, we are actually moving one step closer to "the one" who was meant for us? I mean, hey, it is a good news babe!

But that's not how our heart works. This heart is fragile that we couldn't differentiate what is good for us for the time being. We wants what we wants without considering what will we really need. But it's okay because we are allow to do that. But after you have done enough crying, after you have shed many tears, tell yourself to just stop. 

Stop looking at the past. Stop asking yourself "what if" or what else you could have been done to save the relationship. Stop questioning God why this relationship that is so dear to you end in just a blink of eyes. Stop thinking that you are not fighting hard enough for this relationship. 

Believe that it's all written and live with it. And as time flows, you will heal. No one says it's easy, but have faith in yourself that you can get through this, because as you think she's different from anyone else, one fine day, you will meet someone who is far more different than her and only then does the true love begins.

Love

Accepting yourself

The only way for you to open the door of happiness, is by first accepting yourself as a whole. You must first respect yourself as a human being, only then, will you know your value. 

Accept and embrace your weaknesses for it doesn't make you weak, because only by opening your heart towards it, you could fully utilize the strength to cover up the weakness and work towards your betterment.

The only way to posses your own power is by accepting what you have and accept that the power you posses is not same as any other heroes. You are your own hero, so be proud. Be thankful and grateful as Allah has promise to give more to those who being grateful. 

And the feeling of flying up high with your very own colorful wings and in your very own skin is spectacular. For not need to hide behind a mask and greet the world is a freedom no one could define. Being able to walk freely without need to worry about what other people is talking about you is a total peace of mind. 

However, being yourself doesn't give you a free ticket to do everything according what you feel is right. There is still things you shall consider. Learn from mistakes for the first sorry is a genuine sorry and the second sorry is just your choice. Learn to respect other people's choice. 

Your happiness is not other people responsibilities, it was yours. So stop complaining. Stop hesitating. Take some time to listen to your heart. Let your heart speaks what you couldn't word.

Look into every single things that you had, not what you hadn't

Ayah, 

When did you getting so old?

You always request me to massage your foot 

do you know how much I love doing that?
I just wouldn't show.

I miss to massage your foot,

to feel how rough that two foot are. 

you told me that your leg is hurting 

and every time you said that, I am worried.

You are getting old

and I am not anybody yet.

I am not earning my own money yet.

so dad, can you please wait -- stop growing old.

I pray really hard so Allah sempatkan nyawa, 

so Allah sempatkan me untuk berjasa,

for wallahi, I would like to love him sampai syurga,

Ayah,

as you sleep, I look at your wrinkles,

I look at your tired face,

and pray that one fine day, I could give you everything you ever wanted in this world.

Ayah,

thank you for worry about me

thank you for loving me

thank you for being there when I am needing

Ayah,

I failed to read you sometimes, 

I failed to understand your love sometimes, 

I failed to be a good child always, 

but thank you for you never failed to keep believing

and not giving me up.

Ayah, 

may Allah reward you with the highest jannah.

mummy gonna follow you around,

mummy gonna go to your first field trip 

and sneak into group of your friends and disguise myself. 

mummy gonna stalk your social medias

retrieve your passwords 

share your email address 

and saving all your friends contact numbers.

mummy gonna ask you out for a date every weekend, 

and you must be there for my birthday (you shouldn't miss)

mummy gonna work very hard,

I would like to bring you to office sometime, 

because I know how fast you will grow, 

on the day you think your mummy is annoying, 

just know that mummy is missing you long before you were born,

mummy just being too happy to think of you, 

and mummy was blinded for your love.

that's why, 

mummy wanna say sorry, for loving you too much.

and if you will ever feel so stressed for it.

be a father that close to your daughter,

be her first bestfriend, 

be her first boyfriend, 

so she would understand, 

what kind of man should she let to stay in her life.

be a father that your daughter seek when she cries,

be a father that your daughter can count on everytime, 

give her advises

scold her for her faults

but never forget to tell her what's right from wrong.

and in you,

I see an imaginary father I would like to have for my daughter.

I wanted to be your armor.

So I could protect you from any harms

that do damages to your heart.

I don't know if I could ever love you enough 

or would you ever feel enough with my love

but I will do my best in loving you

.

A life like coconut tree

"Poor that child" - is sympathy. 

"Come on, let's go and get some ice cream, then we'll figure out what to do with you" - is empathy. 

Sympathy is easy to give. Everytime it feels so sad we pity them, but is that sympathy enough to live up to be a good society. We write in those essays of ours to be a contributor to society but what we actually give in returns? ask yourself, are we ever giving our empathy to people? 

Empathy is something that you need to wake within yourself. The presence of you in someone's else life and play your role is not easy things to do but possible. Putting yourself in one's shoes and feels exactly how it is like. 

Remember when I told you that my car was breakdown. It's actually out of battery. My sister come all the way from Shah Alam to help me with my problems. I asked my housemate to let my sister stay for one night, because we got no place to go. We need to fix my car and I don't know how much it will cost, hence the best way is to save my money as much as I can, so no check in the hotels. Plus, this is Mont Kiara residency, where do I find hotels rooms with cheap price??

My roommates are both okay, but my owner give me condition. She wanted my sister to sleep in living room. She is 49 and have two daughters. Above all that, she is a mother. She is being unreasonable and inconsiderate. I told her, I will be the one who sleep in living room. Thus, our conversations are over. 

My roommates cooked bee hoon for dinner and I cooked bubur for my sisters. The next morning after both of my roommates go to work, I started make toast for breakfast. Around 9.00am, my sister and I settle things for my cars and after that I followed her back to her place at Shah Alam. 

In our group, I received whatsapp from her saying this "sila jaga ketenteraman penyewa lain, jangan buat bising. Restore the dishes, pots and pans after use for others. Strictly only simple cooking are allowed, take note, next time no vistors are allowed, the premise is privacy"

When you have decided to rent the premise, it means, you must also willing to share your space with someone else. I  didn't bring in visitor for unnecessary purpose and how you can cook without making a sound? Think! When we first see the ads, it's clearly stating "cooking are allowed" regardless heavy or light. That's the use of the stove right? again think!

I just hope people can be reasonable, not only when they are sane. The owner drink alcoholic beverage and despite different belief that we have, I choose to respect her, can't she just do the same? there are more people out there struggling with their life, and what if, with our littlest helps, could bright up their day, we never know. Kindness never hurt, that's for sure. So please. 

Be like a coconut tree. Mula kau koyakkan sabutnya. Kemudian kau pecahkan tempurungnya. Kau minum airnya dan kau carik isinya. Kau ambil daunnya. Kau ambil batang daunnya dijadikan lidi. Kau tumbangkan batangnya dijadikan titi. Almost everything on a coconut tree are benefiting people. Jadi seperti coconut tree, which giving tanpa henti. 

Be kind.

Remember last week when I told you how I am getting very sick and my car break down. It's out of battery actually. That Friday feels so long to me and my mind was wandering thinking what I should do next, but ironically, I am very calm, instead of getting my heart hurt for hurting my family with the news. I am such an accident prone and trouble maker in family. Just what can I do to change that?

My sister make her way from Shah Alam to Mont Kiara to fetch me from office and bring my car to workshop. As we arrived at my place near 7.00pm then we decided to settle the car by tomorrow morning. The thing is, my sister dent her car when she is on her way to me. Her money flies away everytime she's having me around. It hurts me. 

I can never thank Allah enough for giving me a sister as tough as her -- my superwoman. Always there to be counted on. Before my sister arrived, I did ask permission from the owner and my roommates to let my sister stay for one night because tomorrow we gonna go to workshop. I am not familiar with this place and none of my housemate willing to help, so what other choice I might have? 

My roommates are okay, but the owner give one condition where my sister need to sleep in living room. How shall I react? I told her that I will sleep outside and my sister will have my bed. I just hope people could really be kind to others to reduce the problems they might be having. There is no pain in being kind, does it? 

I didn't tell my sister this. It hurts ya know. Saturday morning was gloomy. My sister and I still didn't talked a lot. So much things happened in one day, so we are still figuring things out. I should be the one who go to shah alam and meet her. We are planning to watch movies together, now it is her who need to come here. I made her toast with egg. 

Around 9.00am, we both packed. I also packed my things. In case my car is fixed, I wanna follow her and stay at her place the whole weekend, and all praises to Allah, Alhamdulillah Allah has make is easy for both of us. I go to management office and asking around if anyone got jumper and coincidentally, the security guard name Arman had it and he also called mechanic for me. 

After change the battery my car finally ready to rock the road again, but I feel a little bit sad because my car battery is the original one and I never changed it for almost four years. It's amazing that it can serve me long enough for an underestimated brand. I love proton and gonna buy only proton in the future. hhaha. So, to shah alam I go with my sister. 

Saturday feels so long. A good one of course. I get to stay at my sister's, watching movies (separately on each others phone), scrolling Instagram. We didn't had lunch as my sister is suffering from stomach ache and I don't really have an appetite these days. So, we only go out after asar. She brought me somewhere we can eat cendol and rojak. I had rojak buah and cendol pulut while my sister got herself cendol pulut and rojak pasembur. 

After that, we go to Giant supermarket to buy some groceries. She insist to cook for dinner. (she's hesitating actually, but perhaps because I am here, so she wanted to cook). I had sup sayur for dinner and nasi goreng sayur for breakfast the next morning. 

  Sunday makes me feel so sad as I know my holiday will end. or maybe I do not want to be apart from my sister. No. I am not going to come back home on Sunday. I will just go to work from shah alam. I don't care. So, I woke up very early at 5.00am and go to work around 6.48am. I arrived around 7.38am. I think it was okay. I was fine with that. Just in time. 

I think it can be done if I just move in to my sister's place. As long as I got to see her face, then everyday will be fine. All those problems with pms majid, will gone right after. inshaAllah. 

It's always good to have someone close to you

in a place you're not familiar with. 

It feels like only you too live in the place 

and you need to fight all the people in the world. 

you're not feeling safe

you're not feeling good inside

all these things which can lead to depression and stress. 

That is why, be good to people.

We never know what happened to people. 

Isn't it good to be someone who make way for others. 

Allah has promised to give more to people who ease others. 

Be good. Be kind. Be good. Be kind. 

That's the only thing I want from people all around the world. 

Because it hurts to have only ourselves in the world where me admit we are all sisters and brothers.

#ofhardshipsandsuckinternlife

Dua bulan ni, aku banyak menangis. the more I cry the more sadder I feel. semalam, dah macam anak kecil. nangis dengan sedu sedannya. serupa waktu aku nangis masa kena marah dengan ayah. it's all memories. tapi semalam sedih betul rasa hati. gundah gila rasa jiwa. on my way from office, aku nangis dalam kereta. mula2 perlahan sebelum tangisan bertukar menjadi guruh yang berdentang. 

sampai rooftop, aku park kereta. aku sambung nangis dalam kereta. redakan apa yang ada. bila rasa dah cukup sedia, aku buka pintu kereta. dan masuk dalam rumah, letak je beg, ah nangis lagi. aku lepaskan lagi --biar. dah habis tu, pergi solat. nangis. pergi tengok tv. nangis. itu saja kerja aku semalaman. tapi mengenangkan Jumaat nak jumpa kakak aku dekat shah alam, aku ukir semula senyuman. 

malam2 terjaga. sakit perut. cirit birit. food poisoning barangkali. muntah banyak kali. aku tak rasa sakit pun, tapi lebih kepada hati galau. sampailah kawan mimi whatsapp aku pasal satu kerja. (lupa nak cakap, yes aku apply tempat intern baru) -- tapi, dia tak bagi kata jawapan lagi. aku cuma harapan, jawapan dia adalah jawapan yang aku nak dengar. tak apa, tunggu esok pagi. sabar. 

pagi2 bangun. excited betul kemas baju semua. habis kerja nak gerak shah alam, jumpa kak farah. excited buka pintu kereta sebelum aku sedar, kereta aku tak boleh start. kau dah kenapa? lebih buntu dari panik. lebih serba salah dari takut sebab tahu bakal susahkan lagi hati orang tua. apa, apa je yang tak kena dengan aku sebulan dua ni. 

aku park dekat rooftop. parking building ni tak ada lif, cuma ada tangga. aku tingkat lima. kau rasa? dan mula lah senaman pagi, entah berapa puluh kali aku naik turun naik turun tangga, cari guard, cari orang yang telefon boleh call hot line (aih, nanti aku cerita kenapa dengan phone aku pulak), cari siapa ada jumper. 

11am. jumpa sorang pakcik ni. aku tak tahu entah macam mana mulut aku lancar je tanya, "ada jumper?" dan dia teragak-agak nak tolong sebab mungkin dia pun dah lambat pergi kerja, tapi dia tolong aku juga. dah hidup enjin. dia tolong hantar aku pergi kerja, sebab aku takut kereta aku tak boleh start pula nak balik kerja nanti, dkt sana mana aku nak cari jumper?

aku rasa ralat semua ni jadi. aku rasa pahit semua ni jadi. aku rasa payau dan galau dekat hati. tapi tak tahu nak describe macam mana dah. geram kadang2 nak tunggu jawapan dari Tuhan, tapi I know every words I said, I must be responsible of the weight. Jadi aku kena tetap bersangka baik pada Tuhan walau sekarang hati rasa dah tak tertahan. 

If you guys reading this, ask me if I am okay. sebab I know I am not but I will say I am okay sebab aku nak aku okay facing all these thing. tak tambah lagi dengan aku susahkan family banyak dah. kakak aku dtg dari shah alam semata nak tolong aku yang tak habis habis dengan masalah. how did i invite all these problems over ha? would u like to share some? hhaha

tapi aku rasa, my car just don't like kl as much as I am. sebab tu dia mcm aku juga. hhaha

aku sedih. aku nak nangis lagi. bye

#internshiplifesuck

Is it wrong if you feel likes you are not belong? Last three years when I had my internship during diploma, I don't really enjoy it either but it never suffocate me like this. Back then, there is also a boss I don't like to meet who is Big Fat Amy (not the one in pitch perfect but Malaysian BFA), but it never makes me feel this lonesome, never make me feel like can-we-stop-this-and-fast-forward-time-to-the-day-i-end-my-internship-presentation. 

Currently I am desperately looking for a new placement. Of course near my home, why? because when I get stress at work then I can go back home to get my cure -- family. awww, I know I am sweet. But that's the thing, no one is replying and I started to realize that I need to console myself and be prepared to face this for six more month -- i feel like dying --

Every single day, I am asking Allah, if this is what He wants for me, then please put my heart at ease and lend me the strength so I could face my super bossy supervisor who asked me to wash his mug, bought him milo ais and foods!! But if Allah pity His poor servant and does not want to see me crying all day and night for the rest of six month, I pray hard so Allah give me another placement for internship. 

Yes, stress is everywhere, but I cannot work with someone who is not professional who keep yelling at me because he has fight with his girlfriend, and because none of what I did was right in his eyes. Even when I typing the keyboard, he will ask what I am typing -- like?? don't you have work to do?? 

The first thing he says to me on my first day via whatsapp is --''do not come late, we start sharp at 8am'', ewah ewah, I never saw him coming earlier then 9am. And if big boss go outstation, the latest he will come to the office is at 10am. Applause.

Huh. Ranting about him is bad. but I don't know what should I do. I could really really be depressed if this continue. 

Good Day Friday

What happens if yesterday's yes becomes tomorrow's no? 

What happens if when you look back nothing look the same anymore?

What happens if all you had before has now becomes what you hadn't?

We never know how it begins.

We never know where it started or

what make it executes, 

but we know for sure, 

that it is all beyond our control. 

Just like when we didn't control of being born into the world, 

and we didn't control of us leaving the world, 

and when we didn't have any control on our beginning and also our ending,

what makes we think that we have such control over them in between?

Have faith in God and let him decides what is best. 

After effort and dua, let everything burdened you to him, 

as He will make your burdened an ease so you will be at ease, 

if and only if, you have faith in Him.

of exam results and friends

I am a witness of friends who study very hard to achieve their target. I am a witnessed of friends who believe that nothing is impossible if we set out mission right. I am a witness of friends who tried their very best out of difficulties they might need to overcome. All those tears are also a witness of their struggles.

And today, it is all worth it and paid off.

I am happy for my results and happier when I know my friends made it together. 

The Best Senior Year

Do you know when did I first feel like a senior? it wasn't when I became a 'welcoming orientation week' (wow) facilitators. It wasn't when I got so many juniors asking me for my books. It wasn't when I had seen many new faces calling me 'kak'. And it wasn't when I see my exam slip which indicated which semester I am. I first started to feel that I am a senior when I am playing tennis in the evening while the others are all going back for their mid-semester break. I feel like I am so old and not enjoy holiday as much as I am when I was in semester one. Although it has been quite some time since I last met my family and get really homesick, but that's when I feel like a senior. 

I noticed that I become more expressive (through my face obviously!), I am master of that already. Before this either I bottle up all inside or I say it at once but I no longer do that. I become more expressive in showing my feeling but won’t talk about it at once. Some of my friend failed to read me and the best thing they could do is to leave me until I cooled down but I don’t want that!! This is why girls are complicated. I once thought I am not going to complicate things. 

During my senior year, I am a student representative, I working part time, I playing tennins for one months and walking around campus if I got time and mostly involved in so many activities which make me feel like my room is a hotel -- I came back just to change. And I spend my student life pretty much outside the campus to run for the events. I joined so many leadership program (paksarela) but all information received is benefiting me, so I am all good to go. As for academic achievement, final year project is one tough fella. However, I managed to get into Made in Mimet (a yearly competition on presenting the ideas or a project) and won silver for that. And by joining that, my supervisor promise me an A for final year project, hence, a relieve. 

So many things happened that make me so grateful and thankful. Allah already bless me with a supportive family and now he bless me with good friends around me who stay with me in any condition I am. To my dear roommate, Qi -- she is one in thousands. Always taking care of me even she is much smaller than me. For Hawa and Sha which make my life imperfect without, how would I thank them for everything they have done for me. and for all the boys who stay despite of my bad temperamental and unpredictable emotion -- it such a roller coaster ride kind of year. 

I have so much fun and good birthday celebration too!! so hey, let me tell you this, the closing of the year is ------ FINAL EXAM RESULT. 

All praises to Allah for the good reason even I am not satisfied with it. Hey, unsatisfactory is really important to enhance your skill okay!, improve your weakness and fix the problems. However, I am still grateful for giving me totally what I deserve because I know just how much my effort is for something that big. I didn't work hard enough. I am being too playful all the time. I can go watch movie the day before final exam start and what do I expect? An A+ for my result?? Hhaha. It is true that Allah will grant you up to your effort only, that is why if you cannot understand when reading it once, do it twice or thrice, because some how, HE gonna help you through. HE is the MASTER of this life, don't you think HE can do that tricky magic easily -- kun fayakun -- be so be it. 

So, all in all. Have a good day everyone. I am not writing this because I only had good time only. Of course there are ups and downs in everything but as a human being, that is not what we should focus on. When Allah has decided it for you, accept it wholeheartedly and beg for HIS mercy to open our eyes and heart to see and to understand the reason behind all these. Maybe we cannot accept it today or tomorrow but surely Allah's gift will never disappoint us. 

THE END

p/s - is it too long?

The best thing of living is that we are not living in this world alone. We have people around us where from them we can learn . 

Internship 2.0

This gonna be a very long post! so, sorry in advance!! 

Today is the seventh day of me working as an intern at MS (couldn't reveal company's name as I planning to rant on my supervisor here). This is my second time undergoing internship program and this time is for my bachelor. All praises to Allah who has give me the strength to complete my study. At this stage I started to think about what will I do with my life once I've finished my study because I don't think I am any ready to face life other than as a students. 

Talking about this, while I am typing, my mind already exploring to my memories. I am not ready to leave yet. *crying* *wiping tears* and *crying* again. 

Things aren't going so well on the first week. Is it tough? yes. Why? because I don't like it here. Why? maybe because I am the talkative one but no one seems interested to make conversation with me and even if I make a conversation, they couldn't understand my language as they are Korean and my vocabulary isn't wide enough to think and translate. Plus, they rarely talk. Worst -- my supervisor who is the only one malay in the office is making it hard for me to survive the day for he had that PMS symptom only girls should had - so can you imagine? but nah, it's alright, boys had their time too, but my sv having it like almost everyday! pftt.

I rent a medium room of three-sharing for RM400/person. (fully furnished). Got wifi ready, astro, aircond (both in living and bedroom), water heater, sofa, kitchen, -- I like the interior -- my roommates are both working at One Utama (if I'm not mistaken), they are Kelantanese and we still in the process of breaking the hard ice. Staying in the small is a divorcee age 44 years old, mother of (few kids). She's staying alone as she paid for RM600/month. And lastly master bedroom is own by the owner, yes girl, the owner is staying with us. I though it is such a fine thing at first but guess what, it was the stupidest idea I ever had. 

So the thing is, the owner and that kakak living in single room -- they go clubbing and drinking alcohol. I am not judging a person's dosa pahal, salah betul, halal haram because it is between them and Allah, but as much as I respect their choice, I hope they too could respect mine. Once, the owner offer me the red wine and ask me a question which me myself feel ashamed to say it or talk about it. 

So when things happened simultaneously, I am miserable and yes, I feel burdened by the situations. Last Monday, I am bit emotional and when suddenly ayah whatsapp me asking me why didn't he heard me for days, I cried. In the office when no one is around, I cried. I heart out everything to my dad and seeking for his advice. And just as I expect, before maghrib, my sister whatsapp me saying that she's looking for a new house for me to stay. (so protective since we were kids). After isya' I video called my mom and cried again when I saw her face and when she said, she is making dua for me, I cried again and end the video call and cried again, **what a crybaby** I'm not usually like this okay! 

However, no matter what situation are you in, have faith in Allah. He'll never leave His servant alone if you seek for him. And always remember that no matter how far you are from your family, they always pray for your very best. Always appreciate what you have right now and count for every blessing you received instead of counting of what you don't have. And perhaps, every test befall onto you right now is the aftereffect of your sins, so accept, reflect and repent. 

The weight of my words must be carried out by my action too, hence I request for your help to pray for me, so I could be a better human being for my family, friends and to the society.