What if you are not needed?

"When you are not needed -- leave"

I have been living my life with that principle,

because it is the most rational, relevant and logical,

even though it is not convenience.

I can be so clingy,

so possessive and protective,

of what is mine.

however, 

when someone realized,

that he/she does not want

to be belonged by us,

let them go

when they can survive,

without us holding their hand,

let their hand go

when they are happy,

without us being the reason why,

let them

and when you are no longer needed,

when you no longer have the purpose,

just like when you leave your unneeded stuff,

you too -- need to leave.

however,

there is a rule of leaving,

that you must obey,

-- do not come back

do not return,

for what ever reason,

keep you head straight,

and never look back,

because everytime you look back,

you will always want,

to once again,

touch the memories.

and now,

if you come to me, 

and ask what you gonna do,

I'll give you the exact same answer -- leave.

Hilang

When things seems to fall onto its places, I then realize it was about to fall out altogether. I no longer know what is right, I no longer know what is true, I have lost my capability to hold myself back. Now, I feels like run off and jump of from the cliff, drown into the water, so I can refresh myself. so I can think straight, so I can return back to my sense.

I seems good with words and of course I was known for being straight forward but why did I not find it easy as others? I think there are still unspoken words left, there are still feelings I failed to express, there are still something which I do not know what is it but it exist. It's bothering.

If you ask me, I am not okay at all but I am kinda alright.

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I guess it is true,
that words is not really a help,
that words is not helping,
that words is not soothing,
that words is nothing !!

and I guess,
my words really means nothing.

because when it comes to me,
I can no longer relates myself
with my writing,

because none seem make sense.

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I thought I am right, but I am not.

I thought I am brave, but I am not.

I thought I am strong, but I am not.

I thought I am brilliant, but I am not.

I thought I am worth enough, but I am not.

And to ever feel so worthless, is so deep and painful

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Honestly, 

I was not doing well.

At least I don't think I am.

Sincerely, 

I was afraid of what others think of me,

I afraid that I wasn't even close to their expectations,

I just wanted them to stop looking at me with those eyes. 

It's burdening 

and it's tiring

for bearing the hope 

of others on your own two shoulders.

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Just like yesterday,
my answer will be
the same for today.

I still want you,
to be very very very
happy.

I know what it takes
for you to be happy,
and I won't resent you.

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I am so carelessly imaginative,

I thought I could work wonders,

I hope magic will make me great,

I feel I am thinking right.

However,

I am devastated of hope.

I am exhausted of trying.

I am hopeless of dream.

I am broke.

And,

I am afraid.

I am insecure.

I am full of doubt.

I am not confidence.

So,

I wanted to sleep

I wanted a little break

I wanted to shut off my world

I wanted some peace in mind

When things seem to fall apart,

that's when you realize, 

it's only start to fall together,

it fall right onto its places.

Last week,

my sister convocation,

my fight with supervisor,

new project on line,

recruitment of new staff,

new business venture,

and I just wanted to sleep the whole day, pleaseee!!

I was afraid you know.
I was insecure for feeling so secure
in my current position. 

When things seems to be fall apart,

only then you realize that things has started to fall together.

The reason of what(s) and why(s) that we had no answer for, 

slowly revealing themselves giving us surprises.

Last week is so packed that I feel like a subway sandwich. Full loaded. On Saturday 14^th of April, my parents came to Shah Alam for my sister convocation on Sunday. They planned to come a day earlier to spend some time with my sister and I. We purposely booked a homestay which is just a few units away from our place (my sister and I rent a house with another nine girls, ofc we can’t invite our family in, hhuhu). They also brought our youngest brother and sister together for short getaway.

On Saturday morning, my sister has been trying to call the owner but no one pick up the calls nor reply messages we sent. Until my parents had arrived, they still need to wait in the car, in heavy rains. I am so fed up with their service that I let it out when I meet their staff. They should have called us earlier to inform us that they changed the plan to pass the key at home to their hotel, but they didn’t give us a call at all!! Frankly, I won’t be this mad if it was only me, but it was my parents who need to wait hours before they can finally rest their body. Our parents are not so young anymore, they get tired easily and we only want to provide the best for them, so yes, I just scold them both for poor service.

On Saturday night, when everyone left for dinner, I left for work. I feel really bad for not being able to join my family. It is not easy for them to come here though. I get on the vessel at night and I arrived home at 12.30pm. I still remember my boss asked me to get myself a boyfriend, then I told him, “working twenty-four hours on standby mode and get on board in the middle of night, do you still think that I have time for something uncertain?” or maybe, it was just an excused to play along with the answer I have really had, but hey, no one really knows kan.

On Sunday morning, my sister has been so busy and nervous and time flies so fast. When my parents left for my sister convocation, I brought two youngest members in family to Setia City. Actually, I just do not know where to bring them. I don’t know which part of Shah Alam should I show them. Not because there is no interesting place to go, but because there is none that I know. And I don’t think that I am such an explorer. I just go to places I knew. And yeah!! My wallet is so sedih treating them for Seoul Garden!! (they not even eat for second round! So not steamboat & grill kinda person la my babies) #hate

On Sunday evening, I brought my brother and sister to UiTM Shah Alam. The ceremony was about to finish, so we bought some flowers for our sister. After that, we go makan because my parents were so hungry waiting in the hall, while I am too full that I can't feed myself any food on the table. When it times for us to part, I feel so sad. I feel so hiba that I can feel my blood rushed up to my face and that sting feelings in my heart. I don't know why, but I just need some more time with them.

The next day, Monday 9th of April, I still had some fever combo with flu and cough. I am so tired from yesterday yesterday and now my supervisor seems to pick things on me! I am so tired already, can anyone just stop adding up the pain? but he's not listening, hence,...there...we fight! I am talking back and raising my voice, so he feels wronged because no intern ever raise her/his voice towards him. He called me rude and I say "terserahlah kau lah" in a very very hopeless tone. because I think, I just don't care -- anymore.

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Satu dua minggu ni, sibuk sikit. Banyak kerja yang kena buat luar office. Isnin lepas, baru je ke Lumut, joining trip dengan surveyor Avatar Atlantic, buat off-hire and condition survey untuk Mother Vessel Star of Nippon. First time on-board panamax vessel memang satu pengalaman yang tak kan lupa. Berdiri dekat stern, pergh, memang tak nampak mana hujung dia. Dua ratus dua puluh lime meter. Ha, amik kau! Lepas tu, aku nak kena ulang alik check condition kapal. Aku pun dah macam duhh, asal panjang sangat kapal ni wei. Kedalaman cargo hold dia pun, pergh! dah macam rumah empat tingkat dah! I just cannot imagine what if I fall down there. 

All the giant machines, never fail to amaze me, (and scare me!) The deck floor full of coal. It was slippery that I was nearly fall, not once but many many times. Hhaha. I hope no one is looking, but hey, up there, the officer monitoring the ship unloader might notice me. Hhaha. (ok, malu sekejap). I thought I could see my friends dekat Mimet. Cukuplah sekadar satu, dua jam. Tapi, sekarang tengah mid sem break, everyone pun dah balik kampung masing-masing. Dah la awal pagi gerak. Pukul 4pagi. Lepas habis kerja, pukul dua petang gerak balik Shah Alam, pergh, memang tak berperang nyawa aku pergi Lumut balik hari je. Hhaha!

Esok (Sabtu) nak kena ke Kapar pula. Naik kapal lagi. Kali ni sebab nak hantar cash to master. Now I know why pirates suka attack kapal-kapal dagang ni. Bukan sikit-sikit master pegang tunai. Kadang aku dengar pun, ngilu. 

Lepas tu, minggu ni aku habiskan drama korea #endlesslove (31 episode), which is sangat jarang untuk seorang Farhana tengok drama korea yang lebih dari dua puluh satu episod ni. Dan drama tu pun tak ada orang recommend. Ada satu komen je, itupun dia  marah writer sebab buat cerita macam tu, so disebabkan tahap curiosity aku yang tinggi ni, aku pun pergilah tengok. Bilah dah start episod satu, kau ingat senang untuk tahan diri dari tekan next? dan sudahnya, next aku tu, sampailah final episode. 

Aku tak recommend cerita ni untuk orang yang percaya that you will eventually being together with someone you love. Aku tak recommend cerita ni untuk orang-orang yang fancy romance. Aku tak recommend cerita ni, untuk orang yang tak berani nak hadap realiti. Sebab, as a commentator, yes, kita akan "weh, buat macam ni lah" "hek elah, cakap je la kau suka dia!" "eh, asal kau tak accept je dia!!" tapi, the story goes on based on reality. Sebab itulah sebenarnya, diri kita.We didn't always do what we say, we wanna do. And we didn't always go as we planned, why? because reality is bigger than fantasy. There are so many things to be consider of. Because in reality, everyone live in it, while fantasy, we can choose, who we want, to play the roles. 

Jadi disebabkan kesibukan itulah, aku tak sempat nak update Jar 7. Jadi, yang menanti, harap sabar. Harap tak jemu dan bosan menunggu sis yang serabut ni. Hhaha