I think I've talked a lot about how accident prone I am. How I always make mistake when what I mean is to just help. How I always make people into trouble for my faults.
and I hope that people will know, how hard is it for people like me to struggle and win over myself.
because somehow, no matter what we did, we never be any help for others and we keep doing mistakes.
I don't know under what category this disease in. Everyday, every single day, I hope that I can at least do something right. And you know how hard it is to bear the feeling?
A feeling that make you feel like one useless thing in the world.
which make you feel so down, so pathetic and so upset.
You know how much courage do people like me need, to stand again? You know how much hatred do I hold towards myself because of living so shamefully by troubling others and keep troubling them, even if I do not want to.
*cut
Today I think I know why I'm being like this. I think I know why I keep doing mistake. It is because I listen to what I want to hear. I see what I want to see. I know what I want to know. I believe what I want to believe.
I never want to acknowledge anything beyond that.
I have no courage to face my weakness. I keep hiding behind my mask. I pretending and while I was playing a good role, I already forget who I am. Isn't it tragic?For me to forget me, when I am fully awake?
I was funny and was laughable to people. Why it become like that?I like it and hate it at the same time.
Why I couldn't have one certain feeling at one time and stay with that?
*cut
I merepek again.
I, certainly found the answer, why I'm being like this. I scared that I will found any weakness underneath me.
I scared that the weakness beneath me will appear. So, I keep doing what I know because I am scared I couldn't do more. I see what I want to see, because I am scared I'll see something that hurt me, something that will reveal what I don't like to see. I only hear to an extent that benefited to me and ignore the rest because I'm scared that I will hear something that I do not want to hear.
and what is the thing that I do not want to see, hear and know?
People are always scary. They always told you story who let you down. They always do things that make you sad. People around me do give me different expression and reflection when it comes to me. I mean, some people feel comfortable because I was so warm and nice. but others do find me incredible when I stood for myself, eventhough it makes me look selfish. How can I play two character in one body?
Back then, people were not close to me because I was so cold. My face is so fierce, I looked old than my actual age. As that thing happen, I always able to speak out my mind, even it means I losing my friends. Because
back then, I don't really care about what people say about me and because of that I am losing my precious friends.
I think, that was when my turning point begin.
Now, I try to be more calmer and nicer. I train myself to accept thing as it is and also accept that not everything will go my way. It work. Now, I feel like, I am a good friend. I am such a warm person and comforting others with good advises that me too couldn't do it. *urg Now, when I got mad or disagree on something, I will hold back and keep my opinion to myself until I cooled down.
When I was in stable mood, I will find out that, what happened earlier wasn't really a big matter, so I'll let it go. As time passed, I thought I will forget about that, but I was wrong. There will come a time, when I upset with myself because I didn't express my opinion. There will always come a time, when I am regretting so much because I holding back. The time that I mentioned do come and recently, it comes frequently.
But when I am looking back. I realise that, even though I am being hated by others while being so cold. I could be so strong. I do not cry for small thing. I can speak out my minds. I feel satisfied when not holding back my words. I can go easy with myself because there is no heart that I should care. There will be nothing that mind me.
and
I am hating myself now. Because I love many people now, I am getting weaker. I get so sensitive. I sweat on small things. I get hurt by people words. I get hurt when they leaving me. and the most pathetic one is, I am becoming so pathetic. I feel like people used me for their benefit, but everyone live by using others capabilities, aren't they? so what's a big deal? Hahaha, I'm just making a ruckus here.
I wasn't ambitious as I ever be - I hate that fact most.
But, there also have one thing that I am grateful for being a now-me. I love my family more. I love my mama ayah and my siblings more. Even though, they are right in front of my eyes, I always miss them. No matter how much we disagree on thing, I always love them. and no matter how much arguments I have with them, I still miss and love them.Sometimes, I couldn't breath thinking of how much I missed them. and sometimes, I will just cry rather than called them. I don't know why I am become like this.
Babbling and write it down here, I must be crazy. I probably get drunk uh??owh, how I wish I could.
Now, I am crazy.