We grew up.
We talk about future.
We discuss about ideas.
We take "feeling thingy" more seriously.

We grew up,
Now I am officially 21,
and I notice that we talked about love a lot,
like A LOT!

Feelings thingy get more attention,
and it we took it more seriously.

The problem with me is,
-- I can't recognize the significant of a particular person in my life/

This is super annoying!!

I am the most complex person in the world.
I say yes now and few minutes later my answer is no.
It's hard for people to understand me and I acknowledge that.
So, to make it easier for them, I told them so much about myself.
--to reduce and avoid the misunderstanding--

I told my likes and dislikes.
Do(s) and don't(s) around me.

I expect people could understand the simple language I use.
I told each of them in a proper manner.
But it seems like people just don't get it.

I told them, not to touch my belongings.
so by any means, do not touch anything!!.
--anything--
In any situation you're in.

And during my rebellious days,
I always get mad when my siblings eat or step on my bed.
I don't like sharing things.
as much as I don't like sharing my siblings.

It's not easy to tame me.
I told you so many times that how many times people vow and promise,
they will choose to give up on me and leave eventually.
 

ofgettingmarriedandnot

The thought of getting married itself is scary. 

I have weaknesses

and people who fall in love often says 

that they'll readily accept the weaknesses. 

But the question is -- sampai bila?

and to give commitment for something that 

I don't certain will last long is a wasting. 

 and how long the love will last?

and how long does it takes for the love to

stop blooming and died?

and how long does it takes for him to realize that

getting married to me is his biggest regret?

I don't know, such time may come if I ever get married. 

Nah -- I don't know

or maybe, I am afraid of getting hurt, 

that's why instead of trying, I am running away. 

Farhana Turns 21

Semakin kita dewasa, ulang tahun menjadi sesuatu yang semakin kurang tentang kita. We no longer fancy a party just to celebrate the special day kan? For my twenty first birthday, I only request asam pedas and sambal goreng basah (jawa) from mama, and bila ditanya nak beli kek apa (I'm a little bit choosy about cake), I found it weird when I didn't want a cake.I just want to stay with my family and I suddenly feel like they are all that I had and they are enough for me.

Kak Farah still made me a cake. Orange cake, She only did what an eldest should do, haha. She never allow me to go back to mimet with tangan kosong. Ada je yang dia nak bekalkan and that is why I'm really grateful to have her. I got a handmade so nipis kain stretchable from baby. Nampaklah usaha dia untuk buat hadiah tu and I am so touched *jap nak lap mata*

Going back to Mimet, I also received a lot of wishes from friends and classmates. And my roommate dengan the other my four fav pills buat a surprise. Lucky enough kelas cancel, kalau tak kena sambut esok - they said. So semalam memang makan banyak gila. Dapat makan tomyam, kek orange, kek coklat like brownies from SR. Sangat padat dan berat, so you guys can imagine berapa banyak yang ada, sampai sekarang pun masih ada half. Lepas tu, jiran sebelah (also my classmate) bagi pizza pulak :') Sungguhlah rezeki Allah tu melimpah ruah.

All in all, I would like to thank everyone yang come into my life and make me who I am today. I am looking forward to be a better version of me next year and I hope, people that I met on 21 won't be a stranger when I am 28. :) 

Till here, thank you.

She can't replace me with anyone else

I asked her, 

"between baby and me, 

who is the most mengada one?"

"you" she answered.     

I am very possessive. 

I know what is belong to me 

and I didn't give up my belongings easily. 

She is the precious ever, the most I hate tho. 

I still remember kicking each other on bed when we fight. 

 

Congratulation Baby!

Congratulation my dearest baby

She was upset not getting straight A's 

as always, Science always make it hard for my siblings and I

Haha! *walaupun mak ajar science*

She scored 5A 1B and I think with the new syllabus which in many levels higher than the one I took before, has prove that the pain is worth. So, baby cheer up! don't get too upset, you have done your best and okaylah tu, hari-hari baca komik, tak study pun dapat 5A. 

Now is whether she will go to boarding school or not. Decide wisely.

 

walaupun gambar kabur, nak letak jugak

Ohanaday2016

Ohana means family in Hawaii, and with that concept in mind, I would really like to see all students and staffs playing games to create bonding among mimetians. So, students won't feel to awkward with the staffs and it's easier for the staffs to do their works when they get themselves understood by the students. Target participants for this event is 500 students in total and 50 staffs. The event in my imaginary is so simple. We will plat traditional sport like galah panjang, tarik tali, rebut kerusi but all in gigantic size/area. It only cost students' energy and no money. How wonderful is that, kan? to play and riadah together. 

 

To conduct this event, there were lot things to consider or to be re-considered. Most of mimet's students, did not interested to participate in the program or event conducted by management, src or even clubs. That's why, most program and activity was done in small scale (usually 10 to 40 people). I am actually taking a big risk by targeting 500 students to join Ohanaday2016, but I dare to take the challenge. After all, the journey is never the best without some adventure kan? Haha. 

 

As an exco in SRC, I have KPI to achieve that is to create an event, so in early of April this year, I propose this event in the meeting and alhamdulillah the idea was accepted. 

As a Program Director (pd) of this event, I am responsible to ensure this event will run smoothly regardless of what happened. Macam, lantaklah orang nak kata apa, janji event ni gempak vavavoom. Sebab I was thinking, this is an opportunity for me. Peluang untuk prove to myself that I can do something to benefit others. Memanglah the money is not mine in the first place but it was my idea to create such event. Haha (bagilah can nak show off kejap) Haha! 

That is why, I give 70% of my effort for this event. Ha, one important things that people must know about me is, when I am working, you will meet a different Farhana. So, please don't expect to see playful and easy-going Farhana. When comes to work, I want to be very detailed. I want to know every single things that happened under my lead, so I can figure it out how to control the event, so if anything goes wrong, I know how to come out with reasonable solution. and as a pd, I can see myself as a leader for this event (THIS EVENT ONLY OKAY, BUKAN AS A LEADER OF SRC) -- I need to highlight this, because I don't want people think that I want to be president of SRC. 

As the one who lead this program, I assigned member of SRC to position yang I think suit with their capability. My imaginary team is a team which every time I ask about what's going on, they know what to answer and I expect them to at least have the answer. Senang cerita, I didn't expect to hear they say "belum lagi" "esok kot" "tak sempat"!! so, when I hear excuses like that, instead of getting mad as usual sebab bila jadi SRC, aku macam dah hilang hak untuk beremosi (ni aku cerita lain hari. tulis ni je dah buat hati panas balik). *TAKE A DEEP BREATH* 

Okay, so, when people cannot get what I wanted, I will go and get it done by myself. and if I can work faster than them, I'll not wait for them. Why? because the event is getting closer. I couldn't let last minute decision ruin my plan. So. when someone say as pd, aku dah sailang dia punya kerja, aku just buat pekak telinga, masuk telinga kanan keluar telinga kiri. Because I couldn't make them understand how I work, so let them be, yang penting event aku success. And they refuse to listen for my instruction (they did eventually), because they claim, they should receive the order from Program Coordinator (pc)/ 

wow. wow. wow. Masa lain2 event. Pd seems to have direct contact with the committee and bila tiba my event, suddenly the practice of rule change. Haha. Whatever - I didn't care anyway. 

So the event end with fireworks. Unfortunately, the next morning, bunga api tu jadi hot issue in mimet. some students complaining about how src spend the money on things like that. -_-ada je! But it;s okay sebab dia ada hak untuk suarakan pendapat dia dan marilah kita sama-sama meraikan hak bersuara itu. That's why aku tak nak balas apa-apa regarding on dia punya statement. sebab dia bukan particopate pun dalam event tu. Tapi petang tu pula, dia tambah lagi staement dia which make me decide to reply the statement with a statement. The issue remain hot for 3days. 

The thing is, I have expected things like this will happened. You can't assume you'll only get positive feedback when running a program, that is why I have prepared myself for this things. Jenis aku, suka confront apa yang dipertangunggjawabkan keatas aku, baik before, during or after the event. I will become the knights and I don't need to hide behind someone's else shield. So, when we decide to reply the statement, there is a little arguments between me and the president. I think, as a pd, i should be the one who decide but he think as a president, he should take over as he said people will look for him if any. **buatmuka**Hello!! yes you're the president, but people are looking all of us as src. which is, aku pun dibabi and dinoob kan juga oleh student mimet yang lalu depan mata aku dalam library. kau rasa? so do you still think that people will only go and looking for you? 

before the program start pun, something happened dalam group president of all 23 clubs in mimet. And you know what? I'm fighting alone in the group. No one else appear to back me up. so, bila program dah success, baru nak claim, event ni event sama-sama. sebelum event, tak nak cerita?? 

Oh yeas, I am a bit emotional/. I am not a baby to be protected okay. Kalau orang nak critic the event, silakan. Aku akan hadap as aku yang bertanggungjawab. The way he say it, buat aku rasa macam useless. I'm not weak. And the purpose of SRC organization is to educate you how to lead, so kalau dah kau sorang nak lead semua benda, aku ni, nak belajar apa? when it's other people turn to lead, let them lead. don't question then of whats and whys. Only then, we can identify which method is the best to apply. When you tell us that you're an open minded person, please prove it and when you say you practice professionalism, please act like one. 

Yeah all in all, it's a great opportunity and a lot to learn on how things should be done properly. so, please enjoy some picture and video throughout the event. 

 

 

BMO RUN organized by BMO Club

Human Chess

Pooja and Tina

Tina and me

Izzati and me

The coaches

BMO Batch Sept 2015

Human Chess and Cute Pawns, Queen and King

Before everything begin

PC&PD

 

The idea of getting married itself 

is scary. 

I know myself. 

and I know, I won't marry me.

What disrespect for me?

You know what?

for me, i repeat -- FOR ME. 

Telling someone you know him/her 

is kind of disrespect.

for me, i repeat -- FOR ME. 

as long as you're NOT my family -- you never know me for real. 

and yeah, family for me, i repeat -- FOR ME, 

is my dad, my mama, my sisters and brothers. 

they are real and they are my family. 

you know what. 

the pain is real. 

the struggle is real. 

the healing process is real. 

the sadness is real. 

the depression is real.

the smile is real. 

the tears is real. 

and above all that, 

you never knew at which "real" 

that someone is going through right now. 

because, people tend to smile when they actually sad. 

people tend to cry when they actually happy. 

so for many unexpected, incomprehensible reasons,

it's hard for us to figure out what 

actually that one person feeling is. 

same goes here. 

I hate it when someone who aren't my family 

telling me that they know me because 

I know they didn't. 

 

Just like everyone have their own likes and dislikes, 

same goes to me. 

Maybe, mine just sound too different. 

but respect that. 

p/s: and I clearly said. when I didn't like things I will say it out loud, so people could understand, but it seems like people doesn't take it for real. so everytime I say A, they insist that what I actually meant is B when the truth is -- I really meant A.

Peace Yaww

Quater of the "RHAN'S INFOs WALL

I did start this new semester with new spirit. 

I kinda love myself more this semester 

and I love what I am doing and I also 

love the environment better than the whole last year. 

I found it easy to be around my classmates. 

I found it easy to be around the staffs and lecturers. 

I found it easy to mingle around and know people. 

but that's it. 

things I fear most has happened. 

you know, everytime I feel too happy -- I get scared. 

I'm afraid that sadness will come and take my happiness away. 

but, it's not fair. 

it has been one year kot since I having 

problems in adapting to mimet's environment.

Now when I feel a little bit happier, 

worst things happened. 

double. triple sedih. T.T 

*couldn't explain the details*

but  

You know what?

the truth is, 

no matter how well intended you are to help someone

when they are struggling, 

sometimes your words are wasted,

sometimes your words are just noise.

It's raining

In the crowd of people.
She feel empty.
She feel lonely.

In her laughter is where she hide tears.
In her smile is where she hide the pain.

And in the rain is where her smile was so beautiful.
As in the rain, her life was resumed again.

With the rain.
She share a lot of secrets.
So when its raining again, she will tell the secrets all over again.

p/s: it's raining and I want to be poetic.

New semester has begun.

And unusually started with busy schedule. 

I've been here in MIMET one week earlier 

for wow Sept 2016 to welcoming new students. 

On the very first week of this new semester, 

I've been assigned as one of committee member 

to organized Blood Donation program 

in collaboration with 1M4U. 

Every day and night, full with meetings. 

Contributing ideas, debating, making decision -- it's tiring. 

But of course, it every difficulties, there is always an opportunity!

That's why I'd always love to organize an event. 

Now here I am, at second week of this semester. 

I am too busy with meetings and classes, I barely made it to write this entry. 

My class on Wednesday and Thursday is quite packed, 

while I've so much of leisure time on Monday and Tuesday,

but even so, I don't feel like I could get a break. 

I got meetings every night. 

Meetings with src, with all presidents clubs in mimet, 

attending and giving speech at club's agm. 

and also, need to conduct meeting with hostel resident. 

I need to complete blood donation report before Mdm could send it to 1M4U, 

and also I need to make SOP for TalentPool project. 

All in all, even though it's tiring but I feel happier this semester. 

I think I could adapt with Mimet's environment now.

I don't think I am in any depression mood right now. 

I just let things go with its flow and enjoying every moment to the fullest. 

Till here, 

Remember the day you asked whether or not I like you?
I didn't say yes but i definitely didn't say no either. Remember?

A deep though tonight

Nak terasa hati, takpa. Kita kan ada hati ada jiwa. Lumrahlah, kita kan manusia.

Tapi beringat, jangan sampai pendam rasa jadi kesumat.

Ingat. We are all here to learn as a learner.

Dan dari setiap kesilapan, kita ada pilihan. Untuk biar atau ambil buat iktibar.

Jika hari ini kita terasa hati. Luahkan jika rasa berkepentingan.

Jangan simpan sampai membakar diri dalam dalam.

Tapi, lepas luah. Ingat. Kita semua masih seperti segugus bintang2. Dibiar sendiri ia sunyi, dibiar ramai menerangi.

Dan untuk setiap salah yang dilakukan, untuk setiap jerit tengking yang disuarakan, untuk setiap baran yang dilempiaskan, maaf.

Dan cuba.
Walau terasa macam mana pun kita. Cuba faham dari sudut dia. Cuba faham walau kita terasa. Itu matang.

Bila kita terima apa yang kita tak suka. Itu matang.
Bila kita sabar dengan apa yang buat kita marah. Itu matang.
Bila kita boleh faham walaupun hati terluka. Itu matang.

Dan untuk jadi matang seperti itu. Semua orang perlu masa dan ruang.

Dan ini, adalah platform terbaik untuk shape balik sikap kita. Untuk re-shape balik attitude kita.

Tak. Aku tak kata pada siapa2. Semua ni aku tujukan pada diri sendiri. Kalau ada yang rasa baik, ambillah. Kalau tidak, biarkan saja.

Jangan. Jangan anggap aku nak condemn siapa siapa. Tak lintas niat nak buat macam tu. Cuma malam ni, bulan terang. Dan ini, adalah apa yang aku fikir fikirkan, tadi.

Xx

I never
forget your
birthday.

Last year.
and also this year.
I never forget.

I did wish you.
The best in life.
Through dua.
Through prayer.

So please,
Don't get mad.
I never forget.

How could I forget.
I'm so powerless, that
I can feel your presence
sometime. ��

I am graduating

NMIT
Where my stories begin and where my life feel like be resumed again.
And it was there where love came to heal.

JB will always be missed.

verbally attack.

I've promised to myself.
Even I shed into tears and blood.
I'll not cry. (For any reason)
I won't waste any more tears for anything or anyone.
Even when I am breaking apart.

I was tough before and tougher by day.

I am not physically fit.
For that solely reason, I use words to protect myself.

My words do kill when I choose to.
But that is where the story started.
People can't accept bleeded people even when they said they want to help.

People never understand a wounded person when they never get a cut.
And people never understand, what kind of pain do a person experience from emotionally torture.

And the only thing that I terror of is using my words.
To fight. To protect me.
Yes, I hate of getting hurt - again.

So, instead of getting hurt again.
I would rather lost the love I've loved the most.
And to lose that kind of love, I am hurt.

I could always say it loudly.
I could always make an argument.
I could always start the fire (I am).
I could always be the nut in family.
I could always lose my temper.
I could always bringing up my past.
I could always make it hard for everyone.
But, very often I choose to remain silent.
Because I do not want any argument.
I no longer enjoy of winning in verbal fight with them.
I just get tired of the anger I got in myself.
So, very often I ignored things that hurt me.
But they never seem to see the different me.
So even if I fight, I think I would never win.
Because fate decided, I could never win.
And the little wound around my body, start to sting.
And the amount of pain is kind of great.
And yes, it's killing.

I don't want to involve in your foolishness

I have got this one friend,
Who I love so much
Who I trust so much
We were so close back then
Before she realise,
I am not one kind of friend,
She want to be with.

We were still be friend.
Sometimes I doesn't feel like a friend to this friend, but I ignored my feeling.

I know she talked behind my back.
And also talk bad in front of me using different nick name (so I won't notice that she's actually talk about me)

I know she told people here and there about me liking this one guy, that I never thought of liking.

And when I met her recently, she doesn't change.

The way she made me feel when she's around doesn't change at all.

She still make me feel uncomfortable and that feeling t is so irritating.

I didn't speak my mind knowing it can lead to an argument.
We'll not going to meet again anyway, so for that reason, I choose to hold my back and move on.

Because now I realize,
It's a freedom to be able to live the life you wish without taking what people say about you too seriously. They can gossiping.
They can condemn.
After all, people who hate you, will never like you winning.

I just disappointed that she's ever be my friend. Losing her is not a losing.
:)

I am graduating!!!

To dearest mama & ayah,

Thank you for staying by my side throughout all of good and tough days.
Thank you for keep motivating even at times when I am really down and demotivated.
Thank you for look out for me when even I have no faith and disbelief my own capabilities.
Thank you for giving me flowers instead of lectures even when all I did was giving you disappointment.
This achievement I received today is not my best. I could really do and give you more.
I promise to work harder in the future. I will work things out and this will be a  bench mark for me to go further in this field.
Of all the things you have done, thank you for always giving me chances to live my life at the best.

To dearest friends,

I seems to be so frank and friendly with everyone. But I do admit, it is very hard for me to find one person who I could really open myself to. Even when in my roughest times, I couldn't seem to find any number that I can contact to ask for help. I don't really know back then why is this happening.
But I do know now. I am too scared. Too scared of being someone best friend. I am afraid of losing you. I am afraid that those friends will left me behind. And for that reason, I always keep my distance for some reason.
I didn't show how much I care. I pretend to be okay, so I didn't seem weak and dependent on people.
But that's now how one should live his/her life.
Seeing how people came back and meet their friends on graduation day, I realize one thing. I don't have specific friend who I can cling into. I guess I have been too late for that. But I am very glad to meet those favorite people from nmit. I love seeing them happy with their bestfriends. 
I used to be one of them but guess what? My fear has cause me a big lost!! Haha. Hmm.
I wish everyone a happy and success live. And may Allah protect all of us with the best protection. I am so happy that we all made it until today.
After a lot of tears, dramas and challenges, no matter how sharp the edges, we finally make it.

To my fav group,

I love all of you.

a little word.

People like me.
We'll meet that few angelic person.
Who came and save us from ourselves.

But people like me.

We tend to forget.
That this is all temporary.

We tend to forget.
That this angelic person
have got someone else to save too.
so, when that angelic person decide to leave,
people like me get our heart broken.

because people like me,
we are too fragile.

and sometimes,
we forget, that happiness we want,
is not ours from the start.

a little word.

People like me.
We'll meet that few angelic person.
Who came and save us from ourselves.

But people like me.

We tend to forget.
That this is all temporary.

We tend to forget.
That this angelic person
have got someone else to save too.
so, when that angelic person decide to leave,
people like me get our heart broken.

because people like me,
we are too fragile.

and sometimes,
we forget, that happiness we want,
is not ours from the start.

Waiting someone isn't hard. 

Being loyal isn't hard. 

You only need certainty and trust.

He have my trust. 

But he never certain. 

That's what makes me hesitate. 

and with that,
we choose to
get over and move on.

...

If you ever leave

If you ever leave me once,
then leave.
If we ever meet again,
then don't even dare to remember about anything.
Do not even dare to have any lingered feeling,
and even if I stop you to leave again,
then you should just have to walked away.

If you leave

I just watched a Korean Drama.

A story about husband and wife who got divorced and meet again after seven years. At that moment when they meet, they both know there are still some feelings lingered in their hearts, but the husband is about to marry someone else and the wife is in charge for her husband wedding reception. 

They got divorced when the husband need to leave for work. But he leave without any words, making his wife wonder, why. She did waiting for him but she thought he's not going to come back, so she decided to let go and move on. Her husband did coming back. After working so hard like crazy, finishing 6-month work in two month time. After that working-like-hell moment, he did coming back. But when he did come back, he realize that he has loss everything. For one month, he was looking for his wife at every hotels in Las Vegas, but she is nowhere to be found. He become an alcoholic, disaster and miserable. 

Until they meet again, after seven years. 

But at that moment. The husband is about to marry another person. And the wife is dating her boss. And the boss really love that women. 

And here comes the things I don't like. That women still have feelings for her husband. Her husband did feel the same way. 

for me, 

If he ever leave once, then leave. 

Don't ever think of coming back. 

Being paired up, means you share everything. 

Happiness and also problems. 

He could just tell her to wait.
He could just leave her notified.
She can understand.
She can completely understand.

and if this ever happened to me.

I will just take that boss hand and marry him.
and start something new.
because as much as he was hurting by leaving her,
she never want to get hurt being left behind -- again.

For this drama, I'll choose the second hero--

a liitle word

Bila kita tidak mengenali,
Kita mudah sekali membenci,
Mudah sekali terasa hati,
dan tentunya -- mudah sekali menjauhi.

Tapi cuba, kalau kenal.
Dikutuk dimaki pun rasa seperti dipuji.
Ditepuk tampar pun, tak terasa hati.
dan dalam keadaan apa pun, akan cuba memahami.

dan mungkin,
selepas ini kita bisa tahan diri,
dari terus menerus rasa tersakiti,
dengan hal-hal yang remeh saat kita belum mengenali,
kerana mungkin saja,
tak terniat dihati sesiapa untuk menyinggung hati,

dan mungkin,
sedikit saja barangkali,
kita cuba untuk lebih memahami.

Hari Bersama Komuniti dan Pemenang

Two weeks preparation and finally the highlight of the event has been held last Saturday on 13 August 2016. The first week full of meetings for coordination and few things which need further discussion and detailing. The one day event called 'Hari Bersama Komuti dan Pemenang', a closing of the program that previously held in venture with Vale. 

I was taking full in charge for activities and games during the events and all praises to Allah that Mdm Linda had asked her students who lived at Pangkor to help me. Her name is Intan. Thanks God for giving her and she is just kind and beautiful as her name. *weewee

But to summarize everything that happened during the event, I think I am not only in charged in games but also doing things that our of my job scope. I am a 'bag'by sitter, a baby sitter, and also a bidang terjun emcee (just to read the last part - pantun) because Mdm Sarah never emceeing in Malay before. So in return, I will get 5 marks for my next Professional English 2!! --what a yeayy-- Haha 

Handling games means you are handling so many kids. I don't like kids, I love babies. Lol. I do like kids but entertaining so many of them will make me out of control in some way. But they are kids. What they know? They only know how to have fun. I love seeing they smile in everything they do. They have so much confident in them. I love seeing their smile when they laugh.

Overall, it was a really tiring day, pftt. But it was a good experience. I met people. I talk to them. All about new things. I make few friends, with students and staff as well. I could show off my talent --hik--
You know what is the best thing about working on project basis program? Yes, the previous project will never be the same as the new one. So, there will be a lot of things you can learn and get.

I really feel thankful for this opportunities given and will looking forward to work on IIIP Department in the future. Owh ya, by the way remember I ever post about a lecturer I don't like before? Yes, I am having a good term with her right now. I think, this is all about how much you know about someone.

What is left to say?

She smiles. 

She smiles for things that make her happy. 

And today, she smiles again. 

Maybe you're the reason why she smile. 

Maybe you've made her happy, 

or maybe her happiness is -- you.

World is not Chocolate Cake

Do you ever wonder,
why can't we love the person who loved us,
instead of waiting for someone who not even
know about our feelings or worse, our existence?

Don't you ever think that your crush is actually
thinking the same question,
why they can't love you instead of waiting for
the one who didn't returned back their love?

I do believe that we are all paired up.
It just, it is hard to find the real one.
That's why we keep trying and trying,
and all that trials, were hurting us.

But hey, don't you think we'll eventually
meet "that one" someday?
Today is just not a day -- hehee
Because that trials is to prepare you.
Because that hurting heart is going to heal,
by that person, you'll finally meet at the end.

But is there any more Cinta Teragung, besides
the love from your Creator to you?

May peace be upon you.

A girl?

There goes a story,

about a girl who blind her eyes, 

when she did met a guy 

she really wanted to see. 

It is not egoism that she defend. 

But friendship. 

No matter how heartless she may seem, 

there are some kind of past, she tried to conceal. 

Final Exam

Assalammualaikum and hai.

Tomorrow gonna be my final exam.
Alhamdulillah that I only got one paper
for this short semester.

Let's do the best,
so we can smile scoring 4 flat.

--bye--

Bestfriend

The thought of this is killing me, it's been on my mind
Can't believe it's been right here after all this time
And even though I love you I can't seem to find someone who cares the way you do
You know, I love the way we've always been nothing more than friends
So why do I give every man the stand up
Thought I was over this but once again I'm comparing you to him
And I find that there's no you in him that matters

Boy even though your my best friend
I can't help it whenever I compare you to him
It's like I always do this
With every single man
And I hate that I can't find someone who's worth my time
Just like my best friend

And I know you hear me say this all the time
I don't do relationships cause I'm on my grind
But see a part of it's

Because I just can't find someone who knows me like you do
Always brought out the good in me
Don't know just what you say
Whatever it is, no other guy has even tried

Remember when you left one day and turned around and say "you're my best friend"
"You're my best friend"

And right there you made me cry
I'm trying to let you know
A part of me just can't let this go
Never had a friend and it might have been

With you it so different yeah
I don't know what you did
But I know whatever it is
I'm so grateful for you
I'm so grateful for you

Just Friend

I know that I don't own you,
and perhaps I never will,
so anger when you're with her,
I have no right to feel

I know that you don't owe me,
and I should ask for more;
I shouldn't feel so let down,
all the times when you don't call

What I feel—I should show you,
so when you're around I won't;
I know I've no right to feel it
but it doesn't mean I don't

--This one from Lang Leav 

Crush

Crush is, 

Someone who you would like to love, 
but you know you not deserve and 
you know there is no possibilities of you 
two were meant for each other, 
so you conceal your feeling. 

I am sorry that I am lying to certain people about who my crush is.
But from this very moment, I'll be honest and not deny a thing.
I am sorry that I am too scared and not even trying.
I am sorry that we end this friendship with a lie. I am sorry.

Love & Misadventure

“What was it like to love him? Asked Gratitude.
It was like being exhumed, I answered, and brought to life in a flash of brilliance.

What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.
It was like being seen after a perpetual darkness, I replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.

What was it like to lose him? Asked Sorrow. 
There was a long pause before I responded:

It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me—said all at once.”

--blank pages--

I don't have much time left,

for jealousy or ego, 

I just want to have you, 

and for now, 

that's all I know. 

Crush.

One day you meet someone 
and for some inexplicable reason, 
you feel more connected to this stranger 
than anyone else--closer to them than your closest family. 
Perhaps this person carries within them 
an angel--one sent to you for some higher purpose;
to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. 
What you must do is trust in them--
even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering--
the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.

Though here is a word of warning--
you may grow to love this person 
but remember they are not yours to keep. 
Their purpose isn't to save you 
but to show you how to save yourself. 
And once this is fulfilled; 
the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body 
as the person exits your life. 
They will be a stranger to you once more.

- Lang Leav

--and that is how my crush walk in and leave from my life -- 
--he will always be missed--

my lyfe in here isn't so good

I feel like crying like now, but I can't.
I've promised not to cry like a baby.
I've promised that I'll no longer let tears touch my cheek.

I hate it.
I hate it here.
I don't like to be here -- in MIMET.
I don't like it, I wish I can quit.
I don't like the staffs, managements and lecturers.
*some of them

They're really sucks! *excuse my tongue 

I'm so easily caught up in stress.
Because I don't like it here.
I just don't like it here.

-- I am not okay, okay --

Students are the biggest crowd of client one may have,
who you should take a good care of them as much as
you want to take care of your ventures and investors.
Is it because we seem use less to you that you treat us
like a kid?

Yes, we are still young but we're not a little kid!
Even if we're a little kid, you should mind your manner.
After all, what you're doing is business and you should
respect your clients no matter how young, immature or childish they are.

-- my soul is crying silently --

Currently I am working with IIIP department,
so basically, I am a temporarily staff at UniKL Mimet.
I know my limit and basically I am type of person who know to stand on the ground.
I know my place very well.

I never enter staff rooms as I like before.
I always asking for permission and waiting for it.
Now, that I've entitled as staff, so I've right to get access into certain rooms in Mimet.

Here, how the story goes.
I opened the staff room, calling for Kak Syera.
I just stand in front of the door.
So, sudden, there is one staff saying this
"Lepas ni jangan masuk bilik ni eh. Nampak tak dekat pintu tu tulis apa?"
I just nodded my head and smile.

You know what I hate most?
People who love to attack me without asking me first!
I never go over the limit okay!
He made me feel really bad.
Then I just get out from the room.

-- hatred want to win too --

But then again,
after having my lunch and meeting with Kak Ain,
I was bumped into this officer.
I smiled at him. He smiled back.
*I'm professional anyway !!

But one thing I like about this officer is that he's so frank.
He say what he need to say and pappp. 
I know, he's not favor me.
He's not acting like that with his favorites students.
I am just not lucky to not be one.
I guess, if he can let me know him a little bit more and if
he can acknowledge my abilities a little bit more, we can make a good team.

But guess what? Not everything will fall in my way.

So till here, and still feeling so sad!!

Love does drive someone, crazy.

Running out from the class when I hear your voice.
Whenever I've free time, I look for you at all possible
places I think you would be.
When I didn't found you, I get upset.
When I found you, what I did is I pretend like I don't care.
I try to make our every eh-kau-pun-ada-dekat-sini seems like coincidence,
and for each "coincidence", you never failed to excites me.

But, after you left --
After those defending-our-ego battle --
I know what a great lost I've loss.
And I never get too excites ever since.

But recently, someone has came.
He has that same energy as you ever give me.
He did annoy and irritate me,
but just like you,
He did make me smile so effortlessly
and he did make me running to look for him at such "coincidence" cause.
And for once again, I feel like things gonna excites me -- again.

And that is when I realize,
Love do drive someone, crazy. 

p/s: I write. I've imagination and I imagine things. This poems might not be about me, so you - don't complicated things. 

Bezanya Tahu dan Faham

Dear, 

sungguh tahu dan faham itu tidak sama. 

Dimana tahu, kau tahu dia, tahu macam mana karakternya. 

Kau tahu dia dari mana, kau tahu suka dan tak sukanya.

Kau tahu banyak tentang dia. 

Kau tahu apa yang buat dia marah. 

Kau tahu apa yang buat dia gembira. 

Tapi, 

Sebanyak mana pun kau tahu tentang dia, 

itu belum pernah cukup untuk kau faham dia. 

Dimana faham ini - kau terserap dalam karakternya. 

Kau faham dia macam mana, adalah 

apabila dia marah - kau merasa sakit dihatinya yang membuat dia marah. 

apabila dia sedih - kau turut merasa gusar dan mengerti mengapa perkara 

itu membuat dia sedih dan 

apabila dia gembira - kau tidak merasa hasad, kerana kau tahu, apa yang kau mahu - adalah dia bahagia. 

sebab itu, 

bila kita hanya tahu dan bukan faham - lebih baik diam. 

kerana kita tak tahu, berapa dalam luka yang kita bagi, 

hanya kerana kita pura-pura faham. 

dan untuk aku, 

aku mohon kalian mengerti. 

awal lagi dah aku khabr, aku ini sukar dimengerti, 

tolong jangan tambah sulit keadaan ini, 

bila aku kata jangan -- jangan. 

untuk sekali, tolong memahami, jika aku kata 'berhenti' 

dan aku ini, 
jenis yang tak mampu nak baca orang, 
kalau kau tak cakap -- aku tak faham. 
aku cuma nampak apa yang aku nampak. 
dan dengar apa yang aku dengar. 
aku ini, macam tu. 
sebab tu, kalau kau terasa hati dengan aku -- cakap.  

kenapa aku macam ni? ada sebabnya. 
sebab yang aku tak boleh bagitahu. 
dan aku takkan nak ubah prinsip aku
semata mata bila kau kata -- kau tak suka.
sebab untuk aku, kau takkan sampai tahap istimewa,
untuk aku terinspirasi ubah cara. 

dan terpaling maaf aku mohon, dari hujung kepala hingga ke kaki.
Jika ada lagi perkataan aku, yang menggores mencalarkan hati -- maaf. 

When you know someone, 

how much things about them that you know, 

which makes you confidently claim that you know them?

To what extent you should go to say that you know them?

How many years would you take?

Or, maybe - you never know them.

Or, maybe - it's only you who think that you know them.

Maybe, it's your ego to feel that you know everything

Maybe, it's your selfishness that make you want to feel like 

you know everything, you control everything and etc. 

How do you feel when someone tell you 

that they know you while you feel like they don't?

It's annoying and irritating. *sorry for bolding the truth*

It really feel that way! and I don't like it. 

Bila kita kata "kita tahu" tentang sesuatu, ada tiga perkara kita perlu tahu beza. Samada apa yang kita tahu itu berdasarkan (1) firasat, (2) bukti atau (3) sekadar menghukum semata-mata. 

Firasat - semua orang ada that one guts kan especially perempuan. Bila ada rasa tak sedap hati, mesti ada benda buruk yang akan jadi or maybe when we meet someone for the first time, kita macam agak-agak yang budak ni baik, budak tu tak berapa baik, budak ni macam tu, budak tu macam ni. But then again, we didn't need to say it out loud. Boleh jadi firasat kita salah. Boleh jadi itu cuma bisikan syaitan semata untuk buat kita prasangka, So please, jaga-jaga. 

Bukti - ini je satu-satu yang paling tak salah. Kalau apa yang kau tahu berdasarkan bukti, pergilah serata dunia, nak hebahkan pun tak apa. sebab kau dah ada bukti. 

Judging - Ini yang paling aku tak suka. Tanpa kenal, kau dah mengata. Kata dia tak baik sangatlah dan jangan percaya. Habis yang kau tengah mengata orang tu, baik sangat dah? 

If only they talked about what they feel

 

She seem so cold and fearless. 

So bold and defensive. 

So strong no one can defeat.

but no, she's not what it seems.

 

She's fragile and brittle. 

 

To a thing called loved, 

one should feel cherish but not to her. 

She was so scared that she hide. 

It was love that she fear, 

which make she put up the defenses. 

The wall was build up high. 

And to a thing called loved, 

she never believe it was destined in her fate. 

so, she keep denying the feeling 

she had in her heart.

He's one kind of boy with a lovely smile. 

Friendly yet know when to set out the border. 

He's calm.

Looking at his eyes, was like looking at the sky. 

To a thing called love, 

He believe it exist. 

To a thing called love, 

He believe he just need to show it without 

any interpretation of words. 

He think he had showed it enough. 

She think that love will never show up. 

He think that girl never understand. 

She think that the boy never certain. 

He think they must not meant to be together. 

She think they must not meant to be together. 

-farhannakarim

 

 

"Their love was strong, but the timing was wrong, so fate decide they do not belong" 

-

Doing Professional Services at IIIP Unit

On July 28,
I woke up early and get on my uniform early.
I want to do some revision at library and then straightly go to Big Apple after that.
In library, I receive call from Nisa and she asked me if I want to join her to work
under IIIP Unit?

"It was interesting" I said, not expecting that the meeting on that project will start
as soon as we say yes to receive the job offer.

It was 10.00am and a meeting will be held at 12.30pm.
I don't have much time to consider this offer.
I am already in my Big Apple's uniform at that moment. I took a deep breath.
And I decide to go with this project, however I feel guilty towards Kak Sya
and decide to meet her personally.

I do not want to quit through phone call as I believe,
I came in asking her for job vacancy in proper way,
then if I want to leave - i should do it properly, by meeting her.

So I went to Big Apple - meeting Kak Sya.
I say sorry.
She said it's okay and she know she can't force me to stay.
However, she can't claim the payment for those days I've worked.
Because the payment will be paid as per I said.
I told her that I will work for one month, but I quit after first week.
Of course I feel disappointed. And rugi also.

Then I came up with the idea of coming back to Big Apple after the project has done.
And Kak Sya said, that will be okay and I can claim the payment.
Pft, so much relieve to hear that.

And then, my life at IIIP started.
Meeting will be held every two days.
I don't have so many work to do.
All the tasks given have been finished early.
And currently got nothing better to do, that;s why I actively updating my blog and put this post up.

Get me.

Ok, bye!!

Part Timer at Big Apple.

In Big Apple stores, they divide the team into three.
1. Frontline - the one who will service the customer.
2. Topping - the one who decorate the doughnuts.
3. Production - the one who knead doughnuts.

My super kind supervisor, Kak Sya assign me in frontline.
So I did service the customer and I quite nervous on my first day.
I learn how to open the box like a pro,
I learn how to give good offer to customers and also
how to punch money at cashier.

Kak Sya did teach me how to do closing.
I need to count everything (like yeah everything one by one - everyday)
It's quite tiring at night because I need to close and I do the dishes.
I wash those 18 trays which cost RM300 each,
so can you imagine how much it weight?
Every night I suffer for back pain and what worse is,
I can't fall asleep even when I am that exhausted already!

All co-workers are good too.
Abrar is a part timer too, from UPM.
Currently enjoying his sem-break.
He know one of my ex-classmate from smkda.
Meor taking architecture studies.
He quit on July 27 to work at somewhere related to his field.

The rest are from Nepal. I don't really know how spell their name.
But they are all kind. They always forced** me to eat doughnuts.
Penat-aku-tahan-nafsu0kau-boleh-suruh-suruh-pulak-takkan-nak-tolak-rezeki-pulak,
lol, I fight with that almost everyday!!

However, things happened beyond our expectation.
IIIP Unit in Mimet need help from few students,
to work on their project together with Vale.
I do not feel like being forced to do it, but I feel guilty towards Kak Sya
because I know how much she is in need of employees right now.
But on the other side, I also think that this is my chance to get some rest.
You know, I am not cheating to do that work -- it just (yes I am really tired that my body sore) TT

I am taking leave for two weeks (the project was expected to end within 2 weeks),
and I am thinking of continue to work at Big Apple after that
until 20 August (as I've promised to Kak Sya), because otherwise I'll not get to claim
my payments for those days I've worked at Big Apple and so far it has cost RM500.

So, currently I am working under IIIP unit (called as tripple IP).
The event will be held at Pangkor on August 13.
I want to have some fun -yeayyyy!! 

Short Semester.

source: google

I am taking short semester for certain reason,
to settle proposals for upcoming event in Mimet,
to re-organize src thingy,
to look for new students intake,
to improving my so-bad-i-tak-sanggup-tengok cgpa. c(=

I actually apply for three subjects,
but they only approved to take one subjects,
itupun that subject wasn't on my request list.
so, there's no function asking what I want when
they already decide what they 'think' the best for me.
*hergh

But it's okay.
I can still smile, brightly and widely.

Integrated Marine Pollution Control
Class: Monday and Wednesday only
Seems like I have the whole weeks for me yarr,
for eating and hibernating. Hahaa

That's why.
I looked for part time job and
this is a hide away secret from my parents.
I am a dead meat if my dad know this.

I know he won't allow me,
but I just want to experience it once.
I want to feel, how does it feel to earn money
with your own effort and capability.

so, I decide to work at Big Apple (outlet Aeon Manjung)

Part Timer at Big Apple.

Currently I am taking short semester. 

I actually apply for 3 subjects with total 9 credit hours.

However, only 1 that they approved and the subject was not on my request list.*ergh. 

I feel like what-is-the-function-you-ask-what-subject-i-want-to-take then?

Integrated Marine Pollution Control. 

Class: Monday & Wednesday 

And I have like a whole week to spend -- in my room. 

eating and hibernating. 

 That's why I made a decision to work as part timer, 

at least I could get some pocket money. 

I know ayah won't allow it if I tell him, so I didn't. 

I just gamble and everyday I pray that Allah will help to hide this secret away 

from my dad until I am ready to tell him by myself. 

But I did tell Kak Farah and Nuar, so if anything happen, they will know. 

Of course they get mad (Kak Farah la), but that's because she worried about me 

and because I didn't tell my parents about that, but she can 

understand my reason and that's all I need. 

So, working at Big Apple was fun. 

I was supervised by Kak Sya and she's really kind and very helpful. 

She trained me and every questions I asked, she answer patiently. 

They only had 4 malay employees and the rest were from Nepal, but they're good and kind too. 

Working at Big Apple store isn't very challenging as people said (at Manjung outlet la), 

because they weren't have so many people coming and bought doughnuts.

Maybe Big Apple aren't famous in here. 

But, it was tiring working there because I'm tired waiting for customers who isn't coming. 

I got so stressed with that because I keep eating the wasted doughnuts. Hehee

My shift started at 2pm and end at 11pm. 

The route from Aeon Manjung to Mimet is dark at night and sometimes creepy. 

I know it's dangerous for me to be alone at night (that's why I didn't tell ayah), but I wanna try. 

I've worked for five days and now I'm taking leave. 

Erm, about two weeks leave w/out payment. 

I got instruction to work under IIIP unit in UniKL for FEEP project with Vale. 

I don't know how much they will pay me, but just to let them know

that for quitting from Big Apple that sudden without notice,

I've lost my RM500 worth of pays. 

The project