Fantasy will remain as fantasy

There is different between fantasy and dream

Trust

I believe they could trust me as I am trusting people.
I have been told not to trust anyone yet I do trust people.
Not in such easy way but its not too hard to get my trust actually.
But to be honest, up till now I believe my family haven't fully trusting me.
Which makes me feel useless and down,
I didn't blame them, it just me who fail to do better.

I can't say I am not offended when I am totally affected by the fact.
He set 3.7 as my target and I am actually has pass with 3.8
Did I seems that bad, that weak and that stupid in their eyes?
Did I not deserve or have no right to at least hope that 4 flat will be mine?
Is it too much?
Just because I don't study as much as my sister, is it fair to judge me like that?
I am not as smart as my sister who can do everything in perfect way, but I am trying my best.
so at least, there is something my parents can be proud of me,

I wish they could understand (just a part from me - it might be more than enough) by seeing my eyes.
I thought eyes would tells everything.
Did people also lies to me?

'believe in yourself, when the whole world don't'

But still, I want special peoples in my life have faith in me, but to gain their trust is like --
I am trying. Really hard.

Untitled

Sometimes I think, no one can figure out how lonely I feel.
Sometimes I think, world isn't fair the way it has its cycle.
Sometimes I think, no one really cares about what I done or what do I feel.
The questions is, does anything about me really matter to people? or at least just some one?

Each time this question playing in my mind.
The remedy is only one.
Be optimism.
I told myself that this is the way it should be or this can't be called 'a life'
I am struggling with myself for not thinking negatively as it could affect my attitude.
However, people around me not realized, how much I am fighting with myself to just swallow what I should (not others)
But I don't think I can keep being optimist if the people keep being unfair.

You are mean.

Smile

I have a habit of throwing back my old memories and smile (in the crowd of people)

"creepy lah weyh, buat macam tu"  Smile.

When I am trying to persuade myself to stay strong I need to smile after I have cry one liter of tears. I know I can't wait like forever for someone to grab me into their hug and tell me that 'everything is okay..'

So now, I am undergoing a treatment - smile

Smile even I break into pieces.

Part of wounded me

I talk a lot, but there is certain moment I hardly talk. 

I laugh a lot, but my face seem tight most of the time. 

I yell at people a lot, but my eyes doesn't seem to stop tearing.

Split personality?

I show half of me to people. 

Half of me which not wounded.

Another part of me full of scars and wounds. 

I am thinking, should I show them the wounded part of me, so they can stop hurting me? but do they really care even they know I am bleed?

As time passes, I do accept and let go of everything which hurt me. 

but sometimes it keeps bothering me while I am alone in my silent space. 

but it doesn't bad as it seems - because after each hurtful throwback I always recover my heart with those sweet memories I have :) 

at least, I can still hold my back. at least I still have reasons to keep strong :)

I am struggle and trying my best to accept the things around me, just the way it is. 

Dependent

I always been curious about something, someone and some places. 

I always want to know more about things I curious for. 

I always imagine, how great it is to be able to travel and try everything that I wanna know. 

Roller coaster, travels, bungee, etc

Mostly not an extreme activity. 

I have family which not everyone have it. 

I want to do but I can't because my parents said it was for my own good. 

They care for me so much and they have made decision for me so much. 

I never feel like they are trying to confined me or limiting my life access. 

I know they are just too worried and they care. 

You never know how grateful I am to have them as my parents. 

but I scared, one day I can't made my own decision. 

I scared that one day I am not able to face the world. 

I am scared that I can't stop depending on people. 

because today, if anything happen I know that my parents is always there for me to seek for help.

but what if one day, I am being far apart from them and what if that day is today?

am I able to survive?

I am dark.
Not tall.
I am fat.
Not beautiful
but praise to Allah that He gives me that perfect 5 sense.

Sometimes I wonder.
What am I living for actually, trying to be the most beautiful creatures in the universe
or worship HIM?
I wonder, why I can't be grateful for what I have today and why my greed become stronger day by day.

I scared that He won't look at me anymore.
I scared that I will loss His bless.

I am scared it happens. and I don't know it it happened right now.

Illegal

Today I am breaking a rule.
Today I finally know that the cctv in my hostel is working.
I thought the cctv had been use to scare students.
I don't really sure what makes me think that way.

I do feel guilt as it was my fault.
Bringing outsider to hostel -- smile
But she's not outsider for me.

Lesson learnt;
In any situations you are in, integrity is not something you can look down.

Those words which break my heart "Saya tak sangka. Kenapa Farhana? sebab awak adalah antara student yang saya percaya"

Trust is hard to gain but easy to lost. 

I am being too sensitive lately and it was so not like me.
I demand people to at least have some respect to those people in life we called friends.
Regardless who you know or who you knew.

I might seem cold but I am softer more than you ever thought I am.
When I start being your friend that's mean you are someone in my life.

I am hardly showing my love to people but believe me, deep in my heart I do care.

When you decide to walk away from my life -- I do care.
but its better for you to walk away, even if you stay, we won't be honest to each other anymore.
but at least, show me your sense of respect.

The awkwardness between us can be sense by others.

To certain extent, when I can't no longer stand, I will cry.
But do believe me that I won't blame you because I have accepted the rule of nature from the beginning.
I completely understand what would I go through when I choose not to question about you being unfair and honest.
I do accept everything though I know it will hurt both parties and though I said I gonna overcome the feeling, I am only human.
I bleed and I break down.
So now, I know what I did wrong but I just need some space.
Not blaming you but I need some space.
Not fighting back but I need some space.
Not being stuborn but I need some space.

If you don't like me from the start then why choose me at the first place?
I can't be a good leader nor a good friend and also not a good classmate to help you out.
I am just a girl with short temper and cold hearted.
I am just a girl who cry by being cold and bold.
I am just a girl who care less about people because the insecure feeling inside.
And now I am just a girl with unstable emotions. 

When I have reach the highest level of my patience, I remain silent.
When I am no longer believe someone, I remain silent.
When I am too sad, I remain silent.

When I feel down and depressed, I remain silent.

When I feel like I want to kill someone, I remain silent and kill.

Ada masa yang kau akan terasa segalanya berat.
Ada masa yang buat kau seakan mahu putus asa.
Ada masa kau rasa lost.
Ada masa kau tak tahu mana nak tuju.
Ada masa yang buat kau tercalar dan berdarah,

Dalam masa itu, kau tercari cari masa untuk sendiri.
Untuk seketika cuma kau hanya mampu diam dan senyap.

Kelakarnya, semua itu berlaku tanpa sebab.
Benarkah tanpa sebab?
Diam-- Thans to a friend who remind me about the real purpose of life.
Fitrah manusia itu pelupa.
Ingatkan aku -- sentiasa.

Aku menyayangimu, lillahi ta'ala

People do not die from suicide, they die from sadness.

Petal of Depression

You can choose to be happy or sad and whichever you choose is what you get. No one is really responsible to make someone else happy. No matter what most people have been taught and accept as true.

Scar

People have scar. In all sorts of unexpected places. Like secret road maps of their personal histories. Diagram of all their old wounds. Most of our wounds heal, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don't. Some wounds we carry with us everywhere and though the cut's long gone, the pain still lingers.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough