Tomorrow.

Bermula baru semua untuk ku.
I need to remind myself that tomorrow will be different.
Tomorrow.

Thanks to all family members and friends who never stop supporting. We go through so many things together. Each argument and fight we involved, have teach us something. And I believe it make this bond stronger.

After what had happen. I know I love you guys more and more.

Our place had been decided. I pray for your success now and hereafter. Always believe in Allah as HE give you what you need not what you want.

Ya Allah. I believe in you. I want to go through this path. Make it easy for me. 

untitled

I didn't struggle my brain to create a verse of poem. 

I have never ever to think that it was a poem. 

I have no dare to say it. 

But, what can I say is 'it comes from my heart'

Usually when I get upset with the circumstances,

I will burst it into words. 

Sometimes I will use my mouth to spill everything but each time 

I do that, I tend to hurt people hearts. 

Somehow, I feel that I am bad.

Erghh, hrmm, I don't really know either. 

Lets spread the love

Untitled/.

Things aren't meant to be as easy as we thought it would be right? I thought I can already sit still and not worried about where to further my studies as my dad have registered me under NMIT program. But the fact now is, at the last minute -problems poping up- And the worst part is I am stuck between them.

In the situation like this, believe me that I couldn't even think. I am blur. Mong~

I know my dad worrying me and facing the fact that you-are-the-one-who-creates-so-much-problems make me feel guilty. I know it was all my fault but I didn't ask for this too. Things happen and I know I must learn something or there is something which will teach me. 

The most important thing I must learn!!

Don't let the pisang berbuah dua kali. Biar dia berbuah satu tandan je. Kenyang perut!!

Just be Yourself RR

If you can't be a pine on the top of hill, 

Be a scrub in the valley but be the best liitle scrub by the side of the hill. 

Be a bush if you can't be a tree,

If you can't be a bush, be a bit of grass, 

and some highway happier make ; 

if you can't be a muskie, then just be a bass

but the liveliest bass in the lake!

we can't all be captains cause we have got to be crew.

There is something for all of us here.

There is big work to do and there is lesser to do. 

And the task we must do is near.

If you can't be highway,then just be a trail,

It isn't size that you win or you fail

Be the best of whatever you are

to cultivate a mental attitude that will bring us peace and freedom from worry, remember let's not imitiate others. Let's find ourself and be ourself

a fingers note

I don't really know what is about me that you don't like so much. But sometimes I think I can guess that and I always wonder about how if my guessing were true. It will hurt me and you instead. I mean, both of us will get hurt. How? Because I keep a grudge. Erk.

You know me better.

We don't know about the future but the way you tell me about my future is like my future really going down. Like, there is no other way for me to improve myself for a better person. You look down at me and it will never change. I bet it for sure.

t's all right daijoubu DAIJOUBU daijoubu
kiseki datte okoseru
Here we go ikou yo ikou yo ikou yo tsubasa hiroge
kitto nani ka ga nani ka ga doko ka de deaeru hi o matteru
DO! DO! DO! DREAMING! DREAMING! soshite tobira ga hiraku yo...

IZA tonaru to nani mo ienai shaberitai no ni koe mo kiki takute
kokoro ga ne awateteru
aoi sora ni hikouki kumo tsunaida te ni waite kuru POWER
doko datte yuke sou da yo kaze ni notte...

It's all right daijoubu DAIJOUBU daijoubu
kiseki datte okoseru
Here we go ikou yo ikou yo ikou yo tsubasa hiroge
kitto nani ka ga nani ka ga doko ka de deaeru hi o matteru
DO! DO! DO! DREAMING! DREAMING! soshite tobira ga hiraku yo...

nandemo nai koishi de sae fushigi da yo ne houseki ni kawaru
isshoni ne miteru dake de... minna hikaru

Top secret daisuki na DAISUKI na daisuki na
shunkan ga fuete yuku
tottemo chiisana CHIISANA chiisana tane ni natte
kitto kokoro no doko ka de ookina hana ga saki hajimeteru
DO! DO! DO! DREAMING! DREAMING! soshite sekai ha hiraku

daijoubu DAIJOUBU daijoubu
kiseki datte okoseru
Here we go ikou yo ikou yo ikou yo tsubasa hiroge
kitto nani ka ga nani ka ga doko ka de deaeru hi o matteru
DO! DO! DO! DREAMING! DREAMING! soshite tobira ga hiraku yo...

What will happen next?

I just want to go to next week. I want to see what happen to me. I want to know. Really know about what will come to me. I want to know what I deserve that day. I having so much fun enough. Event at the peek time of war, I take everything so lightly. Now when things happen. Regret comes but it wasn't a way for me to get out from the reality I face today.

I know my parents disappointed on me. Even they doesn't showed but I am not that damn stupid. I can read by their eyes. I know much things they don't know that I already know.

I am not giving up. With willingness from Allah, I promise to do well and give my effort in the next path. But to choose the next path is now a problem to me. Seriously, I am ok with nmit and matrik as well. Because I have something to do with both of it.

I just following their decision. Not because I am giving up but because they know me better than I said I know myself.

Further Studies.

Firstly, what will happen on this 1 May? I go or not? Where is the official letter which I should get a week ago? Hey, hello!! I already pack my things. I really do not want to unpack my thing. It was so tiring. Plus, I am not someone who remember where to put all those thing and I also do not know where to put thing which I bought a few weeks ago. 

My bilik so semak ok!

When I got news about I got accepted by Matrikulasi for 2013/2014 session, it makes me feel reincarnated. It likes I love to do it again. I mean, I want to do it once again. The same things I learn in my high school. I do love to learn something new under NMIT  program but I do love to tebus my Chemist and Addmath especially. Bio ad Physic? I can try harder and harder. I know it will not be easy but ada ke benda yang senang dalam dunia ni except eat, poops and sleep?

Then I ask, why don't give a try. I mean a try to repeat. 

Then I ask, how about being still with something NEW 

My heart want both but Allah had decide. So I wait until this Tuesday. After that, InshaAllah I know my answer. 

CJH

At time where nobody believe in you or even you may not believe you can do. There is someone who always stand behind you to support you and believe in you. But to really love that someone or to find that someone, is not as easy as we thought. Much matter will get in the line. 

But, 

Allah has define it. We just need to believe and have faith in him. After all, HE will never leave us if we never disobey HIM. 

To him; 

I want to let you know that I not only want to stay beside you but I want to hold your hand too. 

CJH

At time where nobody believe in you or even you may not believe you can do. There is someone who always stand behind you to support you and believe in you. But to really love that someone or to find that someone, is not as easy as we thought. Much matter will get in the line. 

But, 

Allah has define it. We just need to believe and have faith in him. After all, HE will never leave us if we never disobey HIM. 

To him; 

I want to let you know that I not only want to stay beside you but I want to hold your hand too. 

los#2

If you doesn't change now, you will deny the chance to change yourself for the next ten years and when that time come, you are too late to change your path of life. 

After all. Keep moving and never give up. The future just right in front us.

It just not shining yet. We are now setting at our place. Have no worries. InshaAllah.

koth

When you about to like someone, make sure you don't play with their heart.
Yeah we cannot guarantee the relationship we build will reach to the marriage life.
But if you know, she is not the type of girl you will be marry so just let her know
and don't fool around with someone hearts.
Because when it is about love,
people will look into your pure heart and your sweet dirty words.
-I might not fall for it -

To take a revenge by playing someone heart is such only a lowlife will do.
so, behave yourself because you get what give. 

Krik Krik Krik Krik

People tend to saying harsh words when they angry, yet regret with their sayings.
I may feel that sometimes but not as frequent as I am being harsh.
People may ask,
"what is so good feeling that you get when you scattered your harsh words to people?"

There is nothing about good feeling. Not given satisfaction either.
The thing is, your words may not seem harsh but its enough to tear my fragile heart.

This is such a sensitive issue to bring up.
But I have no other intention. I just want to remind myself what I have done to people.

The message doesn't clear here. Hrmm.. merepek! Abaikan.

#

Semakin dekat hari yang dinanti semakin lambat waktu berdetik.
Semakin hampir impian digapai, semakin gelana jiwa dibuatnya.

We are close to what we want, yet we feel miserable by that.
I wonder. I should be happy right.
At least I know they already set me for my place.
Plus, this is what I want.
This is what I agree to be.
This is what I believe I can and will do.
This is the way I choose to change the path of my life.
This is the only option that I have. \

so why there are still worries exist?

Sometimes, even we already get what we want.
Things never be settle right away.
Problems will keep popping up and we know that we cannot
be a coward and run from the problems.

*packing

Acceptance.

Everyone has their own favorite.
So, don't cry and don't envy.
You may not get any space in their heart,
but someday
someone will come, accepting you.
And since that moment, you will become that someone's favorite.

In this pale blue dot.
Everyone created into couple.
So, have faith and believe in Allah.

Cinta itu ibarat virus yang wujud dalam sistem imunisasi manusia. Zint

Benar. Cinta itu fitrah manusia. Seego manapun seseorang itu, dia pasti jatuh cinta. Seburuk manapun mata insan memandang, dia pasti jatuh cinta. Wajarlah perasaan itu. Itu adalah perasaan yang Allah selitkan dalam hati kita untuk merasakan bahagia dalam menagih cinta-NYA. 

Namun yang ingin dikatakan bukanlah soal cinta jiwang karat tu. Cuma ada satu bayangan bermain dalam minda saya dan menjadi tabiat saya untuk mengilustrisasikannya. 

Perbezaan apabila bercakap mengenai 'cinta' semasa diawal remaja dengan di akhir remaja. 

Kecil kecil dulu bila cakap fasal lelaki tiba tiba rasa malu tak tentu fasal, 

tapi sekarang siap kutuk bagai . Hingga kadang-kadang, 'judge mental' tu terlebih. 

Kecil kecil dulu bila cakap fasal karakter pasangan yang kita nak. Ayat yang selalu kita dengar ''saya suka orang yang macam ni, macam tu and macam macam. 

Tapi sekarang. We speak it so loudly and very obviously. Like this '' aku tak nak yang macam ni. Macam tu pun aku tak nak. Aku nak yang macam ni, macam nun, macam macam. Kiranya, kita dah really realise type apa yang kita nak.

Hati.

Hati, you can not do this to me.
Accept everything in your hand and don't ask more.
Forgive and forget as you hope people can forgive
you for the mistake you make.

Hati, please be strong.
Don't hesitate with the decision you already made.
For each insecure feeling,
please return to Allah,  not anyone else.

HE know what you need.

Hati, please be honest.
To the feeling I had inside.
Sincerity is the hardest things I could give.
I also wondering, why.
so, hati pleased with everything which happen in your life.

To those person who know the one who own this heart. Please forgive her for the mistake she make and for the pain she left for you to feel. Honestly, she doesn't mean to hurt you guys. But if in the journey she went through, she had hurt you and the pain has not gone yet, she really mean sorry.

To mama, ayah, kakak, adik-adik and my friend who I spent most of my time with. I am really sorry. I make blunders and forgive me for the absurdities I have commit. After all the circumstances, I really want to thank you guys for each memory, lesson and advises you had give.

The pain is the only way to go to happiness.

Yang Tergantung Ceritanya.

Sudah dikhabarkan dimuka buku sebentar tadi. Tentang ketidaktenangan hati ini menghadapi hari kedepan sementara masih ada poersoalan yang tak terjawab. Bagi sesetengah pihak, ini adalah perkara remeh yang tak perlu diendahkan. Namun seringkali perkara yang tidak diendahkan inilah yang kelak bakal membawa persoalan terbesar dalam hidup.

Jangan biarkan diri anda menjadi seorang yang 'judge mental'
quotes hanya tinggal quotes. Hakikanya, tak ada seorang manusia pun terlepas dari menghakimi seseorang. Termasuk aku. Tidak aku nafikan, biarpun seringkali aku mengingatkan diri ini. Namun rasukan dan hasutan itu lebih kuat. Insaf akan kelemahan imanku disitu.

Menjadi persoalan dibenak, mengapa mereka memandang aku dengan pandangan yang boleh aku katakan, bahawa mereka seperti melihat sesuatu yang begitu jijik dan menjengkelkan. Mata mereka penuh dengan api kebencian. Anak mata yang hitam menandakan betapa hitam dan gelapnya perasaan mereka pada apa yang dipandang oleh mereka. Sungguh, aku terasa benci mengingatinya.

Cuba dilupakan, tapi tak mampu juga minda ini mengusirnya. Aku sedar, kesakitan seringkali sukar dilupakan. Sedangkan bila bahagia, jarang sekali mengucap syukur. Sesak didada dah tak tertanggung rasa. Maka satu langkah harus kubuka untuk mencari jawapannya. Agar hati ini bisa merasa tenang. Agar bibir ini mampu ukir kata maaf. Moga tiada dendam.

Alasannya, aku ini suka marah tak tentu pasal. Air muka aku memang begini. Senyum sampai ketelinga pun masih ada yang gelar aku garang. Marah aku tentunya bersebab. Cuma aku tak kecoh nak mengumumkannya pada satu warga sekolah. Cukup, hati sendiri menahan pedih. Tapi, huluran maaf aku sampaikan buat yang ada dikelilingku saat api marah membakar diri. Mungkin ada yang terkena tempiasnya sekali dan akhirnya menimbukan rasa benci.

Sedar itu kelemahan aku.

Poyo itu kalau diturutkan mengikut Kamus Dewan Edisi ke-4 ialah handsome.
Aku ini seorang perempuan yang kelak bakal menjadi seorang wanita. Cantik atau tidak, nilailah dengan mata hati, mata kepala, anak mata, bapa mata dan ect. Cuma , poyo itu amat tidak bersesuaian dengan situasi saya.
Jika benar memarahi. Jika benar ada pedih yang saya tinggalkan dihati. Gunalah perkataan yang bersesuaian. Tapi tak mengapalah. Mungkin ketika itu, kamus dewan dirumah mereka hilang, basah , terbakar atau telah bersemadi didalam tong sampah. Entahlah!

Kuasa yang diberikan saya guna seadanya.
Superman mempunyai kuasa, tetapi apakah guna kuasanya itu jika dia tidak menggunakannya untuk menyelamatkan orang ramai. Dari sisi kehidupan saya pula, mungkin mereka tak mengerti prinsip apa yang saya pegang apabila menjawat jawatan sebagai seorang pengawas. Saya sendiri tak pernah berjaya menerangkan bagaimana saya memangdang posisi pengawas dalam hidup saya, jadi saya tak mengharapkan yang lain mengerti.

Cuma dikesempatan ini, saya hanya ingin katakan. Berjuta manusia kita kenal, percayalah.Tak akan pernah ada yang sama seperti kita. Perbezaan pendapat dan perwatakan itu pasti wujud antara kita. Jika sudah diketahui faktanya, mengapa masih bertindak melulu dengan memilih 'aku-benci-dia' sebagai jalan yang terakhir.

Adilkah jika anda membenci saya tanpa saya tahu sebab dan alasannya?

Belajar mengenali dan kemudian menerima. Jika benar tidak suka, diamkan sahaja. Tak perlu tersebar disebar merata dunia. Kerana masih ada sesuatu didalam diri kita yang pasti ada orang tak suka. Jangan rasa apa yang saya rasa. Dan jangan buat orang lain rasa apa yang saya rasa.

Just Silent!

Kadang kadang, aku tak minta diterima,
difahami, dimengerti, atau yang sepentas dengannya.
Aku faham apa yang seringkali kau cuba sampaikan.

Tentang aku dan sikapku.
Tentang aku dan bahasaku.
Tentang aku dan kekasaranku.
Tentang aku dan kelemahanku.

Seringkali, apa yang berlaku diluar dugaan kita semua.

Aku faham niat dan tujuan kau tu.
Aku faham tentang kerisauan kau keatas diriku.
Aku faham tentang perjuanganmu.

Cuma untuk kali ini sahaja.
Lepaskan dan Biarkan.
Apa yang kau fikirkan mungkin sahaja terjadi dan mungkin sahaja tidak.
Engkau adalah apa yang kau fikirkan. Kan?

Kali ini sahaja,
disaat semua sedang kecoh hingga timbul hiruk dan pikuk.
Aku mohon kau tinggal diam.
Aku hadam setiap butir bicaramu.
Cuma kadang kadang, sesuatu itu lebih baik jika tidak diperkatakan.
Bukan kerana sombong,
mungkin hanya kerana 'bukan masa yang tepat untuk mendengar'

Diam itu yang aku dambakan darimu ketika ini.

InsyaAllah, butiran bicaramu akan ku takung dalam cuping telingaku.
Moga yang baik baik sahaja hendaknya nanti.
Yang penting doamu buat diriku.

Aku kunci rapat mulutku dan kuncilah bibirmu.
Agar dapat aku berfikir dengan tenang.

Let bygone be bygone.

I'm growing up and I know all of us are growing up,
It just I am also growing bigger. Senget!

I can't deny that after what happen in my friendship last year,
I always make it different.
I mean, I always curious and I don't know what should I do in front of them.
In simple word, is I feel a bit nervous.
Its like you meet 'someone' you never meet before.

Awkward.

I admit that start over again is such a nervous thing,
but to let it over, is really a bad choice.

If you really love your friendship,
so let your ego down and start everything over again.
It not going to be easy, but Allah know your heart.

Good news come to people who have faith in HIM.

After all,
each friendship will be teased to measure your honesty and sincerity.
We learn from our blunders and be matured.
The maturity teach us to speak with mind not with heart.

So, I am really happy today.
Being honest.
Revealed all the secret.
Some may hurt you but stay strong, because something bigger
awaits you.

Let's forget everything and open a new journal.
Let's open the old box nana.
Let's look at all the 'memorable things' with smile.
Let's take the crack mirror and smile.
Let's start a new chapter of our life.

Until the graduation day. We will all meet with smile of success. If Allah will. Ameen.

The Pale Blue Dot.

How Significant We Are?

Consider again that dot.
That's here, that's home, that's us.
On it, everyone you love, everyone you know,
everyone you ever heard of, every human being who
 ever was live out their lives.

The aggregate of our joy and suffering,
Thousands of confident religious, ideologies
 and economic doctrines.
Every hunter and forager, every hero and coward,
Every creator and destroyer of civilisation,
Every king and peasant, every young couple in love,
Every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer,
Every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician,
Every "superstar", every "supreme leader", every saint and sinner in the history of our species,
Lived there on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam.
There Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena.
Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that,in glory and triumph,
They could become the momentary "masters" of a fraction of a dot.

Think of all the cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one
corner of this pixelon the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner.
How frequent their misunderstandings, 
how eager they are to kill one another,how fervent their hatreds.
Our posturings, our imagined self-importance,
The delusion that we have some privileged position in this universe,
are challenged by this point of pale light.


Our planet is a lonely speck in the enveloping cosmic dark.
In our obscurity, in all this vastness,
There is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves.
The Earth is the only world known so far to harbour life.
There is nowhere else, at least in the near future,to which our species could migrate.

Visit, yes.
Settle, not yet.
Like it or not, 
the Earth is where we make our stand.
It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience.
There is perhaps no better demonstrations of the folly of human
 conceits than this distant image of our tiny world.

To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another.
And to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot,
The only home we've ever known.
Carl Sagan . The pale Blue Dot. 

Color of Girl.

There were lots of story to tell.
And some of them is lies.
But I am growing up and learn not to compromise.
World. I face the fact.
And I really give them a fact.

As time passed.
The period had told me to be truth.
To stay believe our someday will be so bright.
If Allah will.

Today,
you can see me stand in front of you.
Not a new me.
It just the ordinary me with something.
Something that I don't know what is it.

Just telling you that I am not lying.

How bored the story is, it still my story.
How sad the story is, it still mine.
How happy the story is, it still mine.
I own that and I don't tell you lies.

The weakness showed up.

The Urghhh..

I look for the syllabus for first semester,
and I really don't know if one that I found is from the right track or not.
It is very complicated to search the information from google.
So, how hard it will be on me.

I must be more than hard working.
Because things that I will learn is the things which have nothing to do with me back then.
Culture shock?

Owh.

Mad-is-on. Quartet.

Ya Allah please help me to understand the topic.
Ya Allah please forgive me for my sins which 'menghijab' my mind,
from understand this topic.

Allah Almighty.

Topic 1; Major Economic Issue
- The science of Maritime Transport
- The economics particularities of maritime transport
- The major components of maritime transport; ships and marchandises description. Transport companies.
- HR in mt
- Port description, defination, infrastructure
- Main harbour terminal

Topic 2; The International Maritime Market
- The international mrtm mrkt cmpnnt
- The intrntnl mrtm mrkt dtrmnnts - dmnd fctr & supply. Mrtm mrkt equilibrium fctrs.
- The intrntnl labour mrtm mrkt
- The European Legislation in mrtm trnsprt.

Topic 3; Economics Indicators In MT
- Major expenditure in mrtm voyages
- Mrtm freight and payment instrmnts in shipping
- Gnrl indctrs used in MT. Particular technical and economic indicators.
- Cost clcltn methodologies in naval trnsprt.

Topic 4; Maritime Expedition Operational Aspects
- Mrtm cnrcts - main types and provision
- Time sheet and Bill of Lading
- The mngemnt of mrtm cntrts -on board administration
- The mngemnt of mrtm cntrcts - oprtnl aspect ( dcmnts&prcdr)

Topic 5; FLUVIAL TRANSPORTS

Topic 6; The Modern Maritime Transport Techniques

Topic 7;
-Containerization
- Multimodal transport

Interrupted.

It have been a few months.
So sudden terasa nak stalk your facebook.

You are perfect in my eyes!
You are Mr.Right who I ever dream for.

But, we are not meant to be together. Eyuks!

I wish you all the best.
Don't be such a perfectionist.
It will kills the precious thing inside you.

I am telling you. Dari Jauh.

Hailaa Jaiho..
You make me having this miserable feeling.
It should be nice if we can stay as a friend to the last.
But I don't end it good.
You might hate me now.

I know, people judging.
And I know, you are not excepted too.
All the provocation must make you tired
on my lecture, ego, selfishness and my temper right?

Urgh. Miss you badly.

Everything is Possible.

I must study hard.
The war going to start.
If I failed in the war last year.
I just want to make sure.
This time,
I will win! InshaAllah.
With bless from mama and ayah.
and the willingness from Allah.
Nothing is impossible.

Ego.

I am sorry for my big ego.
I cannot say that I am not hypocrite
or say that this is myself.
Because I don't want to use excuses
to face the reality of my weakness.

We need ego.
But not such an exceed-ego

The cause that make me having such a big ego is because..

urghh. I couldn't tell. Hurt much.

Whatever it is,
I really hope that people will not judge me while they
know nothing about me.
I do admit my weakness that is being ego.

Because ego kills everything.

But, if you keep judging.
It doesn't make you better.

Friendship never last, dude!

I will always remember you.
Maybe because we are same.
So, absolutely you are not looking at my appearance.
Hey, it have been a while and today I meet you.

Not everyone is meant to stay forever in your life.
Sometimes, they are only there long enough.
to teach you the lesson you need to learn.

And then someone else come.
To be inspirational and aspirational person.

Haihh..it just so complex and complicated. 

Your Tongue.

What a shame.
It will not bring a bit different at all.
You stay like that and I stay like this.
This will not going work.

Believe me.

In each 'hurtful words' you said.
I keep in my mind.
As a trash. Erk!

Believe me.

In each 'hurtful words' you said.
I was dying in front of you.
I need your help to help me.
But you refuse because you keep telling me.

Believe me.

I know there is no way for me to run.
So, I stop here and no more cries.
I choose to face you.
The teary eyes has gone.

Believe me.

Today, I am bold.
Not bold enough.
But I just don't cry.

Umi once said. 'kalau sedih, keluarkanlah air mata. Itu, terapi air mata..'

Believe me.

Each times you said those hurtful words.
I always look for a way to stay still.
I always praying to Allah,
to give me HIS strength.

I was nothing without HIM, but still I disobey him.

I'm trying to understand, everything.

MTM

What is the matter with the course I choose. 

What is the matter if no one ever grade from there? 

Bukannya tak akan pernah ada, it just NOT YET!

so why bother? 

I respect all your choice and support you for the choice you choose. 

But when it comes to me, 

don't you ever think that it was a little bit harsh. 

I know I am not kinda smart like you but I can do it!

Whatever we do. 

Whatever we take. 

The possibility to success is always there. 

If you stay hard work. 

Paying and have faith in Allah. 

I know I was failed back then. 

When talk about spm, I can't lie myself that it kill my pride, my spirit and ..urghh. 

But I want to do it once again. 

I want to start a new begin. 

A new book. 

A new life.

Life which both of you and me never see and never through. 

Tell me!

Those hurtful words. Yeah..that words. 

Please tell me once again. 

Not once but twice, owh sorry but not twice 

but every time you see me. 

Yeah, each time we meet!

You must say that words to me. 

Let me feel the pain. 

Let me cries to the dead.

I just want to remember because 

I couldn't forget and will never forget!

Those hurtful words. Please tell me.

Doesn't Easy

I can forgive everything but I can not forget. 

Not because I don't want but I can't, I have tried.

Pergilah..

Jangan jadi penghalang aku lagi. Bersama tak semestinya menjamin bahagia. Kali ini, biarlah kau jauh dari aku dan biarlah aku pergi jauh dari ruang masamu. Kerana, ada masa dan ketika. Aku terlalu menginginkan kesendirian yang berpanjangan. Bukan bersendirian dari insan insan, tapi hanya dari kau seorang.

Bukan kerana benci yang menyelaputi sekeping hati ini. Cuma aku tak pasti akan hadirkah yang dulu dalam hidup aku nanti. Aku mungkin berbeza. Berbeza dari yang kau kenal sebelumnya. Kau mungkin akan lebih terluka. Terluka dimamah luka yang kau cipta.

Untuk kali ini. Lepaskanlah aku. Biarkan aku berjalan sendiri. Menggapai matlamat yang telah aku tetapkan. Biarkan kubu yang kubina kali ini lebih mantap. Tolonglah.. biarkan. Lepaskan.

Atur hidupmu dijalan yang berbeza. Apa yang kau lakukan, jangan ikut hati dan jangan ikut akal. Takut akal dan hati sama sama berkomplot. Dengarlah jawapan daripada istikharahmu. Agar jawapannya nanti yang terbaik buatmu. InshaAllah. Mudah-mudahan. Aku sentiasa mengharap yang terbaik untukmu.

Kasih itu tak akan mati. Paling tidak pun, beku menjadi benci. Di musim panas nanti, mungkin dia akan kembali cair menjadi sesuatu yang memberi rahmat.

Yang manis itu sentiasa untuk orang yang sabar.

Untitled

In a few month, kita punya thinking boleh berubah. Ramai yang tanya.

'Dulu hang bukan minat law ke? Jauh benau minat melompat'

Yeah, people know how I want to be a lawyer so badly. And I know how I really wanted to be one since I was in my primary school. As times passed and I am growing up. Things had changed and what happen around us, more less had give us a little view of what will come in future.

And from my point of view, I saw something that told me not to be a lawyer.

I do love lawyer thing, but I love to leave everything that have something with me and start with something new. Something that never in my mind before. Something that I never think about. Something that I never expect. So, I really put my hope to that super something.

But the most important thing is the 'nekad' to change our behavior and fix the mission.

InshaAllah. 

Untitle

Alhamdulillah, my friend Amalyna Ramlas has been arrived safely from Tanah Haram. I really envy her. Got to be there in the young age, is such a big nikmat that everyone should be thankful for. But things doesn't always happen like what we listed. Right?

After all. I pray the best for all.

Inai dijari masih merah. Ahh..feel like want to get married la pulak.
Hadeshh, merepek tahap petala ke lapan.

Yerterday,
FRIENDS GATHERING

I will be the first one who continue studies among my friend. I might not meet them for such a long period and I don't know if I am able to meet them again, just like we were always done back then.

I know everything will be different after this. Nothing will be like before. New book. New stories and a new chapters of life. Everyone will get busy with their own path of life. At that moment, are we can still meeting each other or maybe 'bertanya khabar'.

I will miss all those days. Crazy things work out!!

Aww. Aww =.=

To my fourth man;

we start it with ala ala filem hindustan and the best of it

is I am Malay and you are Chinese and we are in Hindustan scene. 

I was laughing each time I thought about that. 

Even you are the fourth, but you are the first one who make my tears down

because of the miserable feeling inside this heart yang berkocak maha hebat.
The most hurtful part is, I don't know the reason why I should

nangis gila gila for the reason that I wasn't sure.

I called it mengadaness symptom and that was my Zaman Gelap. 

After all, you stay in my heart quite long. Jaihoo!!

From me'

Aww. Aww =.=

To my third man;

you are such a loyal man but I love it if we can stay as a friend

From me'

Aww. Aww =.=

To my Second man;

It is so ridiculous that I can fall for you.

I never ask for, but the feeling was just there and I feel so

malu malu kucing each time I bumped up with you. 

Then you left the school and I suddenly feel very very happy

because in my mind, I was thinking to love another man. 

As you already have your own lover, so I do not want to make a single crack. 

From  me'

Aww. aww =.=

To my first man;

I know that we never will get along together. 

I just want to say thank you for all the moment we spent together. 

The bitterness always there is each relationship but I 

always remind myself that our relationship begins with such a 

romantic comedy. 

And I have a reason to smile each time I miss you. 

From me;

Sedap kot minum kopi

You are not my cup of tea and otherwise.
so, behave yourself my dear old friend!

Walk,walk

I miss the way I used to walk. I exercise everyday by walking. To restroom. To teachers room. To lab or to canteen. There were so much cause which need me to walk. But as you can see, after I becoming a 'penganggur terhormat' it feel different. No more exercise. My neck semakin berlapis. Oh no!!! 

I hate to admit it! The truth. 

I really want to reach 01052013 very quickly. I cannot stand for more days. 

I need a long distance walk. 

Urm. Babbling. Babbling

Sometimes terasa like I want to merepek meraban until crazy gila-gila. 

Sometimes tak tahu pun apa sebenarnya yang I try to perkatakan. 

Sometimes I don't know the meaning behind all my words. 

Sometimes something just don't feel right because they are not at their place. 

Sometimes it is not about me but the people around me. 

Sometimes it is not about the happiness that I seek but the present that I miss.

Sometimes there is no phrase because it just a little word...

Novel. Take 3

"I always envy you for what you have and you don't know how I always think that it must be awesome if I am at your place. You are beautiful, intelligent, gorgeous, full of confident and the most important thing is you always know what you want. I really want to be your friend since my first day here but seem like it will never happen right? Look, Hanez. Janganlah disebabkan seorang lelaki, kita nak bertelagah. Malulah. Kalau dia tak dapat nak appreciate diri you that is mean, you deserve a better person who will love you at your weakness and the one who doesn't ask you change your appearance if you want to date him! And just to let you know and pin this i your mind; I have no feeling towards him. He is not my cup of tea. But, but if he have feelings for me, then I cannot do anything and you must talk to him by your own. Because I am tired warning him that I don't like him harassing me and treat me like his girlfriend. I am sorry for my harsh words and I am sorry if you think it is my fault. But to be honest, I have someone in my heart who I will marry him after I finish my study here!!"

Sofea berlalu pergi meninggal Hanez yang masih tegak berdiri didalam sepatu merahnya. Sepatu merah yang ada dalam filem Semerah Cinta Steletto.

Trying to fool me?

I went to Petronas to top up my credit. One out of two staff at the cashier told me that top-up is already sold out. But suddenly the other stuff interrupt my conversation with her friend. She ask me

'nak top-up celcom ke?' 

I nodded.
I gave her RM10 note. 

I got in my car and sent Kimi to his school for night class. I keep waiting and waiting but there is no message from Celcom, which will tell me that I have reloaded. 

I ask mam to go back to the Petronas and I met that staff and her face look pale. I ask her; 

"awak dah top up ke belum?"
"dah tadi. saya share"

'kepala hotak awak. Saya nak topup, bukan nak share dengan awak' Dalam hati je. Control sabar. 

I showed the message that I received from 10130000000 and they said I only get RM1. And from there I already know that she is trying to fool me. Wrong person dear..
I ask her to give me another RM9 (in credit). 

After I get RM10, so just I blah.
So to all of you. Don't believe in anyone and don't put your trust in anyone. Beli je kad, gores sendiri. 

Bel.

Saya rasa kecewa bila sedar ada some people cuba mempergunakan apa yang ada pada saya demi kepentingan mereka. Jangan ingat aku tak tahu apa yang ada dalam otak anda (yang ditujukan) disana. Tentu anda ingat saya ni dapat memudahkan urusan anda kan? Tapi itu hanya akan berlaku jika saya berkata YA. 

Now my answer is NO. 

Sedih tak awak rasa? Puih..saya tak kisah ok. 

'I never close to you but I wonder why you give me a call so sudden and ask me to hang out with you?' 

Adakah -materialistik- itu sudah menjalar dalam sistem sistem imunisasi manusia diseluruh dunia? 

Aku bengang!

Hipokrit kau tak bertempat

Memanglah awak tak hipokrit, tapi benda yang salah tak boleh nak kata betul dan benda yang hitam tak boleh nak dikata putih. Kan?

Sama juga bila tiba bab 'why masih ada wanita islam tak bertudung'. Katanya tak sampai seru. Tapi dekat akhirat nanti, boleh ke cakap dengan Allah, waktu kat dunia, seru tak sampai lagi.
Rule tetap rule.

sama juga bila kita buang air.

Kau nak buang air, buanglah. Tak ada siapa pun kisah tapi kalau kau buang merata-rata tempat, nak nak pula dekat public. Memang kena seranah lah kau.

Bila kau sendiri yang tak nak ubah perangai. Jangan gunakan alasan 'saya-tak-hipokrit'.

The Past

Past cannot hurt anybody

but past hurt me so many times, over and over again. a little word..

The Perfect Smile

When she smile, doesn't mean that she is happy. 

When she smile, doesn't mean that she has no problems. 

When she smile, doesn't mean that she live her life perfectly.

I have seen some people like that and 

either we notice or not, 

sometimes we live that life for some un-logical cause. 

To those who life this life, I wish you

all the best and just remember one thing. 

Allah is always with you and there is something is waiting for you =)

KP. Final Part

07 April 2013
Today half day sahaja.

Hari ni, dia lalu lagi depan booth aku. Rasanya aku tak pernah nampak dia lalu lalang kat sini sepanjang tiga hari ni, tapi entah kenapa, mungkin hari ini dia salah jalan agaknya.

Taukey THC bagi aku choc free. yang seringgit lapan puluh sen tu---bangga gila--- Gila!

Tiba tiba dapat gelaran Faralofa dari Erra. Entah apa agaknya yang ada dalam otak dia pun aku tak tahu. Tapi tak kisahlahkan, yang penting both of us happy happy sahaja.

Ambil gaji.

Then aku blah.

Sampai rumah, aku rasa macam nak wachaa je badan sendiri, sebab lenguhnya bukan kepalang.

The End.

KP. Part Two

06 April 2013

Sebenarnya aku rasa ralat. Sepatutnya hari Sabtu ni aku perlu menghadiri Young Writer Awards Ceremony which held at Marriot Hotel Putrajaya. Hurmm..at least I want to taste it. I mean the feeling when we're on the stage. Even just walking on it. Herghh Gila.

THC. The Historical Chocolate .

I don't know why recently I keep meeting with someone who relate with my life. Bukanlah dari all edge but sometimes it was there. Herghh lagi gila!

Best dapat makan coklat free THC, uhuii free lah sangat!! Wallet aku yang mulanya berkepuk tinggal berhabuk je sebab THC tu.

Bila bosan menunggu kedatangan pelanggan yang tak muncul muncul yang boleh diibaratkan seperti, 'untung sabut timbul, untung batu tenggelam', aku pun buat lah kawan. Sememangnya itu sahaja yang boleh dilakukan ketika kebosanan mencapai tahap giga byte.

Credit to kawan kawan Usrah * TakafulIkhlas.

Kak Nadia, Kak Aida, Kak Mira, Kak Nona, Kak Melly and Kak-I-dont-know-her-name, yang sanggup berkongsi cerita. Sharing lah sangat. At least tak adalah bosan tahap gaban kan. And thanks juga pada mereka, sebab tanpa mereka, tak adalah yang me'market'kan produk aku. Sibok je meka. Haha!

When night came;
Erra, Aina, Kak Wan and Kak Odah 'hang in' bilik aku. 616. Angkasa Hotel.
Tengah tengah malam dok lantak KFC, manalah berat badan aku tak naik, kalau dah melahap tengah malam macam tu. Tapi nak tolak, macam tak enak. So, untuk sedapkan hati semua, maka aku makan sahaja. Terima kasih daun keladi Kak Wan.

Erra and Aina spent their night with me. * in ( )-- temankan aku tido--

Promise.

Jangan berjanji, jika janji itu tak dapat ditepati. Cheh..nak bagi konon. I tahulah you manyak duit. You fikir I kisah ke? Yang penting I tak bebankan diri I sendiri.

Tapi kerana kasih, ditrutkan juga permintaan itu kan?

Kita selalu begitu. Mungkin dilahirkan untuk menjadi seperti itu. Entahlah. Segala rahsia itu hanya diketahui oleh Yang Maha Esa sahaja. Atas dasar kasih, sayang, hormat, cinta, intan payung, sahabat dan yang sewaktu dengannya. Kadang kala kita turutkan sahaja idea gila yang tak segila mana tu. Padahal hati terasa berat yang amat.. so hargailah kawan kawan anda. 

NST. Forth.

Entah kenapa, kali ni terasa touching dengan karya sendiri. Lantak korang lah nak kata aku prasanta ke, apa ke. Aku tak kisah. Yang lebih penting ialah apa yang aku rasa.

Thanks to NST (up; schooltimes) sebab sudi take my poet. Hehee. 

NST. School Times, Issue 53

Friend, 

we had go through so many things together, 

Its like I can write a story about our journey, 

from the first time I met you, 

I never thought that we will going this far, 

I never thought that we will share secrets together. 

As you know, 

I am not good in treating people as I am a cold person, 

but that does not mean that I hate you or I am ignoring you. 

It just about I do not know how to show my love to you. 

Sometimes, things unexpected happen 

causing the cracks in our relationship. 

You are not like before and I not like a friend you know before. 

Time passes and people change. 

believe me that I never blame you for this changes because 

I do believe everything happen for a reason. 

The pain that hurt inside me will recover as the time passed 

and I do hope that the pain inside your heart will be recover one fine day. 

I know, its hard to accept but its harder to delete something that we know we can't. 

Actually, this is part of learning process . 

We learn from the blunders and be better,

We learn that sometimes things not going just like what we wish

We learn that peoples have their own role in this world so don't neglect them, 

and we learn about the future that we define today. 

This year had create so many memory as this is the final relic

to be told to the next generation

Yes, stepping to the other new life is scary, 

but being a coward is not the solution. 

For the past 3 years I am with you for any situation, 

and this year is the last year for me to accompany you. 

After this, I might absent in your life as things never meant to be permanent. 

I need to do my things and you need to manage yours, 

I need choose my path and you need to choose yours, 

I need to struggle to achieve my success and you need to achieve yours, 

But this does not mean that I want to decides this friendship, 

it just I scared that we will not meet again after this. 

but don't worry buddies cause

I will always wish all the best for you, 

We might meet again if we are meant to meet each other, 

if things not like what we expect than always remember

that you always in my heart as you are in my du'a everyday, 

But always remember that you will always be my friend in hereafter. 

Be good

Be strong

Be healthy 

and go through this final relic with joys and peace. 

KP. part One

Sahaja berkongsi cerita.

Kanival Pendidikan ni diadakan pada setiap tahun. And tahun ni tak seperti tahun tahun sebelumnya. Back then I just a visitor but this present year, I am a worker. Kerja part time dengan Kak Wan, jual komik and novel.

The best part is not because aku dapat free shabu shabu bag or dapat baca novel or komik free sebab memang tak sempat pun aku nak baca komik tu semua. Novel je aku sempat curi curi baca sikit, tapi macam tak sedap lah kan. Yelah, komik and novel tu kan Kak Wan beli untuk niaga. Nanti kalau aku baca percuma, rugilah dia.

Terima baik orang pun kena berpada pada. Takut nanti orang tak suka.

05 April 2013

First time kerja dengan Kak Wan, Kak Odah, Erra and Aina memang best. Kak Wan banyak keluar. Ronda kot. Entah kemana, aku pun tak tahu. Yang ada hanya Kak Odah, Erra and Aina. Aina banyak diam. Mungkin sebab dia tak berapa nak sihat, so itu bermakna aku tak berapa nak kenal dia sangat lah kan.

Compare to Aina. Erra lebih banyak bercakap dengan aku. Tapi aku a little bit kesian lah pada Erra sebab she need to repeat everything twice to me sebab aku tak faham slag Ganu dia.

Malam tu mama datang dengan adik adik.Sahaja.

Malam tu juga dapat berita dari Mak Long. Pakwek ada blood cancer. Siri cerita pakwek dan hospital yang selama ni menjadi tanda tanya kami sekeluarga akhirnya terjawab dengan result yang dikeluarkan oleh Doktor-I-dont-know-her-name.

Kanser atau barah adalah sejenis penyakit yang belum dapat dikenalpasti samada ia boleh dikatogarikan sebagai penyakit keturunan ataupun tidak. Namun ramai yang mengatakan bahawasanya, penyakit kanser ini adalah penyakit keturunan.

Mungkin kami patut lebih berhati hati, kerana mangsa seterusnya masih dalam kalangan kami. Mudah mudahan yang terbaik untuk semua.

Majlis terakhir pada malam itu adalah persembahan daripada TS-band.

Novel. Take 2

"Kau tak kisah ke Mikail take over company apak kau Sofea?" .Erra.

"Sampai satu tahap, hati aku dah beku. Just let it go. Tak rugi menda pun lah" . Sofi

"Tak rugi kau kata. Company buat duit trillions a year, kau kata tak rugi. Haish..dah tu, kau nak further apa?" .Erra.

"Field yang aku minat lah mangkok!" Sofi. 

"Hayun kau Sofi" Erra.

Serentak itu Sofi melarikan diri dari tangan Erra yang hampir melekap dibelakangnya. Selenga itu budak. Dalam pada mereka berkejaran, hati Sofea sedikit terusik. Hatinya asyik berbisik kata jahat yang akhirnya nanti hanya membawa dukacita dihati Sofea. Hatinya cuma berdetik

 ' siapalah yang tak sayang posisi CEO tu Ra. Dah sah sah lah aku ni the one and only child yang dia ada but he treat me like I am not exist at all. Nak cakap apa pun tak boleh. Apak lebih percayakan Mikail. Pedih rasanya hati ni. Tak mengapalah. Suatu hari nanti, aku akan buktikan pada apak yang aku juga mampu jadi lebih hebat dari apak. Aku akan launch my own company one day. Shipping barangkali. Entahlah apak, kau tunggu sahajalah kebangkitan anakmu ini'

Terledak tawa Sofea dengan mata yang berair biarpun tak tumpah. Sengaja dia lajukan lariannya, supaya Erra tak nampak. 

Derita oh derita. 

bersambung....

Novel. Take 1

Dari Ladies room, derap langkah Sofea menjadi kacau dan bilau. Jalannya sudah tak tentu arah. Matanya melilau mencari seseorang dari ribuan manusia yang membanjiri expo sempena KCT. Kunci bilik hotel dipegang erat, kukuh dan teguh. 

Bibir Sofea mengukir senyum bila melihat seorang lelaki yang hampir separuh abad berbual dengan rakan rakannya barangkali. Lelaki itu dihampiri. Dalam lorat Kelantan. "Apak, Sofea bocor la apak. Macam mana ni?". Mata lelaki itu tajam menikam. Air mukanya yang lembut bertukar bengis secara tiba tiba. 
"Kau ni betul lah, asal tak prepare awal awal?" Dijerkahnya Sofea ditengah sesak manusia. 

Entah berapa ramai manusia disekeliling yang memandangnya ketika itu. Dicuba tahan air mata itu. Dicuba tahan dan tak setitis pun yang keluar. Tiada jawapan dari Sofea, cuma dia berlalu dari apaknya. Memusingkan badannya kearah pintu keluar. 

Kakinya semakin laju. Semakin laju mengikut rentak jantungnya yang terasa sebu. Hatinya bermonolog 'aku datang kepada apak, kerana aku ingat apak mampu menjadi pelindung aku. Tapi nyata aku salah. Yang mampu melindungi aku hanyalah diri aku dan pemilikku sahaja. Allah. Jika apak sendiri tak mampu menjadi pelingdung aku, inikan pula lelaki lelaki lain dalam dunia ini. Jika apak sendiri tak betah dengan aku, inikan pula lelaki lain. Mungkinkah lebih baik jika aku tak berlaki suatu hari nanti?'

bersambung...

Hari masih ada,
cuma tak tahu sampai bila.
Berdenyut denyut kepala
memikirnya.
Entah yang bagaimana lagi,
harus dikerjkakan agar
masalah tak mengejar lagi.

Timbunan deduri menusuk,
dari setiap sudut menyerang
sakit yang tak kepalang.

Berdarah jiwa kering air mata.
monolog dan dialog dah tak
kedengaran.
Yang ada hanya sepi.
Sepi susana
Sepi jiwa.

Kaki melangkah laju.
Derap langkah tak menjadi utuh.
Lalu..
kabur mata, gelap jiwa.
Ahh..entah dimana. 

sometimes

you know that I want to stay young forever and ever. Right?

.

Bukan hati tak terusik bila dia cakap macam tu pada saya, cuma saya tak nak hampakan harapan dia untuk membuat saya mendengar apa katanya. Bukan saya sengaja, cuma kadangkala hati ni perlu dikeraskan untuk menanggung segala kepedihan tu. Ia tak mudah dan tak pernah mudah. Tapi kalau dia rasa dengan menambahkan kepedihan itu hati saya akan menjadi tenang, maka tiada apa yang perlu saya lawankan. 

Hidup itu memang begini. Sentiasa merasakan 'tak patut', namun dalam keadaan yang sangat samar samar, kita tak tahu pun apa yang sedang kita lakukan. 

Bila dalam hati dah berbuku rasa marah dan sebal, ia buat kecamuk dalam minda. Saat tak ada yang tepat diatas landasan, semuanya jadi huru hara. Everything!!

Maka yang tinggal hanyalah sedikit rasa sabar yang masih bersisa. 

sedikit bicara..