Are you doing fine there?

Somehow, I am thinking about you

a little bit too much today.

and I just wanted to know,

if you're okay.

I thought I was doing fine.

I thought I am doing a right thing.

I thought this is the best for all.

I thought a little sacrifice would be fine.

things gonna end, by the way.

but, I guess I was wrong.

My body start reacting when I try to ignoring

my mental and emotional distress.

I was tired, all the time.

I had difficulties to sleep at night.

frequent headache.

throwing up.

lost appetite.

sore throat.

and for having all that,

I have stop laughing.

I have stop feeling happy.

I have stop experience sadness.

I just can't process my feelings.

perhaps, just like me, 

my feeling must has gotten confuse

but that's our biggest mistake.

we think emotional distress hurt less,

than physical abuse.

Make people happy

If earth is just a small dot in universe that Allah has created beautifully for us,

it means that, the world I have seen, places I have been,

it's not even 1% of the universe. MasyaAllah

and I was thinking of what have I done for twenty three years of living.

I have hurt many hearts,

I have been a very bad daughter to my parents,

a very unreliable sister to my siblings,

a very selfish person to my friends,

a very rude students to my teachers,

and a pain in my team.

so imagine, if I can travel to all over that small dot,

how much damage I will cause,

how many hearts I will harm?

and, even so

Allah still sending beautiful souls to me,

to accompany me

along my roughest way

and what did I ever do to receive their kindness in return?

what did I ever do that Allah reward me with those kind of people in my life

and I know,

only by saying that I am grateful is not enough,

only by assuring myself by saying that I will love them is not enough,

I must act upon my words,

hence, I am trying my very best

to not be someone's else pain.

and

for making people happy,

I hope, my children would not experience my pain.

I hope, there will always good people besides them.

because I know, 

no matter how much I wanted to protect them,

there will be the day, I'll need to leave them.

p/s: Dear my future children, please know this, mummy has missed you, long before you are born.

Surat buat ayah

Moga Tuhan redakan hatimu yang marah,

Moga Tuhan lembutkan hatimu yang dingin,

Moga Tuhan alirkan kasih rindu,

yang dipanjat kami semata untukmu.

Tuhan,

jagakan dia disaat kami tak bisa bersama,

jagakan dia saat kami jauh dari mata,

ingatkan padanya Tuhan,

bahawa kami masih cinta,

ingatkan padanya Tuhan,

cinta takkan bisa terlupa

Tuhan,

lihatkanlah dia disaat hati menjauh,

lihatkanlah dia disaat mata dibuta telinga ditulikan

Tuhan,

meski sejauh mana dia membawa diri,

sampaikan kepadanya,

kami pohon

dia kembali

B= PE x E

Let's disclose an equation where;

B = Behavior

E = Environment

PE = Personal Effort

According to dictionary,

behavior is define as the way,

in which, one acts,

or conducts oneself,

especially towards others.

While personal effort is,

an individual determination,

in the process of achieving its goal.

Environment is defined as

the surroundings or conditions,

in which a person, animal, or plant,

lives and operates.

Let's put (PE) on y-axis
and (E) on x-axis

(you gonna need high imaginary skill for this post, haha!)
go take your paper and draw!!

If your Personal Effort (PE) is low, 

but environment (E) is good,

you still go, no where.

you still down there, clipping your own wings.

If your Personal Effort (PE) is high,

but environment (E) is not good,

you are still on the high ends,

ready to fly

It will still bring you to somewhere high.

The conclusion is,

It is not about what environment you are in,

but how, you adapt yourself,

in such situation.

Tho I agree with the equation,

I also strongly believe,

that we must create such good environment,

in order for us to work to our best momentum.

and it will be good, 

if we could excel in both condition.

If today, you are an employee.

It's okay to start now.

To start accepting your environment

as part of your life.

It's okay to accept that

this is the environment you couldn't change

overnight by your own.

For by only accepting your situation,

you can identify the core problem,

and just focus on your self betterment.

If today, you are an employer.

People are willing to help you expanding your empire,

if and only if you give the sense of belonging to them.

If they feel belong, they will work harder than you asked,

they will give more than you ever imagine,

because they feel belong.

and no one, wanna do harm, to something that they belong.

Let's try hard everyone.

and may in every small steps taken.

Allah will count it,

as an effort.

When someone in pain

and when someone in pain,

you couldn't mock their pain.

that's the rule,

everyone should root in their head.

how many people have been hurt,

just because of our words?

just because we couldn't see the

relevance and logic of what they're going through

and very often,

we think that their pain is smaller than us,

we think that their pain less matter than ours,

we think that they shall cope it better,

we think they should just stop being childish,

but dear,

things are easy when we are not in the shoes,

when we are not the one experiencing,

but things gonna be different, if we were at their place,

it's normal if we couldn't understand one's pain

in a whole,

it's logical if we couldn't help everyone in pain,

it's okay.

what's not okay,

if we mock their pain.

if we couldn't be any help,

at least, do not be the caused

of one getting more sting

on their painful wound.

Someone in pain

Someone asked me,

how did I cope with my pain?

How do I endure this

without crying?

.

Darling, 

the thing is,

I cried.

I admit

that I was in pain.

I admit

that I was not okay.

I admit

that things was hard for me.

I cried.

a lot,

that I can take shower with

my own tears.

but darling,

once is enough.

If you are tired

of something,

it's okay to

admit it.

you need to rest too.

But make sure

that you make

a come back.

why?

because you matter

Let yourself struggle

I guess it true.

Since week one,

I have say nothing

but to stop.

to discontinue

my internship.

life getting tougher,

that I can no longer bear.

but as time slowly passed,

it will eventually pass,

and now,

I am already half of the way.

I proud of myself,

for struggle,

for bearing the pain well.

In a second thought,

I know this pain,

this test,

is not as much as 

what others might experience,

and I should be thankful,

that Allah give me this test.

It shows that He believe

that I can handle this much.

So, if He believe in me,

why not I, believe in myself?

And of course,

I am going to be happy

about this later on,

and thanking everyone,

who convince me

to stay from the start

So I will be positive from now on.

Instead of looking how farther

I need to go,

I will focus on how far,

I have went.

Can you really let go of someone you really love?

I thought only those who fall out in love broke up,

because I never knew that we are capable of letting go

of someone we really love, for love,

for letting go, is also love.

but if it were you,

if it was me,

will we,

letting go of hands,

we really love?

if we do,

then for what reason will it be?

One sided love is also love

Our hearts play a major role in our life, 

and without we even realize it, 

it is the most mysterious part in our body 

that we can't even explain it 

with science nor math.

Mostly, what we feel is beyond our control,

because everyone reacts differently towards one particular matter.

What is okay for me may not be okay for you.

What seem wrongs to you might be right for me.

What you hate might be one that I like.

Complicated isn't it?

because we have no answer scheme for that one particulars matter,

because the answer will be so different to one another.

that it makes it more complicated for one to make a decision.

but for all feelings that beyond our control,

for all the feelings we are powerless to,

let it flow.

but remember, for all that powerless, we can at least control one thing,

-- control our act towards the feeling --

one sided love is also love.

one sided love is also genuine and sincere.

just because it's one sided love,

doesn't mean it less pure. no.

but we all know the amount of pain

one shall bear when he/she decided to be in one sided love

we all know that we will only getting hurts at the end

because one sided love never have a solo win.

but that's the thing.

sometimes, you must learn how to let go.

you must learn how to accept the fact, 

that there is one person who can love him//her more than we do,

and their love to each other matter too.

so when it's time to give in, leave.

let people be happy.

so God will make you happy later.

do not wish harm for people.

so God will forbid any harm on you.

however, do not cuss on those with one sided love.

they are a lover too.

they are a fighter too.

they wanted to be loved too.

and if they can't be loved, 

at least they deserve to love too.

so, be kind.

for

one sided love, is also, love.

Of one box strawberry I gave away

It was Thursday for weekly night market near my office.

I was out of office the whole day to Putrajaya and Ampang to settle some matter.

When I returned, I straightly go to fruits and vegetables stall,

because the uncle sell fresh fruits from Cameron, 

and I have been thinking about strawberries since last week.

There is only four boxes left and uncle give me cheaper price

if I take all, so I said yes to the offer.

While uncle was putting y strawberries in the plastic,

one guys came in rush and take one box of my unpacked strawberry,

uncle said "no, it's bought already by this lady"

The man was going to left before I called him back,

"do you want one?"

"is it okay for you? seriously?" he asked.

"I already had three. Go ahead" so he took the offer and paid for the strawberry.

he left after he thank me.

What if she loves my husband?

It has been nearly two months since I moved to Shah Alam, 

and it takes me thirty to forty minutes to office and

forty to one hour to go back home.

And of course most of the time, I was alone in the car, 

except for if I need to pick up my sister at her Uni.

so, I keep wander about things, 

about all what if(s),

about what is possibly happen in life, 

what might other people may experiencing, 

a lot of things. 

and I love to dialogue with my own self.

so, one day, I was thinking about this scenario, 

what if, someone says that she loves my husband? 

(ofc, not now, I'm not yet married, and not yet have any candidate)

The first thing first, 

I would go to my husband, 

behaving myself, 

controlling my suspicious, 

and prepare myself to face the worst.

but of course LISTEN.

and after that,

I throw out all questions I had in my head, 

that has running wild for a while, 

and there --

I will believe my husband words and clear up the suspicious

because if it wasn't me to believe my husband,

who else would.

(of course, with a concrete evidence) 

I won't blindly believe his story like a fool.

be moderate in everything.

then, 

I will not make a fuss and let her had feelings for my husband, 

while praying very hard so that Allah fade her feelings away,

and grant her someone who could love her 

as sincere as she loves my husband.

If you breaking up

What a beautiful journey that you have been through together.

The days were passing with blossoming love.

Everything seems doable and possible when you are in love.

All the pain was washed away and happiness fills your longing heart.

You promise, despite those weakness, you will stay strong for each other.

However, you were bound to see the end of the relationship.

You know that no one thing will be exactly the same.

You know that your love will end.

You heart is no longer fluttering and your heart is filled with hatred and not in ease.

Being together does no longer relieve the stress but pressuring to the end limit.

and so, you decide to end a relationship.

It's perfectly fine.

Because since the first time, the only thing been agreed upon is to know each other,

and when you two realize that both of you can no longer carry the weight of love,

it's understandable if both of you parted your way out.

However, what is wrong with it, is your attitude towards your ex(s) after breaking up.

Regardless of what the reason is, you were once happy with that person.

So, it was not right to add more pain or to give more pain when you already breaking up.

and the most faultiness things to do is for you to shame your ex(s) to public.

to tell everyone that it was one sided wrong doings is actually wrong,

to try so hard in proving that you wasn't had any responsible of what's going wrong is wrong

just keep it to yourself.

why hurt each other more and more.

no matter what is the reason of you breaking up,

just remember that for once in your life, 

you were happy with that person,

sincerely & genuinely,

so it wasn't right at all, to brag to others about your ex(s),
(who practically doesn't says a thing about you)
to other people who do not even know you two from the start.

Be respectful.
At least, that's the last favor you can do for someone who once meaningful in life.

One day, while I was talking to a friend about how man and woman can decide to love one another, to spend the rest of their life with that one person who you got no option not to see his/her faces after getting marry besides divorce which none of us ever wanted it at the first place, he said this to me; 

"If you love a man, do not ever make them feel comfortable around you like a friend"

and I was like, "seriously man? doesn't every relationship starts with friendship?" I ask. He nods half heartedly and then continue to shake his head hardly. I ask him why boys think like that and he continue with shrugging his shoulders. Hump, not helping in any way, at all. I ate my melting ice cream while he's focusing on his. why on earth did I met him as a friend?

When I go back to my room, putting down all my stuff under my table before safely landed on my half-comfy four inch bed, I think about our conversation earlier, why girl shouldn't treat a boy like a friend when you want him to like you back. Basically, I still didn't get the answer but maybe because they didn't find it interesting as they can talk to us like his other male friend, does it?

but I still believe in love that start from friendship. You know why? because I find it beautifully. Just imagine, two bestfriend fall in love with each other, getting to know each other better and better each year, completing all weakness that was known even before the marriage happen, how sweet is that?

starting with kau-aku and ended up as awak-saya or even sweeter for marriage couple, abang-sayang (I cringe writing this one, haha) 

Nobody cares if you're broken

When people come to me

with their problems,

I tried to be someone

who I wished to

be with me when I am down.

I tried to be someone

who help people

as much as I hope

people would help me.

That's why I believe

in kindness.

because kindness

will always find

its way back to you.

but I am not yet

find that kind

of person

There is no one

specific number,

that I can call anytime anywhere,

to talk about everything and

absolute nothing.

So, I tried to console myself.

I coax myself.

I need to get use to it.

I shall done things alone.

--

that's why,

I choose me,

as my own,

company.
--

but maybe,
no one ever be enough for another,
just like no one ever satisfy me,
maybe me too, is failed to satisfy others as well

Untitled

Sometimes you

make me feels

like I actually

have chance

with you

But when

I'm taking the chance,

you make me realize,

that I,

never really did.

It sure is

Life is a little bit tougher since the beginning of 2018 which makes me miss 2017 even more because that's the best year I ever had so far, but of course, there is always something special in each year throughout twenty three years of living this life.

From January to March, I have been moving out/in from/to new house. Yesterday is my third and I hope that will be my last for at least the next three months. After all, I am moving to the same house of my sister's, and of course we're sharing room together, just like the old times.

I thought it was only in the beginning, but things just get rougher. This is absolutely not what I plan for 2018. I guess, this is life I should get through for the first half, let's wait and look what will happen on the second half. May Allah bless :)

Untitle

Kita diuji atas sebab.

There must be a reason.

Sekecil apa pun ia, mesti ada.

Sama ada to increase our faith in him, 

untuk menilai tahap kebergantungan kita

terhadap Dia, 

atau 

sebagai punishment/kifarah atas dosa-dosa kita.

Remember when we were young, 

kita selalu dimomokkan dengan 

disiplin ilmu yang mana, 

kalau kau buat jahat hari ni, 

esok anak kau akan buat jahat yang sama pada kau. 

but of course, this won't explain everything as a whole,

but it's true right. 

Now that we are growing up, kita dah mula nampak 

setiap satu perbuatan kita, mula datang kepada kita.

sebab tu aku pening kepala. 

sebab when He tested me, 

I don't know whether it is to increase my faith or to punish.

sebab our reaction for both of it will be different -- i think 

(please, please correct me)

For example; 

I had bad temper when I was young, erm of course I'm still young today, 

but I mean when I was younger, I had temper and it was pretty bad.

I put my effort to tame it, to improve myself to a better version of me, 

I focusing on my betterment and now, my temper has slowly cools down.

I like, really cool now, ya know. 

And now, I am working with a supervisor who had such temper and worst moody type.

He treats me according to his mood and worst, he's too lazy that he even ask me to throw 

the rubbish for him.

Now I was like, confused. Because now I experience what I ever made others to experience,

and yeah, it feels bad and now I feel bad!! That's why, I have decide to face it all, 

because I think I deserve it, because I think I shall be punish for it, so I let it be.

But as time passed, I eventually feels like this is too much. 

I feel like this is not my problem! the problems comes from my supervisor who doesn't know

how to control his emotion. And I feel like Allah wanted to tell me something, 

that I must fight, that I must change this situation - not complaining all the time.

so I feels like challenge him by withdrawing myself from the company, because this will affect their reputation as corporate company, but I do not want to do that, because both of the bosses are kind to me.

I just don't know. 

If you had any idea or opinions, feel free to drop on comment box!

p/s: //

of cold and cold

I remember being so cold to boys. Even if I know they are kind and has helped me a lot, still, I treated them like a stranger. I treated them harsh. (but I don't think it was harsh at all, it just my tone, yes, my tone is a little bit high when talking to boys) -- obviously there are stories I didn't tell out loud, but yeah, things like that happened.

but today, whenever I am cold. I am this kind of cold. Hahha. I am funny, I can make jokes, I can make friends, of course both girls and boys. I care less about what people talk about me (but I am so infamous, no one knows me, what would they talk about me? hhaha) I relieved that I managed to tame my temper, I am glad that my heart was soften, but sometimes, I must admit that I miss my old self, who practically aware of everything, who put her defense up high so no one can cross the line, and no one can hurt me.

but that's the thing about life, it full of surprises we never think of. When the wall I built crushed down, my world seems brighter. It full of colors. I could see things in many different perspective. I rarely get hurt. Even if I am, it never feel as tough as when I was twelve. I am glad it happens, even I miss the old me -- sometimes.

of mama and my secrets

 Last Friday, after work, I went to Selayang, staying at homestay booked by my aunt. My mom, pakwek and pak usu (with his kidsss) arrived not too long after me. The purpose is pakwek will be warded, he had an operation on Monday, so he'll need to register by Saturday. 

After he's warded in the morning. My mom and I accompanied him until six o'clock in the evening, when my uncle arrived from Melaka to take his turn. 

As long as I remember, I never ever had opportunities to be alone with my mother. So that twenty four hours we spend together is really meaningful for me. I am being more honest and sincere with my feelings and I told her everything that I have kept inside. The one thing about family and love stories.

She finally knows about my unrequited love stories and she's proud of me, because I look things positively, that I am not being obsess for the sake of love. And she compliment me for being matured enough to let go and accept the fact that Allah has written. She knows that I am sad but she said, she will pray for the best to come and accompany me.

I want my mom to know this, that her daughter is strong, strong enough that not a mere man can broke her heart. I may love too easily, but I have spacious heart that I can put many people in it, that I won't be broke, just because someone refuse to receive my love. I've loss nothing. 

And I want my mom to know this, that she has taught me right, rise me up to more than I can be. I learn a lot from her and she is one of my role model in life.

I love you ma.

of pakwek and his stories

My mom calls me to pay a visit to my pakwek. He’s hospitalized for cancer prostate and was originally schedule to undergo an operation last Monday. However, due to some circumstances, his operation was postponed to next Thursday. My turn shall be tomorrow and a day after, which is Wednesday, Thursday and might as well Friday. I was planning to move my things to my sister’s place today, but it is alright. I’ll go.

My uncle who shall be in service (chewah),  stucked when his motorbike broke on his way to the hospital, so I’ll take his place for accompanying pakwek. You know, elders, they wanted attention – just as we do. He wants a friend to talk to. I can never imagine what would I did, if I need to lie on the bed alone, worst, no tv! Hhaha

It took me almost one hour to arrive from my office. Not because of the distance, but because of the traffic. Mont Kiara to Hospital Selayang is just 20 minute away (should be). When I arrived, I saw pakwek smile at me. The first question is, “kenapa kau dekat sini” knowing that I was working today.

I keep him accompanied. Listen to his stories. About how happy he felt for raising his children even when he’s no rich. He remembers when maklong was born, it was on maulud nabi, and the village was flooded. He remembers putting mak long on the zinc, behind his bicycle and rode it. He remembers, brought mama together to the mosque for zuhur prayer and how friends are amazed when mama solat at early age, as early as six. He smiled – proudly.

He told me, how he’s incapable of supporting mama studies. He only provided kerepek pisang and mama sold it to her friends. By using that money, mama pays her tuition fee and I can see how proud pakwek was when he sees mama’s success today. He told me many things that if I am about to write it here, it gonna be a very long post, but I shed tears eventually – so emotional, I know. 

“Solat tu disiplin ilmu paling tinggi. Baik solat kau, baiklah hidup kau. Kita manusia ni, bukan nak hidup kaya pun sebenarnya, kita cuma nak senang. Lapar ada makanan, perlu itu boleh dibeli, cukup le” with Javanese slag of course. That’s what I remember most.

At the end of my visit, around 9.30pm, I saw his tears. I don't know what was in his mind. I wonder what worries him and what makes him cry? suddenly, I was thinking about my parents. Day by day, I realize, clearly, that my parents are also aging while I am growing. I didn't want them to get sick. I do not want them to lie on hospital bed. I want both of them to stay healthy and strong. Not because I can't take care of them if they sick, I just didn't want them to get sick? I'll be sad. 

On my way back to home at Shah Alam, my mind was wandering. I missed few junction and lost. wrong way, rerouting - repeat. I spend so much on tolls [I hate tolls]. Arrive home and pillow talk with roommate until one o'clock before I can finally close my eyes. 

The next morning I woke up early, [ok, not so early, I missed my alarm] to pack my cloths because I'll be staying with pakwek for the next two days. Anyway, I don't know what more will come across my path, but have faith in Allah that He loves me and won't cause me any harm. Hopefully pakwek's operation run smoothly tomorrow, amiin. 

InsyaAllah.

p/s: lamb chop Hosp Selayang @ Pak Tad Cafe was so good!! That's why I agree to spend my night at hospital, hhaha.

p/s 2: I restraint myself from looking up for horror stories at Hospital Selayang, because when I came back from hospital, I heard that 'bump' sound on my car. But I recite kursi many times while sweating! fuh

Do love expire?

I always love it when I was alone, 

(of course I love it when I spend it with my family + friend),

but I also enjoy my 'me time', 

and I mostly use that time to talk to myself and wonder about few things. 

And somehow, this question came in mind,

do love expire?

If yes, then how would you explain your love towards your parents?

and if not, then how would it explains your love towards your exes?

or can we really divide love into two?

the endless love and the temporary love?

can we really choose 

and can we really tell which is which

but is there anyone in this world that wanted to love and be loved temporarily?

This time, I just had no answer for this, 

because I am still looking and searching for it, 

but if any of you had, do come and drop your comments below.

One of my biggest dream is 

to be able to relate everything 

that happen to me and my surrounding

back to Allah. 

Even in the simplest form of events

that occurring in my life, 

I hope I can relate it to Allah, 

The Creator. 

I amazed and feel inspired by 

those people who unconsciously

relate everything back to Allah,

even while they are watching movies.

To not feel anything is something

To not feel anything is something pernah tak rasa macam ni? one time kita rasa semua benda dalam satu masa, macam tak cukup ruang dekat dada sampai bersesak sebab nak handle all emotions at one time. Tapi bila dah terbiasa dengan rasa, tiba-tiba satu hari rasa tu hilang semua. Contoh; benda menyakitkan hati pun dah tak rasa nak marah, benda yang menyedihkan pun tak rasa nak nangis.

The problems are there, dan masih kisah je untuk selesaikan semua, tapi cuma jiwa tu tak ada. It feels like an empty hole inside - a very deep black hole. 

Eventhough it seems okay, but I know it's not. No human being, living his life, without feelings, or perhaps,  I am just taking a short break before I sort it all out. I hope I can really talk to someone right now. I really need to pour this emptiness out but how did you get rid of emptiness? emptiness can't be rid off, it can only be filled.