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Tomorrow is a surprised.

That's how it supposed to be.

But that's not how it exactly happening.

Because tomorrow is no longer a surprise.

At least for me.

Because everything is predictable.

This routine is killing me.

This unproductive, killing, is killing me. 

I was dying.

I was screaming.

But silence is everything that I hear.

Of falling in love and awakening

What if we fall in love?

What happen when our hearts is no longer ours?

What is the reaction changes on our body?

How our mind slowly shifted and shaped differently?

How is it possible for all these changes happening

without we realise it?

p/s: does it make sense to you?

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ 

In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful

A lot of thing happening since I last wrote anything in here. I am not busy with life. Why I say that? because I am pretty certain that I got time for movierathon. I had time spent hanging out with friends. However, I need to admit that I spend very little time to talk to myself like I regularly do. I had no time -- no. I do not ask myself if I am okay, or if there is something that is hard for me to say. I forget to ask myself that. 

Because I am like this. I don't even know when I am sad. 

I don't even know when I am angry, so I need to take another measures to ensure that my feelings are well taken care of.

I am bleed. 

Is it easy to find a soulmate?

Guysss!! Before I start, let me share a sad story with you. I have write the whole page of this entry and I accidentally deleted it all, and now, I could not even retrieve the entry I have written. Now I need to write it again T.T
Done #curahan

So let's write it again okay.

Soulmate. How do you recognize a soulmate? If you ask me that, I won't be able to recognize one. Not yet. But if you ask me how can I turn down men without giving them chances, my answer will be "I study myself. I embrace my weakness and cherish my strength. The more I got to know myself, the more I know, how kind of person my partner will be" and this idea of mine has always encourage me to work on self betterment for the sake of brighter future I may share with this man whose existence is not yet known in the world.

Call me old school, because I am so traditional like this 🌹
(My friends call me old soul for reason)

A soulmate, is someone I would like to make a family. I always believe, a marriage is not only a unite of two hearts but two family. I would love to care for his parents just like I care mine. And I wanted him to accept mine as his half too. I want to be a partner who provide support and I need partner who willing to do the same. Who willing to lend his wings, so I could fly high. Who hands are so warm that I won't forget my ground, and the most important thing, the one who always believe in me and want to grow together with me.

A soulmate, is someone who won't find us shameful when people thought of us as a weirdo. The one who accept the unique side of our darker world and willing to share his. A man who not correct me to follow his way, but a man who makes me feels like his way is the right one that I will follow wholeheartedly.

"You are too picky", "You don't deserve to be choosy, just accept anyone's who comes in your way" people told me these sort of things. I may be way too ugly, fat , dark and weird (even family couldn't handle my blunt, my laugh) I am so annoying -- for them, and they say, and I know it, but I love it. Haha. But a narcissist like me, I will claim that I am on the other level, that not many man could achieve. I am too rare, exotic kind. (Let me guys...let me haha)

Hello! Don't fat women deserve to be choosy? Everyone have right to choose who they wanted to spend their lifetime with. Because we are not talking about three years commitment. We are talking about possibility of 30 years and more of living together with the same person you will wake up next to, every single morning!! And ask yourself, again and again, are you willing to see me in my worst condition physical appearance and emotional state?

I am 24 years old this year, and I never been in any relationship. I have waited this long, and I wouldn't mind to wait a little bit longer. "You won't find one like that". Allah has promised. That He makes us in pair and He will grant us our prayer, if we ask. And I decide to have faith and believe in that.

I want a man who certain. Who not sway of others' opinion, who not waver on others' decision. Why? Because he's going to be a leader. And I do not want to be an assistant of someone who do not know what he's doing with his life. And most importantly, it is crucial to have a man who approach us with intention to marry us, and if we are really not destined to be together, only then we could say "that you came in my life either as a bless or a lesson". If you keep changing your partner in three/six months, these phrase won't really fit. No, it cannot fit.

I don't think meeting and breaking up will teach us what mistakes we did in relationship. Rather, the way we learn about ourselves and our acceptance to our partner. Our respect for each other's opinion and decision.

Oh no. Sorry for being a nagger on this topic, but I just have a lot to say about this. Because some people are worried already that I had no special friends at the moment. Today, my sister received a gift from his future husband and my brother suddenly ask me if I wanted to have anything. He wanted to give me a present too 🤣 he's being so cute. He is so thoughtful. But I make it clear that I am okay and I am not in rush.

Happiness will eventually come in our way. Plus, happiness is not only about two man fall in love, it is more and greater than that. Just like how my love for my parents grow every single day. Just how I feels it is hard to part ways with my family. Just like I am worried that my siblings will get their heart broken, etc. There are so much more beyond our typical love story. So people, open your eyes. Bless from God is everywhere -- either we choose to see it, or turn a blind eyes.

Till here, assalammualaikum.

p/s: Ok, I may never be in relationship, but I do have crush on these two person. I may share it later 🌹

Of wrong path taken

Assalammualaikum earthlings...

I used to feels irritated whenever I took wrong turn listening to waze instructions. That's why my doubts to waze/maps increase. However, as I am learning about life, I realise something. Something that really wake me up and something that really make me ponder why do I, always focusing too much on something that's so little which not worth my energy getting angry at.

I used to get angry when I am taking a wrong turn, because it will obviously taking more time, money and energy. Never did I realise, that I can only just follow the other way when they reroute, and as easy as that, I will be guided back to origin path. Nevertheless, I will still arrived at my destinations. And when I am thinking it back, it is not that I am taking a wrong direction, I am just taking a different one.

Same goes to our life. There is really nothing solid when it comes on making decision. Sometimes, we accidentally choosing the wrong path. However, the best thing about that is, we could always come back on the right path. We will be guided and Allah will guide us, if we seek for him.

Same goes to people who always comparing their life with others'. Very often, we forget that there is a lot of ways to a destination, and everyone choose differently, however it never means that those who choose different than us is wrong. Because we too, choose differently from others. Norm is something unusual in my dictionary. Because I always live up to believe that every single one of us shall live at their fullest, even though it means being called a weirdo. 

Now, when maps reroute, I follow and learn the road. So I wouldn't make mistakes the second time I take that road again. I embrace the journey. And that's how I feels more peaceful inside and able to see how beautiful is all that's meant to be happening.

I know walking alone is hard
But it is harder to walk with people who wanted to go different direction.
Learn to let things flow and as it was meant to be happen.

🌹

Of me and you

I am tired of seeking for your approval.
I am tired of living to meet your expectation.
And true to be told, this is not how I want to live.
You cannot dim my light, just because I choose not to shine, the way you does.

I love to see how you grow beautifully.
I am glad that all good things coming in your way.
I am grateful that you are all of want you want to be.
And I sincerely pray that you will eventually achieve all the dreams in your bucket list.
And I would want that for me too -- way differently.

Because I wasn't born as ethical as you
And I wasn't born as graceful as you
If you wanted a simple comparison
You are a typical noble while I am a free spirit rebel noble.

--

We are not too small for a big dream

Do anyone ever belittle you for having a dream they thought too good to be true? But guess what, I believe each and everyone of us, is seeking goodness instead of hatred, but we do not have faith that it is possible?

But if we believe that we could achieve that, then why not, we try. Because no one, is too small for a big dream. Do not let other painters, paint your canvas 🌹

Hati "tissue" is who?

I do not want to talk about that, but lets talk about that

Assalammualaikum w.b.t

Hi ladies & gentlemen. Very often we labelled those who easily cried over small things as "hati tissue", hati tak sado. Overly sensitive. Vulnerable. You name it. Those who shows, they will express through face expression, mouth pouting, or even crying. But my concern today goes to those who actually sad, torn and scarred but never shows. The one who keep it hidden. The one who try to keep it as a secret even to their own knowledge. How is it even possible, right? Do you ever think about that?

Growing up, I have heard a lot about second child symptom. They are literally more rogue than the first child. Stronger in term of energy and physical power. Hard headed, rebellious & funny. Second child can crack jokes anywhere, anytime. People feel so comfortable to hang around them, but not many can stand their hot headed. They are short tempered, so literally, they appeared stronger than the first born.

But I always believe, being strong is not determine by the least you cry. In fact, those who cried most, is actually the strongest. To cry, it needs bravery. To cry, it actually means that you have tried.

But the thing is, everyone cry. You always see people around you smiling, laughing and even live like they had no problems but as you do, all people crying too. So, do you ever ponder, when they cry? Where they cry? I think people who cry so much but wouldn't able to show it to other people is the one who suffered most. Because people didn't see and they didn't have anyone. They had themselves and Allah alone.

Oftestandrewards

No. No one said it was easy. But that test, is only to make us stronger. Just like the game we used to play. After we passed stage 1, we will go up to stage 2. And the level of difficulties will get harder. Sometime we feel restless, nervous and sometimes when we fed up for not surpassing the test, we leave the game. 

Are you getting it now?

Yes dear, Allah didn't want you to leave the game. HE wants to reward you, but the only way for you to receive that reward, you must first surpass the test. When you have accepted the challenge, walk over it. Go through the test, even if you fail, you can start over again., and those failures will only mature you, so you make better decision in the future. So when you had that much experience on playing that particular stage in a game after failing so many time, I believe, you will pass it. We will pass it. 

And I believe that everytime we play a game, we will become so eager to finish the game. No matter how many times we failed, we will try it again and again, until one day, we finally win, how joyful it taste. The winning taste better when we it is hard earn right? Same goes to our life. The harder it gets, the better we get. 

So friends, today, let's start our day fresh. Let's try again. Let's not run from our problems. Let's pass the test.

ADDICTION

I try to live without you

Believing that I will forget you

but it is not as easy as stop drinking coffee

when I open my eyes, I will remember you again

perhaps it is like this, I'm addicted to you

if I can't see you for one day

I cant stand it

I love you and I don't have any regrets

even though I don't say a word

how could I forget you

when my heart is still full of tears

I love you even if you are not there

even if you're dead

even if it's hopeless

because I miss you

because I never blame you 

why is it so serious

why does it hurt sometime

why it so familiar just like a disease 

that I could not forget

perhaps it is like this

I am addicted to you

by - kjk

Goodbye

I predicted this day coming.

That, no matter

if I confess or not,

we will end up being a stranger to each other.

We could never be friends anymore

and we could never be more than that.

And that's the fact

that took me one month to get myself together.

You are no love of life,

You are a lesson learnt,

Chapter I close without a wish of coming back

Now, rest in peace.

Used to it

"I'm used to it"

It means, 

I'm hurt

and you are hurting me

at the very same place

everytime,

and each time, 

it never hurt less. 

I might feel numb 

because of the frequency

of its occurrence, 

but who could guarantee,

how long could a beast pretend,

to be a princess?  

and those who not knowing, 

what possibly could happened to them?

Things about life

That's the thing about life,

there are ups and downs

there are high and fall

there are laugh and tears

there are sky and ground

sun rise so we could do our very best

sun set so we could rest our heavy head

and that's the thing about life

no matter how much it bitter,

it still contains the most sweetest memory ever.

no matter how much it stained, 

we always know that we can start all over again.

Sejuta tangis takkan mampu terbanding perih.
Sejuta kata tak termampu bendung galaunya hati.
Untuk setiap insan yang begelar ibu dan ayah.
Dimana pun kalian.
Sungguh, aku mohon sungguh2, biar istanamu di syurga nanti.

I would be lying if I told you that I never think of that. I am twenty three now and I had friends who already happily married and had babies of their own. I am happy for them and truly am. I am still single when I am witnessing other's love story and I am okay with that. 

A friend once told me that I should look for someone instead of waiting for someone to come. She said, love is like a job, you won't get it if you didn't look for it. However, I am afraid that I might disagree with her, because there are three ways of having a job

1) Rejection - you got rejected from one interview and you go to apply another one. This is what we called unrequited love. You love him/her, but he/she just couldn't love you back. 

2) Recruitment - here is when you seek for the job and you secured the job as the employer accept you. This is what it's like when you both want each other. Thais is where you get to stay beside someone you love. You seek him/her and they accept you. And this is what happened to majority of us.

3) Scouted - you are not seeking for the job, but the job is seeking for you. This is exactly a kind of love story that I want. The one who will seek for me instead of me seeking him, why? because he is a man and he should look for what he had lost (his tulang rusuk), hhaha, cringe I know. 

At the end, everyone can choose which kind of love story they wanted to him, either 2 or 3, because 1 is completely not in anyone's list though it often happened to us

So the whole way to our home, my friend keep talking about how she wanted a marriage and how she want to give birth and raise her keen, but I was thinking if it all as easy as what we all dreamed about, I might get married tonight. Hahaha

But, that is not all matters. Love itself is not enough for me to consider that I should marry you. Out of love, marriage is a responsibility. From responsibility, you will learn how to respect and from there, you could nature love inside your heart and grow together to perfect the imperfection of two human being who will bloom together. 

And with our current economic crisis, plus there won't be any Hak Bumi applicable after ICERD was announced, I need to work not twice but tripple times harder than everyone else, to secure my position (stable monthly income), and I need to gain knowledge as much as I can, so I could make something out of it. I must use it to invent new sop, so I could excel in my field. (call me a dreamy head as it is the most satisfying fiction, exclusive but free, but who knows right - doa yang baik2)

My family and I don't really get out to town on weekend. We can count, just how many time that we go to Malacca town and its never because we want to tour Malacca. We just need to attend weddings or we need to buy something that we can only get at town. Most of the time, we spent our time at home.

We did have our own style to do our weekend. My parents never run out of new things.

So, as Hawa came to Malacca last week (unexpectedly), so I brought her to look around, but she already went to Jonker walk with Sha, so she insist not to bring her there. She can't walk any more. Hhaha!! Nak sangat jalan kan *evil laugh*

On the morning, the rain was so heavy that we decided to go out after zuhur prayer.

The first place we go to visit: Encore, Klebang, Malacca.

Encore is actually a new place (not fully furnished), but have started operating not long ago. It is a hall theater and just like cinema, they got theater play, everyday. I wasn't managed to look up the ticket pricing, as I was too busy taking pictures -- of Hawa 😑 (yeah, Hawa being Hawa)

All in all, the building is so beautiful. I would definitely look for the person who design this building and obviously salute, for thousands people working to make it real.

I am wearing mask because I just berbekam on the morning, so my pores are wide open. Therefore, need extra protection! 

We didn't stay long because it was too hot. I cannot open my eyes. So we decided to go and get Coconut Shake Klebang which Hawa insist to get one. Even after I have recommend her better places.  But this is also my first time having The Viral Coconut Shake Klebang. My family and I aren't the kind yang willing to wait in a long queue, just to get something that we can get elsewhere. We just like that. Hhaha. We do respect those who had a lot of patience waiting -- like Hawa.

So, this is the only picture I had while waiting for CS.

I guess, we all look like -- sleeping?? I don't keep the picture, but you guys can google how CS Klebang looked like. Personally, I ever had CS tastier than this. We all had different preference, so let just enjoy it. Aftetall, I am not a picky eater.

The thing about friendship is:- 

We friend for benefit. And yes, it is true. We can no longer deny ourselves that we indeed need friend because we want someone to hear our problems, to be with us, to be there. And to ask even that, is also benefit that we seek of having friends. Therefore, friends for benefit is true, but how does it becomes wrong?

It becomes wrong, when we don't understand our limit.

A new leaf

Padam semua tentang semalam, 

agar terhapus diam segala dendam, 

agar belum terlewat,

untuk campak semua di lautan dalam,

sebelum kapal dikemudi tenggelam,

kerana silap salah masa silam.

dan layarkanlah semangat yang baru,

untuk menjadi seorang yang baru,

yang lebih baik akhlaknya,

yang lebih baik fikirannya, 

yang lebih molek rohaninya,

yang lebih sihat jasmaninya,

insyaAllah

Assalammualaikum earthlings :') 

I have been missing writing so much. I have intention to update it more regularly to make sure that 'the feeling' was there when I was writing it. Because one thing about writing a blog, if you hold the stories for too long, delaying your time to write, the excitement of an event that occur in your life will slowly went away. And by the time you are ready to write, the feeling is not there anymore. 

So, when that happen, I will usually staring on my laptop screen, wondering, what should I write. Hhaha.

Before this, I love to write poems. People who get their heart broken sure have ideas flow like waterfall, but now, as I am healing, I have more to talk about and I just couldn't seem to compressed it in a short poem. So, here is the essay-like post. 

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah that I am not officially working. Yes, eventhough I couldn't enjoy my honeymoon time after degree like some others before started working, I just feel as much grateful and thankful that Allah make it easy for me. Sometimes, I did whining because of my exhaustion, because I feel too overwhelm with taking my diploma earlier than my friend, enroll for degree the next day after finish my diploma (like, Monday I present my diploma internship program, and pack up my things balik melaka, on Wednesday, I went to Perak to register for degree on Thursday). 

The longest holiday I ever get is two weeks, because while I was on second semester, I was nominated as student representative committee, for two consecutive years. so yeah, no holiday! You can find me at my campus, every single day. Last semester before I went for internship, I had a program at Satun Thailand and we came back from Thailand 30th December 2017 and I went back to Malacca after, and on 1st January, I packed my things, moving to my rental room at Kuala Lumpur to start my degree internship on 2nd January.

Finish my intern on 8th June. And continue working at my internship company until 6th July 2018, and the next day on 7th July 2018, I started working at my current company; Mediterranean Shipping Company (MSC) 

And yeah, since that, I never updated you guys anything because I have been to busy!! Like super busy that I am tired of it but I like it. I like have something on my plate. I usually go back from office earliest at 6p.m and there are times I go back at 9.00p.m. but usually, I go back at eight or eight thirty. I am new and I have  a lot to learn. I cannot do that eight to five for now, because if I wanna catch up with the seniors, I need to work two or three times harder than them. I need to be more diligent than them. Yes, I am very competitive, but only with myself who live yesterday *wink*

Now that I am kind of settle and get used to my work, so I managed to organized my time better. 

**

Okay, now I will get to point. Remember when I told you that I was too overwhelmed with everything. Since I start my internship, every months are very challenging to me. It's like one after another. Bad things keep befall upon me and my family, 

Officially a careered woman

Assalammualaikum earthlings, 

There are two things that has been happening to me which make me ponder how loving Allah is. To those who follow me, you will know that I rant so much about my internship supervisor. Eventhough anything else are okay, I choose to focus on things I don't like and people who make me uncomfortable. The thing is, I focused on my misfortune more that countless blessing, Allah has bless me with. 

Yes, everyone had their own hardships and struggles. Each and everyone of us. In various ways that we couldn't think of. That person you see laughing this morning, they had their struggle. The actress on the screen, who show nothing but happiness and smiles are struggling. It's only the way we show it might differ. 

Since January 2016, my struggle is all about dealing with people as I know I am no good at it. While I have been looking for job, Mr.J (my Korean boss at MS) offer me a job. I did work there fore one week and then leave on the next day, to work with new company MSC. Mr. J has been very supportive and ask me not to lose contact with him, I am glad that I crossed path with someone like him.

Days and nights, I have asked Allah, why me? when will this end? Could I just had a normal live like other people did> I ask Allah to give me strength. I ask Allah to give me patience and there are times when I cry everytime I perform my prayers because I just couldn't take it. That was my first time, catching fever due to over stress. 

But now, six months has passed, and Allah give me a good news. I am an official careered woman. And oh ya, I will have many commitments 

Alhamdulillah, a new journey begun. The second half of the year may be fruitful for me as it shown a good start. I was employed by Mediterranean Shipping Company (MSC), the second largest container shipping liner in the world after Maersk. 

All praises to Allah that the processes were eased. I got offered on the same day I attend the interview. I quit working at Macor Shipping (MS) on July 6, and started to work at MSC on July 7. Yes, it was fast and fast enough to make me doubt if this is all real.

I looked happy though, even with that tired face because I swear, I did feel exhausted mentally and physically. Because I quit from MS on Friday, July 6 and on that night, I move my belonging to new rental room at Shah Alam, all the way from Bukit Jalil. On Saturday, I already start working! It was hectic that when I go back to Malacca the next weekend, my mom look at me and say, among my siblings, I was the only (so far), who never had a long break. 

Since I start my diploma, the next day I finish diploma, I enroll for degree and after that internship, and finish internship, I work at MS for one week and then leave for good, and the next day, I started working at MSC. 

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ 
In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful

 

Assalammualaikum and holla September. How time flies (my favorite lines!) you guys must have been tired to read this line everytime I post new entries, but that's the truth about time. It flies. And not a second ago, will be the same as now. The problem with us is that, we think we had plenty times. We think that we won't die tomorrow. We think, we have no possibilities to end up in a car accident which occur every single day! We thought that it could never be us, to die, today.

After I finished my internship at MS, I joined MSC (the very next day). Yes, I had no times to enjoy my 'honeymoon' time. During my degree, I don't really had a long break because I attend short courses and as student representative, we don't go back home as frequent.

I am not an official careered woman. I go to work at 8.00 a.m. and usually come back at 8.00 p.m. because things are still new to me, and in order to catch up with senior's pace, I need to work double and sometimes triple times harder than them. But worried not, I am  not going crazy. 

Remember how I have been describing my life as a roller coaster ride these past six months? Today I simply want to share with everyone, how did we experience such roller coaster ride in our life, and why shouldn't we feel like that. 

Assalammualaikum and hi September :) 

I couldn't believe that it is September already. How much time flies and I know you had been reading the same line over and over again throughout my previous posts. 

However, that's the truth. 

Remember when I told you that I had a roller coaster ride of life for the past six months? And how I was terrified because I am so new with that? 

So today, I gonna talk about something which reveal the true meaning behind a roller coaster ride and why, we often feel like that. 

Last weekend, I attend Ustadha Yamin Mogahed class in Kuala Lumpur. God knows how I have been wanting to meet her personally, to attend to her class and see her eyes to eyes. No one ever knows how I bit my tounge everytime I looked at the ticket price, knowing I cou

Jujurnya hari pertama is awkward for me, sebab aku kena pergi from one table to another untuk greet all officemate. Some greet me cheerfully, like I can see that they are sincerely welcoming me, and of course they did told me their name but I couldn't remember one, sebab aku bukan jenis cam muka dan nama orang dengan sekali pandang unless they attracted me with their appearance or personality. 

The whole day, aku banyak spend masa in front of computer and people from HR asking for my EPF number, telling me what I should and what I shouldn't do at MSC, where I can get help, and mostly, I have been through like a lot of protocol things la. And because it is Monday, so, they are all busy to chase the dateline and to settle down their things, so they had no time to train me.

I go back early. 5pm on the dot, I chio already from the office. Kebetulan, I had planned with Dhia, Syed and Afif for a dinner and wayang time. So yeah, that night, for the first time, aku jelajah subang jaya. For the first time ever tau, so now, aku dah boleh nyanyi lagu, budak subang jaya, memang ada gaya, hari2, hari raya! 

I had a great start la, with work and total surrounding as a whole. The next day, aku pergi vessel vist at Westport, Port Klang. Ada tiga benda aku buat during this visit that are; port tower, depo and vessel. This view of port is no longer asing for me, sebab aku dah pernah visit Kapar and Lekir Bulk Terminal. The only thing yang berbeza is Wesport seems more neat and clean. sebab dia focus on container, kalau operate dry bulk macam grain, coal and iron ore, kotor juga.

How to handle rejection: - 

We must first understand, 

that we are powerless toward our feelings.

It goes beyond our control.

It comes naturally and

knock our door unexpectedly.

Therefore, accept it.

Accept that feeling,

because only then you can decide.

If he is single,
and he rejected you.
Simply because there is no spark between you two.
We cannot force our feelings towards him.

New Leaf

I saw you today, 

with someone else.

I saw you smile, 

and it was never with I.

I am all okay, 

I am fine.

I didn't resent you, 

nor I hate you,

because love does not

mean you'll become mine.

I am happy,

to know how kind you are,

because Allah has promised,

to send someone kinder,

if we are not meant together.

So, for something greater

which will come after,

how would I cry a liter of tears?

Thank you,

Thank you for coming, 

and soon, 

leaving.

#newleaf

Hello July

Assalammualaikum July :) 

Do anyone anticipated July or is it only me? I think this year, I anticipated almost every months, because I wanted to finish this (internship) quickly! Last June, on 8th, I have officially finish my internship period at MS. 

Three month before, I have actively applied for job vacancy at shipping + logistic related company. However none of them is calling me back. When I was applying through job street, I saw my resume has been reviewed by the employer. Some reply back, telling me, that I am not fit in the position. Some left me hanging. And there comes a good lesson about it -- never left someone hanging. 

Always provide a clear answer, so people could move on. In my case, if the company rejected my application, inform me -- so I could apply to another. No hard-feeling. 

Before I finish my internship. My boss, Mr. J and his wife, Ms. K offer me job at their company. Everyone who has been following me must know the reason why I could no longer stay at the company. However. both of them are so kind to me which makes it difficult for me to decline their offer + I had no job offer yet! so that's mean I will 'tanam anggur' after study and I certainly would never want that. so, with heavy heart -- their offer accepted. 

I spend my Cuti Raya, trying very hard to ignore my anxiousness.

Two days before I start working at MS (Monday), I received a call from SL company. They call me for an interview. The next day (Tuesday), the whole family sent me to SL, because we will go to my parents' friend after. The next day (Wednesday), I start working at MS. I don't feel anything. I wasn't excited at all. My head was intense. On my first day working, I have received a call from MSC for an interview. And I got accepted right after I finish my interview with compliance manager (Thursday). I can start at 2nd July 2018. 

However, they didn't give me an official offer letter yet. So, I was in difficult situation whether to submit my resignation letter or not. They called me at 5pm right after I left my office on Friday. I got no chance to tell Mr J. Of course I can just call him, but I don't think it is proper to submit your resignation through phone. 

Therefore, I go back to Malacca and informed my family the good news. After that, I decided to submit my resignation letter on Monday (effective immediately) and go back to Malacca. However, life always has a surprise!! Mr J rejected my resignation letter, and I can only stop working there two weeks after. Which means, I can quit on 6 July 2018. *hump 

I shall start working at MSC on 02.07.2018. Fortunately, when I called to MSC, they allow me to extend my commencing date to 07.07.2018 right after I quit MS. Life is too hectic, I forgot to stop and breath. 

Today is 04.07.2018 -- two days left before I eventually left the company. Of course MS will be missed. I couldn't thank Mr J and Ms K enough for everything they had done for me. 

This happening to quickly that I was frustrated. At one point where I feel like, everything is not working out for me and I should just stop everything. I don't mind to quit and I don't mind if I didn't get any job either. But, I forget that there is Allah. 

Allah who has been watching me. Allah who has blessed me. Allah who has tested me, and I was here in a state where I am not confidence that Allah will help me. But, despite sins I have committed, HE picked me up. He light the way out of this mess. Allah has promise us, if we do love something/someone good and they are not meant for us, believe that Allah will give something better than that. 

So, if MS was a good place to stay because of Mr. J and Ms. K, believe that Allah will give something better than that. 

So, if I like someone who is kind, believe that Allah will send someone kinder than him #ehtiberrrr 

--

All in all, Allah is the kindest among all. Always replacing what is good with what is better. And now, Allah has ease my way. 

I hope, people out there, who stress out because of problems will eventually find your way too.

Believe in Him is the key. 

Thank you 

Everytime I saw him with his girlfriend, my heart aches. 

and I admit, that I am not strong enough to face them and smile. I am not strong enough to congratulate them and I am not strong enough to act like it was nothing. But one thing for sure, I do want to see him happy. And if it that's mean, without me, then I should take the risk. I should prepare myself to face with reality. 

And I always sooth my heart by telling me this "If someone who I like is that kind, how much kinder the one who meant for me will be? If someone who I like is that great, how much greater the one who meant for me will be? 

of bad and good news

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ 
In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful

Assalammualaikum earthlings.... 

(disclaimer: this gonna be, one of long post too. Please bear with me) 

June is such a mess. I think everyone gonna eirk at me, because I have kept saying negative things, like the whole 2018 (so far) is a messed for me, like I never had any blissful moment at all! what an ungrateful creature I am! and yes, I know and I am getting a slap right now. And yes, I am cursing myself now, because I dare to forget that I am all alone in this. I dreadful to not think of how much Allah has blessed me. I failed to be conscious when life is hitting me. 

But I think, no, I know -- that all of this is happening to test how much we believe in Him. How true our words when we said, we believed Him. How confidence we are with His promise. And as long as we still have doubt in Him, there is no way He could believe in our words. Therefore, He test me. Therefore, He test us all. To strengthen our believe, and to make us closer -- by our dua, through our prayers. 

I felt restless. I was exhausted, because every time, I thought everything were all figured out, life give me it surprise. And overtime, I know, that I could never stop this from happening. Because this is all, out my control. It is all, beyond my power, and it's all is written solely by Him. So, I realize, I should sigh no more. I should cry no more, because I have Him. And as long as I believe in him, as long as I believe in His promises, He will take care of the rest.

Ok, like this!

Jom clear-kan my mind.

1. Saman

-- saman tu ada due date dia, kena bayar gila. So, tak perlu risau nak kena bayar sekaligus. Jadi tak adalah rasa terbeban sangat. Soal kena marah dengan ayah sebab bawa laju, it's fine. Tadahkan je telinga, sebab you must be responsible on your own act. Tak adanya, ayah nak marah pasal saman tu sampai berhari-hari, paling tidak pun, cuma seminit dua. Deadline August 2018, so, gaji bulan July nanti boleh pakai. Gaji bulan 6 ni, dulukan yang urgent.

2. Job Opportunities

Nak kerja dekat Company A atau Company B, tunggu dulu official offer letter. Selagi belum confirm, tak ada apa nak gelabahnya. Jadi tak payah sibuk2 fikir, eh gaji cukup ke tak, benefit apa yang aku dapat, position mana yang lebih better, etc etc. 

3. Rumah 

Sebab kerja pun tak confirm dapat lagi ke tak, so tak payah sibuk2 nak fikir cari rumah dekat Klang tu. InsyaAllah, kalau dah jalannya nanti Allah kata kesana, maka akan dipermudahkan caranya. Buat masa ni, bayar dulu balance deposit rumah, dan sewa untuk bulan 7. Nanti kalau nak keluar, boleh je guna deposit rumah untuk sewa rumah lain.

So far, enjoy je dulu kerja dekat current company. Sampai masa -- blah. Takyah nak banyak fikir sangat, buat botak kepala je nanti!!

-- aku yang tak nak kerja dekat current company

Kalau tak dekat sini, dekat mana kau nak cari makan? Hidup bukan semata tentang kehendak dan hati kau saja yang perlu dipuaskan. Kena fikir tentang tanggungjawab, bukan setakat lepas perut sendiri je. Kena fikir untuk contribute back to your parents. Kau bukan anak tunggal ataupun anak bongsu, bawah kau ada adik2 lagi yang perlu ditanggung oleh mak ayah kau, takkan kau nak mak ayah kau tanggung kau juga? 

-- aku yang tak nak duduk KL.

Tak semua orang dapat apa yang dia nak. Mungkin ini yang Allah nak bagi dekat kau, dan kalau dia yang tuliskan suratan ni untuk kau, maknanya, adalah benda yang dia nak tunjuk dekat kau. KL is not that bad apaaa, dekat dengan Melaka. It is the heart of Malaysia kot, nak pergi mana2 pun, dah tak berapa jauh. So chill! enjoy the moment. Sebab ramai lagi orang dekat luar sana yang merantau ke KL untuk cari kerja -- itupun susah. Kau dah dapat ni, bersyukurlah nak!!

-- aku yang tak dapat offer mana2 job dekat company lain.

Tapi setidaknya, kau tengah ada job. Setidaknya, kau tak menganggur unlike those graduates yang sampai sekarang berjuang nak cari kerja, sampai sanggup ambil apa saja kerja walau itu luar dari bidang dia. Zaman sekarang, jangan banyak memilih. Lagipun you are just a graduate, tak ada pengalaman apa pun, so LEARN!!

-- aku yang tak nak mengangur lepas belajar.

-- aku yang belum buat video presentation. 

-- aku yang dapat low marks, sbb supervisor aku letak *3* on my assessment

-- aku yang dapat interview dekat Klang 

-- aku yang perhaps kena travel KL - Klang tiap hari 

-- aku yang nak kena bayar deposit rumah hujung bulan ni

-- aku yang nak kena bayar sewa awal bulan tujuh ni 

-- aku yang keep kena tanya soalan min 3ques/daily sampai bulan December

Unwanted Love Letter

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ 
In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful

Hi, and good day!

After all that had happened;

tentang,

-- aku yang tak nak kerja dekat MS.

-- aku yang tak nak duduk KL.

-- aku yang tak dapat offer mana2 job dekat company lain.

-- aku yang tak nak mengangur lepas belajar.

-- aku yang belum buat video presentation. 

-- aku yang dapat low marks, sbb supervisor aku letak *3* on my assessment

-- aku yang dapat interview dekat Klang 

-- aku yang perhaps kena travel KL - Klang tiap hari 

-- aku yang nak kena bayar deposit rumah hujung bulan ni

-- aku yang nak kena bayar sewa awal bulan tujuh ni 

-- aku yang keep kena tanya soalan min 3ques/daily sampai bulan December

tiba2, 

-- aku yang dapat empat surat saman

Three (3) were for AES.

The other was for illegal parking at Shah Alam.

Damn.

My life is doomed #ehtiberr

#MEGOJOBINTERVIEW 2

بِسْمِ اللهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ 
In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful

Are you doing great?

If you do, it's good then.

because currently,

I have got no job in the office,

hence I don't know what to do.

I think I will be able to finish

reading all the books in this office!

On my first day of working (not as an intern),

I got called from MS Company.

They invite me for an interview on Thursday morning.

This company located 1.6km away from S company,

which I mentioned in my last post.

Do you believe in coincidence?

I decided to attend the interview,

so, I did. 

The feedback was quite similar with S Company.

They seems like wanted to take me in 

but does not give me any confirmation yet. 

and the most crucial issue is,

both company located in Klang Valley

I just moved in to KL

thinking that it would be nearer for me to go to work

and now, 

if I wanted to leave my intern company, 

I may need to travel a long distance,

every day and night

I don't know anymore