My Trip to Zoo

Hari ni pergi program Volunteering at Zoo Taiping. It is such a good experience, however if we could arrived a bit earlier, we could have an advantage to feed tiger. To clean up its cage. You know - to look at the beast (like very closely), how amazing would it be?

.

All in all, I'm quite happy today. At least I got things to do, because I know I will resist to study this weekend, so better I work my body out. Maybe because I've gotten used to be alone, so I kind of care less about joining a program w/out people I close with. 

.

I mean, look- everyone holding their friends tight. Going every where together like they can't never be apart. But I was not born to do that I think. I ever feel depressed about that, but now - no more.

If you want to fly high, you must let go of things that pulling you downward. 

.

I did that. 

.

But I know the main reason why I need this kind of physically tiring activities, so that I couldn't have any space to think about you again. But guess what, I didn't succeed yet

Maybe that is all that we need.
To stand by each other.
And just be there.
Because the fact that we exist for each other is much more comforting.

Maybe we will meet again

'Akak tak patah hati ke?' Tanya Hikmah.

Nak patah hati tu boleh.
Tapi jangan tersungkur mati.
Meski hari ini terasa sakit.
Mahu atau tak, kita tetap kena bangun lagi.

Salah aku juga.
Sebab menjulang tinggi egois.
Salah aku juga.
Sebab tak nak akukan apa yang dirasa.
Salah aku juga.
Sebab beriya kata "don't misunderstood my friendship for love"
Padahnya sekarang, berbalik pada aku juga
But I am so powerless.

Tak apalah.
Maybe we will meet again.
When we slightly older.
And when you are right for me.
And I am right for you.

Aku cuma terfikir.
Secara tiba-tiba.
Definisi cinta kita semua.
Hanya terbatas pada apa, yang terlihat kasar oleh fizik mata sahaja ke?

Aku cuma terfikir.
Kalau kita gagal jadi
Apa yang orang lain mahu kita jadi,
Maka gagalkah kita sebagai manusia?

Tak. Aku cuma terfikir.
Bagaimana sempitnya fikiran kita.
Tapi aku tak nafikan juga.
Itu memang lumrah kita manusia.

Lalu aku mula terfikir.
Apa yang buat kita dilayakkan Allah untuk mentadbir bumi ni?

It's raining outside.
A smell that I've always longing for.
And tonight, I'm being a bit emotional.
Throwing back my usrah days, which
I miss the most right now.

Rindu untuk menyantap ilmu tentang Islam.
Rindu untuk ditarbiyah.
Rindu untuk kembali berada ditaman syurga.

--

It has been a while. I am not post anything since my midterm and I was busy with tests, quizzes and assignment submission and presentation. Ever since I start doing my degree at Mimet two months ago, seriously I am not feeling so good. Something is missing. I just feel that there is something that makes me feel incomplete. Something that is not right. I feel misfit being here. I do not feel like I am belong here. 

"tak kenal maka tak cinta" - mama. My mom told me that, when I was telling her how I feel, grumbling because I need to return back to Mimet after midterm break. Since my early day, I have telling myself that I am starting to believe in the journey that I am not sure where will it takes me, and mama keep reminding me to redha with HIS plan. After all, this is what I wanted right? Further my studies quickly for I want to finish my degree early. So why would I complain?

***

During my mid sem break, I have post a few throwback picture in my instagram. Obviously, it's all about my childhood memory. Some may get sick of me because I keep telling them that same 'painful' memory. And some might feel menyampah with me because I keep bringing up that so long old memory. But what can I do yarr, it's not that I purposely want-to-remember-it-all. All I want is - to not having any more nightmare regarding my childhood memory. You know how hurt it is to wake up in the morning after cursing and being cursed by these-unforgotten-people in my dream? You know how uncomfortable it is to hate those friends you love in  your dream? 

I know some saying has said that "Tidak melupakan beerti belum memaafkan". I could forgive them all but how you expect that I will forget everything? The pain is bearable but the warrior inside the armor is a child anyway. How could a 12 years old girl mentally tortured forget what happened to her? Some might say what they did to this girl is simply a childish thing and they didn't mean to hurt her and some might excuse themselves by using their 12 y/o maturity as the reason for behaving like a bitch. Heck. Do you ever thought about that girl? how would she take all your cercaan? 

There is always one thing that I want all of us remember that; 

Not everyone was born having everything that we have. 

Sometimes what she had is love.

And if you mock the only things that she had, what else that she has left to show? 

when she start to forget about love, she starts to grow without love. She resist love given/offered to her. She no longer know how to appreciate people around her. She scared to be cursed if she fall in love again or maybe, she wants to thank you for making her forget how to love again. Because somehow she scared the scar would get deeper. 

Hoping Family and You are here

Because I am missing my family so much. And I hope you are here, when you are not. ��
I have make some friends here, but they are not listening to my story as you are.
They called my name, but when you called my name, you make it sound and feel different.
They make jokes and I laugh, buy when I am with you I feel happier.
But that's not all-
My heart ♥ beat faster whenever I am with you.
.
Qwertyuiop

I miss my sister so much. No one ever understand me more than she do. I miss my mama so much, no one ever stand with my nonsenseness more than she do. I miss my little baby so much, I will annoy her everytime we met but she still endure it. I miss my brothers so much, no one can beat their skill as my bodyguard. They will protect their parents and sister. Who carry out their duties as a leader. Who will advice their sister's appearance. Who care about my aurah. I miss my dad so very much. Just the way he love me for what I am. Who will feed me and asked me to diet and asked me to eat again if I feel hungry. And yeah, he always ajak us ngeteh tengah malam. Haha! Macam mana nak kurus seyh ����

Tomorrow presentation had been cancel. Weheeeee ������

October 15,2015

Test Buss Math.

Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.
Alhamdulillah.

That is all I can say.
I don't study much.
I slept a lot yesterday.
Mimi looked at me weirdly.
Because I got exam tomorrow and I don't study.

Idk.
Do you ever experience 'down' moment?
When I was in Nmit, every time I feel lazy to study or 'upsidedown', I will drove straight to my hometown.
Jaybee Melacca - bolehlah.

Perak - Melaka?, memang tak la.

*cut*

The thing is, every time before taking test, I will call my parents. I asked for their dua and it's true that our parents is our talian hayat. But of course kalau tak ada usaha, tak jadi jugak. But the main point is, percayalah redha Allah tu terletak pada redha kedua ibubapa. If you do good for your parents, goodness will comes to you.

--
Till here.

Eh, before that.
So far dah dua hari 1/2 tak makan nasi.
Tapi rasanya kejap lagi nak makan nasi
Tak tahanlah hari hari makan nestum. Haha!

Esok ada presentation Fund of Maritime Operations (Fmo)!

Till here.

Ayah

I called him.
After a bip..bip.
The call ended.
I don't have sufficient credit.

One second not even passed.
I received called from him.
He didn't answer it ,
He passed the phone to mama.
And that's what make me wanna cry.

My uncle pay my parents a visit.
But that's ayah.
No matter how busy he is.
He will never ignore his child's phone calls

Even though he asked mama to answer the phone,
He will asked mama later. Indeed.
He is a father .
Never show me how much he missed me.

Even though he's busy.
He will call right after that.
Not even delaying, why?
Because he always want to be there for his child.

I pray to Allah.
Moga sempat aku lihat mereka hingga tua.
Moga disempatkan aku untuk menjaga mereka.
Moga disempatkan aku untuk mati sebelum mereka.
Moga disempatkan aku menjalankan amanah mereka.
Moga disuatu nanti, aku menjadi ganjaran buat mereka disyurga.

Mogamoga nanti, aku dapat bersama mereka di firdausi.

Ayah,
Thank you for always loving me.
Thank you for nature me with love.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you.
Thank you.
May Allah grant you the highest jannah.

Rather than having you in my sight.
I want your time to talk to me.
It's okay if we connected through whatsapp only.
It's okay.

I just hope that you are not too busy.

Cerita tentang aku pasang telinga.
Or perhaps aku tercuri dengar.
-- tentang seorang lelaki, yang mengaku bodohnya dia kerana mengaku pada perempuan yang dia suka tentang dia dan skandalnya.
.
Pada aku, dia bukan bodoh kerana jujur. Tapi dia bodoh kerana tidak setia.
.
Pada aku, kalau benar kau suka, kau tak akan persoalkan tak-tahu-jodoh-kita-siapa dan jadikan itu sebagai satu alasan untuk pasang banyak teman. Kau guna alasan berkawan untuk kau pilih.
.
Kau pikir kau siapa? Letak diri paling tinggi dengan hak untuk pilih-pilih, kau pikir perempuan tu barang dagangan yang boleh kau ambil bila kau mahu, dan boleh kau buang bila tak dimahu.
.
Kalau benar suka, usahakan. Tapi hanya satu. Sebelum nikah saja kau sudab jadi player, jadi suami nanti macam mana?
.
Entahlah. Org kata perempuan tu rumit, tapi pada aku-- lelaki malah lebih kompleks.

He who couldn't get over his first love

Is it true that a man will never be able to forget his first love? I am just wondering how bearable the pain is. Because I think, I am getting scared of the thought of a man will not fully love a women if that women is not his first love. His thought will always remind him to his first and I just imagine how hurt it is for a women to face with that situation.

Erm.

I am such  a friendly person, outside.
I feel good if I could help people out of their problems.
I think it is nice to know more people in your life.
But I .. Have a kind of complexion in my self.
I don't really like if people get into my space. I've specifically dividing my space for certain people and if there is any one of them try to go against my system, my soul doesn't seem to accept it.

When you are standing in front of someone room, there is one action called sense of respect that is 'knock'
Train you fist to knock the door and don't forget to wait for them open the door for you. If you didn't hear something like 'come in', then don't ever try.

I don't like being in hostel.
People keep open my door when it wasn't locked
And my roommate keep forgetting to lock the door. I can't blame her tho. Habits is something that you should trained.

How lyfe in here

Degree is tough.
or maybe staying in Perak is tough.
or maybe the long distance is making it tougher.

I really want to further my degree
for certain reason.
1. I want to finish it quickly
2. because I've got things to do after degree
3. because I really miss to study and attend class

However,
After a lot of struggle to be here
I feel like I lose my spirit.

I am good with everyone
But still can't find someone who I can chilling with.

Actually, I have an incredible crazy head.
But here people labelled me as polite! which is so not me. Hhaha
But that's the thing that happen.
I am pretty disappointed because I couldn't
show myself towards them.

I took some time and think.
I reflect what had happen since my first day in here.
and I came to conclusion that it's actually fine to be like that (keep my true self for me)
because not everyone is ready to accept the real 'you' yet.

Some people need time.
and I think it is important for us to observe people character.
Because this time I really want to select my friend.
I really need someone who is supportive and positive.
Who will encourage me to do more.

I didn't want to waste my time for
unworthy friendship like before. (not all)
because right now, there are some friends that I really miss from NMIT.
I wish they will be here very soon.

Owh back to our story--

erm..actually I do find someone who I can be crazy with.
We have sorting things we want to do throughout this semester.
but unfortunately, she has quit.
--owh couldn't say more, because losing the only one friend
who you can talk about your inner self is the saddest part of
being alone here.

(I am used to be alone anyway), so apa adahal *sadokandiri

3rd week is Eid Adha break.
So yeayyyy, I came back home!!
I am really happy to see my siblings.

This year w/out my parents we celebrating Eid Adha.
Of course we do feel incomplete.
But they were doing ibadah in Mecca.

Travelling from Perak to Malacca is so tiring.
8 hours in the bus was a torture.
I had back pain after that.
Feeling exhausted the whole day.
Mak Long and Nuar come to fetch me at mc,

Allah blessed me with nice uncles and aunties.
I hope I will be a loving aunty to all my future niece and nephew.

I don't really have a feeling to start class on the next week.
Which is this week!!
After a slow teaching/learning progression,
suddenly students were bombarded with lot of assignments and quizzes.
Owh myyy!!

I am having fever right now.
Feeling sick inside and out.
Flu.
cough.

Beyonce (my classmate) a dongseang, said that I look like
someone who crying.
My face turn red in most of the time.
I couldn't breath like usual.
I feel like something chocking me.

Herm, what else?

owh ya, I am actually doing my assignment but
stealing some time to post an entry in my blog.
so nah..

Till here, from manjung, perak.
missing hometown.

This September is a tough month 

for my siblings and I. 

Our parents are so far away from 

homeland. 

And we relying on whatsapp as connection tool 

between us. Of course the effect is not as same 

as when you talked face to face. 

I miss them a lot, I wanna cry. 

But thinking about my youngest siblings Kimi and Baby

who had no phones to read whatsapp, 

neither a phone that mama or ayah can get contact with

(because they stay with a nanny)

make me sadder. 

I should be really thankful. 

--

Discovered a Person

Back then. 

People judge me. Without even give me the opportunities to defend myself.

People judge me.Just because they hear from someone else, they make distance. 

People judge me. Because of my physical appearance.

People judge me.Maybe because I don't reach their level of intelligence. 

People judge me.Labeling me as an arrogant bastard without knowing me. 

People judge and people will never stop judging others, because people will never want to understand that everyone is not coming from the same background as their. 

People always want to put others people on the same level as them, and when you are not fit with their specification, they will thrown you away. 

I have being judged and thrown away by people. 

I know how exactly does it feel to be ignored, being prejudiced, labelled and typed by irresponsible people. I ever feel that and never want to do that to another human being. Because its hurt so much, it could harden one's heart. The most dangerous part is, we never know that we could be among those who kill that one heart. Because as long as we are not in someone else shoes, we never want to understand. 

This is what happen in my class last night. There is a boy who people describe him as (lazy, not reliable, will not cooperate well, will not participate, etc). Yeah, I admit that he does look like that, but what makes people so heartless (I mean, everyone is trying not to get him on their group). Okay, it is not their fault anyway because that boy give a bad first impression but, I think we really need to open ourselves to know people by heart. 

I took him in, for my group assignment - task number one (lakonan). Haha, okay I already excited when it comes to acting!! lalala. Okay back to the story, everyone have one tiny hole in their soul. A hole that contain secrets about their past, a hole where they keep all the pain which becomes the reason why that person can be that person today. Get it? 

Our past teach us valuable and priceless lesson which make someone more careful/carefree, which make someone gloomy/happier. It depends. and those who have been hit by painful past - they grow weirder. They present themselves differently than the other. The complex mind that they have, is not for just anyone to enter and understand. It really need a lot of sabar and practice to calm down this kind of person. 

and I think, people have the power to ignore others and judge others just because they got a bunch of people behind them. But there is always a reminder for all of that - remember that 'that bunch' of people behind your back now, might turn their back to you anyway. People never learn how to be loyal to one and another. It takes a lot of courage for someone to be loyal anyway. 

Argh, I hate talking about this stuff because I am a bit sensitive when people pulaukan someone just because they still have friends beside them, and without a reasonable reason, they judge about that one person without knowing that one person better. Okay, I am done for now - because my misty eye won't allow me to write more. 

A brief about my degree

hjhhhbdbdbgdygbok

test.test 

tak ada idea dah nak tulis apa when I left blog for quite some times. Actually there are so many things to tell but when I didn't write on the spot while I am thinking/ feeling about that, I forget (not merely forget, but the feeling has changed and different)

.

I want to tell about what I feel on the day of my admission in Unikl Mimet for my degree, but one week has passed since that. 

.

Yeah, Kak Maisya brought me to some places in Manjung, during the days I stayed at her place, because after orientation day, there is no food provided for students, so they will need to look for food outside the campus. Unless you have your own transport, then there will be nothing to worry. However, for new comers like me, just what I have? So, I follow Mak Long's suggestion to stay with Kak Maisya. I am okay with that and Kak Maisya is really a nice person to know. I am quite chatty with her..hhaha, cause she pun melayan me. 

. 

I start my first day as a degree student with lot of butterflies in my stomach. The room quite hot for someone who covered with tons of fat like me, hehee - but I am okay with day. Perpeluhan berlaku in twenty four hours, so I hope for a good result la after few months staying here. The view from my room is amazing. Ada tasek, sungai, laut and I can see gunung - how lovely the nature is. 

. 

Internet? don't ask me about that. The wifi is slower than my data. Ergh, I can not even access my ECITE because I couldn't get the line. My room was at the end of the wings you know and right beside the bathroom. Owh ya, saying about the bathroom - on my fist night here.. I cannot sleep, because I hear something was knocking my cupboard and then the sound gone. But then, sounds of people clipping their nail was heard. I try not to turn my head to my study table as there was where I put my nail clipper. Ergh. 

. 

Yassin

.

Few days after that, I didn't hear anything like that and everything went smoothly. I am glad for that. Alhamdulillah. 

.

I still trying to cope with my classmate and course-mate, some of them are coming from NMIT, my senior (one batch above me) and they keep asking me why didn't I enter for January intake. "I don't want to be your junior" - I said. Tbh, I have a lot things that I want to do. If I can, I really want to fasten my degree - that is why I really want to do my degree at solent, but I failed to seek for any sponsorship. *sedih*

.

How about friends and class? will update soon, because I feel so sleepy right now 

Untitled.

Fayakun sayang; fayakun--

Jadi maka jadilah. 

Usah dikejar apa yang tak kau punya. 

Yang milikmu, kan kekal milikmu, 

dan begitu jua sebaliknya. 

Bukan kerja kita. 

Bukan dibawah kuasa yang kita ada. 

Ini semua kerja Dia. 

Dia yang sudah atur semua. 

Jangan kesalkan keputusan-Nya.

Kerana sungguh dia yang Maha Tahu semua. 

bukan kita--

kerna kita sungguh tak punya apa. 

Terkoyak hati, 

Terabak jiwa;

diamkan saja. 

Harapnya sembuh, jika dibiar;

--dimamah masa dimamah usia. 

Semoga disuatu nanti.

Kita jumpa bahagia, 

meski tak punya apa. 

Semoga disuatu nanti, 

Kita mampu gulung senyum, 

Meski tak semua kita miliki. 

dan 

moga, disuatu nanti, 

aku mampu berhenti, 

dari bicarakan namamu lagi, 

Ah! 

Feeling Exhausted

This week has been so tough and stressful for me.
My internship will end in two days time; *wee
But that is not all okay.

I need to prepare reports and be ready for IT presentation.
I told already that I'll be the first presenter for my batch,
and of course this is freaking me out as I never watch any
of my seniors presentation.

I regret it now; for not taking the opportunities
to see how my senior do it. Hmmm.
Never know I will be the first tho huh. Hhaha.

*cut

I keep telling myself that everything gonna be alright,
but my heart beat so fast, I can't really sleep well lately,
with those weird, scary, everyone-want-to-kill-me kind of dream.
I feel so tired and exhausted, but I couldn't stop now.

Degree will be tougher than ever.
I need to fight; this world isn't my place to rest.
I got so many things to do,
I believe this happen to get me stronger.

The dream I want to attain.

I've been planning to meet makjah since few days ago.

So yesterday was the day we decide to meet each other. 

at Cats Cafe', Jalan Sultan Abdul Samad, at bandar Jaybee. 

I thought we might meet around lunch hour, 

so I empty my stomach to make sure I can load something 

heavy later.

After zuhor, Syed whatsapp me and guess what? 

he and Qiah were in Jaybee. 

I'm so excited!

I'm waiting for Mak Jah's call and she's still in JPO,

so I decide to go out to meet Syed and Qiah at Country Garden. 

They came all the way from KL 

and it is a waste not to meet them, 

because I don't know when will I meet them any more,
Kecik and Afif were there too. 

Not having them together in MIMET sure is a lost, 

but everyone have their path to take, so let it go. 

We talked about some ideas, for our future, 

for transportation industry future and of course for our country's future. 

and having that kind of conversation is actually live me up. 

I mean, I hate doing things that I don't know the whole process, 

so, having one business that I know is sure bringing the light in my eyes. :P

I hope that Allah will help us. 

Niat ini tulus and we target this industry to be benefited by 

whole Malaysian citizens. 

Of course the idea is not something that seem so attainable, 

but with lot of efforts, dua, blessing from parents and of course 

with the help of The One who have most Mercy, 

we will able to make it happen. 

Till the day, we attain our dream :)  

A gift in dream.

Owh ya,
dreaming about you again.
and this time you are giving me a present.
You post it to my home address.
I was shocked, just out of where,
 you know the address.

You give me a set of stabilo pen.
That color pen one.

I saw you holding that
and the next day I receive it.
Haih, why you are so sweet,
doing that watching-me-from-far kind of stuff.

Haha!

But recently,
you came quite frequent in my dream.
Maybe because I miss you.
I don't know what else to say,
but the thought of leaving you is scaring me.
but I need to go, despite I want to stay.

One more thing,
I get confused when I woke up.
which one is dream and what is real?

Till here.

Be my friend because of Allah,

Bila engkau melihat kesalahan pada saudaramu, 

ketahuilah bahawa engkau tidak membantu dengan 

membicarakan kesalahannya, 

namun kau boleh membantunya dengan berbicara lansung kepadanya, 

dengan cara yang baik dan dengan kasih sayang. 

Bila engkau dinasihati saudaramu,

membela diri bukanlah pilihan yang tepat. 

Bial saudaramu datang dengan kasih sayang,

maka nasihatnya itu berkah, 

betul atau salah, tetaplah baik adanya. 

Maka dengarkan dan berterimakasihlah padanya. 

Kerana kita semua dipersaudarakan oleh Islam,

lebih kuat dari darah, 

lebih panjang dari umur dunia, 

dan lebih mahal dari kumpulan harta,

kita bersaudara dan saling bercinta kerana Allah Azza Wa Jalla.

Ukhwah Fillah

Industrial Training Presentation

Gonna be the first presenter, of course nervous breakdown!!

T.T 

Hopefully everything go smoothly and

I really hope the spectators seat will not be so much of people. 

It is early in the morning kan, NMITian will not wake up that early just to watch a presentation. 

so keep calm. 9 daysleft until presentation day! 

13th Week of Internship

Assalammualaikum & Hi, 

Finally, 

I almost finish my internship, 

and soon, my internship life will reach the end. 

and soon, I'll be leaving Jaybee. 

I always want to go out from Jaybee. 

I hate it here. 

But as the time that I wished come nearer, 

I feel so sad. 

Very sad to leave Jaybee behind, 

or maybe it's hard to leave memories in Jaybee. 

or maybe it's hard to leave some friends in Jaybee. 

and maybe it's hard to leave someone in Jaybee. 

This time, it will be long. 

I might not ever come back here again. 

I mean, after this, I will further my deg to north region. 

and why would I come to south for? 

Haih *sigh

They are some people and memories worth to be missed. 

Am thinking of do a short trip to every places where I'll missed. 

At least, this is what I can do. 

Anytime, I miss some places and memories it carries, 

I can also looked at the pictures. 

but, 

what should I do if the most things that I miss is  a 'person'?

Hhhaha. 

Till meet again. 

The hardest to tame :p

Someone is asking me about my love life, 

You are so funny :p 

Okaylah, as I already touch that topic, 

I'll be sincere. 

I don't prefer to like anyone, 

because if they are not meant for me, 

so it will just waste my time having feeling for them, 

so there is no use whether I like you or not, 

because real love story only start after marriage. 

And for I'll go with the flow.

When the time comes, Allah will surely make it happen. 

I don't care whoever he is, 

I don't mind whatever he did, 

as long as he worship Allah, 

and able to guide me to the truth, 

can talk to me about everything like a friend, 

and brave enough to tell my parents, 

have a big heart and a lot of sabr - then I'll be okay. 

Because it was so vely vely hard to tame me. 

In case you don't believe, please ask my parents and my dear sister :p

Till here.

p/s: and regarding my previous post about I'll not having feeling towards my very own friend, I wish to take my words back, because destiny is something that I could not predict. And as I just say, I'll just go with the flow.

A bad dream.

I'm keep having bad dream lately. Do you ever have that kind of very slow motion dream that you try to move as fast as you could but gravity was not on your side? I hate that kind of dream like so very much. Those people who came in my dream last night mostly from my childhood friends. 

*In my dream*

Scene 1

We're going to have exam tomorrow, subject SIVIK but got something to do with biology which making it hard for all of the students. But that night, everyone was gathering at this one place, celebrating new year or something else, I don't know. But they are celebrating it with fireworks at midnight and everyone was enjoying the moment and they seem to have a lot of fun, but not me. 

Scene 2 

I sat beside Farhah and look at her books, she's studying for tomorrow exam and I am getting scared because I didn't do any revision yet. We were sitting on the table that you can see at kampung. They put that wide short table under the tree so many people can join them on the table. Yup, I am sitting on that table with Farhah and some others schoolmate, watching Khuzir (bukan nama sebenar) and Ainan (bukan nama sebenar) lighting the fireworks. 

Scene 3

My brother, Kimi and Mama also joining me, but my mom was waiting for me inside the house (which basically look like my maklong's house). Kimi enjoying his night with his friend, who is a brother to Ainan. They looked so happy jumping and shouting. And as for me on the table, I was asking Farhah to borrow her book but a friend who sat beside her right already take her book, so I'm trying to ask Wajiha who sat in front of me and she give her book. 

Scene 4 

Everyone has that one special bag, (that small bag like jemaah Haji got from Lembaga Tabung Haji) and as for everyone at the event, we got 'jajan' inside the bags. Lot of sweets, jelly beans and chocolates. But everyone got different amount of sweets and I was so sad, because mine was so sikittt!! Of course la sedih, this is my dream kot, what the heck is everyone got more than me?

Scene 5

Najeeha and me were sneaking from a dark room. She took Wajihah's bag as Wajihah have a lot of jelly beans, 2 packet. I told Najeeha to return back to Wajihah before she start to ask everyone to look for her bag. And the reason why I hate it so much because there is someone with her, who will try to put the blame on me. That person will try to make me look as 'penjenayah' while I'm not doing it. 

At that time, when Najeeha already put everything back to its place, she go and hide in the cupboard. She is very fortunate because she is so small, and I still not moving until Wajihah and Fai (bukan nama sebenar) walk into the room. 

Fai want to blame me but Najeeha came out from her hiding, admit that she is the one who took Wajihah's bag. She already put everything back, she just have eaten one of the chocolates from the bag. Wajihah didn't make a big fuss, so they left. 

Scene 6

I went out from the house to look for Kimi, all the students still enjoying the last fireworks. I bumped up with Khuzir. He smile and I glare at him with fierce and blur face at one time. I hate seeing he smile at me, even in real life, I know I will hate. Fortunately it won't happen in real life, because I know that one friend will never smile at me. I hate him so damn much, till today. Couldn't forgive him either. CUT. Back to the story, I was running to the mall, and met Kimi on my way. I asked him to wait at the car and I looked at him with such beautiful eyes and my heart was calm. Once I enter the mall, it was not a mall at all, the place I entered was like in emergency stairs. I walked down the stairs and still didn't found any door open, so I try to go up and the door was closed..!!

I am getting scared. I already asked Kimi to wait in the car. and what should I do if I can't get out from this building? I running down the stairs like super fast!! the stairs seems like have no ending. 

And finally, I succeed to go out from the emergency stairs. But that was not all!!

The area I stand on have an automatic gate, which will automatically closed once the mall is closed. The door was getting closed to each other and I could't make it to go through it. 

But there is a little space below the gate, so I'm sliding on the floor to go through it. Alhamdulillah, I succeed. 

But that was not all.

I saw someone, a guy standing behind his car. My vision is blurry, maybe because I didn't wear my spec. (told ya, specky people should wear spec while sleep, this will help them in their dream, :p)

I didn't know what he did but I just stand up to go and get my brother and my mom. BUT, that guy keep shooting at me. And at that moment, the dream become so slow motion. I try to avoid and keep moving. He's chasing me. 

I was so scared, just what is in the world that I dream about people shooting at me! This is not the first time!! Of course I am getting scared. Knowing there is people who want to kill you is just a scary thought. 

Scene 7

I saw my brother in the car, already help me starting the engine. He looked at me, waiting for me to get in but I couldn't even get closed to the car. The guy keep shooting me. It hurts me seeing my brother in the car, looking at me blankly. I want to cry. 

Scene 8

My mom was shouting angrily at my teacher and my classmate, childhoods friends. I do not know what happen exactly. 

Scene 9 

(bla...bla..bla..bla...bla..bla) I don't know what I asked Ainan, in front of the others. Then Ainan said "I am getting him for you la Rhan" owh, since when Ainan call me Rhan? owh this is a dream anyway, anything is possible!! Ainan try to say that she is enjoying this party for a purpose, the purpose is, she is trying to make Khuzir like me. And that is the reason why Khuzir smile at me. **urrgghhhhhhh

I shout at her, I never liked him. Not before, not now and not even the future, just why don't you all people do not want to understand?? They all looking at me, unbelievable.

*** 

\

I do not know how it ends, but as long as I remember, the last scene is between I see Kimi in the car or the scene where my mom shouting angrily at my friends. The thing that I sure the most is, I am waking up at 6.00am and feel so tired. I hate this kind of feeling, waking from a nightmare. 

I am scared. Until when, this kind of nightmare will end? until when, this childhood memories will haunt me? 

I am tired, I just want to live my life, normally, beautifully and peacefully. 

Is it too much?

To Macca they go

Assalammualaikum and hi, *smiley *smiley *smiley. Lot of things happen within this past week. 

Starting with a lot of stress at workplace, which make me decide not to work here once I finish my studies and because of that amount of stress, I am thinking about working very very very hard just to ensure that I will not work under people. I want to be a boss, with my bossy attitude, I think that big elegant exclusive chair really suite me well. Hhaha :p 

But that is not all you know, even if I want to be a boss, I will need to start from the ground. Only that way will teach me how to appreciate my position later on. I mean, as a boss, I must how people under me do their work and of course as a boss, I must know how to do it at a first place. That is why, this amount of stress will be a good lesson for sure. And as I looking back at it, I guess, I will face more in the future right? I can't stay in my comfort zone like forever. 

*cut*

Last Saturday, I went to Kelana Jaya, sending off my parents to perform their Haji at Macca. O Allah, how I wish I could be there with them. Ayah had told my siblings and I that, insyaAllah if the business goes well, we  (a whole family) will go there to perform umrah/haji together. I pray to Allah that He will answered that prayer.

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah who helped us in our matters. Mama ayah were in KT01, the first batch who will fly and they went to Madinah. The moment kaki mereka melangkah masuk kedalam gate, ada satu rasa which I don't know how to describe. Satu perasaan yang sayu and syahdu. Satu perasaan yang meletakkan aku dalam keadaan redha tanpa rela. 

Sending off your loved one sure wasn't easy. Seeing my little siblings cries have melt my cold heart, but I am sure couldn't so much kan? I am a big sister, a reason for them to be stronger. I cry too but not as lot as baby and Kimi. Of course they will cry a lot, they spend most of their times with mama ayah. And they are the youngest, of course they feel so sad. And as for Kak Farah, she is the eldest. Her responsibility towards her siblings is really big. She said, I will be the hardest to tame. Having a head which is hard like stone is not easy tho :p 

I grow old, but my sister- she never stop worry about me. And leaving her doing all that responsibilities during our parents absent really put me in pain actually. I mean, I really want to help her, to stay beside her during this time but she is the person who do it all. Time just nor fit perfectly for me to do that. 

I hope mama and ayah will be just fine and can focus performing their ibadah. And if they go semata demi Allah, then I should redha. Always pray the best, where ever they are. 

p/s: bila jarak menjauhkan, yakinlah doa itu mendekatkan.  

Short stories: Nameless Bond

I saw him, with his friend.
I know that friend quite well.
They dress up well in suits wearing blue shirt.
Like usual, both of us look and feel awkward to each other.
I really want to talk to him but my ego stops me and both of
us don't want to look weird in front of his friend, so I let him
go with my eyes still looking at his back.

When his friend was leaving his side,
I went closer to him and seeing him with some other friends.
I gather all my courage to say this *calling his name "lets talk"
He excuse himself from his friends and walk along beside me.

"what do you want to tell me yesterday?"
"owh, it's nothing"
"nope, even if it's nothing you must tell me"

Then, we need to take elevator.
I don't know where we need to go.
I am wearing my black Jubah as always, and both of us
try to catch up the lift before I eventually fall on the floor
while he's already get into the lift.

and suddenly, he appear in front of me who still on the floor,
I am trying to get up.
He offering help by lending me his hand.
I grab.

Then, we both running to get into the lift.
But when we arrive there,
there is no one inside the lift anymore.
And the floor that both of me and his was on, suddenly lifted.
As we are on the lift.

After running. We smiled to each other. Trying to catching
our breath.
And I letting go my hand from him.

He smiled.
I looked down at the floor.

He was changed to his karate suit.
He got training today, and I watch over him from the
spectators seats.
At the seat, I met with his friend (not the one who came with him earlier)
He's someone else, and I know him too.

We talked.
I barely remember what we talked about because
I was not focusing our conversation.
My eyes still trying to look for him at the gelanggang karate.
Suddenly his friend block my sight by standing right in front of me.
His face was really close with mine, and whoever seeing it from
wrong angle, could say that we were kissing!

I was worried if 'he' saw this scene.
I quickly moving backwards.

and the dream continue with I having fun on the slides (somewhere like theme park).
and he is not in my dream anymore, because I think at that time, his soul already went
back to his body.

To be continue....

Nameless bond continued

Again and again.
I try to be kind.
I try to show my affection towards him.
But he's like trying to avoid me,
he's not going to talk to me anymore,
and he's not replying my message like before,
he no longer try to not stop talking to me.
He cut off the topic just like that.

I don't understand what is in his mind.
and what he sees in me?
and what he think about me?
one month I struggle with my heart,
trying really hard not to text him,
finally, when the day I succeed finally arrived,
he come back and waver my heart again and
once again ignoring me like this.

I totally mad.

Now, another one month and more to be added.
This year, I hope he will not wish my birthday, or
else, I will melt again.

Nameless Bond

Dear Harry, 

I have feeling towards you, 

and what kind feeling is it,
is still undescribable and unexplainable. 

I like you because of you, 

and I feel comfortable being your friend. 

I thought to save our friendship, I shall 

ignore my feeling because I honestly, 

do not want losing you, as my friend. 

That is why, 

I act like I don't care. 

I am a bit rough when I speak to you. 

Not because I hate you but because it 

was my self defenses. 

I need to put it up, or else you need to face 

a 'me' who have feeling towards you. 

That's why, 

every time I feel like having text with you so much

and you shortly reply, I abruptly stop messaging you 

unless you start first. 

Because I don't want you think that I want to cling with you,

(even I really want to). 

I scared that you will start distance yourself when you think 

that I have feeling towards you, because I know that you'll 

not like it that way, because you already have someone in 

your heart, that is why - 

I didn't contact you if you didn't contact me first. 

I didn't like your post, images etc. 

I didn't whatsapp you though I check your profile 

everyday, just to see whether you online or not. 

but 

I will always lose with a battle I set for myself. 

I usually will set up one month for not contacting you

since our last conversation, 

but last time, I lose when we eventually met at your restaurant. 

I seriously think that you are not in JB, that is why I go there. 

but this time I win. 

the last conversation is about 11 July, 

and yesterday, I'm officially win. 

Yesterday, I was a bit depressed (the whole week, feel like so depressing) , so I sleep early. 

owh, before that, I've updated my status at facebook, saying that "internship is tough, but i'm tougher" 

I continuously motivate myself, I need that, so I need to compliment myself better. 

This week was very hectic. I need to cover Yvonn's work and face Amy who didn't like the way Yvonne teach me, and I start to feel like stupid ass. *urgh 

Plus, my table mate beside me was making a scene with. Last time I asked her to put down my picture that she just uploaded at instagram because people can see my lengan (my fault sebab tak pakai hand sock) that is why I request her that favor, but she's not talking to me the next day. I try to talk to her like usual, but she seem unfriendly, so I keep my mouth shut, do not want to bother her, but now it has been few days and she still didn't want to talk with me. So I let her be, if she mad at me because I need to cover my aurah, then it means that she not respect me as her friends, so I take my decision, to let her be. I have greet her first and my responsibility has been carried out. What ever she think of me, that wouldn't matter because I never matter in her life pun, so why should I care so much. But I love that ukhti so much, it just she love me lesser. 

*cut 

back to my story, 

I charged my phone and turn my cell off. 

I do not want any disturbance from notifications. 

so, this morning, I wake up by checking my phone first. 

I received so much notification from facebook, friends are liking my post and so far, that was among the highest, but what shocking me is, Harry who never like or comment in any of my status, has liked and even commenting on my status. 

"hello, apa cerita sekarang"

"anyway, kau tukar no ke?"

why asking that publicly? he never acted that way. I am worried and happy at the same time. 

I replied to his comment right away, not even think for a second. I looked at the time he commented was on 11 August 2015, 11pm. 

What to do? How should I feel? when I feel like I got rejected by the same person? 

He then said that he have something to say, but I wasn't reply, that's why he asked whether I've changed my phone number. Of course it was like that, takkanlah he will stalk me like I stalk him kan. I asked about the things he need to say but currently he is not in mood to have any conversation, he also was watching you tube, so I understand that he doesn't want to talk to me right now. 

(rejected again) 

dia memang suka buat aku rasa like I got rejected, but then he will come again to waver my heart. 

Why he's being like that? I don't know why, but with this one, I keep falling every time our eyes meet. 

I have noticed him since the day of orientation. I wasn't have any feeling towards him back then, knowing my friend who like him, I wasn't think that he will become someone important for me. But, as far as I remember, we keep bump into each other, we greet each other with a smile, we noticed each other existence. Until March 2014, I feel like, something is lingering in my heart about him. Something I can't say yet I can feel, and now I am certain to say, at that very moment, my eyes was keep watching him and my heart keep saying his name. And as Allah's plan, we eventually become friend to each other. And I let him in, to my life with peace and blooming happiness.

I still remember, asking him '"when you noticed me for the first time", 

"on the day of orientation la" he replied. And that answer really made my day. People say, when that feeling stay in your heart for 7 months and longer, then it means 'something'. As I keep count, it has been 1 year and 5 months for this nameless bond. 

I am being a crying baby lately

The reason why I can do what ever I want, 

The reason why I can break the rule, 

The reason why I can bluntly crazy, 

The reason why I can be so selfishly be me,

The reason why I can be a spoiled brat, is because, 

I have my sister.

Because I have dia, as my sister. 

Because I believe that she will cover everything for me. 

Because I know she will backed me up no matter what 

wrong I have done. 

Because I know that she will never able to mad at me for 

such a long time. 

Because I know that her love for me is just too much. 

Because I know that she will forgive me despite of my 

rudeness and harsh words. 

Because I know that she will stand by me, no matter how far I try to push her, 

and because I know, how deep her love for me, and may be greater than any love I have received so far. 

Because I am her best girl and no one can replace me, and having that thought, I am secretly jealous with my youngest sister, but no matter what, I believe she love me more than my other siblings. Hhaha. 

That is why, I never want to want her place. 

I never want to replace that eldest-child position, because it's too much burden for me and frankly speaking, I don't have the ability to bear with that burden and that is why I turn to become second child, hhaha. 

Even it means, that mamayah love her more than me - I secretly, seriously do not mind. 

Okay, as I have touched this issue, let me tell you more. We (human beings) can never lie about one thing, that is LOVE. Love is not something that you can give fairly, even you try to show its equality. And as I'm growing up, I come to realise this thing and start from that day onward, I never complain about my parent's love towards their children. 

Hey, don't mistake me okay. I love my parents very much, and even for every single sacrifices that they made for me, I could never pay them with something equal to that. And no matter how much I love them, it will never surpass their love for me. It just, they love my sister more. 

I know my parents and even all parents said that they love all their children equally, no one receive more and no one less. But every parents say that to make sure none of their children feel offended or unneeded, because kids tend to misunderstood. While actually, they need us, and love us and feel very thankful, grateful towards Allah because give us as a gift, but there is always one child that they favor most. Why? it depends on many reasons. 

And as for me, I have found the reason. 

I still remember, the day my parents read my diary. I've wrote a lot of despicable things which a 9 old kid shouldn't say. I wrote in my diary that I feel like I was an adopted children, because my parents always scold me. They are so fierce with me. And the most saddest part that night is, 

I am waiting for my dad who should fetch me after tuition BI at my teacher's place. It has been so late, so I decide to wait at the front of residential area. So I walked from my teacher's house saying that I am fine, because I think it will be more easy for my dad if I waited for him at the roadside. I will jump on the car when they arrived, I waited patiently. When my dad's car stop, I didn't see smile on his face. I feel scared looking at everyone in the car, who mute their voice.

As soon as we arrived at home, my dad talked to me angrily. I was puzzled for a while. And I don't know how, my dad saw my diary and he opened it and he read the part that I wrote "I feel like I've been adopted". He was really angry back then after read that. He asked me, what else that he didn't give me and what else that I want that he didn't fulfill, just what in the world that make me feel like an adopted kids. 

At that time, I know that my parents were actually truly hurts with my words and I really hope that my parents could forget it by now. Because, I know what ever happens, they will never traded me for something else. I know that they love me so much and really grateful to have me as their daughter. Even if I am not a mother yet, I can already imagine when my kid tell me that they're not mine. Auch, having a thought about it, already hurt me. My parents scold me for good reason, to shape me into a good person but I always mistook their intentions. Why I was so blind at that time? After that moment, my parents always say something like this when I did wrong "nanti kalau kita tegur/cakap sikit, kata kita tak sayang, habis nak cakap macam mana?". Aww, that break my heart you know. I regretting it more and more these days. They mad at me less. They advice me less. Maybe they think I will rebel. Maybe they scared that I will run out from home. Hey ya, forget to tell, I ever run off from home just because I want to get an ice cream. I wouldn't want to wait for my parents to come back home, so I sneak out from my baby sitter's house and walk to my mom's school, to get an ice-cream. See, how I make a scene? I hope I wont give birth another one of me. 

At the end of the day when I starting to realize, it is me, who feel so wrong. Just what have I done, to be blessed with such a goddess parents and siblings? In this world, I don't have any one friend who can accept my weakness like my family did, so when people asked me, who is family to me, my answer is, family is what my family is to me. My brother ever told me once, that he never able to figured out who I really am. He couldn't say that he know me well either, because he say that I am unpredictable. If I am in a good mood, that everything is okay, but when I got mad, I become crazy and sometimes, I could become a monster who say what she feel w/out ever think what others would feel. What kind of torture do I give to my siblings. They think of me as a scary person. Who should I blame when something like this happens?

Okay, back to my story. 

Throughout my 20 years of life, I have received a lot of love from my parents and until now, I only give them pains and disappointments. My sister is too good if people want to compare me with her. She study hard for our parents (of course for herself too) and always get a good grade, while I am not a really study person, so my parents couldn't say anything about me. Maybe they scared that I will rebel. So, they never really questioned when I got not-so-good-result, unlike my sisters and brothers. My dad will questioned, why they are not in TOP 5, what a lucky bastard am I, right?

Ha, I remember this one thing that my mom said, which make me feel like I am getting a hard slap right on the face. She said to my youngest sister that if she talked to me, she will never win. Because for her, I am really hard to handle, and I was too cold-hearted. She didn't know what should say to me anymore because to her, what her says will no longer matter to me anymore. And as she growing old, instead of I taking care of her feelings, she in the one who will watch what she says because she doesn't want her children feel offended. Looking at that, people can tell how rude I am, how bad I am, and how ungrateful I am. How sinful I am yet my mom still welcoming me everytime I throw myself into her arms. 

I know, that I care less about their feeling. I hurt them. I simply hurt people who love me most. Because of that, seeing my parents who love my sister more, won't hurt me anymore. Sometimes, I really want my dad talk to me like he did with my sister. He always told her his problems and sometimes, he entrust her with big responsibility and both of them always have things to say to each other. I secretly jealous for that, because I have nothing to share with my dad or my dad have nothing to share with me. But, I shouldn't feel that way. I have hurt them too much and I think I deserve it now. 

Above all of that, what I want to say is that - I love my parents so much. Too much, and will love them more and more. Looking at them who growing old, I hope that I will die first because living w/out them, I can never imagine. Ayah always like it when I massage his feet. That rough feet that he used to work for giving me a good life, everytime I touch it, there is one unnamed feeling lingering in my heart, which make me feel like I want to cry out loud. While mama, always like it when I play with her hair. Mama character is exactly same with my granny's who just passed away. She never want to trouble people. If she can do it, she will do it by herself, and what can I ask from Allah is to grant both of my parents happiness and a good health. I wished that they will be happy by the happiness that her children gives, and I really hope that me and my sibling could do what will make them feel happy. 

And as for me, I will start to work harder, to at least tebus balik all the pains that I give. 

Wow, quite long post so far, masa raya haritu, siap buat peace dekat ayah and say "{selamat hari raya ayah, maaf zahir batin tau)" hahha, how well I hid my feeling away, but today, I can't hold in it anymore. 

Till here. 

Nightmare

Take 1.

Lisa was carrying a baby, with her husband which at that time is Shah Rukh Khan. She was paying RM81 to the cashier for six person's cinema ticket. I don't remember what movie they are watching because I am busy watching at them. SRK's friend sat beside Lisa, and SRK was giving a sign to him so that they changes the seat. 

I don't know why, but Lisa seem to mad at SRK. 

Take 2. 

Lisa is a well married lady. She is happy with her husband and already had one child. She is beautiful and polite. Every man in her kampung always dream to have her as their wife. 

And in her kampung, there is one family who is really obsessed with Lisa. Not even the son, but his parents also want Lisa as their in laws despite Lisa got married or not. Isn't it sound crazy?

And it happened, that family try to kidnapped Lisa (urm, not really because they did that in front of Lisa's family and husband, which at that time, was not Shah Rukh Khan) 

It was a battleship in front of the house, which I don't know either Lisa's or that-family-who-want-her-in-their-family. 

Lisa's mama was fighting with that boy's mom. Her dad and his dad. Her husband and that boy who want Lisa. They fight fist to fist. And Lisa try to protect her parents and husband. At one point, that boy hit Lisa. Lisa's husband see that and hit that boy really hurt. 

Suddenly everyone stop when Lisa said she is hurt. She got stomach ache which actually miscarriage. Lisa feel so angry towards that boy and his family. The hatred was too much, it turn to grudge and resentment. I think if Lisa dead, she will hunt that family for their lifetime. 

Take 3. 

Lisa packed all her things. She didn't see her parents and her husband anywhere. She is not even looking for them. Lisa packed her bag and want to move out from the house. 

There are two or more girls outside the house. And that boy's parents who wanted Lisa also in the house. The mom is watching Lisa with guilty face and the father was taking bath in the room. 

The two girls outside the house was trying to trap Lisa. I don't know why. I didn't see their face. I don't know why I just watching and  do nothing. The house suddenly black out. Lisa couldn't see anything. 

Take 4.

Light was on. The mom of that boy, trying was looking for Lisa. and she hear Lisa's voice from her husband's room. She went there hurriedly. Lisa was there, crying at the corner when she opened the door. Her husband came out from the room with blank+guilty face. He only had towel on her lower body. 

Lisa do not know how she could be in here. After the black out, she just stay at one place didn't move. So she cried, because she was scared to be in that room. The father of that boy, didn't do anything. He too, still feel so guilty because of Lisa miscarriage. 

Lisa came out from the room - ignoring the mom. I didn't see the boy around.

Take 5. 

When Lisa came out from the house, there is no Lisa anymore in this scene. It was me. I was carrying the bags. My brothers come and help me. As I came out, I saw a new call with Iriz, Myvi shape called Ninja. I guess, one day, I should propose to build a car with that name. 

My dad just bought Hilux last month (reality), and in this scene, he bought another one. White color. When my brother want to load in the bag into the car, my dad was asking us to load it in the other hilux. He want to make surprise for my youngest brother. 

My sister and brother argue a bit about me who get a car from my dad eventhough I still not finish my study yet. I remain silent. Because when I think back, yes, my dad has give me a lot. 

*cut*

I woke up. Feeling so tired because of that dream. When I met a doctor, they say that when someone sleep and have a dream, it shows that that person is actually having a good rest. Because she is really fall into a world that entirely their own. 

But if I really have a deep and good sleep, why I feel tired. Why I feel like my brain is working for 24 hours and why I didn't feel energetic at all. I get tireder, than my yesterday. Very urghhh.

I told Kak Zuri about my dream and - we laugh. How merepeks my dream is. But looking back at my dreams, I asked Kak Zuri either she ever had deja vu. 

Because I ever dream about getting email from unknown person, who asking me to scan the documents again because it was not in right position. 

Heck. 

I told myself that. I mean, what the heck that I need to arrange and amend the documents that you need. You can just do it by yourself. 

but that is not the point. 

The point is, the things in my dream turn out to be true and suddenly I got goosebump, thinking about it. 

One of my role as an internship at BDPJB is receive documents from customer and amend, revised it following the information given. And will need to update them and also scan the documents for their revision. 

After all, I was so tired today. 

Hopefully, tonight I having no dream. Either good or bad, I just do not want it all. I told ya, I can't sleep with the present of light. Even a light from your phone could distract me.