Unwavering Confidence

Assalammualaikum.

Today's post is tough for me, as our views and opinions might be conflicted regarding this matter. However, I must express it still. I thought, we both deserve an explanation.

Firstly, when I was in early 20. My skin breakout real bad. It leaves deep and dark scars. Acnes fighting against each other to be on the top of my skin. 

I spent thousands for skincare and supplements. Just to get better but nothing's work. 

"where do you get that unwavering confidence to do what you want to do, to say what you want to say and to stand in front of many?" They asked. But what I heard is -- how somone like you in misfit body and breakout skin can stand in front of many without any shame?" 

I was sceptical. But I do think that, somewhat it is true. Right? That's the reason why people are amazed. They don't asked someone like Neelofa where she get her confidence and all. Because someone with pretty face, comes with confidence in their bone. That's why people are looking at me with their judging eyes. 

Because apparently, I don't look like someone who had that confidence in my bone. And the truth is, yes I don't. 

I hid in disguise. I was ashamed of my skin condition at that time. I do. Really do. But I never tell anyone. I act like I am okay with it. Until I learn how to embrace every flaws and love myself. 

I started to take care myself better. 

Slowly, my skin getting better. Scars fade. Skins look healthier and brighter. Many asked to share my #breakoutjourney. It took me awhile, but I posted it anyway. I received many congratulatory compliments. 

I feel good for helping people. I hope my story somewhat can make them pass through their journey. It may be hard, but it will pass. It surely will. 

One day, a man asked me if I can share my before-and-after-photo. He wanted to recommend Artistry (my skincare brand) to his customer. He personally whatsapp me, and I give it to him. 

Months later, I heard that he doesn't only share it with his potential customer, but also with his group (his sparring partner). And everyone in that group, is using my face and distributes to other people. Using it to recommend products and brand.

And I started not to feel good about it. 

I am okay if you would like to use it. One to one. But not in a group. Not in your status. Not in front of countless strangers who do not even know that person in the photo that you showed!! And not in the class when I am not around. 

I just started to feel uncomfortable about all this.

So, everytime people asked me to share my photo with them. I reluctant. 

This situation, has put me on the edge. I wanted to help and I know my picture could help, but I just do not want to lend my help this way. I guess it's hard to explain because someone with no experience will never understand.

For now, I only provide my testimonies for my team. And to those who personally know me, I always asked, if they wanted to use my testimonies, it should only be in one to one consultation. Not in status. Not in their IG's feed, and Facebook's timeline. 

Writing this and letting you know is hard. That's why, I stop posting people's faces. Even if I do. I will tag that person in my socmed, because they deserve every credit for every regrets they feel when they first posted that photo. (Again; this is not apply to all. Others may be fine with it).

Assalammualaikum,

I would like to start this entry by apologising if what I am gonna write today, may conflicted our views on certain things. Many knows that I have successfully recovered from severe breakout. 

When I was a teen, my skin was oily. When I was in college, I had combination skin. When I started my degree, my skin started to get frustrated and rebellious. Hence, acne all over my face and it left deep scars. Deep and dark I shall say. 

Then, I spent thousands for my skincare and supplements to get my skin clear. I was sad but I try not to think a lot about that. I was ashamed of my skin, but never once I show it. I hid in disguise. I grateful for abundance confidence Allah lend me, that's the only reason I could survive.

Until I met Artistry x Nutrilite 

When I recovered. My skin started to clear, and getting better, I couldn't be more than happy. That I finally finf skincare that match me (in and out). Ofc, I would be willing to share my experience to everyone. I hope my stories could help them pass theirs too. 

But I could only be happy if I am the one who delivers the message. 

This is the toughest part to say. I swear..

Once, someone asked my before-and-after picture. I give it to him. I thought he could use that to help someone else. Never did I know that he also shared my photo with his group. I know he mean well, but it just makes me uncomfortable knowing that my picture was in the hand of countless strangers. 

Since that, I don't feel good about sharing my acne stories to people. Especially letting then having my before-and-after picture. 

This is not a feeling someone with no experience will understand. 

When sparring partner request to share my pictures, ofc it put me on the edge. I know I could help, and I really wanted to. But I just don't feel good about that and I hate that feeling. 

Cerpen (cerita pendek); Kerana aku wanita

Orang lain tak buat kerja. Orang lain yang kena. Selagimana engkau perempuan, memang kesalahan tak akan pernah meninggalkan engkau. Akan sentiasa menjadi beban yang harus ditanggung, hingga ke liang lahad sekalipun. 

Perlahan-lahan, persekitaran membuat aku semakin yakin dan percaya. Membuat aku berdoa sesungguhnya, aku tidak mahu berzuriatkan seorang perempuan. Bukan kerana aku benci, tetapi aku takut, aku tidak mampu mengadili mereka, ditengah hiruk pikuk dominasi lelaki. 

Tidak. Aku bukan feminist. Aku bukan mahu hak kesamarataan antara lelaki dan perempuan. Cukup sekadar jika lelaki menjalankan tugas hakiki mereka dan perempuan diletakkan semula ditempat hakiki mereka. Tempat hakiki seorang perempuan bukan di dapur. Dan selagi mana ideologi masyarakat dunia tidak berubah, aku tidak melihat bagaimana, anak perempuanku tumbuh sebagai seorang wanita yang berhak keatas dirinya dan setiap keputusannya. 

Aku mungkin masih terlalu jahil dalam agama. Dan aku mungkin masih terlalu daif dengan ilmu dunia. Namun aku tahu satu perkara, bahawa hidupku sentiasa dijajah, oleh keluarga yang menetapkan wanita harus begitu dan begini. Wanita harus mengalah. Jadi wanita harus bertimbang rasa. 

Aku tahu nilai2 itu. Tetapi aku tidak suka bagaimana ia diimplementasikan. Hanya kerana aku wanita, aku tidak berhak bersuara. 

Kerana aku wanita.