Emotionless emotional

That's why I choose to remain silent. For I know we think differently. For I know we see things differently. And for I know, being different is no one's fault but human being, they blame each others for looking at the same picture, from different angle. 

1. I don't like being pushy. So when I seek for help, I will only ask for once. Sebab aku bukan jenis nak kena dapat apa yang aku nak, by putting other people dalam keadaan dia susah dan tak selesa. If I want what I want, I will get it, by help from people if I need it, but not forcing them into it. There are two major different. 

2. If someone call for help, don't wait for them to explain the situation. Some people are just not good at it, or, if that could be done, they won't seek for help leh. Think! And I would feel pathetic to explain an essay long before I could get an help. That's why, when people come for my help, either two; I will help, or I won't. Whatever comes later, I shall be responsible for the conseqences of my action. I won't go to them and tell them "why don't you tell a little sooner?" Sebab orang bila dah minta tolong, means, dia sendiri dah dalam keadaan tak selesa. So, if you nak tolong, you tolong, no matter in what condition they are in -- unexplained. 

3. And people have right to express what they are feeling. But one thing though, adab bila minta tolong, kalau orang say yes untuk bantu, alhamdulillah. Kalau orang tak nak tolong pun, alhamdulillah. Either way pun, kau tetap akan belajar. You will learn, that -- no one is going to stay. Mereka takkan selalu ada. And it is a very lonely journey. Dan tak ada apa pun yang salah. As I said, adulting is not easy. You need to handle everything in your plate by your own, you don't have time to bother what is in other's. No hard feelings.

4. However, situasi diatas hanya valid kalau kau minta tolong dari stranger or someone yang not really close with you. But if you had deep relationship dengan people, it might get a bit twisted. Why? Because there is string attached. And normally, when you know someone personally, you know their stories. And when you know their stories, you stored everything in your memory. And when you feel left behind, (they don't really put you behind la), people just have their own priority and you cannot get angry when you are not someone's priority. 

5. However (again!), even robot had feelings nowadays. When someone close to you make you feel like you are not a priority, it makes you somehow bitter. But you wanted to understand them. You wanted to tell yourself that it is alright. You wanted to tell yourself that it is okay, and you are not losing the world. But then again, to put yourself in someone shoes, to understand that they don't have intention to hurt you. To understand every bit of what is happening around, you won't be able to do that with a smile. And I, cannot do the process with a smile. I need my own time, my own space. 

6. And don't bother to know what people hid inside. Don't push people to explain, when you are not ready for the truth. Because when there are two people, one of them is emotionless, another is emotional. Of course thing won't go as they both planned. So, instead of wondering what was in each other's mind, just know that you guys are actually looking at the very same thing, but from different angle. And what work best? Associate with those who look at the same direction as you, from the same angle. 

7. That's why. Reposition is a need. Not to put the blame on people. Not to create a distance. Just so, both parties could be enjoy the scenery comfortably. Because they speak the same language at equal frequency.  

This is the logic and rational. But when you involve your emotions, this rule is void. 

And darling, adulthood is no longer about what we like/dislike. We just need to do what we need to do. That's it. Even if it is uncomfortable, you need to do it. Just like moving from your sister house to your friend's. Not because you don't love her, just because staying together will benefit no one. Sebab lebih dari orang lain, kau yang paling faham hubungan kau dengan famili sendiri. 

Tak semua orang was blessed with family yang sync. Yang masuk air sama2 and get along well in whatever condition. Some, they realised that the gap of their personality tu is very different. And if staying together makes things worst, why stay? If keeping a distance could save it from getting worst, why stay? So, even if it is uncomfortable to put a line with family, if it was something you need to do, for better purpose, why stay?

Being emotionless like this will end up making someone feels lonely. But truth is, life is a lonely journey. 

Difficult me

Do you ever feel like you are a complicated person?

As far as I remember, I was cheerful. I love to play and laugh a lot. Until I was eleven, I am not as cheerful. When I was twelve, I was bullied verbally. No one dare to make it physical and they know who my father is. Growing up as bullies survivors is tough. 

The flame in the eyes, the fire within the body -- you just don't tolerate anymore. I get so cold that no one is right except for what I believe. I get so protective and defensive. I hurt others to save me. My words were so vicious and I do that to protect me. I know, I cannot hurt people just because I was hurt. But I was forced to be matured, when I am not ready. Rebellious -- when I was thirteen. 

After finish high school. I went to college. First time away from family. I learnt how to tame my anger. To do self reflect. To learn and accept the decree. To forgive others and most importantly to cure me. I need help, I know. I need to seek for help, because I am not strong enough to go through this alone. 

Slowly recovering. I became cheerful again. Degree is the most memorable years for me. I got to do a lot of things without any difficulties. I made good friends, eat good food, joint good programs and it helps me to evolve and improve my character. 

But along the way, I am used to be alone. 

I may seem friendly on the outside, but once I step into my room -- it's me time. And I enjoy me time a lot, that I could sit there, reading, watching movies and I would love if people don't talk to me. My small circle consist only me and the diameter is one feet only. Which means, in my private circle, it only fit me.

You can have fun with me, when we were outside. But not when I am with me. 

Precious Time

I learned from my dad to respect time, especially when it involved other party. My mom always told me, "make sure people don't wait for us, it's okay if we wait for people". My parents is a teacher. When I was in school, my dad was in charged of sending me to school because my mom went on another side. My dad will depart exactly at seven o'clock in the morning after talked to his plants and I shall be inside the car by then or else, he will drove away -- ignoring me who's wearing my shoes in front of the door with toast in my mouth. 

He will left me with a glaring eyes and cold goodbyes. It was enough to make me uneasy for the whole day knowing that I will pay a price when I came back home that evening. Do you think, I get to skipped school? Do you think it ever happened in our household where both of our parents are teachers (to add on the note: my dad is 'cikgu disiplin'). My mom will send me to school and I was lectured all the way to school, but it is a rare event because my mom is not a nagger - really. She was different from any other asean moms. If it was repeatative in regular basis, yes, you will kena then. 

When I was in college. I practise that, no, in fact it was in my blood. I was the first on the bus. I was the first in the class. I was the first arrived at meeting point, and I always the one who wait for my friends for dinner. At universities, I met more people who practise differently. 15 minutes late is normal for them. Making people wait is their part time hobby. They made me wait for hours and I hate wasting my time for people who don't appreciate it. I fed up. So I decided not to wait, anymore. If they want to meet, I'll make sure they had arrived. If they want to go out, I'll make sure they are ready. And eventually, I am becoming them. I started late to classes, meetings, appointments, etc. 

When I started my internship at Mont Kiara, I stayed in Shah Alam. 32 km away, and connected by Federal Highway (the one and only). I SHALL TRAVELLED 32KM EVERY MORNING ON FEDERAL HIGHWAY. I won't make it, if I get out on normal hours. Hence, I hit the road as early as 6.15am. I arrived ay 7am, and had extra two hours before the company operate. Because of that, my boss favor me, professionally. He is a Korean with a wife and two children. They have stayed in Malaysia for nearly 20 years. He told me that there are still lot of skills I need to learn, but he liked it how I manage my time and give me A+++ for that. 

I left the company after I finished my intern. We still contact each other and now running business together. + point for being early, you were taken seriously by other people. 

August 2019, I messed up terribly. I late for every appointments and meetings. I don't feel like meeting people, and the world. I just wanna date my bed. I can locked myself for one week, alone. I demotivated, crushed, messed. However, through this experience, I learn a valuable lesson. The reason behind being an early bird, why is it important and how it can affect your life.

It happened through series of events, but I will tell you one of it; 

1. My business partner, Amway conducted a training in Van Andel Hall, Petaling Jaya. I was registered to the course a week earlier. I received tentative and it was scheduled to start at 8.00pm. Working with partner who also emphasize their ABO to be time discipline, they always start right on the dot. On that day, 7.00pm I still laying on my bed, contemplating whether to go or not. Then I received a group photo from my team. They received selfie lamp as door gift. I want that. (Fact: I easily fascinated by most random & simplest thing). I was so determinant, not to really attend the training buat to get the selfie lamp..it is so cute, you can clip it on your phone. I arrived at 9.06pm and registration counter has been closed. I was asked to just enter the hall. 

I felt so dumbfounded, betrayed. 

Most of the time, we get annoyed and angry because we know it wasn't anyone's else fault but ourselves. That we don't deserve to feel wronged. 

However, I am a goal goer. The next morning, I go to the office looking for person in charge in last night's training. I asked for my doorgift (I paid for my training and I attend it -- even a little late. But I deserve to claim what shall belonged to me) I insisted, and I got it. The perk of being persistent 💪Eventhough I was happy to get what I want, but I realised that I can get it effortlessly if I just attend the training as per scehduled. I didn't need to waste fuel and exert my energy for something that can be done if I just respect the time.

From this occasion, I learn the truest purpose of being early. Better wait than wasted. Starting from that day, I have decided to be an early bird again, even if it means I need to wait people for hours (it rarely happens  now), and looking back, I can benefit a lot if I am early. 

1. I get to choose my seat.

2. I get to park in any box of my choice.

3. I get extra hints for exams

4. I get to prepare myself before company operated.

5. I can read books while waiting 

6. Etc 

I hope you can learn from my mistake. I realise that being late will only make things worst for us. Slowly, it will kill your productivity, because you feel like it's okay. Let's discipline ourselves and be at least 15 mins earlier for every meetings, classes and appointments. Make it our new normal. 

And I feel like, that's the way Allah correct me. You know what you do is wrong, but you ignore that feeling just because you feel like it won't matter as long as you are not troubling anyone else. 

Nutrilite & Network Marketing

The Nutrilite company had been founded in the early 1930s by Mr. Carl Rhen Borg, a biochemist who while studying in China in the 1920s had develop several unique theories on nutrition. 

Mr.Carl started Nutrilite products in 1934 and he began to conceive of a supplement that could be added back into the diet that would bring diet back into balance and would help them strengthen people's nutritional status and thereby help them to prevent disease rather than to cure it. 

It has been 84 years Nutrilite was developed and the first supplement is Double X. It is still exist until today. Just imagine, consuming 84 years old supplement which was improvised and perfected by science. Ongoing research and development by more than 1000 scientiest behind the scene. How impressive!!

So, how does Nutrilite was connected to Amway and how all networking bussiness started? I will continue on later post. But it must be cleared to you now, that Nutrilite itself has been existed way before Amway was established. 

This is why I choose Nutrilite. 

A place where we star.

We wanted to save people but we were drowned.

We wanted to understand people but we were misunderstood.

We wanted to be kind but we were betrayed.

We wanted to accept openness but we were unaccepted.

And in this society, how can we survive?

I blame God, for putting me in this situation,

A situation where I never win.

I blame God, for not letting me win,

I blame God, for making it so difficult for me.

But blaming God won't change anything.

I am still like this.

Losing.

pss//for everyone dream to be placed where they star. 

She.

She was cold.

Her heart stoned.

People say, she is heartless.

But yes, she indeed has lost one.

That's why,

She cannot understand emotions

That's why,

It was never important.

She has grown

Adulthood has turned her to a cold bitch.

That's why,

She always remind.

Not to expect anything.

Not to hope for anything.

Because she has failed to save herself.

How could she save, anyone else?

ofvalidationandselffreedom

You know why we feel that we never good enough?

Because we seek for validation.

We feels like we need to get validated,

In order to feel enough and to feel belong.

When we think validation is what grading us,

Putting us into categories  and labelled us.

It is a pure border that limit our potential.

We might think it is the best think to do,

For grading and validation will help us through

In decision making but, it is not the whole truth.