Untitled.

Fayakun sayang; fayakun--

Jadi maka jadilah. 

Usah dikejar apa yang tak kau punya. 

Yang milikmu, kan kekal milikmu, 

dan begitu jua sebaliknya. 

Bukan kerja kita. 

Bukan dibawah kuasa yang kita ada. 

Ini semua kerja Dia. 

Dia yang sudah atur semua. 

Jangan kesalkan keputusan-Nya.

Kerana sungguh dia yang Maha Tahu semua. 

bukan kita--

kerna kita sungguh tak punya apa. 

Terkoyak hati, 

Terabak jiwa;

diamkan saja. 

Harapnya sembuh, jika dibiar;

--dimamah masa dimamah usia. 

Semoga disuatu nanti.

Kita jumpa bahagia, 

meski tak punya apa. 

Semoga disuatu nanti, 

Kita mampu gulung senyum, 

Meski tak semua kita miliki. 

dan 

moga, disuatu nanti, 

aku mampu berhenti, 

dari bicarakan namamu lagi, 

Ah! 

Feeling Exhausted

This week has been so tough and stressful for me.
My internship will end in two days time; *wee
But that is not all okay.

I need to prepare reports and be ready for IT presentation.
I told already that I'll be the first presenter for my batch,
and of course this is freaking me out as I never watch any
of my seniors presentation.

I regret it now; for not taking the opportunities
to see how my senior do it. Hmmm.
Never know I will be the first tho huh. Hhaha.

*cut

I keep telling myself that everything gonna be alright,
but my heart beat so fast, I can't really sleep well lately,
with those weird, scary, everyone-want-to-kill-me kind of dream.
I feel so tired and exhausted, but I couldn't stop now.

Degree will be tougher than ever.
I need to fight; this world isn't my place to rest.
I got so many things to do,
I believe this happen to get me stronger.

The dream I want to attain.

I've been planning to meet makjah since few days ago.

So yesterday was the day we decide to meet each other. 

at Cats Cafe', Jalan Sultan Abdul Samad, at bandar Jaybee. 

I thought we might meet around lunch hour, 

so I empty my stomach to make sure I can load something 

heavy later.

After zuhor, Syed whatsapp me and guess what? 

he and Qiah were in Jaybee. 

I'm so excited!

I'm waiting for Mak Jah's call and she's still in JPO,

so I decide to go out to meet Syed and Qiah at Country Garden. 

They came all the way from KL 

and it is a waste not to meet them, 

because I don't know when will I meet them any more,
Kecik and Afif were there too. 

Not having them together in MIMET sure is a lost, 

but everyone have their path to take, so let it go. 

We talked about some ideas, for our future, 

for transportation industry future and of course for our country's future. 

and having that kind of conversation is actually live me up. 

I mean, I hate doing things that I don't know the whole process, 

so, having one business that I know is sure bringing the light in my eyes. :P

I hope that Allah will help us. 

Niat ini tulus and we target this industry to be benefited by 

whole Malaysian citizens. 

Of course the idea is not something that seem so attainable, 

but with lot of efforts, dua, blessing from parents and of course 

with the help of The One who have most Mercy, 

we will able to make it happen. 

Till the day, we attain our dream :)  

A gift in dream.

Owh ya,
dreaming about you again.
and this time you are giving me a present.
You post it to my home address.
I was shocked, just out of where,
 you know the address.

You give me a set of stabilo pen.
That color pen one.

I saw you holding that
and the next day I receive it.
Haih, why you are so sweet,
doing that watching-me-from-far kind of stuff.

Haha!

But recently,
you came quite frequent in my dream.
Maybe because I miss you.
I don't know what else to say,
but the thought of leaving you is scaring me.
but I need to go, despite I want to stay.

One more thing,
I get confused when I woke up.
which one is dream and what is real?

Till here.

Be my friend because of Allah,

Bila engkau melihat kesalahan pada saudaramu, 

ketahuilah bahawa engkau tidak membantu dengan 

membicarakan kesalahannya, 

namun kau boleh membantunya dengan berbicara lansung kepadanya, 

dengan cara yang baik dan dengan kasih sayang. 

Bila engkau dinasihati saudaramu,

membela diri bukanlah pilihan yang tepat. 

Bial saudaramu datang dengan kasih sayang,

maka nasihatnya itu berkah, 

betul atau salah, tetaplah baik adanya. 

Maka dengarkan dan berterimakasihlah padanya. 

Kerana kita semua dipersaudarakan oleh Islam,

lebih kuat dari darah, 

lebih panjang dari umur dunia, 

dan lebih mahal dari kumpulan harta,

kita bersaudara dan saling bercinta kerana Allah Azza Wa Jalla.

Ukhwah Fillah

Industrial Training Presentation

Gonna be the first presenter, of course nervous breakdown!!

T.T 

Hopefully everything go smoothly and

I really hope the spectators seat will not be so much of people. 

It is early in the morning kan, NMITian will not wake up that early just to watch a presentation. 

so keep calm. 9 daysleft until presentation day! 

13th Week of Internship

Assalammualaikum & Hi, 

Finally, 

I almost finish my internship, 

and soon, my internship life will reach the end. 

and soon, I'll be leaving Jaybee. 

I always want to go out from Jaybee. 

I hate it here. 

But as the time that I wished come nearer, 

I feel so sad. 

Very sad to leave Jaybee behind, 

or maybe it's hard to leave memories in Jaybee. 

or maybe it's hard to leave some friends in Jaybee. 

and maybe it's hard to leave someone in Jaybee. 

This time, it will be long. 

I might not ever come back here again. 

I mean, after this, I will further my deg to north region. 

and why would I come to south for? 

Haih *sigh

They are some people and memories worth to be missed. 

Am thinking of do a short trip to every places where I'll missed. 

At least, this is what I can do. 

Anytime, I miss some places and memories it carries, 

I can also looked at the pictures. 

but, 

what should I do if the most things that I miss is  a 'person'?

Hhhaha. 

Till meet again. 

The hardest to tame :p

Someone is asking me about my love life, 

You are so funny :p 

Okaylah, as I already touch that topic, 

I'll be sincere. 

I don't prefer to like anyone, 

because if they are not meant for me, 

so it will just waste my time having feeling for them, 

so there is no use whether I like you or not, 

because real love story only start after marriage. 

And for I'll go with the flow.

When the time comes, Allah will surely make it happen. 

I don't care whoever he is, 

I don't mind whatever he did, 

as long as he worship Allah, 

and able to guide me to the truth, 

can talk to me about everything like a friend, 

and brave enough to tell my parents, 

have a big heart and a lot of sabr - then I'll be okay. 

Because it was so vely vely hard to tame me. 

In case you don't believe, please ask my parents and my dear sister :p

Till here.

p/s: and regarding my previous post about I'll not having feeling towards my very own friend, I wish to take my words back, because destiny is something that I could not predict. And as I just say, I'll just go with the flow.

A bad dream.

I'm keep having bad dream lately. Do you ever have that kind of very slow motion dream that you try to move as fast as you could but gravity was not on your side? I hate that kind of dream like so very much. Those people who came in my dream last night mostly from my childhood friends. 

*In my dream*

Scene 1

We're going to have exam tomorrow, subject SIVIK but got something to do with biology which making it hard for all of the students. But that night, everyone was gathering at this one place, celebrating new year or something else, I don't know. But they are celebrating it with fireworks at midnight and everyone was enjoying the moment and they seem to have a lot of fun, but not me. 

Scene 2 

I sat beside Farhah and look at her books, she's studying for tomorrow exam and I am getting scared because I didn't do any revision yet. We were sitting on the table that you can see at kampung. They put that wide short table under the tree so many people can join them on the table. Yup, I am sitting on that table with Farhah and some others schoolmate, watching Khuzir (bukan nama sebenar) and Ainan (bukan nama sebenar) lighting the fireworks. 

Scene 3

My brother, Kimi and Mama also joining me, but my mom was waiting for me inside the house (which basically look like my maklong's house). Kimi enjoying his night with his friend, who is a brother to Ainan. They looked so happy jumping and shouting. And as for me on the table, I was asking Farhah to borrow her book but a friend who sat beside her right already take her book, so I'm trying to ask Wajiha who sat in front of me and she give her book. 

Scene 4 

Everyone has that one special bag, (that small bag like jemaah Haji got from Lembaga Tabung Haji) and as for everyone at the event, we got 'jajan' inside the bags. Lot of sweets, jelly beans and chocolates. But everyone got different amount of sweets and I was so sad, because mine was so sikittt!! Of course la sedih, this is my dream kot, what the heck is everyone got more than me?

Scene 5

Najeeha and me were sneaking from a dark room. She took Wajihah's bag as Wajihah have a lot of jelly beans, 2 packet. I told Najeeha to return back to Wajihah before she start to ask everyone to look for her bag. And the reason why I hate it so much because there is someone with her, who will try to put the blame on me. That person will try to make me look as 'penjenayah' while I'm not doing it. 

At that time, when Najeeha already put everything back to its place, she go and hide in the cupboard. She is very fortunate because she is so small, and I still not moving until Wajihah and Fai (bukan nama sebenar) walk into the room. 

Fai want to blame me but Najeeha came out from her hiding, admit that she is the one who took Wajihah's bag. She already put everything back, she just have eaten one of the chocolates from the bag. Wajihah didn't make a big fuss, so they left. 

Scene 6

I went out from the house to look for Kimi, all the students still enjoying the last fireworks. I bumped up with Khuzir. He smile and I glare at him with fierce and blur face at one time. I hate seeing he smile at me, even in real life, I know I will hate. Fortunately it won't happen in real life, because I know that one friend will never smile at me. I hate him so damn much, till today. Couldn't forgive him either. CUT. Back to the story, I was running to the mall, and met Kimi on my way. I asked him to wait at the car and I looked at him with such beautiful eyes and my heart was calm. Once I enter the mall, it was not a mall at all, the place I entered was like in emergency stairs. I walked down the stairs and still didn't found any door open, so I try to go up and the door was closed..!!

I am getting scared. I already asked Kimi to wait in the car. and what should I do if I can't get out from this building? I running down the stairs like super fast!! the stairs seems like have no ending. 

And finally, I succeed to go out from the emergency stairs. But that was not all!!

The area I stand on have an automatic gate, which will automatically closed once the mall is closed. The door was getting closed to each other and I could't make it to go through it. 

But there is a little space below the gate, so I'm sliding on the floor to go through it. Alhamdulillah, I succeed. 

But that was not all.

I saw someone, a guy standing behind his car. My vision is blurry, maybe because I didn't wear my spec. (told ya, specky people should wear spec while sleep, this will help them in their dream, :p)

I didn't know what he did but I just stand up to go and get my brother and my mom. BUT, that guy keep shooting at me. And at that moment, the dream become so slow motion. I try to avoid and keep moving. He's chasing me. 

I was so scared, just what is in the world that I dream about people shooting at me! This is not the first time!! Of course I am getting scared. Knowing there is people who want to kill you is just a scary thought. 

Scene 7

I saw my brother in the car, already help me starting the engine. He looked at me, waiting for me to get in but I couldn't even get closed to the car. The guy keep shooting me. It hurts me seeing my brother in the car, looking at me blankly. I want to cry. 

Scene 8

My mom was shouting angrily at my teacher and my classmate, childhoods friends. I do not know what happen exactly. 

Scene 9 

(bla...bla..bla..bla...bla..bla) I don't know what I asked Ainan, in front of the others. Then Ainan said "I am getting him for you la Rhan" owh, since when Ainan call me Rhan? owh this is a dream anyway, anything is possible!! Ainan try to say that she is enjoying this party for a purpose, the purpose is, she is trying to make Khuzir like me. And that is the reason why Khuzir smile at me. **urrgghhhhhhh

I shout at her, I never liked him. Not before, not now and not even the future, just why don't you all people do not want to understand?? They all looking at me, unbelievable.

*** 

\

I do not know how it ends, but as long as I remember, the last scene is between I see Kimi in the car or the scene where my mom shouting angrily at my friends. The thing that I sure the most is, I am waking up at 6.00am and feel so tired. I hate this kind of feeling, waking from a nightmare. 

I am scared. Until when, this kind of nightmare will end? until when, this childhood memories will haunt me? 

I am tired, I just want to live my life, normally, beautifully and peacefully. 

Is it too much?

To Macca they go

Assalammualaikum and hi, *smiley *smiley *smiley. Lot of things happen within this past week. 

Starting with a lot of stress at workplace, which make me decide not to work here once I finish my studies and because of that amount of stress, I am thinking about working very very very hard just to ensure that I will not work under people. I want to be a boss, with my bossy attitude, I think that big elegant exclusive chair really suite me well. Hhaha :p 

But that is not all you know, even if I want to be a boss, I will need to start from the ground. Only that way will teach me how to appreciate my position later on. I mean, as a boss, I must how people under me do their work and of course as a boss, I must know how to do it at a first place. That is why, this amount of stress will be a good lesson for sure. And as I looking back at it, I guess, I will face more in the future right? I can't stay in my comfort zone like forever. 

*cut*

Last Saturday, I went to Kelana Jaya, sending off my parents to perform their Haji at Macca. O Allah, how I wish I could be there with them. Ayah had told my siblings and I that, insyaAllah if the business goes well, we  (a whole family) will go there to perform umrah/haji together. I pray to Allah that He will answered that prayer.

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah who helped us in our matters. Mama ayah were in KT01, the first batch who will fly and they went to Madinah. The moment kaki mereka melangkah masuk kedalam gate, ada satu rasa which I don't know how to describe. Satu perasaan yang sayu and syahdu. Satu perasaan yang meletakkan aku dalam keadaan redha tanpa rela. 

Sending off your loved one sure wasn't easy. Seeing my little siblings cries have melt my cold heart, but I am sure couldn't so much kan? I am a big sister, a reason for them to be stronger. I cry too but not as lot as baby and Kimi. Of course they will cry a lot, they spend most of their times with mama ayah. And they are the youngest, of course they feel so sad. And as for Kak Farah, she is the eldest. Her responsibility towards her siblings is really big. She said, I will be the hardest to tame. Having a head which is hard like stone is not easy tho :p 

I grow old, but my sister- she never stop worry about me. And leaving her doing all that responsibilities during our parents absent really put me in pain actually. I mean, I really want to help her, to stay beside her during this time but she is the person who do it all. Time just nor fit perfectly for me to do that. 

I hope mama and ayah will be just fine and can focus performing their ibadah. And if they go semata demi Allah, then I should redha. Always pray the best, where ever they are. 

p/s: bila jarak menjauhkan, yakinlah doa itu mendekatkan.  

Short stories: Nameless Bond

I saw him, with his friend.
I know that friend quite well.
They dress up well in suits wearing blue shirt.
Like usual, both of us look and feel awkward to each other.
I really want to talk to him but my ego stops me and both of
us don't want to look weird in front of his friend, so I let him
go with my eyes still looking at his back.

When his friend was leaving his side,
I went closer to him and seeing him with some other friends.
I gather all my courage to say this *calling his name "lets talk"
He excuse himself from his friends and walk along beside me.

"what do you want to tell me yesterday?"
"owh, it's nothing"
"nope, even if it's nothing you must tell me"

Then, we need to take elevator.
I don't know where we need to go.
I am wearing my black Jubah as always, and both of us
try to catch up the lift before I eventually fall on the floor
while he's already get into the lift.

and suddenly, he appear in front of me who still on the floor,
I am trying to get up.
He offering help by lending me his hand.
I grab.

Then, we both running to get into the lift.
But when we arrive there,
there is no one inside the lift anymore.
And the floor that both of me and his was on, suddenly lifted.
As we are on the lift.

After running. We smiled to each other. Trying to catching
our breath.
And I letting go my hand from him.

He smiled.
I looked down at the floor.

He was changed to his karate suit.
He got training today, and I watch over him from the
spectators seats.
At the seat, I met with his friend (not the one who came with him earlier)
He's someone else, and I know him too.

We talked.
I barely remember what we talked about because
I was not focusing our conversation.
My eyes still trying to look for him at the gelanggang karate.
Suddenly his friend block my sight by standing right in front of me.
His face was really close with mine, and whoever seeing it from
wrong angle, could say that we were kissing!

I was worried if 'he' saw this scene.
I quickly moving backwards.

and the dream continue with I having fun on the slides (somewhere like theme park).
and he is not in my dream anymore, because I think at that time, his soul already went
back to his body.

To be continue....

Nameless bond continued

Again and again.
I try to be kind.
I try to show my affection towards him.
But he's like trying to avoid me,
he's not going to talk to me anymore,
and he's not replying my message like before,
he no longer try to not stop talking to me.
He cut off the topic just like that.

I don't understand what is in his mind.
and what he sees in me?
and what he think about me?
one month I struggle with my heart,
trying really hard not to text him,
finally, when the day I succeed finally arrived,
he come back and waver my heart again and
once again ignoring me like this.

I totally mad.

Now, another one month and more to be added.
This year, I hope he will not wish my birthday, or
else, I will melt again.

Nameless Bond

Dear Harry, 

I have feeling towards you, 

and what kind feeling is it,
is still undescribable and unexplainable. 

I like you because of you, 

and I feel comfortable being your friend. 

I thought to save our friendship, I shall 

ignore my feeling because I honestly, 

do not want losing you, as my friend. 

That is why, 

I act like I don't care. 

I am a bit rough when I speak to you. 

Not because I hate you but because it 

was my self defenses. 

I need to put it up, or else you need to face 

a 'me' who have feeling towards you. 

That's why, 

every time I feel like having text with you so much

and you shortly reply, I abruptly stop messaging you 

unless you start first. 

Because I don't want you think that I want to cling with you,

(even I really want to). 

I scared that you will start distance yourself when you think 

that I have feeling towards you, because I know that you'll 

not like it that way, because you already have someone in 

your heart, that is why - 

I didn't contact you if you didn't contact me first. 

I didn't like your post, images etc. 

I didn't whatsapp you though I check your profile 

everyday, just to see whether you online or not. 

but 

I will always lose with a battle I set for myself. 

I usually will set up one month for not contacting you

since our last conversation, 

but last time, I lose when we eventually met at your restaurant. 

I seriously think that you are not in JB, that is why I go there. 

but this time I win. 

the last conversation is about 11 July, 

and yesterday, I'm officially win. 

Yesterday, I was a bit depressed (the whole week, feel like so depressing) , so I sleep early. 

owh, before that, I've updated my status at facebook, saying that "internship is tough, but i'm tougher" 

I continuously motivate myself, I need that, so I need to compliment myself better. 

This week was very hectic. I need to cover Yvonn's work and face Amy who didn't like the way Yvonne teach me, and I start to feel like stupid ass. *urgh 

Plus, my table mate beside me was making a scene with. Last time I asked her to put down my picture that she just uploaded at instagram because people can see my lengan (my fault sebab tak pakai hand sock) that is why I request her that favor, but she's not talking to me the next day. I try to talk to her like usual, but she seem unfriendly, so I keep my mouth shut, do not want to bother her, but now it has been few days and she still didn't want to talk with me. So I let her be, if she mad at me because I need to cover my aurah, then it means that she not respect me as her friends, so I take my decision, to let her be. I have greet her first and my responsibility has been carried out. What ever she think of me, that wouldn't matter because I never matter in her life pun, so why should I care so much. But I love that ukhti so much, it just she love me lesser. 

*cut 

back to my story, 

I charged my phone and turn my cell off. 

I do not want any disturbance from notifications. 

so, this morning, I wake up by checking my phone first. 

I received so much notification from facebook, friends are liking my post and so far, that was among the highest, but what shocking me is, Harry who never like or comment in any of my status, has liked and even commenting on my status. 

"hello, apa cerita sekarang"

"anyway, kau tukar no ke?"

why asking that publicly? he never acted that way. I am worried and happy at the same time. 

I replied to his comment right away, not even think for a second. I looked at the time he commented was on 11 August 2015, 11pm. 

What to do? How should I feel? when I feel like I got rejected by the same person? 

He then said that he have something to say, but I wasn't reply, that's why he asked whether I've changed my phone number. Of course it was like that, takkanlah he will stalk me like I stalk him kan. I asked about the things he need to say but currently he is not in mood to have any conversation, he also was watching you tube, so I understand that he doesn't want to talk to me right now. 

(rejected again) 

dia memang suka buat aku rasa like I got rejected, but then he will come again to waver my heart. 

Why he's being like that? I don't know why, but with this one, I keep falling every time our eyes meet. 

I have noticed him since the day of orientation. I wasn't have any feeling towards him back then, knowing my friend who like him, I wasn't think that he will become someone important for me. But, as far as I remember, we keep bump into each other, we greet each other with a smile, we noticed each other existence. Until March 2014, I feel like, something is lingering in my heart about him. Something I can't say yet I can feel, and now I am certain to say, at that very moment, my eyes was keep watching him and my heart keep saying his name. And as Allah's plan, we eventually become friend to each other. And I let him in, to my life with peace and blooming happiness.

I still remember, asking him '"when you noticed me for the first time", 

"on the day of orientation la" he replied. And that answer really made my day. People say, when that feeling stay in your heart for 7 months and longer, then it means 'something'. As I keep count, it has been 1 year and 5 months for this nameless bond. 

I am being a crying baby lately

The reason why I can do what ever I want, 

The reason why I can break the rule, 

The reason why I can bluntly crazy, 

The reason why I can be so selfishly be me,

The reason why I can be a spoiled brat, is because, 

I have my sister.

Because I have dia, as my sister. 

Because I believe that she will cover everything for me. 

Because I know she will backed me up no matter what 

wrong I have done. 

Because I know that she will never able to mad at me for 

such a long time. 

Because I know that her love for me is just too much. 

Because I know that she will forgive me despite of my 

rudeness and harsh words. 

Because I know that she will stand by me, no matter how far I try to push her, 

and because I know, how deep her love for me, and may be greater than any love I have received so far. 

Because I am her best girl and no one can replace me, and having that thought, I am secretly jealous with my youngest sister, but no matter what, I believe she love me more than my other siblings. Hhaha. 

That is why, I never want to want her place. 

I never want to replace that eldest-child position, because it's too much burden for me and frankly speaking, I don't have the ability to bear with that burden and that is why I turn to become second child, hhaha. 

Even it means, that mamayah love her more than me - I secretly, seriously do not mind. 

Okay, as I have touched this issue, let me tell you more. We (human beings) can never lie about one thing, that is LOVE. Love is not something that you can give fairly, even you try to show its equality. And as I'm growing up, I come to realise this thing and start from that day onward, I never complain about my parent's love towards their children. 

Hey, don't mistake me okay. I love my parents very much, and even for every single sacrifices that they made for me, I could never pay them with something equal to that. And no matter how much I love them, it will never surpass their love for me. It just, they love my sister more. 

I know my parents and even all parents said that they love all their children equally, no one receive more and no one less. But every parents say that to make sure none of their children feel offended or unneeded, because kids tend to misunderstood. While actually, they need us, and love us and feel very thankful, grateful towards Allah because give us as a gift, but there is always one child that they favor most. Why? it depends on many reasons. 

And as for me, I have found the reason. 

I still remember, the day my parents read my diary. I've wrote a lot of despicable things which a 9 old kid shouldn't say. I wrote in my diary that I feel like I was an adopted children, because my parents always scold me. They are so fierce with me. And the most saddest part that night is, 

I am waiting for my dad who should fetch me after tuition BI at my teacher's place. It has been so late, so I decide to wait at the front of residential area. So I walked from my teacher's house saying that I am fine, because I think it will be more easy for my dad if I waited for him at the roadside. I will jump on the car when they arrived, I waited patiently. When my dad's car stop, I didn't see smile on his face. I feel scared looking at everyone in the car, who mute their voice.

As soon as we arrived at home, my dad talked to me angrily. I was puzzled for a while. And I don't know how, my dad saw my diary and he opened it and he read the part that I wrote "I feel like I've been adopted". He was really angry back then after read that. He asked me, what else that he didn't give me and what else that I want that he didn't fulfill, just what in the world that make me feel like an adopted kids. 

At that time, I know that my parents were actually truly hurts with my words and I really hope that my parents could forget it by now. Because, I know what ever happens, they will never traded me for something else. I know that they love me so much and really grateful to have me as their daughter. Even if I am not a mother yet, I can already imagine when my kid tell me that they're not mine. Auch, having a thought about it, already hurt me. My parents scold me for good reason, to shape me into a good person but I always mistook their intentions. Why I was so blind at that time? After that moment, my parents always say something like this when I did wrong "nanti kalau kita tegur/cakap sikit, kata kita tak sayang, habis nak cakap macam mana?". Aww, that break my heart you know. I regretting it more and more these days. They mad at me less. They advice me less. Maybe they think I will rebel. Maybe they scared that I will run out from home. Hey ya, forget to tell, I ever run off from home just because I want to get an ice cream. I wouldn't want to wait for my parents to come back home, so I sneak out from my baby sitter's house and walk to my mom's school, to get an ice-cream. See, how I make a scene? I hope I wont give birth another one of me. 

At the end of the day when I starting to realize, it is me, who feel so wrong. Just what have I done, to be blessed with such a goddess parents and siblings? In this world, I don't have any one friend who can accept my weakness like my family did, so when people asked me, who is family to me, my answer is, family is what my family is to me. My brother ever told me once, that he never able to figured out who I really am. He couldn't say that he know me well either, because he say that I am unpredictable. If I am in a good mood, that everything is okay, but when I got mad, I become crazy and sometimes, I could become a monster who say what she feel w/out ever think what others would feel. What kind of torture do I give to my siblings. They think of me as a scary person. Who should I blame when something like this happens?

Okay, back to my story. 

Throughout my 20 years of life, I have received a lot of love from my parents and until now, I only give them pains and disappointments. My sister is too good if people want to compare me with her. She study hard for our parents (of course for herself too) and always get a good grade, while I am not a really study person, so my parents couldn't say anything about me. Maybe they scared that I will rebel. So, they never really questioned when I got not-so-good-result, unlike my sisters and brothers. My dad will questioned, why they are not in TOP 5, what a lucky bastard am I, right?

Ha, I remember this one thing that my mom said, which make me feel like I am getting a hard slap right on the face. She said to my youngest sister that if she talked to me, she will never win. Because for her, I am really hard to handle, and I was too cold-hearted. She didn't know what should say to me anymore because to her, what her says will no longer matter to me anymore. And as she growing old, instead of I taking care of her feelings, she in the one who will watch what she says because she doesn't want her children feel offended. Looking at that, people can tell how rude I am, how bad I am, and how ungrateful I am. How sinful I am yet my mom still welcoming me everytime I throw myself into her arms. 

I know, that I care less about their feeling. I hurt them. I simply hurt people who love me most. Because of that, seeing my parents who love my sister more, won't hurt me anymore. Sometimes, I really want my dad talk to me like he did with my sister. He always told her his problems and sometimes, he entrust her with big responsibility and both of them always have things to say to each other. I secretly jealous for that, because I have nothing to share with my dad or my dad have nothing to share with me. But, I shouldn't feel that way. I have hurt them too much and I think I deserve it now. 

Above all of that, what I want to say is that - I love my parents so much. Too much, and will love them more and more. Looking at them who growing old, I hope that I will die first because living w/out them, I can never imagine. Ayah always like it when I massage his feet. That rough feet that he used to work for giving me a good life, everytime I touch it, there is one unnamed feeling lingering in my heart, which make me feel like I want to cry out loud. While mama, always like it when I play with her hair. Mama character is exactly same with my granny's who just passed away. She never want to trouble people. If she can do it, she will do it by herself, and what can I ask from Allah is to grant both of my parents happiness and a good health. I wished that they will be happy by the happiness that her children gives, and I really hope that me and my sibling could do what will make them feel happy. 

And as for me, I will start to work harder, to at least tebus balik all the pains that I give. 

Wow, quite long post so far, masa raya haritu, siap buat peace dekat ayah and say "{selamat hari raya ayah, maaf zahir batin tau)" hahha, how well I hid my feeling away, but today, I can't hold in it anymore. 

Till here. 

Nightmare

Take 1.

Lisa was carrying a baby, with her husband which at that time is Shah Rukh Khan. She was paying RM81 to the cashier for six person's cinema ticket. I don't remember what movie they are watching because I am busy watching at them. SRK's friend sat beside Lisa, and SRK was giving a sign to him so that they changes the seat. 

I don't know why, but Lisa seem to mad at SRK. 

Take 2. 

Lisa is a well married lady. She is happy with her husband and already had one child. She is beautiful and polite. Every man in her kampung always dream to have her as their wife. 

And in her kampung, there is one family who is really obsessed with Lisa. Not even the son, but his parents also want Lisa as their in laws despite Lisa got married or not. Isn't it sound crazy?

And it happened, that family try to kidnapped Lisa (urm, not really because they did that in front of Lisa's family and husband, which at that time, was not Shah Rukh Khan) 

It was a battleship in front of the house, which I don't know either Lisa's or that-family-who-want-her-in-their-family. 

Lisa's mama was fighting with that boy's mom. Her dad and his dad. Her husband and that boy who want Lisa. They fight fist to fist. And Lisa try to protect her parents and husband. At one point, that boy hit Lisa. Lisa's husband see that and hit that boy really hurt. 

Suddenly everyone stop when Lisa said she is hurt. She got stomach ache which actually miscarriage. Lisa feel so angry towards that boy and his family. The hatred was too much, it turn to grudge and resentment. I think if Lisa dead, she will hunt that family for their lifetime. 

Take 3. 

Lisa packed all her things. She didn't see her parents and her husband anywhere. She is not even looking for them. Lisa packed her bag and want to move out from the house. 

There are two or more girls outside the house. And that boy's parents who wanted Lisa also in the house. The mom is watching Lisa with guilty face and the father was taking bath in the room. 

The two girls outside the house was trying to trap Lisa. I don't know why. I didn't see their face. I don't know why I just watching and  do nothing. The house suddenly black out. Lisa couldn't see anything. 

Take 4.

Light was on. The mom of that boy, trying was looking for Lisa. and she hear Lisa's voice from her husband's room. She went there hurriedly. Lisa was there, crying at the corner when she opened the door. Her husband came out from the room with blank+guilty face. He only had towel on her lower body. 

Lisa do not know how she could be in here. After the black out, she just stay at one place didn't move. So she cried, because she was scared to be in that room. The father of that boy, didn't do anything. He too, still feel so guilty because of Lisa miscarriage. 

Lisa came out from the room - ignoring the mom. I didn't see the boy around.

Take 5. 

When Lisa came out from the house, there is no Lisa anymore in this scene. It was me. I was carrying the bags. My brothers come and help me. As I came out, I saw a new call with Iriz, Myvi shape called Ninja. I guess, one day, I should propose to build a car with that name. 

My dad just bought Hilux last month (reality), and in this scene, he bought another one. White color. When my brother want to load in the bag into the car, my dad was asking us to load it in the other hilux. He want to make surprise for my youngest brother. 

My sister and brother argue a bit about me who get a car from my dad eventhough I still not finish my study yet. I remain silent. Because when I think back, yes, my dad has give me a lot. 

*cut*

I woke up. Feeling so tired because of that dream. When I met a doctor, they say that when someone sleep and have a dream, it shows that that person is actually having a good rest. Because she is really fall into a world that entirely their own. 

But if I really have a deep and good sleep, why I feel tired. Why I feel like my brain is working for 24 hours and why I didn't feel energetic at all. I get tireder, than my yesterday. Very urghhh.

I told Kak Zuri about my dream and - we laugh. How merepeks my dream is. But looking back at my dreams, I asked Kak Zuri either she ever had deja vu. 

Because I ever dream about getting email from unknown person, who asking me to scan the documents again because it was not in right position. 

Heck. 

I told myself that. I mean, what the heck that I need to arrange and amend the documents that you need. You can just do it by yourself. 

but that is not the point. 

The point is, the things in my dream turn out to be true and suddenly I got goosebump, thinking about it. 

One of my role as an internship at BDPJB is receive documents from customer and amend, revised it following the information given. And will need to update them and also scan the documents for their revision. 

After all, I was so tired today. 

Hopefully, tonight I having no dream. Either good or bad, I just do not want it all. I told ya, I can't sleep with the present of light. Even a light from your phone could distract me.

Unstable

I think I've talked a lot about how accident prone I am. How I always make mistake when what I mean is to just help. How I always make people into trouble for my faults. 

and I hope that people will know, how hard is it for people like me to struggle and win over myself. 

because somehow, no matter what we did, we never be any help for others and we keep doing mistakes. 

I don't know under what category this disease in. Everyday, every single day, I hope that I can at least do something right. And you know how hard it is to bear the feeling?

A feeling that make you feel like one useless thing in the world. 

which make you feel so down, so pathetic and so upset. 

You know how much courage do people like me need, to stand again? You know how much hatred do I hold towards myself because of living so shamefully by troubling others and keep troubling them, even if I do not want to. 

*cut 

Today I think I know why I'm being like this. I think I know why I keep doing mistake. It is because I listen to what I want to hear. I see what I want to see. I know what I want to know. I believe what I want to believe. 

I never want to acknowledge anything beyond that. 

I have no courage to face my weakness. I keep hiding behind my mask. I pretending and while I was playing a good role, I already forget who I am. Isn't it tragic?For me to forget me, when I am fully awake? 

I was funny and was laughable to people. Why it become like that?I like it and hate it at the same time. 

Why I couldn't have one certain feeling at one time and stay with that?

*cut 

I merepek again. 

I, certainly found the answer, why I'm being like this. I scared that I will found any weakness underneath me. 

I scared that the weakness beneath me will appear. So, I keep doing what I know because I am scared I couldn't do more. I see what I want to see, because I am scared I'll see something that hurt me, something that will reveal what I don't like to see. I only hear to an extent that benefited to me and ignore the rest because I'm scared that I will hear something that I do not want to hear. 

and what is the thing that I do not want to see, hear and know? 

People are always scary. They always told you story who let you down. They always do things that make you sad. People around me do give me different expression and reflection when it comes to me. I mean, some people feel comfortable because I was so warm and nice. but others do find me incredible when I stood for myself, eventhough it makes me look selfish. How can I play two character in one body?

Back then, people were not close to me because I was so cold. My face is so fierce, I looked old than my actual age. As that thing happen, I always able to speak out my mind, even it means I losing my friends. Because

back then, I don't really care about what people say about me and because of that I am losing my precious friends. 

I think, that was when my turning point begin. 

Now, I try to be more calmer and nicer. I train myself to accept thing as it is and also accept that not everything will go my way. It work. Now, I feel like, I am a good friend. I am such a warm person and comforting others with good advises that me too couldn't do it. *urg  Now, when I got mad or disagree on something, I will hold back and keep my opinion to myself until I cooled down. 

When I was in stable mood, I will find out that, what happened earlier wasn't really a big matter, so I'll let it go. As time passed, I thought I will forget about that, but I was wrong. There will come a time, when I upset with myself because I didn't express my opinion. There will always come a time, when I am regretting so much because I holding back. The time that I mentioned do come and recently, it comes frequently. 

But when I am looking back. I realise that, even though I am being hated by others while being so cold. I could be so strong. I do not cry for small thing. I can speak out my minds. I feel satisfied when not holding back my words. I can go easy with myself because there is no heart that I should care. There will be nothing that mind me.

and 

I am hating myself now. Because I love many people now, I am getting weaker. I get so sensitive. I sweat on small things. I get hurt by people words. I get hurt when they leaving me. and the most pathetic one is, I am becoming so pathetic. I feel like people used me for their benefit, but everyone live by using others capabilities, aren't they? so what's a big deal? Hahaha, I'm just making a ruckus here. 

I wasn't ambitious as I ever be - I hate that fact most. 

But, there also have one thing that I am grateful for being a now-me. I love my family more. I love my mama ayah and my siblings more. Even though, they are right in front of my eyes, I always miss them. No matter how much we disagree on thing, I always love them. and no matter how much arguments I have with them, I still miss and love them.Sometimes, I couldn't breath thinking of how much I missed them. and sometimes, I will just cry rather than called them. I don't know why I am become like this. 

Babbling and write it down here, I must be crazy. I probably get drunk uh??owh, how I wish I could. 

Now, I am crazy. 

Internship Days

I counting down the days.
Practically, I feel really excited and happy.
Because I'll be leaving JB after almost 3 years.
I really want to go out from JB and
never want to come back here in the future.

But, somehow, I feel sad too.
Maybe because there are so much memories
during my days here.

so, girly.

JB is a good town to stay, - with family.
Ermm, actually, no matter where you are,
staying with family is always better.
I don't know others, but I feel that way.

JB will be left with joy.
There is nothing that I'll regret about
while staying here.
Because when I see, how things get related to one another
in my life, it's actually make a perfect puzzle that nice to see.
and also nice to keep as memories.

I hope others will feel that way too.
That no matter, what ever happen, they will not regret
meeting each other, know each other and be friend with each other.
Even we always get hurt because of each other's words and action,
I hope that they will heal.
And most important, they not regret to be in each other's fate.

who knows, that fate can become destiny? :p

*cut*

I have a lot to prepare.
1.Logbook
2.Report
3.Assignment/project
4.Slide for presentation

and I have less than 25 days to do all that. owh no!!

Will end my internship on 29 August 2015 

and 

Will be presenting on 01 September 2015 

and 

Will register for my degree on 3 September 2015

I guess, end of this month will become one of really hectic days for me uh!
Need to catch up fast.

Till here, with lots of love - Han

A person I always missed.

When you leave, 

I feel lonely. 

and that makes me wonder, 

did I depend on you 

too much?

because suddenly I feel like 

there is no one I can talk to. 

I miss you. I could say that. 

Because my heart is dying 

trying to deny it. 

I try my best to forget you. 

I do many things to distract 

myself from thinking about 

you. 

I tell myself that, 

one fine day, I'll meet s'one 

else. 

Someone that suit me better 

than you. 

But, it's funny when my head 

doesn't really obey. 

Even at the time I really busy, 

my works will remind me to you. 

Like everything that I do everyday,

will remind me to you. 

because, 

there is always something that will remind me to you. 

Is that even possible? 

I will regret writing this for sure, 

if you not turn to be my husband 

at the end. 

And I will laughing at myself, 

and also need to ask forgiveness 

from my husband because talking 

about other man, before I met him. 

But what can I really do? 

I bragging a lot about you, 

to my dearest one. 

I talked about you a lot. 

I compliment you a lot. 

I do tell all that to others. 

I really like to share everything 

about you to others. 

I also wonder why. 

Are you have become my obsession? 

*geleng 

I am scared to tell you 

what I really feel/think about you. 

Because real "love story" began 

after married. 

I am glad that I ever know you. 

and it will be good if we are meant to

each other. 

But the one who are meant to me is 

far more greater than you, I am sure. 

I'll meet more people any way. 

My journey is long way to go. 

So, if not ever once you think about me

as much as I think about you, 

than I hope, what I feel will not thrown 

me down. 

I hope, this kind of experience will mature me 

and shape me into a young-sophisticated-lady. 

No matter how far we are, we are still looking at the same stars

And till our eyes meet again. 

Because I have strong instinct that we'll 

meet again. 

When the time comes, 

let say 'hi' for one more time. 

Thank you.