I keep forget things.

I keep forget things lately. I forget about simple matters that I should do. It's not that I didn't jot down the note. I've wrote it all over places. In my note books, in journal, in a piece of paper that I stick on my wall, so every morning I wake up, I know what I should do. But yeah - I still forget.

The most annoying part of it is that, I cannot make an excuse out of it. I cannot blame things on someone or something because it is my mistakes! And for only this week, I have commit so many mistakes which me myself could not take it. I don't know what happen to me, I really hope someone do know. 

I feel like crying but I am not a cry baby. I used to be so strong and so bold to the point I am not doing any mistakes regarding my works, jobs and responsibilities. I am very particular about things, but what happened to me right now? Why I am being like this? so weak and pathetic! 

There is a lot of things to think, and I don't even have time to think about myself, but my mistakes do cover my effort and people now see me as an empty can. I don't like being looked like that. That was not kind of impression that I looked for. Yes, I am upset. 

:p

10 years.
It's not a short time.
Healing process do take time.
And through that 10 years like hell.
Here I am - standing still.

Being choosy nowadays is understandable,
because a girl like me, we're fool for being loyal. 

I guess, each of us
have that one history,
which will never be forgotten.

That kind of history
that hurt us so much.
That will forever
lingered in our heart.

But I do hope,
that some day,
we will meet
that one person
who know
how hurt we are
and understand
that kind of pain.

So, we will not
hurting each other.

If I am going to love someone,
I want to love his flaws,
I want to love his weakness.

I won't ask him to be perfect.
I don't want him to be perfect.

And if he is about to fight or struggle,
I want to stand by his side.
Supporting and encouraging.

I won't leave, I promise.
Even when he asked me to.

That's why, I have no time
with unnecessary stupid relationship.

This ring in my finger,
I am waiting to replace it,
replacing it with the real one. 

Ouh,

This one in my finger right now
is not real. It's fake.
Just to reserved myself for myself.
Because I don't want to be owned by
others.

But now, is a different story. 

Afraid of myself

How many hearts have I hurt by my words and attitude? Can they forgive me for my wrong doing? Can they accept my excuse for not being unstable at that moment while they are having their own problems too?
I am afraid that I won't be able to be someone who can understand others. I don't want to be the pain in their life. And if I was meant to be in someone memory, I want to be the good one.
"Rhan, everyone has their own struggle. Just like you, remember?" I keep telling myself. Bus this devil inside me is refusing. How should I do, when no one seems to understand?

Dealing with you isn't easy, 

dealing with me won't make it easier. 

Recently. I'm pretty temperamental. Maybe because of my shocking diet routine - well I don't know but I'm quite sensitive these days. I get angry yet I want to cry. I want to be alone yet I want someone to confort me. I want to be independent yet I want someone I can depend on. I want to call my dad as always but I don't want he thinks that I didn't grow up. I want to tell mama but I don't wanna be a spoiled brat. I want to tell my friend but I don't want to be their burden. 

Partially out of my mind. T_T

10th Anniversary

It has been 10 years.

 I know I'm taking 

so much time to heal.

 But this time is different. 

Because the pain 

you have give me once, 

has now become my strength.  

It has been 10 years.

It does hurt to fight,

but I'm grateful that 

I am finally win.

and 

I will never stop to fight 

until I can be indestructible.

Everytime, I start to trust people.

I get my back stabbed. 

Evertime I start to promise,

I get them all broken into pieces.

Now, I am no longer an art 

but a masterpiece. 

Try to drag me down,

I will fly even higher. 

  

I know I am weak, for taking such a long time to heal and move on. But there is nothing to complain as I was once loyal and fool. But don't worry, as today, I am no longer trusting, no longer have lingered feeling and no longer hoping, that this world will be in peace.